Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Just found out my husband has been looking at pornagraphy our whole marriage; what should I do?

Internet pornography

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am a reverted Muslim sister (caucasion) married to a reverted African American brother. Both of us practice Islam pretty strong, (at least I think we are). We have only been married about three years, and all though we are an older couple and both of us have had previous marriages, we both are active and much youger looking then our age.

Here's the problem,

I believe strongly in pleasing your husband as much as you can, but, I think my new husband is taking advantage of that. He seems to practice Islam very strongly in just about every area except sexually, and I don't know what to do now?

I have been allowing him to do just about anything he wants to keep him pleased, (including oral and anal intercourse which can be painful) but, now I am feeling hurt and betrayed by his actions and wonder when I should start thinking about divorce.

The other day I found a very nasty porno DVD and he admitted to watching it and masturbating to it throughout our marriage, if that didn't hurt enough he tried to blame it on me by saying I don't give him enough and I was too quick.

What should I do? I have never been faced with such a problem. I'm not bad looking at all, have a good figure, keep myself and his home good, contribute quite a lot of my own money to the marriage. What I'm saying is, I can't understand what his problem is? What more does he want?


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21 Responses »

  1. As Salamualaikum,

    Sister, problem is with his uncontrollable desire, his lust. He has made you do the Haraam. Anal intercourse? Were you not aware that it was Haraam? There is no obedience or pleasure in a sin or disobedience of Allah Izza wa Jall. You are not obliged to obey him when if wants you to do what Allah and His Messenger forbid.

    If he insists on this sin, then I do not see any good in him for you. If he can not guard this boundary set by Allah, and deliberately breaks limits, then what good is there in him? Allah Knows Best.

    Talk to him and tell him that it is Haraam and give him ONE chance. Tell him that he can not watch another woman and her Awrah, unlawfully, while he has his wife who expects loyalty from him. And also tell him that there Haraam actions are disliked by His Creator - Allah.

    If he intends to change, perhaps you can give him a chance. Otherwise, you may have to consider choosing between Allah and him. I am sorry, but it is true. When you are led to sin by someone, there is no good for you in that person. And Allah Subhaanah Knows Best.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. Brother Waseem made it clear that anal intercourse was haraam (and pornography too), but said nothing about oral sex being haraam. I have read that there are varying views on this matter both on this website and on

    My understanding is that oral sex is something that is not haraam--but has some limitation to it in the sense of exchanging fluids via mouth. I will not go into details, but rather suggest you go to website. and also search on this website about this as i've read about it here as well.

    Just thought I would put that out there in case we go a bit too far in stating what is and what isn't allowed. Obviously, this couple is having trouble, I don't think it would be wise to provide mis-information about what is and what isn't allowed.

    Sister Yasmine, sorry to hear about your troubles, May Allah guide us all on the straight path and put to ease your difficulties inshaAllah. Ameen.

  3. Astagfirullah! Sex toys??? brother sadaf this is haraam.!

    • I am not a brother.

      I am not the author of that website and I think you should look at the detailed response below from Brother Muhammad1982--at the bottom there is a site regarding toys. I am no expert, but I understand that many of us have some educating to do--if not for ourselves, then for our spouses.

      May Allah guide us all. Ameen.

      • Yusuf al-Qaradawi in his book 'Al Halal wa Al Haram fil Islam' i.e. The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam deems it much preferable to prohibition as the latter may lead to fornication,a major sin. He also states that as caressing and mutual stimulation is encouraged, which could be regarded as mutual masturbation in one sense, it would be illogical to approve foreplay whilst condemning masturbation.

      • Salam Brother,

        First of all, you are ACCUSING me of saying that a person should use vibrators, dildos and plugs. I am not saying that at all--read my post again--NO WHERE DID I SAY THAT A PERSON SHOULD MASTERBATE. You are reading a lot of stuff into my post that isn't there. What i'm saying is that there is information out there. You are not married and therefore you do not understand the situations that can occur in a marriage--which I will not go into, but I was not suggesting anyone use these for themselves but instead that sex be an experience for a married couple in a halal way. We are having a discussing, please be careful what you accuse me of. Again I am not the author of that website--and perhaps someone with more knowledge would know better--that is what i'm saying--to education ourselves.

