Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Rape, stigma, lost virginity, and depression

Button against rape

Rape is a crime. It is never the fault of the victim.

Carving new dreams:

As you blossomed up you start to weave hopes for a good life but things are never predictable and this is what happened to me.


Secret Emotions took toll

As time passes by, we grew younger and bolder, I had a dream to be a doctor but my father was not ready to support me with money because spending money for it, he wanted to me do graduation only, somehow i took admission in FSC, in a class I met with nice guy who belonged to a very nice family. In the beginning, there was no communication at all between us regarding any relation, but we found ourselves compelled to have few words because secret emotions were developing slowly.

I want to cut the chase out here. He asked me if I would marry him and I was agree on the spot. Things went slowly on the track  and we had a nice relation, he was understanding me and I assumed he loved me with all his heart. I  did not want to leave home but i could tell the truth one day for the sake of my life.

Asked for a Date:

One day he asked me for an outdoor meeting, I was a bit reluctant but I trusted me, I managed to get out of home and went to meet him, he took me right to the court and asked me if i was ready for nikkah because he knew I was kind of reserved and shy. I gave it a quick thought and got ready for that bold step because I was in love with him.

He went inside the lawyer's room and came back outside in few minutes with a sad face to tell me that the lawyer was not there and court was closed for some reason. He took me to his home because it was too hot outside, he asked me to wait in his room. I sat on sofa and we had cold drinks. Later he asked me for a kiss, I was not ready but he smiled and said it's ok after all he was going to be husband. With heavy heart beat and a little confusion, I moved myself close to him. Things heated up right that moment, he took off my clothes in a rush , he started to be affectionate in a bad way. I just get up but he told me you are my wife, you should be ready for this.

He started sex and was hard, I was 18, I resisted and asked him to stop because it was something I could not take. He did not stop even I was requesting him again and again,and he chose to going on, I was screaming with pain, I did not know what was going on. He had already set tv at high volume, as my screaming were getting louder he would turn the volume higher and higher. I did not know where his parents were and why they never heard anything.

My Requests and Cries were unheard

I began to lose my consciousness, I was still alive but not breathing properly but he did not care for a jot and carried on anyway. Water was coming out of my mouth and my hands were shaky. When he was done, he got straight up, there was blood everywhere. He cleaned it up and patted me and said 'Oh, I am sorry."

Was he only sorry for raping me that badly?

I asked him why was I bleeding, what's all that, he told me not to worry and said; "you will not get pregnant and if you get I will do nikkah instantly".(I want to mention that i was not even aware of anything like hymen, my knowledge on sex was limited. I didn't even know what it meant to lose blood during intercourse, but now it's too late to know all this).

I had no choice left. I knew I was raped and I knew something bad had happened but I didn't know the extent of my loss until I grew 25. I felt very bad about that relation but he assured me he would stay with me.

Fears and no patronage

That was my first time. I came back home with a lot of pain, I wish I had something who could listen to me, I knew I had done the biggest sin for I might be killed. I could not sleep entire night because I was scared and my legs kept shaking until morning. I wanted to scream but I zipped my mouth, wore a silence for the rest of my life.

Tried to carry on with life:

It took me several weeks to put myself together, he kept calling me and talking to me meanwhile. I took admission in BSC classes to get out of burden. He told me he would send his parents once we complete our studies. So I was optimistic that he was going to be my husband. He asked me for a date again, I was blindfolded and I just did what he wanted because I considered he owned me for being my husband. I was foolish and immature.

 Meetings and mental torture

We met around 6-7 times and he repeated his bad act with me though I asked him to stop doing it. I was not comfortable at all, the tension built up in body every time. I felt a lot of pain all the time and never enjoyed it.

I eventually gave up and told him I would not carry on until marriage.

We were engrossed in education, he was very angry for the time being and stopped talking but I knew he would came back and he did. I believed he would never leave and never betray and I was so wrong.

