Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Chronic illness and desire to get married

girl innocent

Does being ill mean I must face this life alone?

Assalam o Alaikum,

I am a 26 years old woman and I am suffering from a chronic illness for past so many years. Although the illness was treatable but I couldn't get cured due to my family's negligence.

Their behavior turned worse with the passage of time. At that time I was emotionally disturbed so much that I shared every problem of mine with a man I met over internet. He is a compassionate person who really wanted to help me. He gave me emotional support whenever needed. We had a really good friendship but my feelings changed for him somehow. I started to like him and want to spend rest of my life with him. I never told him that I like him. He wants an arranged marriage, a wife of his parents' choice and I think he has never thought about me in this way.

Now I am so stressed about all this . Should I tell him what I feel? A man wants to marry a woman for her beauty , wealth , nature . Unfortunately I don't have beauty or wealth. and I am afraid that by marrying me his life would be ruined. I know one thing now that being ill doesn't make you immune from falling in love. We never wanted to be in a relationship from the very start and we are very honest with each other but somehow my feelings have changed. Can a girl not get married just because she is ill? Why he couldn't think that perhaps my feelings have changed for him? Why a girl who is ill has no right to get married of her own choice and have a family?

I never wanted a haram relationship or have an affair with someone but Allah has somehow changed my feelings. If he gets married he would easily forget me and enjoy his life but I won't be able to do so. Why am I the only one suffering? If we did wrong in talking with other then why I would be the one at loser's end?
Need advice what should I do?

Ainex

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35 Responses »

  1. I don't think there is anything wrong in letting him know how you feel. However, you must be prepared for the response. If he does not reciprocate your feelings and does not wish to marry you, then you may be crushed. Will you be able to handle that emotionally? If so, then tell him.

    There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. It is a little bit complicated because of your illness. If someone got to know you, then they would look beyond your illness to the person you truly are. But in Islamic marriages, the "getting to know you" part comes after marriage. Before marriage, all they are going to see is a young woman with an illness. I know it does not seem right, and it is not, but that is how things go. That does not mean that it is impossible. There may be someone out there who will accept you as you are!

    Also, in the future you might get better, and your illness just won't be an issue. Can you have patience in the meantime? Focus on your recovery, your health, your job, your interests?

    • Its true that in Islamic marriages getting to know you part comes after marriage. We live in a society where parents choose brides for their son and tell me which parent would choose an ill woman for her son no matter she has all other qualities that they might want. So again it comes to this that a Muslim woman with health problems can't marry because people would never be able to look beyond her illness.

      Yes, in future I might get better ,but how? Unfortunately my parents have seem to lost interest in my medical condition and this problem is huge obstacle for me to pursue my interests and do job.

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    i believe everyone deserved to be loved, people who are suffering from chronic illness or not. they say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. from your view you may think you are not pretty but from a mans view you maybe the most beautiful person therefore be confident and don't draw a conclusion on yourself. wealth comes and goes, so wealth should not be a deal breaker. being attracted to your character and personality is the most important thing..

    you could tell him how you feel, maybe he feels the same just that he is shy to say. you have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain and should get things cleared out. you do have right to get married just like everyone else and choose whom you wish to marry and start a family. be confident, never let your illness pull you down nor let people look down on you for your illness, and don't be disheartened if things don't work out, because it happens to everyone, that's life.

    ma salama..

  3. Salaams,

    Is this man muslim? If he's not, and you are, then there is no way forward for you both. If he is, then chances are he has more than a friendly interest. Most muslim men (who are worth their salt) won't foster a 'friendship' like the kind you have with him, so either he is careless in his deen or he has more than a passing interest in you himself.

    One thing you have to be aware of though is that men aren't mindreaders. How should he know your feelings have changed if you don't tell him? How do you know he's not mutually interested in you if you don't ask? Don't assume your looks or illness are a barrier. He may love you for other qualities that you possess. Sometimes what one man may reject, another may fight to have. How do you know unless you bring it up?

    I think you're getting a little too down on yourself for what the situation deserves. You're not suffering, you're simply attracted to someone. It's natural, and there may be an opportunity to explore that if you find out he feels the same. You're not being punished or barred from marriage because of your condition. Even people in very severe situations still manage to find someone who cherishes them and wants to spend life with them.

    I think you need to go ahead and broach the topic of marriage with him before putting yourself through more unnecessary stress. Simply ask him, "Have you ever considered marriage between us? If not, would you?" If he is not receptive or says he's not interested, then you know you have to pack up the romantic feelings you have for him, and move on. You may have to end the friendship with him if it proves to be too much of an obstacle.