        I am Muslim. and as for what sect I belong to--again I am MUSLIM.

        And yes, for extreme cases--who are you to judge what extreme is for anyone? Everyone's extreme is relative. What if a married woman or man were to commit zina, but something prevented them to do that in such a discussion. And I am sorry to say, but a LOT of women do not get an orgasm by penetration--but you do not know that since you are not a woman.
        That is why there are Hadith quoting how you should approach a woman--obviously, she is a WOMAN, so how could her experience be the same as a man???

        Your quote below:
        "Masturbation is 'self-love', and in Islam, sexual desires r forbidden to be expressed alone(except under EXTREEEEEEEME conditions), only between husband and wife. " Not sure where I said that a person should self-love--and I didn't so do not put words there that are not there.

        "What type of woman would lower herself to the point to put a man's p*nis into HER MOUTH. " --- I don't know, but apparently you have a lot of opinions of "this" type of woman--and in a way you are offending many women--especially when there husbands are demanding and may threaten zina or another wife? So, on one hand you offer your opinion and on the other another person's opinion is not alright. Y not stick to what is and what isn't allowed and I think there is plenty of information in the post of Brother Muhammad1982 that we can take information from. I do not think I want to pass judgement of types of women and men--we come to this website as a place to not be judged and a place of guidance--not to hurt one another.

        As for having these desires fulfilled in the hereafter--I don't get why a person would look forward to such "disgusting" acts in the hereafter if there are disgusting. All I am saying is that I think we should stick to

        "Anal sex is haram, sex during menstruation, and masturbating is haram"--and obviously ppl can read details about this--I don't want to offer my "opinion"--cos that is irrelevant especially when it comes to other people and their personal lives in their own bedrooms.

        a MUSLIM sister who doesn't need to state her sect, cos I believe in ONE Muslim UMMAH

        • No worries Brother--I probably sounded angry, but my intention was to make sure proper information was out there, or at least that we do not give wrong information and I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings--no worries.

          One thing to add is that I do not understand the reasoning "Her mouth, she uses it for eating, drinking, talking, FOR READING THE HOLY QURAN... which recites the Quran and is used to praise ALLAH"--how does that mean that you should not do any oral sex??

          When a husband and wife are intimate, they TOUCH each other's private parts with their hands which later you would use to touch the Quran???? You are not actually going to touch the Quran with your mouth ??? I think this reasoning fails--so does this mean that husband and wife should not touch each other's private parts with their hands?? I don't mean their own--I mean their spouses--and isn't this WHY we do ghusl--to cleanse ourselves after intimate relations with our spouse. And during wudu, we rinse our mouth three times--I mean, Alhumdulillah, the provisions in Islam really do ensure that we are clean and take care of ourselves.

          For some reason, I think people make intimate relations of husband and wife sound disgusting--when Allah has in fact made us a blessing for each other.

          Maybe I am wrong--I just want to learn and know what IS and ISNT allowed--not opinions.

          I hope I didn't take away from Sister Yasmine's problems--I feel that the post below from the brother gave plenty of information and I pray that ease comes to sister Yasmine's life, inshaAllah. Ameen.


          • "For some reason, I think people make intimate relations of husband and wife sound disgusting--when Allah has in fact made us a blessing for each other."

            Thank you. I fully agree. Many people in the Muslim world are brought up to think that relations between Muslim men and women are shameful, and this negatively affects their marriages in many ways.


        • Brother Abdul Jabbar is a child (13 years old). I have deleted all his comments, as he just stirred up a lot of arguments on the forum.


