Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Concerns on Becoming a Second Wife

second wife

Assalamu Alaikum,

I am a 36yr old muslim and only child of my parents. despite trying a lot, I still remain unmarried at this age. I lost my father recently and now its just me and my mom.

2 years back I became friends with a 40 year old man who had once sent a marriage proposal at my house when I was 20 years old. My parents had refused the proposal at that time as i was still studying and also that he was from other fiqh. He told me now that he loved me since when I was 10 years and was waiting for me to grow up. he then sent his parents to my house with marriage proposal but my parents refused. He says that I was his first love and he always quietly loved me without anybody knowing. When my parents refused, his parents forced him into an arranged marriage. He says that he could never get over me but tried his best in the existing marriage. He also stayed out of the town to keep his mind away from me (I was totally unaware of all this). His wife never treated him well and kept insulting him. Both of them were not happy in the relationship. He has 2 kids; however he is not sure whether they are his kids or not as he had received letters from his wife's exboyfriend about his wife having relationship with him. He still always tried to adjust for the sake of the 2 kids.

2 years back, we met coincidentally and became friends. he then told me about his love for me since childhood and proposed to me again for marriage. He never had peace in his first marriage, so wanted to marry again for a peaceful life. However, I do not want to become someone's second wife. I told him this and he agreed to divorce his first wife as he is not happy with her and marry me.

I know this is not right as per Islam. I cannot ask him to divorce his first wife to get married to me. Plus, being the only child, my mom is not agreeing to get me married to this man with 2 kids. I have started loving him and feel he is a genuine guy. But don't want to upset my mom, I tried to make her understand, but she threatens to break all relations with me if I go against her and marry him. I don't understand what to do. Please advice.


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8 Responses »

  1. First, be careful. Be 100% sure that he is acting honourably and that he means it when he says the first marriage is over, he will get a divorce, and marry you. How he treats his current wife is a strong indication of how he will treat you. I agree that you shouldn't force him to get a divorce - that should be his own choice, and, he should treat his wife and children kindly and generously in the process.

    Secondly, you are nearing 40 years of age. Your mother has no right to threaten you or dictate who you can and can't marry, unless of course the prospective spouse is a bad apple - non-muslim apple, that is. Are you going to keep waiting for the perfect person who will keep both you and your mother happy? Reality check: at your age, that will never happen, I'm sorry to say. That's just the way things are in Islamic cultures.

    Third, you have an obligation to treat your mother with kindness and to take care of her. You do not have an obligation to give up your childbearing years. Once your mother passes away, you will be completely alone. Remember that as you contemplate keeping her happy. Your wishes and your obligations towards your mother should not be in conflict.

    • Sister Precious Star ,

      I think your comments regarding her age might demotivate her and i think you should have avoided that .There were cases where even 40+ women got good husbands so you never now .Any thing is possible in Life .

      • Anything is possible, but not probable. There is the odd case of a 40 year old Pakistani lady getting married, but not very many. The fact is, age is a big thing in Pakistani --and most muslim -- cultures. I speak from experience. She has to be realistic.

        • Also, just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that she marry this man due to her age -- I'm suggesting she give him serious consideration IF she confirms that he is honest and conducts himself properly vis-a-via his first wife. I share the concerns of everyone else who has commented.

          If those concerns turn out to be invalid, then yes, the time in her life has come that she ought to put her own needs for marriage, companionship and motherhood ahead of her mother's threats.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    No one can deny that finding out that someone loved and admired us from afar is quite flattering; however, if I was going to choose polygamy, personally, I would want to marry someone who was in a successful and thriving marriage, as opposed to in a failing marriage

    His relationship with his wife is the reason he is pursuing you and it is becoming the reason and/or the basis of his infatuation with you as the thought of being away from his problems is a kind of escapism. I realize that in Islam men can marry more than one wife, but I doubt it could be justified because his first marriage is failing--so what are women supposed to do in a failing marriage? This is flawed logic.

    He needs to focus on his marriage and his kids and the both of you should stop communication. Had he sent a marriage proposal to your mother and never disclosed his first wife's private information to you, it would make him more credible--otherwise, this doesn't sit right.

    May Allah swt help you to find the best solution and help you to marry a pious man, Ameen.

  3. Salam sister, don't let age be a factor to push you towards marrying this guy. You'd rather wait an extra year and marry the right person instead of settling for someone because of age.

    Having said that this guy could be genuine, but the way he is behaving currently isn't very respectful towards his wife. You don't truly know what the circumstances are between him and his wife, she could in fact be a very good wife to him, but he is sneaking around behind her back and bad mouthing her, and possibly lying. I think this kind of reflects his character - a real man of good morals wouldn't disrespect his wife or expose her to another woman. If things were really that bad in his marriage why did he wait till he met you to consider divorce, he should have done it ages ago. If I relate to my own personal experience my husband did the same to me - he bad mouthed me and made up lies about me to win the sympathy of another woman just so that he could get his way with her, which was really hurtful, especially since I wasn't at fault. So just something to think about.

    Also why have your parents refused his proposal twice?? There must be a reason. Anyway, I personally don't like the way this guy is behaving, he's essentially a married man - happy or not - who is trying to establish a relationship with another woman rather than doing what's morally correct and either working on his current marriage to save it or respectfully ending things.

    If you want to give him the benefit of doubt, then let him sort out his current situation with his wife. If he independently chooses to divorce his wife because things are not working out between them rather than for your sake, then you should consider marriage. Otherwise he is just messing around and has no respect for his wife, you or his marriage. He has the potential to treat you in the same way in the future.

    Think things through before you make any kind of commitment.

  4. Also sister i am not judging you but you need to take responsibility too, your getting involved in sinful behaviour with this man. You know he has a wife and children, and you don't really know him well enough to trust eveyrhing he tells you. He needs to sort out his current marriage like a real man before moving onto another woman and a second marriage. Before this he should not be approaching you. It's wrong. Let him sort out his mess before he drags U into it.

  5. Sister Siddiqua, may Allah make things easy for you.

    I will give you short answe, as i guess this is what u need.
    Your mom loves you, but the one who will get married is YOU not her. If you like this guy by all means get married to him, second wife or theird wife. For his first wife do not ask him to divorce her its his decision and you do not need to take the sin / blam for what happen between them. She is your sister in Islam and you sould wish her all the good things. The real test is in how you feel/treat her. Be a good muslimah and Allah will reward you with happiness in Dunya and Akhira.

    For your mom, she will not cut relation with you.. she threatens as she thinks this is what is best for you, but its your life and you know better of what you can accept and whom you accept .. Further more your mom is not your wali, your wali is your dad, so let the matter to him to convince her

    May Allah bless you

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