My parents will disown me if I don’t divorce my husband
Assalam Walikoum,
I will try and keep this as short as possible. I am going through a very devastating situation and need some Islamic advice. I got married 2 years ago without the full blessing of my parents however my father was still my Wali and our Nikkah was valid. After my Nikkah, my mother refused to arrange a wedding party because my husband was not from the same country and she felt it was an embarassment. She then told me to move with my husband without a wedding party, which was not the beginning of a marriage I had expected. I moved in and we lived together for 6 months, however with all the pressure from my parents threatening to disown me, I left my husband to try and reconcile with my parents. I kept praying that Allah will show me a way, and Alhamdoullilah 5 months later my parents decided give him a chance however told me NOT to live with my own Husband until THEY decide for a wedding..
My husand and I were so desperate to have their approval we accepted. However, a couple months later they completly changed their minds and told me I either divorce him or forget that they are my parents. I am an only child and I do not want to have my parents be on their own, I would of course love to have them involved. I now am faced with this dilemma, I have spoken to family members, Imams and tried to speak with my parents this entire time however I feel they do not care and are using cultural values instead of Islamic.
What would be the smartest approach? To ask for divorce from my loving and caring husband and marry someone from the same country or continue to fight for this injustice ? I love my parents dearly and it saddens me that I cannot live a normal happy life because of their cultural ignorance.
I have prayed Salat Istikhara alot, I keep praying and I hope Allah will show me a way out... but I feel with my parents increase resistance maybe it's Allah showing me that I should just give in and divorce ?
Salam
muslimah403
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Hi sister, assalaam,
I have understand you situation and what you really want. First of all you r making a big sin as u r punishing your husband, second sin you cannot obey your parent since you are no longer on their responsibilities.
In other hand i do understand that you want to see a wedding party and to reunite your familly together. You have to forget this sister. am sure u from from india or paki ?? no doubt .as only people there who still have these ridiculous culture which is out of islam! and backwards culture!
somehow you are behaving like a kid, i know you love your parents, but do u love your husband? is he a good husband? if your parent cant accept it , then go n lve with ur husband asap and stop this sin. are you worrying about your familly? will you live your entire life with your familly? Sister, trust me, they are just money minded, showoff, fooling themselves with cultural values which have no values infact.. Go and live with your husband if you really love your husband if not it will consider as if you have played with a man and now because of your familly or husband need to pay this concequence!
Make a move and get back to your husband if u love him, Trust me, with times your familly will reunite to you and all will be fine, just dont show them u r on their side , else they will abuse on you.
You have done a great job sister, u have done nikah to a men without living in zina. Now your familly have no brain, they want you to divorce your husband and marry one in their choice , i wonder which kind of blood they have in their veins,divorce is not a games! Lets say someone was doing same to their daughter then they would feel it! remember i think your husband also have a parent which will suffer to see their son is divorce for nasty reason from... only a last way for you to try, teach them about islam first as they sound devilish, muslim with good faith would never revenge about marriage and ask u to divorce other and to please them.
teach them islaam and teach them how big sin u will have to commits. commit sin to please parent is illegal in islam. disobey parent to not commits sin is 100% Legal.
Sorry for my words, your case deserve it and my anger is on your parents and not on you. i just wanna ask you to wake up and use your brain. some parents in your country always says "Our childrean always break our dreams" but now i can see parents are breaking their children's dream !
Allah said better save a nika marriage rather than to ask for a divorce!
May allah guide and you reunite your familly together with same husband. human always do mistakes , but may allah change their mind and make them realise. insha allah you will be a winner sister, incase they dont accept, get back to your hubby and start ur life as normal and dont care !
Salam
Assalam Walikoum Uzzy,
Thank you for your response and your honesty. I am actually born in the US but my parents are both Algerian. I just hope Allah will find me a way because I do not know how I can live peacfully with my husband while my parents are alone and feel hurt even if it is baseless excuses. I am trying to do my best with finding a balance however it is extremly difficult 🙁 . Thank you again and please keep me in your Duaa.