  4. Wasalam Sister Yasmine,
    It is so unfortunate to hear what you are going through and to what extent you went to fulfill your husband's demands. Anal sex as well as sex while a woman is menstruating is outright haram, there is no obedience in disobedience of Allah (swt). Think of it this way sister that you reverted to please Allah (swt), you made a lot of difficult decisions to be a Muslim. If your husband can't see this fact, respect and cherish you and most importantly help you to reach Jannah than what good is he? Isn't it what non-Muslims indulge in? I will request you to make a stand as no man is worth losing Jannah and burning in hell. It may be that he was suffering with porn, masturbation and other bad habits before coming to Islam. If that's the case then you might have to work hard and help him get rid of this habit.
    It won't be over night but first step to solving any problem is admitting that there is one then devising a plan to how to initiate the process, what steps to take to cut the bad habit slowly and eventually stop. You must tell your husband that you won't be taking part in such acts anymore but he needs to change. Also, please request your husband to be honest about if he was with any other woman before or still; if so than you both should get tested for STDs. This is very sensitive issue and you must bring this up when he is calm and find a way to not get him angry or retaliate harshly. Please read the post and responses that I copied from other posts by two of our sister fellow editors.

    Sara (Editor,

    Assalaamu alaikum at the present moment I am not able to answer each question individually but I found this article which may be useful to you InshaAllah and may even answer some of your questions. Otherwise I will try to get to your question:

    This article has been reviewed by resident MM Psychologist Haleh Banani; she has written up a follow-up article to this post, which will be posted soon after Ramadan inshallah.

    This article WILL help you KILL porn addiction or at least start on the road to recovery inshallah.


    Physiology of porn addiction & why it’s so hard to quit
    Porn addicts: you are not losers & you CAN quit
    The Ramadan connection
    Simple changes towards a new life

    The other day on the MM Facebook page, I had posted a question- “what is one bad habit you’d like to kill this Ramadan?” Surprisingly, one brother openly wrote about his desire to stop watching porn. Think about it. What great desperation would make a person openly talk about this habit? In fact, this is a brave brother, who has recognized his battle, and who is literally begging for a cure, a change. He is afraid, scared of going through Ramadan, through fasts, afraid that he will not be able to ward off the urge to flip on an internet porn site, or a DVD to watch some porn.

    Some of you may be thinking, “Astaghfirullah, how can someone even think of doing this in Ramadan?“. Stop. First say Alhamdulillah, and thank Allah that He, Al-Rahman, has protected you from this great fitnah. Next pray to Allah that He keeps you away from the dark forces of sexual addictions of all types, from porn to zina, naudhubillah.

    Some of you may remember that I addressed the dangers of porn addiction in a post nearly four years ago called Pornography Addiction Among Muslims. Not only did this article touch a strong nerve in our community, but it has since become the 3rd most viewed post on MuslimMatters. And, every few months, it still goes viral. Why? Not because the post is some masterful gem written by a world expert; rather, the post was merely a collection of true stories of people afflicted. With the availability and accessibility of internet spreading like wildfire, I reckon the problem has only gotten worse.

    Effects of Porn

    Although destructive in many ways, the deteriorating impact porn addiction has on intimacy between spouses, tops the list. There is developing research that “pornography was progressively desensitizing these men sexually… that they quickly required higher levels of stimulation to achieve the same level of arousal”. The sad reality is that your wife/husband becomes progressively insufficient to satisfy your sexual desires.

    For those addiction-afflicted as well as those who aren’t, take heed of the dangers of porn addiction. Like alcohol and drug addiction, porn addiction cannot simply be shut off. Rather, one must undergo a rigorous process requiring time and effort, and this process cannot start unless one understands why this addiction is so strong. Porn addiction is one sub-category of sexual addictions, likely the lightest in terms of haram- but equally destructive and almost certainly leading to worse if not nipped in the bud. That is why Allah has instructed us to not even “approach zina” [Quran 17.32], because with porn as an entry-way, it becomes almost impossible to stop one’s path to zina.

    Why is it an Addiction?

    Research has shown that porn addiction is a “chemical addiction“, having an effect on the brain that is very similar to drugs. It has even been called the new crack cocaine in this Wired article. Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Cognitive Therapy, calls porn the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.”