Last meeting and Quran:

I decided to have one last meeting with him. I knew he would do sex with me, I wanted to leave everything to Allah because I was in middle of nowhere. I asked him if he really wanted to marry me or not, he said;"yes. Indeed he wanted it badly. I asked him to bring Quran and read some Surah for me, he was confused because that was not something he was expecting from me.Anyhow he did it for me and started reciting Surah from last Parah, I requested him to say that 'he accepts me as a wife.' He was shocked and upset, his murmur some words I could not understand but then he loudly said "yes I accept you." And there were tears in his eyes. I could feel something odd and said;" Allah knows us better if you have been unfaithful to me for any reason you will be asked for it and if I am being unfaithful in any way I should be punished for it."

I am sorry I did that but it was necessary because I did not want to get into darkness anymore, I was doing it to please him while marriage was far away and I could not just let it happen anymore.

Hidden Affairs:

After returning home I cried and asked Allah to help me because there was no shoulder to cry on and no way to seek help and in few months, unexpectedly, some stories surfaced up on their own which tore me apart completely. It was revealed itself that he had been in bad liaison with many girls and one was even pregnant with his child. I asked him but he denied but it was proved later - that girl kept contacting me and making them to do what he wanted. I was broken and hurt. I asked him why he did that he kept avoiding me.  He was in  countless relations and I was just a pawn for him, he played it smoothly and he played it well. Who was at loss?  He was successful in maintaining such relations with his believable lies.

Past and present

He is married now with one kid and  living a happy life.

Past has turned me suicidal. I cannot get away with thoughts. Today I went up for some fresh air and I stood around the balcony for fairly ten minutes with intention to jump down but my sister came up and detected nothing and took me downstairs. I know it is haram but what is out there for me?

I started offering prayers right when I broke up, the pain was terrible i was like a bird with injured limbs and no cure, there was nothing i could do. I kept asking God to help me and I also repented for my sins because the guilt was feeding my soul every day. Hardly a day went without remorse and tears. I wanted my prayers to be heard so I kept PRAYING, PRAYING AND PRAYING.

I had been on medications and trying to survive, i stopped eating for one month while i was regular in prayers, nobody in home knew what was going on. I wished for death because I was no more pure. Only Death could take away my sufferings.

I asked for Allah's forgiveness everyday (and I still do it today), I had gone strayed unintentionally but I had never been a bad person trust me, it was just a mistake to fall in love that turned me to be a sinner. I have come to know that nobody can love you purely except for your parents whether they are gentle or not, they do care for you to some extent, at least they don't leave you alone the middle of your injuries.

I went psychotic and I started writing a diary, from first page to last page I was writing only one word 'Allah' and there were tens and thousands of pages in the room, my sister could not understand what was happening. I was beseeching him by writing each time and there was pain in that each moment, i thought my heart would explode. anytime and before it happened I must write and request.Everyone knew I was upset, but why? They asked the same question and lips were stitched together. What could I tell?

Stopped hanging out:

I am arrogant today, I don't attend ceremonies, meet with friends or people, I rarely step out of home or when I go I feel nothing but burden. I am in a constant depression, I take medications some times but I give up ususally, I have nightmares from the past and sometimes I cry for three to four days regularly at night. Will Allah really forgive me? I don't want to feel pity for me, I just want to pray for me.

Marriage and fear:

I am impure, filthy and smudged no matter how much I pray I don't feel all right. My soul is pure and i want it to go to heaven. I don't want to burn in hell please help me. I never hurt anyone and never deceived anyone. I am trying to be submissive to my parents, my mother wants me to marry now and she has already started looking for nice proposals for me but I have deep fears preying on my health now:

My hymen was torn, there was blood on the sheet.
My husband may find out I am not a virgin and he will disown me, leave me, disgrace me.
The matter will be brought to attention in my family and I may have to face severe consequences and I may have to commit suicide because I will not be able to put up with anything, anymore. I have already lost my weight and got weaker now. I sometimes feel too shaky to do household work.
My private parts have been contracted but I am not sure if I am as tight as a virgin girl usually is. I am trying some kegel exercises though, I don't know what to expect.