    But you may be pleasantly surprised to hear he likes you and wants to find out if your compatible with him for that. Then you can take it to that next level in shaa Allah.

    The bottom line is being honest and open, as you state you've already been doing. Once you do, no matter what the outcome, you will at least know where you stand.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • She shouldn't be talking to him. Its haram. This is supposed to be an islamic site.

      • Salaams,

        Sorry if my response was not sufficiently judgmental for you. I work with people who have chronic illnesses, it's not easy to survive with no support at all. She didn't say she did anything more than get occassional support from this person. I don't see how that's haraam, personally. It's not the same as an intimate friendship that crosses boundaries.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • @ Amy

          Getting occasional support from this person who is ghair-mahram can lead to haram .relations, apologist opinions about actions which can lead to bigger sins should be avoided.

          • Getting support from ghair-mehram can be dangerous... yes, I agree on that but when none of your mehram pays any heed to what your needs are and they talk to you like you are just something nasty and your sisters are all busy with their own kids and families. What should one do?

            Wattawaso Bis Sabar (Surah Asr)

            And Advise each other to patience.

            And this patience comes from human beings when someone requires kind words , helping hand and strength to fight and struggle in life..He talked with me when everyone else failed.

    • Amy, He is a Muslim and somehow he got to know what I feel about him so he asked me himself just to make things clear. But the strange thing is when I confessed that yes my feelings have changed. He ,at first , asked me to control on what I feel for him and he said that we should both remain cautious from now onward .(at that time he didn't tell me what he truly felt about me) but when I asked again he also confessed that he was having same feelings for me but when it came to marriage he simply said that he can't marry me because he doesn't want me to suffer all the taunts that I would have to face for the rest of my life and he can't change the thinking of the society on this kind of marriage. He thinks that people would consider me of low character which is not true but I would have to face such thinking of the society and being so sensitive he doesn't want me bear this kind of taunts.(We both are from different casts and unfortunately his family won't allow him to marry outside his cast).He also said that he is not rejecting me because of my health as he thinks that I can get cured even if not 100% but still I can get better if proper medical attention is provided. and at the same time I was feeling that it might ruin his life if he marry me and why would a person marry me if he can marry any other woman who is healthy. He is so caring about me and understands whatever I am going through when everyone else fails but is somehow afraid to take step forward and make it a halal relationship.

      After knowing that even after he feels the same for me and still he can't take any step to marry me I tried to avoid contacting him and limited myself from talking to him because of Allah's fear. But I felt so depressed because of all these and the current situation I am in and because of all that depression my health started falling badly I was going through severe stress and was not even taking my medicines properly I became so weak that I was unable to carry out any routine work. and that was the time when I talked to him and told him what I was going through and still he somehow managed to comfort me.

      What I am not sure now is can we still be friends and talk? or should I stop talking to him completely? Would it be a sin if he gives me emotional support? My illness is of such nature that people usually underestimate the pain it might cause anyone and unfortunately my family's behavior towards me has changed so much in past few years.They are completely ignorant about my health issues. They never take it seriously nor they take me to any doctor now. Unfortunately I have never had so many female friends and those I have are all busy in their lives and can't understand what I am going through.
      and I am also afraid that if I keep talking to him I might not be able to forget and let it go and I would get hurt again if he marries with someone else. A bit of confusion..

      • OP: What I am not sure now is can we still be friends and talk? or should I stop talking to him completely? Would it be a sin if he gives me emotional support

        Well if it helps you emotionally, it is more like a TALK therapy. Do you live near each other? Has he ever mentioned he would like to meet you? Exchanged pictures/skype?

        • We have never met nor has he asked me to meet..we've never even had video chat..But we have seen each other via pictures.

    • Amy, He is a Muslim and somehow he got to know what I feel about him so he asked me himself just to make things clear. But the strange thing is when I confessed that yes my feelings have changed. He ,at first , asked me to control on what I feel for him and he said that we should both remain cautious from now onward .(at that time he didn't tell me what he truly felt about me) but when I asked again he also confessed that he was having same feelings for me but when it came to marriage he simply said that he can't marry me because he doesn't want me to suffer all the taunts that I would have to face for the rest of my life and he can't change the thinking of the society on this kind of marriage. He thinks that people would consider me of low character which is not true but I would have to face such thinking of the society and being so sensitive he doesn't want me bear this kind of taunts.(We both are from different casts and unfortunately his family won't allow him to marry outside his cast).He also said that he is not rejecting me because of my health as he thinks that I can get cured even if not 100% but still I can get better if proper medical attention is provided. and at the same time I was feeling that it might ruin his life if he marry me and why would a person marry me if he can marry any other woman who is healthy. He is so caring about me and understands whatever I am going through when everyone else fails but is somehow afraid to take step forward and make it a halal relationship.