    First let’s see how drugs work so we may see how analogous it is to porn addiction. The National Institute of Drug Abuse reports: “Most drugs of abuse directly or indirectly target the brain’s reward system by flooding the circuit with dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter present in regions of the brain that regulate movement, emotion, cognition, motivation, and feelings of pleasure. The overstimulation of this system, which rewards our natural behaviors, produces the euphoric effects sought by people who abuse drugs and teaches them to repeat the behavior.”

    Porn addiction works similarly: “During the sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When these chemicals are released during healthy marital intimacy we refer to them as “the fabulous four” because of the myriad positive benefits they generate between a husband and wife. When they are released during pornography use and other sexual addiction behaviors, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system.” [Read more in this informative article]

    Overcoming Addiction

    We know that drug addicts can get over their addiction. We know that alcoholics have been able to do the same.

    So, if you are a porn addict, know this:

    (1) you are not alone
    (2) you are not a loser or an evil person
    (3) you CAN kick this habit but only with a huge amount of jihad’l-nafs (the struggle of the soul).

    This psychologist-backed site will further help you understand your addiction–the first step in this journey of killing it. I have not done an extensive review of the site, so “buyer beware”. Please keep your Muslim hat on, and, like all information, screen it through a simple Islamic filter.

    For spouses, family, friends, and supporters, know that:

    (1) It is important that you “recognize” the addiction and become partners towards a cure rather than continually debasing and disparaging the addict. Debasement only makes the addict feel worse and increases the desire to seek pleasure from endorphins through porn.

    (2) Porn addiction is destructive not only for the addict, but also for the spouse. As we saw in my previous post on porn addiction, it has the ability to destroy marriages. That is why it is not to be taken lightly. I urge spouses of addicts to please also be a “partner in solution” rather than a police officer. You cannot hammer the addiction out of your spouse. Learn about its physiological and psychological aspects, and HELP in the recovery. If you love your spouse, you will give it your very best shot.

    The Ramadan Connection

    The psychologist linked above, Joe Zychik, mentions two requirements for overcoming sexual addictions– effective motivation and a reliable method.

    Ramadan is a time where we are instructed to fast. Fasting has been described by the Prophet (salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) as one of the ways to control sexual desire:

    Abdullah (b. Mas’ud) (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah’s Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us: “O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford it should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire.”

    During regular days, it may be tough to observe this instruction, but Ramadan is a month where you are surrounded with “effective motivation” to fast. The last thing you want to do is go through the motions of fasting yet breaking it by engaging in your addiction. Use this opportunity to make some strong moves towards a “reliable method“.

    Partner Up

    Connect with a close friend, family member, or spouse–someone you can trust. Let’s call this person your “partner”. Have your partner install a strong porn filter/activity monitor on your computer. Let him/her control the password and make this partner promise that they will not give it to you regardless of how much you ask for it. If it helps, make them swear by Allah. In some cultures, putting your hand on the Quran reinforces this promise.

    Make Structural Changes

    Replace your SmartPhone- If you watch porn on your phone, get rid of it! Replace it with a non-internet-capable “cheap mobile”. Either you can have a nice toy or you can save yourself from porn.

    Change your computer- If you watch it on your laptop, consider buying a desktop instead that stays in an open area where you wouldn’t want to be caught watching porn.

    Turn off your TV- if u have any porn videos or DVDs, destroy them now, before you lose your spirit.

    Reliable Methods

    Self-Talk- Talk to yourself and your partner about your addiction. Consider this: If you are able to control yourself during fasting, why can’t you control yourself during the nights of Ramadan, nights that are the holiest nights of the entire year? And if you are able to control yourself for the entire Ramadan, is the Allah of Ramadan not the same Allah of the rest of the months, Who watches your every move?

    Make constant dua- Ask Him, Al-Tawwab, to pardon your sins, and grant you barakah in your efforts and time to help you overcome this trial. Recognize that you are in this trial only by the will of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala), and by His will and mercy, He will lift you from this trial after you rise from it, a stronger believer. Use the nights of this most blessed months, and the moments before you break your fast to humbly ask Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) for help.