Uzzy:
I would be very relieved if you are a woman... I am so delighted to see someone who ain't a feminist here on this website...
Hi Zafar, I dont really know what you are trying to meant... whatever, am not a female. Just male. if you have any problem let me know and feel free 🙂
Uzair Khan
@ uzzy
I think I know what he means. He is super angry about his interaction with other people from another post and since he couldn't really make a point over there he is randomly posting taunts on other posts.
@ zafar
Get rid of the prejudice that you have for sisters here. No one is a male basher. Uzzy's post is very sensible indeed but if you would have read other responses from our sisters here like najah, nadia and pepper (I don't know if happy hippo is a sister...oh btw what a cute name!) you would have clearly noticed that none of their opinions have contradicted brother uzzy's. All of them have wonderfully and very strongly supported the poster's husband. Now if you choose to not look at those responses then no1 can help you.
just want you to understand that sometimes at some point we all realize where we go wrong only if we keep an open mind or else no1 can save us from wandering in the darkness of ignorance. so get rid of your prejudice as soon as you can. On behalf of all the sisters in faith I wish you peace of mind and the sense to preserve your grace.
p.s plz Don't make incoherent comments that would make people ask you ''what's your problem?''
I am a sister all right!
🙂
Sis Happy Hippo
apple green:
with due respect I didn't ask u 4 a response..mean your own business
Uzzy :
sorry mate, I was referring to another post on which the feminists on this site were bashing husband's rights and the level of affection and loyalty of a wife should be for a husband... any how bcz u r not a female, it isn't really surprising that you are applying some sense here
Brother Zafar, Assalamu'alaikum,
Our website is meant for Islamic advise, be it coming from men or women. Anything that is good and not contrary to Islamic teachings, we allow it.
Your comments are unnecessarily taunting some good advisers on our website. If you have something good to tell the poster without showing your personal grudge against the commenters, you are well to go. Otherwise, I will have to think about placing you on moderated status.
Calling women "feminist" may prove to be damaging to some women having quite less knowledge of the deen. It maybe damaging your own deen as you will begin having an attitude due to which women will think you are chauvinist (in some cases you may turn into one). Islam has no place for gender superiority. Allah ordained men and women to do their duties and stay within limits, which is what they should worry about, instead of being a reason for someone's misguidance.
So please do not leave a comment on our website hence, if you don't have a grudge-free advise for the poster.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
asalamu alaikum,
sis remind your parents, a person who hates another person due to ego, arrogance etc can end up in hell fire. even if you have a grain of arrogance in your heart you wont even smell jannah. this sin is really dangerous, may Allah protect us all amen.
prophet Muhammad(pbuh) said a arab is not superior over an non-arab and vice-versa.
I would like to add one more thing,
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) taught us that any woman who dies in a state that her husband is pleased with her, she shall enter Paradise. So, try your best to please him (even when you think it is not worth it - it is still worth it)
ma salama..
Sister,
I speak to you not only as a woman...but as a mother myself.
Go home to your husband.
Your parents at this point are neither fair to either of you nor trying to be accepting of what is halal to both of you.
Pray for your parents and let them know that you want them in your lives always. Let them know that your door will always be open for them and pray for their understanding.
Your husband is a good man who in spite of everything has stood by and even allowed his wife to go home in the hopes of things working out for the best. It seems your parents did not have sincere intentions to see things through and hoped you would end your marriage. Their ploy failed thus now they tell you to divorce.
You have a right to be happy. You have a right to be with the man whom you love...your husband. Not a boyfriend or lover but your husband.
Go make your own party and celebrate with your husband. In time, maybe your parents will reflect on this whole situation. How they themselves are responsible for making things the way they are...how they are the ones who are breaking your family relationship because of their limited vision. Never stop praying for them, their forgiveness and most importantly their love.
Who knows...maybe the birth of a grandchild will bring them around, Allahu alem.
May Allah guide you all to a place of understanding and acceptance.