I seek your help and guidance, Please tell me what should I do? I love Allah and want to embrace all Islamic values (marriage being one of them) but I have a hard time moving on, how will i tell my husband that i have had a relation.

I also want to mention that I never continued unlawful sexual relation after he was gone so it was kind of started in 2000 and ended in 2005 in seven meetings.It's been a long time though I could not make myself stabilize.

I am not virgin anymore and I guess I have no future. I cannot betray anyone, if my husband finds out the truth and asks me, I may have to reveal it. Please suggest me what should I do. If i get marry will he know that I have been deflowered before?

Thanks in advance and Please pray for me because I am surviving in my own life.


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42 Responses »

  1. Omg!!! That put me into tears 🙁
    Hope whoever it is get punished karma will come back round to him.
    I know it must be hard for you but you should talk to someone about it because by you keeping it to yourself going to make yourself even worse, your family will understand if you speak to them what has happened to you as you didn't plan on having sex with him.

    • My family is very sensitive about us, my mother is already taking tens of medications to keep her hair on. I cannot tell her anything. I cannot share this thing with anyone. I have to die everyday inside in order to live, this is my destiny.

  2. Sister,
    Hard to hear all that you've gone through. I felt pain in my soul when reading your story.
    You know you are a pure soul and a bright one.
    Whatever happened was really bad and traumatic. That guy was not for you... And whatever he did he has to deal it one day in front of Allah.
    Forget about everything in the past..... One thing I would like to tell you being a boy that anyone could fall in love with a girl like you.
    You are good, innocent, pious and has a great courage....
    Sister I had also gone through depression for many years and the only solution to it are two things......
    1. Everything what happened to you in the past will fade with time...
    2. To get out of this thing you have to make some effort like changing your lifestyle and your way of looking at it. It is like a well where you have to step out of darkness into the light.
    Half the battles are lost in the mind .... But you have already fought with great courage.

    Move forward and live your life.....
    I would like to tell you that I was severely damaged by depression and I am still trying my level best. I learned Reiki and it really helped me heal my soul. You should learn it. There are two levels 1and 2 for learning. Believe me you will definitely get better InshAllah.
    People with sensitive soul get wounded easily by others.Your emotions are getting blocked inside your soul . You need to release it. Past scars leave us Mentally hampered badly..... So my advice is Reiki to you......
    InshAllah you will get a good husband ....
    You are good and need some fresh air..... You have cocooned yourself like a butterfly and now its time to go out and fly.
    Release negative thoughts out of your mind.

    If your mother is finding you a suitable husband go for it . let her find a good one for you.
    ALLAH says in the Quran that " We have made khabees women for khabees men. And good women for good men"
    So you are a good soul ..... Go on and live happily.

    Take care.....
    Brother Shaan

    • Hello Brother Shaan,
      Thank you for nice piece of advice. When I read replies on my post I felt some peace, at least there are still some good people out there who can listen to your problem without shrugging the shoulders and offer a sincere advice.
      You are right that guy was not for me but I befell for him and it was a terrible mistake, I cannot take it back. Forgetting him will be never easy for me because he took all the peace when he left.
      You are right, all the sorrows will fade away slowly but i have been waiting this to happen for 14 years and i don't blame myself for giving up because I am so tired and weak now.
      I have tried making friends and going on, this does not work well for me. I start shivering in public places with an unknown fear especially when there are too many men. My sister took me to bazaar for regular shopping and I was as cold as ice because I was seeing a beast in every man. My sister was pushing me constantly and asking me what bothered me and I could say nothing.
      My mother is asking me to react normal and trust me brother I am trying hard.
      Thanks for telling me that I am a good soul, it is a relief.