    Moisten your tongue with duas such as this one:
    اللهم اني ظلمت نفسي ظلما كثيرا ولا يغفر الذنوب الا انت فاغفرلي مغفرة من عندك, وارحمني انك انت الغفور الرحيم

    ‘Alla-humma innee thalamtu nafsee thulman kathee-ra wala yaghfiru thunouba ila anta, faghfirlee maghfiratan min ‘indika, warr hamnee innaka antal Ghafoor-ur Raheem.’
    [O Allah! I have wronged myself very much, and none can forgive sins, except You only. Grant me forgiveness, and have mercy upon me; indeed You are the Most Forgiving, Ever Merciful.] (Bukhari) (for in-detail translation)

    Read Self Help Books- Beyond the self-talk, you need to continue the journey on a “reliable method”. Your best bet is to get books on breaking sex addiction. Do it NOW before you lose your motivation to read them! It is more important for you to read these books in Ramadan than to spend time on entertaining guests or even tarawih (stopping haram is more important than an optional, mustahab).

    Get Counseling- If you have access and ability to engage with a psychologist, this is the time to put that in motion. Call one and set up an appointment. Make sure this psychologist is a specialist in the area of addictions, especially sex addiction.

    In other words, start doing whatever it takes during these Ramadan days of high spiritual motivation to set into motion something that will keep you porn free in the LONG RUN, as opposed to perhaps controlling it only in Ramadan.

    Note: This article does not rely or recommend “coaches”. Maybe in a year, when we have testimonials from people who have been cured–and stay cured–with such coaching services, I’d be glad to advertise their services. For now, please don’t post any such services provided, because this would be just advertisement that I do not, in good faith, agree with or can recommend. This is my own opinion, not MM’s.
    Taken from

    Amy (Editor,


    Sara thank you for that helpful article. I would like to just make a few comments, if I may.

    You asked if love marriage is acceptable in Islam. I am not sure what you mean by love marriage, as far as it being distinguished from any other marriage. I don't think anyone would tell a Muslim married couple that they should NOT love each other, so the very idea of a "love" marriage being haram seems ludicrous. In Islam, EVERYTHING is halaal unless it has been named as haram.

    Regarding pornography being haraam. Pornography involves nudity. Here are the hadith you requested about seeing the nudity of others. Notice that they do not differentiate or specify that the nudity has to be live. Nudity is nudity. Period.

    -No man or woman should look at the naked body of each other (unless married). Sahih Muslim

    -By God, I would prefer to be thrown from the skies and spattered in parts than to look at someone's private parts or let someone look at my private parts. Narrated by Salman. Almabsooth kitabul istehsan.

    Don't expose your thigh to anyone and don't look at the thigh of any person even if s/he is dead. Narrated Ali ibn abi Talib. Ibn e Maja, Abi Dawud, Darqutani. Tafseer Kabeer

    Once someone's thigh was open in public. The Prophet said don't you know thigh is supposed to be kept covered? Jerhad Aslami. Muatta Imam Malik, Tirmidhi, Abu Dawud

    Allah has written for Adam's son his share of adultery which he commits inevitably. The adultery of the eyes is the sight (to gaze at a forbidden thing), the adultery of the tongue is the talk, and the inner self wishes and desires and the private parts testify all this or deny it. Abu Hurairah. Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud.

    If you try to argue that cartoon pornography is not as offensive or haram, consider this: Ibn ``Abbâs relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Every image maker is in
    the Fire. For each image he made, a being will be fashioned to torment him in Hell.” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (2225) and Sahîh Muslim (2110) – The wording accords with al-Bukhârî] Scholars agree that this refers to two-dimensional images (drawings, which would include cartoons) as well as three dimensional (sculptures etc).

    It really sounds as if you are trying to find a way to justify a sin Astagfirrullah. It would be better to admit these are wrongs against the self, others, and Allah and work on submitting to what is Halal.

    Regarding sexual toys etc you can review this link for a detailed response by one mufti:

    and an alternate position based on fatwa here:

    May Allah (swt) help you get through this and open your husband's heart and mind to stop and repent before it's too late.