Salam
Sister Najah I want to say that this post of yours have really touched my heart. I do agree that the sister could have been in a worse situation, with a boyfriend or a lover but instead she is in a halal relationship with her husband and this is where she needs to be and this is where she is safe. May Allah protect her and us all from these types of situations and may Allah broaden our vision to these issues, including ourselves for our own children, Ameen.
Salam Pepper,
Thank for your kind words. May Allah guide us all onto the right path...ameen.
Salam
Assalam Pepper,
Thank you so much for your Duaa. May Allah soften everyone's heart and I hope the next generation will erase these cultural ideologies and instill Islamic values. That is the only way we will get back on the straight path. I would never want any Muslim brother or sister have to choose between a life partner and parents, it is the hardest situation to ever be placed in and the only think keeping me sane is the guidance and trust in Allah . The only thing left for me to do is Inshallah move in with my husband, I just don't know how to get up and do it but please keep me in your prayers. Again, thank you for the time you put into looking at my post.
Once again sister Najah with a well-thought-out and profound response (mashaa'Allah). Keep up the good work. And same goes for everyone else who work hard to help everyone. Sorry if my comment was off-topic.
Assalam Walikoum Sister Najah,
I would like to thank you sincerely for your response and advice. It touches my heart to see that you and others take time our of their lives to help others going through a dilemma, Mashallah. I do agree with you, I KNOW I have to go back to my husband... but I keep having these thoughts that without my parents blessing I will never be happy, which right now I am not. I am an only child, all I want of course if my parents approval and being able to be one big family. To them, they see my husband as not 'one of them'. It is sad and I keep praying that Allah will guide them and myself to make this move. I just do not know how to leave.. I spend nights with my husband, my parents both get angry which does not make sense. Should I just pack up and tell them I am leaving ? I do not want to break their hearts. Honestly, some days I think it would just be easier to ask for divorce and let them win 🙁 . Again, I appreciate your response and may Allah bless you and your family.
Dear sister Muslimah403
First of all, my sympathy goes out to you and I appreciate your selfless attempt to heal the situation. I will tell you a win-win situation. Sister, if you truly love your parents, please go back to your husband. The reason is this. You must know your priorities after marriage. Your responsibility to your husband comes before your parents. If you neglect your husband, you are committing a big sin. If you do it because of your parents, I'm afraid they will share in the sin. I'm sure you do not want this situation, right?
So, please do your parents a big favor by going back to your husband. In shaa Allah, time will heal the ties between you and your parents. I have seen this happening many times. My mom has three sisters, no brothers who survive to adulthood. Their parents were Christians. Three of these four sisters reverted to Islam and married Muslims. One married a Hindu man. Their parents were very distressed every time a daughter got married this way and disowned each one for marrying someone who is not from the same religion nor culture. Eventually, the whole family got back together despite the differences, especially when the grandchildren came along.
So, sister, please please go back to your husband. Trust Allah to take care of your parents. Pray for them, both for their well being as well as for them to be granted hidayah by Allah to the right path, the correct path of Islam, instead of blindly following cultural values which are not in tandem with Islamic principles.
May Allah bless us all!
Salam ,
I would like to thank you sincerely for your response and advice. All of these responses got me emotional because I see that there are still people who care in this world and take the time to help others . You are right, I know you are right . I just do not know how to take that step and leave my parents again..I think I depend so much on their happiness I feel I can't be at peace knowing they are depressed and angry; for no true reason. My husband has continuously tried talking to them and calling them, they used to talk and now there is no communication. Our wedding was supposed to be this past April, but my parents played it off like we are children. I keep praying to Allah to help me take this step, I just do not know how to start it. All I want is to not lose my parents and keep my husband, it breaks my heart to see my parents force me into making a decision that will impact my life forever. May Allah soften their hearts and guide them and everyone else who is going through the same situation. Again, thank you so much and please keep me in your Duaa
I also agree with sister Najha....
As long your father was your wali your nikha is valid and the islamic rules says you should stay with your husband. If your parents was not ready to accept him then ask them in first place why didnt they told you before? Maybe you won't get any answer or maybe you will get harsh answer. Remember allah said to obay our parents as long its not against Allah but unfortunately whatever your parents want to make you do it's dislike in Allah's eyes.