      After knowing that even after he feels the same for me and still he can't take any step to marry me I tried to avoid contacting him and limited myself from talking to him because of Allah's fear. But I felt so depressed because of all these and the current situation I am in and because of all that depression my health started falling badly I was going through severe stress and was not even taking my medicines properly I became so weak that I was unable to carry out any routine work. and that was the time when I talked to him and told him what I was going through and still he somehow managed to comfort me.

      What I am not sure now is can we still be friends and talk? or should I stop talking to him completely? Would it be a sin if he gives me emotional support? My illness is of such nature that people usually underestimate the pain it might cause anyone and unfortunately my family's behavior towards me has changed so much in past few years.They are completely ignorant about my health issues. They never take it seriously nor they take me to any doctor now. Unfortunately I have never had so many female friends and those I have are all busy in their lives and can't understand what I am going through.
      and I am also afraid that if I keep talking to him I might not be able to forget and let it go and I would get hurt again if he marries with someone else. A bit of confusion..

      • Assalaamualaikam

        I'm sorry to hear that this guy didn't respond the way you might have hoped. Cultural prejudices such as caste aren't Islamic but for some reason still seem so important to some people. But, at least now you know where you stand and can move forward.

        I'd advise that, especially as emotions have been discussed and he has made his position clear, that you try to stop talking with him and find support elsewhere. Continuing to rely on this guy for emotional support could easily lead to confusion and more heartache, not to mention the risk of zina.

        If your family aren't being supportive, perhaps you could speak with your GP/family doctor or look for support groups near you, where you could inshaAllah get support from other women who have been in your situation. Alternatively, there may be online support groups that could be helpful for you - just make sure that you check the site is legitimate and don't disclose information that could identify you.

        Chronic illnesses and disabilities don't mean someone can't marry. Keep praying and trust in Allah to send the right person along at the right time.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

        • Yes...he made his position clear...and we both are trying to recover from what happened...we just try to stay away from each other . He just send occasional message now to ask about my well being. but recently he said that he wanted to take advice from me on some matter and asked if it was convenient for me to advice him...I agreed and he wanted my advice on his marriage issue . He said if its ok if he remains single always ..and he wanted my point of view on that Really??? How can someone be so insensitive? What did he want to hear? did he want to hear that if it was okay if he gets married to someone else? When it was about me whether he would marry me or not , he just decided all by himself saying it would not go in our favor and now he is trying to take advice from me that he should marry someone else or not I just replied that you did measure pros and cons when it was about me ..at that time you didn't seek anyone's advice..so now why are you asking me now..you are able to measure pros and cons this time too by yourself or can get advice from your any other friend...his point is his parents might emotionally blackmail him to marry whereas I think no one can force a man to marry anyone..if a man wants to be emotionally blackmailed he would be..(all men after saying to a girl that he has special feelings for her do this kind of thing..at first they make excuses on why they cant marry that girl than they would say Ohh!!! my life is ruined..how would I be able to be happy again...then they say that ohh my parents emotionally blackmailed me to get married to someone else ..my heart is not into it ..than they go ahead get married and live a happy life )
          what should I do? did I reply correctly? is it normal to feel hurt when someone asks such a question? please reply

        • Assalam o Alaikum

          There is an update in the situation. I want an honest guidance and reply. This man asked me that he wants to send his parents at my home for proposal (he still has not told anything to his parents) .He asked me just one thing that will your illness effect married life. I told him that before I say anything I ask doctor about it and must get myself treated to the point that my illness become manageable so I asked a friend who is a doctor. After hearing all my medical condition she said that if you want to marry than in future you will want to have kids and the medicines you take are not advisable in pregnancy at all and my health condition is such that it is necessary for me to take those meds daily and I can't even decrease the quantity and even if I get myself treated I might have to use those medicines whole my life. (I searched on internet for alternative medicines but these might not work on me as i take higher doses). I told all of this to that person and he got confused again. Of course no one will knowingly marry someone with these kind of risks involved.(we both love kids). I gave him chance to refuse me but he still still says that there is hope and at least you can try to get better. I am so afraid from Allah that if I marry him this might ruin his life and at the same time I think this all happened on Allah's will so I should not refuse him. Sometimes I think that Allah wants me to live a normal life like others so HE is giving me a chance and sometimes I think that it is just a test from Allah that I act selfishly or I let him go for Allah's sake. We both performed istikhara and still nothing is clear and we are unable to decide. Please give me suggestion as to what I should do. Your honest opinion is required.