  3. Dear Sister ur post broght tears in to my eyes. U have gone through alot and im very happy u didnt commet soucide and been stronge til now. May allah reward u for every pain u suffered and every tear u shed. Its so painfull to hear these kind of stories. Why these days most men are so crule and stone hearted??? Why cant they think a woman is also a human being not a "TOY"!!!! It makes my blood boil..
    Anyways sister i pray that allah bless u with a kind and wondarful husband ever. U have already gone through alot. i pray u live happly from now on. Sister u need to talk to samone who u can trust and u feel comfortable with. U need to take this pain out of ur mind and heart by talking to samone about it. It will only make u more sad and distarb if u keep it with ur self. I know how much it hurts when u really want to talk to somone but u just dont have that parson by ur side.
    U have already suffered alot sister u need to move on now. Talk to ur mum or may be a female doctor just samone who is trust worthy and ready to help u. If u dont talk u wont have a propar salotion for ur problam. Also pray salatul istikhara before u say yes or think about any praposal. I will remember u in my prayrs dear. Life is not fair with non of us we all go thruogh pains and face problames but in diffrent ways. The main thing is to remember its a test from allah. Ur not alone allah is with u, be patient and dont harm urself. Take care of ur health and good luck for ur future.

    • Thank you for your prayers, perhaps I need these in plenty in order to survive in this world where people are so callous, harsh and selfish. I am not comfortable with the idea of disclosing this secret that's why I have posted it here because I am in need of serious help and things are going out of hand now. If i told my mother or sister things would not be the same as they, it would wreck my reputation in home.
      I will do istakhara but right now I need to prepare my mind which is the most difficult part. Thank you again for your prayers.

  4. Im Sorry i read this..My sister you were at fault for your understanding and foundation of Islam was weak and falliable.Shaitan played you out.Nevertheless you still have life left.The punishment in the hereafter for adultry is very serious and scary the angels even curse these persons involved.My advice is that you renew your intentions with sincerity and ask Allah in tahajjud for forgiveness and cry for his mercy.This act should never be mentioned to anyone because you already did with this story.This how sins accumalate unknowingly when there is no correct deen and proper guidance. The future can be successful on how you want it to be. heres some tips 1 marry a scholor and a person who has worldly education,if you can 2)be punctional in 5 times and daily reading 3) FAST ONCE A WEEK4)give to the poor 4)help and give good advice to others. Im sure Allah has forgived you be happy and move on. By the way most men only want onething and thats sex because thats what the world promotes ...sooooo look for one with only Iman and he will treat you like queen

    • Thanks for the input. You are right, I was at fault somewhere that's why it happened. But now I want to take everything back, do you think I will be punished badly for this? I do not want Allah to send me to the hell, I am already praying brother and my sister gives away money on our behalf because we earn together. I cannot look for a particular person myself my parents are doing it. thanks for the advice.

  5. As Salaam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu,

    My Dear sister in Islam, May Allah bless you with peace of heart, with contentment, with sukoon, May Allah make you among those who would be a reason for people of your family and many others to enter Jannah.

    I have complete sympathy for you, and feel deep pain reading the post. However, Subhaan Allah, there has to be a reason, sometimes Allah lets certain things happen to certain people so that they can achieve the highest rank in Jannah that Allah wants for them in the hereafter, as they might not have been able to reach that by themselves.