I will tell you a very personal thing that happened in my life couple of years ago. One day my husband used bad words to me that time I was 7months pregnant I cried like hell. I live abroad I called my father and told him I don't want to live with this man he used bad words towards me. You know what was my father reply? He said be smart, be successful and have faith in Allah and have patient. Your life didn't even started and you thinking of leaving your husband specially you carrying his child? If life was that easy then everybody would have been angle. After that I realised I was fool of leaving him. He goes to work 6am and come home 6pm he do work for me to make me happy to live in better place to ride a in a good car for our daughter future.after that my husband was loving me more then anything and I haven't stopped praying to Allah for my happy family. And inshallah I will pray till my last breath for my family.
Sister, if your husband is a nice person, fear Allah and fullfill his duties towards you then do go back to your husband your parents will realise soon inshallah that your married life is healthy and happy.
Walikoum Salam,
Thank you so much for your reply and your insight, as well as everyone who has replied to me so far. I appreciate it and it almost brings me to tears seeing the number of devoted Muslim women and men who are willing to take the time to reply to my dilemma.
To answer just your question, my father was my Wali yes however they both expressed their disapproval to my mariage.. mostly again because he is not from my country. I just continue to pray, it is hurting myself and my husband greatly because we feel our lives are on hold. But at the same time of course I do want my parents involved and have their approval, who wants to start a marriage where there is tension between the spouse and parents ? . I should of thought about this before, but my husband and I are very compatible and it is very rare to find a man that is willing to do ANYTHING to be with you. I am just lost, I keep praying and Inshallah Allah will show me a way out.
Again, thank you and to EVERYONE for responding.
Assalamu alaikum
I married without my parents' consent through the court 2 & 1/2 years back after lots of struggle my parents somehow(not by heart) accepted my relationship. They just called a kazi and made arrangement for nikah, none was invited. (rest of the comment has been deleted)
Wa Alaikum as Salam Yasmin,
Please login and submit your question as a separate post. In sha Allah, we will publish it in turn.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi Muslimah403,
i would suggest go ahead with your husband,
i don't meant to leave your parents and never see back them, i mean to say just leave them and take care of their requirements from certain distance,
why i am saying this because you are gifted with good caring husband, you canot be with your parents for long life, if you prefer your husband then you will get parents back later (but soon ha) dont worry about your parents,
they definitely come to you later but now these days you need to look after the guy who is waiting for you, also i appreciate that you are thinking of both side even in such situation,
Trust me your parents will come back, if divorce takes place then you will loose the loving one who is not from your family and he would be forever for you, also he is your HUSBAND,
One practical suggestion: i think this would sounds something different,
Tell me how many years your parents will be with you??? 30-40 years???
and what about husband a minimum of 40 years and may more, so tell me which is the good deal, look i am bot saying that you are leaving your forever but you are taking care of them by maintaining a distance which they will feel bad they also need a money and support, which you are providing them being their child, this is good enough,
May god bless you,
Gopi
Assalam Walikoum,
Thank you so much for your reponse and taking the time to give me advice. I know I need to go back to my loving husband, I just do not know how to leave without losing my parents. Especially as an only child, if they had an open mind and saw the effort I am making I would bring them to live with me, my husband has no problem with that... which is quite rare to find. Anyways, I pray that Allah softens their heart. Thank you again and please keep me in your Duaa.
Inshah Allah...
Take care and don't worry, just keep quite and wait, they will back and accept you,
Be happy....
Gopi
Sister muslimah403,
Your parents will always love you because you are their daughter. It will take some time for them to get used to your new life but maybe a grandchild can soften their hearts (may Allah bless you with a child). Allah has saved you from doing wrong sinful things by allowing you to get married. If you were not married what could you have been doing? (may Allah protect us all from these things) Keep giving dua for your parents non stop. Every time you pray, every time you have free time, every time tears flood in your eyes pray for your parents and pray to Allah to forgive you.