  5. I guess Oral sex is permitted. Masturbation is also something which is not prohibited, however inhibition is advised.

    Anal sex is not permitted.

  6. Brother Abdul Jabbar

    I know that in paradise, the experience will be beyond any fantasy I may have here on earth. However, once we are in jannah, why would one want to act in a haraam manner as in a fantasy fueled by Shaytaan? I am asking this sincerely, because such thinking confuses me. I can imagine jannah being better than any haraam fantasy that Shaytaan may tempt me with, but I cannot understand why I would still be thinking in that fashion once I was there.

    To me, once I am in jannah, if Allah has blessed me with a pious muslim wife, I cannot imagine anything better than to be next to her in bliss. And if not, I pray that Allah will grant me a pious Muslim wife in jannah to share eternity with.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

    • Subhanallah, how true, brother... It is what the Sunnah says, that Paradise is what no eyes have seen and no ear has heard.

      May Allah give us from His Mercy. May Allah Give us al Jannah

      Whether we go to the Jannah or not is what we should be concerned about. We should pray that Allah gives us al Jannah. Whatever we get in there is Allah's Wish, let us confide ourselves to what we find in the Sunnah about the description of the Jannah.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Brother Abdul Jabbar,

      You have mistaken. A man who enters the Jannah, his wife will also join him if she enters Jannah also. Quran and Ahadeeth are evidence to this. An Aayah from Surah at Tur:

      “And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, - to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything.”

      In Surah Ghaafir,

      “Our Lord! And make them enter the ‘Adn (Eden) Paradise (everlasting Gardens) which you have promised them — and to the righteous among their fathers, their wives, and their offspring! Verily, You are the All-Mighty, the All-Wise”

      So, the belief that the men will not have the human wives is wrong.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

  7. Salam,

    Dear all,

    I read the above comments but couldn't really understand what the argument was actually about and what was it finally concluded as the second person's comments were deleted.

    But I would want to know whether oral sex is allowed for husband and wife or not? with good reasons please

    And Annal sex during the mensuration of the female is allowed or not?

    To what limits can a wife and husband go to make each other pleased and this would make them satisfied which really makes them get away from committing any sin outside as long as they get satisfied.

    I know this question must not have been asked here but as this arguement is going on, lets be clear with this and this will help sister yasimine as well to some extend.

    Please kindly give logical and authentic reasons to make us understand this issue fully

    Concerned female (married)

    • Concerned female, these questions have nothing to do with the above post; but briefly, there is a difference of opinion among the scholars regarding oral sex but it is generally held to be permissible, as there is no text from Quran or Sunnah prohibiting it; while anal sex is flatly prohibited at all times.

      Wael Editor

  8. Dearest Sister Yasmine15,

    I am so so sorry Sister for hearing what you are going through. I was in a similar situation whereby when I confronted my ex husband about pornography it was already too late for our marriage. The deception and betrayal I felt when my suspicions were validated made me aware that I was not willing to spend the rest of my life with a man who has shown no remorse for his behaviour. Yes I did give him three chances and this was not my first marriage either. So Allah opens new doors where other ones closed, and by surprise brought to me a Brother most suitable mashaallah, and I pray whatever your decision that you pray Salat Iskikhara about your situation and any decisions you may be facing.

  9. Asalamwalikom ,
    Anal Sex is Haram and I was also taught that if a married couple do so they are instantly devorised . Although I never sought the daleel of such judgment ( only because I had no cause to ) . But wheather or not thats true fact is haram is harm .
    In the Qur'an it clearly says enter your wife in anyway you choose except threw her anas ,and that Allah is most Forgiving and knows what you do with your wives . Meaning if oral sex is not alloud Allah would of included it at this point . Right ?
    Sister what your husband is doing is wrong and hard to deal with . I advice you to ask him to fear Allah and to choose between fearing Allah and remaining married or to go his own way . But if Insha'Allah he chooses Allah you need to remove all temptaions out of his grib , evan removing computors or internet . There is a saying dont walk where you slipped before for cerntinly you will slip again .

  10. i dnt want see porn any more, i dnt want do this sin any more :'(

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