    Every single time you feel sad, remind yourself, that our beloved Prophet (Peace be upon him) was driven out of his own city, the muslims were sanctioned by the Mushrikeen to a degree that Khadeeja (Radi Allaha Anha) passed away due to those hardships, Bilaal and Khubbaab were dragged in the desert and burned with heated rods respectively. Remind yourself, that Hamza Ibn Abdul Mutallib was martyred in Uhud, read the story of Mussab Ibn Umair the best among the teenagers of Makkah who was chained by his own mother for accepting Islam, remember the martyrdom of Jafar Ibn Abi Taalib where his hands were amputated first, remember that Umar Ibn Khattab was martyred, remember that Uthsman Ibn Affan was not let to drink water from the same well that he gave in endowment as sadaqa to the muslims, and he was martyred while reciting the Quran. Remember that muslims fought each other for the first time, and unfortunately Aisha and Ali Ibn Abi Taalib were in opposing armies, it was a very severe fitan, remember that Hasan was poisoned, and that Hussain Ibn Ali the grandson of the Prophet was martyred. (May Peace, Mercy, Blessings, and pleasure of Allah be upon all of them)

    I have only reminded you all of those things, because by Allah none of those companions of the Prophet were unfortunate, instead they were fortunate, and Allah tested them in this world, but they have a very high abode in the hereafter.

    Not for a moment do I mean it would be easy for you, but my sister, this life was never meant to be easy for everyone, and it is indeed a test. May Allah give you strength to pass it, but remember you have to make your effort, do not let the shaytaan deceive you into losing hope in Allah. Never lose hope in Allah, pray in the night, and give sadaqa anonymously, try to relieve pain of others. Why do you have to think that your Husband will question you about virginity. Allah is the one you need to ask, ask Allah in the darkness of the night "Ya Rabb grant me a righteous Husband, who will not question me about my past, who will bring me peace and tranquility, who will love me for your (Allah's) sake" better supplication than "Rabbana Hablana Min azwaajina wa zurriyaatina qurrata ayyun waj'alna lil muttaqeena imama" Ameen. Never lose hope in Allah.

    Start working on yourself, surely do not contemplate marriage until you feel you are ready, but who knows you might already be ready. So let your mom look for prospective spouses, while you continue to do Istekhaara, Qiyaam Al Layl, and sadaqa in every possible manner. Indeed Allah is the one who grants tranquility, and he will grant your soul peace, and ease.

    Also, in terms of anxiety, and depression, remember there were times when the Prophet (Peace be on him) was himself saddened, and the best supplication for those times is to seek refuge in Allah from anxiety, sadness, depression, laziness --

    I pray again that Allah grant you peace, love, sukoon, may Allah preserve your Izzah, and conceal your past. May Allah also from his infinite wisdom deal with that guy in a way that Allah knows the best i.e. if it Allah love even an atom of good in him, then May Allah guide him back to truthfulness, and Islam, else Allah save others from his oppression. Never lose hope, suicide is never an option, it is a toy of the devil, and in Allah is only hope and mercy. You have a long life ahead of you In Shaa Allah, with a lot of happiness, and In Shaa Allah also an eternal life in Jannah with nothing but happiness.

    -- One important thing as per Islam you are not supposed to reveal your sins, not to anyone, Allah has concealed them for you, let that curtain that Allah has put be there. Yes, it was indeed rape, so I am not saying you were guilty, but looking at your situation now, I do not think you will be able to get punishment to the guy, and I feel it will do more harm to you, than actually having that guy get the punishment. So, for now, you do not have to reveal the reason. At the same time, you indeed need to have your best friends in your mom and sister, there is no one stopping you from expressing your pain with them without giving them details of anything sinful, your mother is your flesh and blood, by Allah her du'ah will heal you much earlier, so do seek her love and supplications (of course do not ever provide any details).... May Allah Ash Shaafi heal you from your pain.

    • Thank you for the link and advice. I posted here to vent it all out because I am getting out of control now and I cannot take it anymore. I will check the link you have share here thank you for your prayers, sympathy, and advice. I am ashamed of being suicidal but all these voices inside moan inside me and tell me you are guilty you should die. They are asking me to hurt myself because it's the only way to heal the wounds and take the mistakes back.
      Nobody will understand my pain, it may cause more harm than good because they trusted me and loved me unconditionally. My mother told me once I had been a good and loving daughter because I took care of her whenever she fell sick, but she does not know that her daughter is a big sinner. i don't want her or my sisters to cry for me, I don't want to hurt them in anyway. I love them all and I cannot see their tears and pain.
      Thanks for your prayers, I hope they will heal me one day.