There is a time when we just have to do what we have to do, we have to get married at some point (by the will of Allah because some of us don't get married) but the feelings we feel are natural and we want a family. Your parents should understand this as well because they were married and they had you. This is something that is natural and given to us by our Creator.
Please do not worry or stress too much about this, Allah has everything in control and just trust in Him. Also know that the first step you take in Jannah you will forget completely about this, this is what I think when I am extreme distress and pain both physically and emotionally. So keep struggling for Jannah and know that this is just temporary and Allah has something better for you in the hereafter if you just do one thing, have patience and trust in Him.
Here are some duas for your parents you can say, I don't know them well in Arabic but I can give you the English translation and if you want you can find the Arabic in your Quran.
"My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small." [Quran; Surah Al-Isra, Verse 24]
"Our Lord! Forgive me and my parents, and (all) the believers on the Day when the reckoning will be established." [Quran: Surah Ibrahim, Verse 41]
May Allah forgive us, allow us to be patient, do good deeds and have true faith and may He give us all Jannah. Ameen.
Asalamualikum wa rehmathullahi wa berakathuhu
my dear sister, islam taught us to respect our parents and to obey them but in your condition if you agree with your parents and give him divorce then that would be really bad you can obey your parents if your husband is not proper with his deen or if he is torturing you but here you are saying that your husband is a really good man so why divorce ??
Allah Subhanatallah hates talaq please my dear sister just keep your hope on Allah and just make sincere duaa In Shaa Allah your parents will change soon and In Shaa Allah they will accept you both soon 🙂
May Allah Subhanatallah guide every ummathi Muhammad on the staright path Ameen ya Allah
hi iv been reading threw all comments it is hard to make a desicion against parents wishes , in my situation im 29 going threw divorce with two children i have ended a 11 year marriage i have been threw so much in the 11 years cheating lying other women drugsetc etc the list could go on on , no one is supporting me in this il tell you one thing u cum in to this world alone and you are alone threw out and go off this world alone aslong as u pray and remember allah inshallah allah will help you x
Asslamualikum,
I am very much worried i need a good guidance
My parents are forcing me that i should take divorce from my husband,my husband was stuck in such situations that he couldnot take responsibilities of me and my duaghter,its been 9 years now,he did for us in his limits he was stuck in such problems and issues so he didnt take our care,but still i am with him because i know he is having so many problems but my parents got negative feelings about him now my parents and siblings all standing against him just because of this reason that he is not taking care of me and my daughter.but i dont wana take divorce,i know he is stuck in problems but once his problems will be finished ,i have faith in Allah he will take care of us.my parents say either coose him or leave us if i cant leave my husband i cant leave my husband i have one daughter,please guide me in light of islam
Uzma, stay with your husband. Your place is with him, not with your parents. They cannot tell you to divorce him.
My advice would be different, however, if your husband was an alcohol or drug user, or a gambler, or if he abused you or cheated on you. But if you truly think that his financial problems are just temporary and not derivative of some underlying character problem, then stay with him and be patient.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@Uzma: my husband was stuck in such situations that he couldnot take responsibilities of me and my duaghter,its been 9 years now,he did for us in his limits he was stuck in such problems and issues so he didnt take our care
Why can't he take care of you and your daughter? You need to share a bit more about his problems and issues.
No my husband is not alcohlic niether he is gambler,he just have fiancial issues,he is in gulf and and he gave his passport his brother inlaw and due to that issue when his brother in law didnt return him his passport he got stuck in deep problems,he got illegal,got fines day by day,he was under great debt,because without passport he cant get good job amd problems were getting big and big day by day,he started lieng with me aboit his passport about his job and i dont know lots of lies due to financial issues but still i dont wana take divorce now my huband is in jail due to some illegal payment whih he had no idea he got stuck in that from last 4 months he is in jail and my all family standing against me ky either i leave him or if i dont wana leave him i should leave my family,i have no place to live husband is in jail and ,my condition is getting worst day hyday,parents ate angry that am not taking divorce am such in bad condition i only seek help from Allah that help me am in great pain.