  4. OP: He wants an arranged marriage, a wife of his parents' choice and I think he has never thought about me in this way.

    I guess he is looking for sex only.

    Can any one look at you and tell you are ill? Does your illness interfere with your normal living?

    • "I guess he is looking for sex only."

      Another one of your comments that seems to come completely out of the blue, has nothing to do with anything said in the post, and has to do with the presumption of sexual activity.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • SVS always has questions for OP which never get answered and he seems to be obsessed with sex............LOL

        • Recovering: SVS always has questions for OP which never get answered and he seems to be obsessed with sex............LOL

          Both of them have FEELINGS for each other, but guy has all the excuses why he can't marry her. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure what is going on. Why do you think Islam wants no contact between a woman and non-mehram?

  5. "but somehow allah changed my feelings" astugfarullah, lady dont pin this on allah this is your own fault

    • Salaams,

      What is the 'fault' in having a change of feelings or romantic interest in someone that could potentially lead to marriage? Is there a sin in that? I think the reason she said Allah did it is because it says in the Quran that Allah turns the hearts of mankind whichever way He wills. I'm not saying she understood the ayah or applied it correctly, but that is the way some understand it.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Yes, Allah changed my feelings for him because he is the turner of the hearts and I think he is testing me this way. and I don't think its a sin to ask someone as a Husband from Allah. It was not some sort of crush ,affair or attraction that people have. I asked him from Allah because of all his good qualities.

  6. OP: A man wants to marry a woman for her beauty , wealth , nature . Unfortunately I don't have beauty or wealth.

    poor women also get married, women who are not beautiful also get married, women who are too short or too tall also get married, all kind of women get married. Go sit in a mall and watch couples.

    You have not mentioned what illness you have. Can people look at you and tell you are ill?

  7. Ainex: He said if its ok if he remains single always ..... is it normal to feel hurt when someone asks such a question? please reply..........all men after saying to a girl that he has special feelings for her do this kind of thing..at first they make excuses on why they cant marry that girl

    You don't know why he asked the question. He may be serious about never getting married.
    You have tried to analyse "why he could have asked that question". Your analysis is about what you "THINK" why he asked you that question.

    Even if he gets married and never tells you, you may never know about what he did unless he tell you.

    Excuses usually come after people been physically close.

    Did this man ever say he wants to marry you?

    .

  8. Assalam o Alaikum

    There is an update in the situation. I want an honest guidance and reply. This man asked me that he wants to send his parents at my home for proposal (he still has not told anything to his parents) .He asked me just one thing that will your illness effect married life. I told him that before I say anything I ask doctor about it and must get myself treated to the point that my illness become manageable so I asked a friend who is a doctor. After hearing all my medical condition she said that if you want to marry than in future you will want to have kids and the medicines you take are not advisable in pregnancy at all and my health condition is such that it is necessary for me to take those meds daily and I can't even decrease the quantity and even if I get myself treated I might have to use those medicines whole my life. (I searched on internet for alternative medicines but these might not work on me as i take higher doses). I told all of this to that person and he got confused again. Of course no one will knowingly marry someone with these kind of risks involved.(we both love kids). I gave him chance to refuse me but he still still says that there is hope and at least you can try to get better. I am so afraid from Allah that if I marry him this might ruin his life and at the same time I think this all happened on Allah's will so I should not refuse him. Sometimes I think that Allah wants me to live a normal life like others so HE is giving me a chance and sometimes I think that it is just a test from Allah that I act selfishly or I let him go for Allah's sake. We both performed istikhara and still nothing is clear and we are unable to decide. Please give me suggestion as to what I should do. Your honest opinion is required.

    Please Reply

  9. Ainex: so I asked a friend who is a doctor. After hearing all my medical condition she said that if you want to marry than in future you will want to have kids and the medicines you take are not advisable in pregnancy at all and my health condition is such that it is necessary for me to take those meds daily

    You should speak to the doctor who is treating you about having kids. THERE are many medications that have warning about pregnancy. Don't play doctor. I am sure a doctor can find a way to treat you during pregnancy.

    For some reason you are unwillling to share your medical condition and medication you are taking, It is hard to help you.

  10. Unpredictable things happen in life...No one knows that it will happen...My health condition worsened over time still my family neglected...and then came a proposal for me which seemed to be ok to my family and then they took me to the doctor : ) (After the proposal) . Doctor advised my family for a quick surgery as this is the only solution. She sent me to another doctor for surgery but that doctor refused to operate as he doesn't do these kind of surgeries. Then began the search for a good doctor and meanwhile my family said "yes" for that proposal (but the others do not even know anything about my health condition). I argued with everyone that they should tell them about my medical condition as I am not ready to get married when the other person doesn't even know what I am going through but still they didn't think it is of so much importance and that everyone gets ill and has some kind of problem and I should trust Allah that I will get healthy again and I should pray that my husband is supportive : ) . I asked the person I like to send a proposal as it is better to get married to the person who knows about my health condition and also has feelings for me but he clearly refused and said that he can't tell his mother because her mother's health is not ok and she will create a fuss and if we get married our lives will become a living hell. I feel betrayed because he had said that he would try to convince his parents and then backed out without even trying : ). after a few days he started feeling guilty when he got to know how I think about it and asked me again if I am ready for any outcome if he tells his mother (It would mean that my family would have to refuse to the other proposal) and it also means that his mother might not get convinced but 1 thing I was sure of that he cannot go against his parents' wish. He told his mother about me to remove his guilt but of course he didn't try to convince her. His mother said that she would not compromise on this thing and refused to accept me. In the end he told his mother that he has also decided not to go for it because if the family doesn't agree it would create problems in later life.He told his mother just because I had said that he backed out without even telling his mother and without even giving it a chance. All his guilt has gone now : ) His mind is in peace and his mother is looking for a suitable girl and will try to get him married as soon as possible : ) So looks like everyone got what they wish for...The person I like has all the guilt gone and he feels relieved after telling her mother : ) Mother got her wish as his son had already decided not to go for it and the girl who could become a problem for her is now engaged. My family got their wish as they have found someone for me even if they have not told him the truth about my health. What about me? : )
    I am engaged to someone who did not even know about my health. and even after all this my family thinks that surgery is not necessary. Doc is afraid to operate on me as even a slight mistake can become a life time issue without any solution...and I realize this now that I depend emotionally on that person so much....We both had decided not to talk but still I message him whenever I feel depressed. I don't have many friends with whom I can share these things. My family doesn't know that I like someone else so much and there is no benefit of telling them now as that person can't send proposal : ) I think about my health issue all the time and it is so torturing to think that I am going to get married with someone who doesn't even know anything....and what if the person I am engaged with also does the same thing like my family does (Ignore my illness). the surgery which should be done on immediate basis gets delayed as doctor is afraid to take such a risk. What should I do? I don't want to go to psychiatrist as I cant take mind relaxant because it can worsen my issue but I do need help now...I just cry all the time....Physical trauma is not I am facing I am also facing emotional trauma....My family never taught me to lie they taught me to be honest but still they have become selfish and because of the fear that if they tell the truth about my health I would not get married they are not telling the truth...
    Is it so necessary to marry your daughter? are they so much of a burden to you? and why do you think that the other person would care for your daughter when you have failed to do so....
    and how come a man who also likes you so much can leave you so easily? and just sharing all this with his mother because I made him feel guilty that he doesn't even have courage to tell this to his mother....Whose responsibility I am? What do I get in all this if everyone has gotten their wish? : ) please help me : )

    • Ainex: Is it so necessary to marry your daughter? are they so much of a burden to you? and why do you think that the other person would care for your daughter when you have failed to do so....
      and how come a man who also likes you so much can leave you so easily?

      It is not being burden, it is to make daughter have her own family and enjoy her life. Her new family will support her in her old age. About men leaving easily......many men will do any thing to get a girl in bed.

  11. can anyone please reply??

  12. Will anyone ever reply to this...??? or should I stop looking for help here?

    • You have already received several replies. We do not have the resources to provide ongoing counseling. There are many people writing to this website for advice. If you need continuing help, you should consider seeing a therapist or counselor in person.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • This is a bit rude : ) People asking here come with so much hope and yet receive something like this. you even didn't read my previous response. Now at least tell me how can I delete this post.
        I've been checking the website for so many days and was about to make a separate post so I can get an answer but new posts take time to publish that's why commented on old post.

        • It was not my intention to be rude. My reply was honest and practical. Seeing a counselor in person can be very helpful, especially when someone needs ongoing counseling.

          It does bother me when I see people criticizing or complaining instead of being grateful. You received many good replies. Did you thank any of them?

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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