    • Dear Brother,
      When I pray and recite, I ask Allah to save the reward of all worship for my parents in the world hereafter, if I was mislead by someone it's not there fault and they should not be held accountable for anything that they didn't do. I recite all 99 names of Allah Subhana every night and sometimes I just stop because I feel dirty and filthy, I did what he had strictly forbidden. Had I not gone off the track it would have been different for me perhaps. Though I pray but I feel contaminated and impure.
      I want my parents to go to paradise, they are not at fault for my wrongdoings. I don't want them to be questionable for it, is there anything I can do in this regard?
      thanks for the prayers.

  7. I am very sorry to hear your sufferings sister .

    Can you just check with some lawyer if you can book him for rape after such a long time(6-7 years) ? It looks impossible but just check it .
    He should not go free after rape .

    • No I cannot do this. It will tarnish reputation and respect of my parents. There is nothing I can except for prayers. It's not just about my, it's all about my family, I have three sisters.


    • Thanks for the advice. I rarely go out and when I do I wear hijab and Abaya before I was a little liberal. I try to offer prayer five times but sometimes I skip due to illness. I am not in relation of any kind anymore, talking to any non mahram is out of question thing because I am scared of all men and I cannot even stand by their side.

  9. Dear
    Im feeling ur pain because im also in pain
    What ever happened was really v cruel
    But believe me our Allah will forgive every sin except shirk
    So go for forgiveness
    Allah alone is sufficient for us
    Stand up for ur ownself
    For ur parents because they would not be able to see u in such condition especially ur mom
    Stand up with great trust in Allah
    When u seek Allahs help no one will put u down
    Show him that u can also live a happy life with another man as he did
    And do never tell ur husband about ur past because it is only Allah who forgives our sin but not humanbeings
    Many girls are born without a hymen
    There ar now surgeries also availabe for this
    Start ur life with five times prayers n Recite Quran daily nobody will let u dowm
    And try to have 4 kids because i m telling u my own experience
    Ur kids will be ur shield n power
    They are one who help u forget ur worries an make husban wifes bond strong
    Prayers f u

    • Thank you Sofia for writing all of this to encourage me. You guys are angels in disguise of human beings because you know how to console someone's heart. May Allah give you reward for helping me, you don't know how much your words mean to me.
      I never read about hymen before thanks for adding to my knowledge. I cannot tell my husband that I am born without it, I am not a good liar, I suppose I will just keep quiet and say nothing if he asks something. I recite Quran weekly but I am learning important suras by heart because I want to make them a part of my daily ritual for peace.
      My prayers be with you.

  10. Subhan Allah, It's sad you went through this situation. It's a test and may Allah reward you with patience and stronger iimaan.

    I would advise you to speak with a counsellor for advice or someone with an Islamic knowledge.You were used and taken advantage of.I think this shouldn't destroy your future or define your personality.You are young and have got all your life ahead. Stay connected with your local Mosque for increasing your Deen and Iimaan.Don't restrict yourself to your bedroom.You are depression and mental health will get worse and finally kill you.

  11. Sister
    In the depths of this sin you found Allah. Your constant consciousness of Allah and regret and remorse of this sin is a sign of imaan. This means sister your saved. He's with you witnessing every pain and suffering from the beginning. He knows your heart.
    Then how can you be so hopeless. Work on your relationship with Allah.
    As for marriage you think it a big deal for Allah to bring a man in your life that will accept you and respect you? He is Allah. He split the sea to save his slaves. He says be and it Is then be in no doubt.
    Is there any reward for good expect good. I feel your pain and insecurity. But remember if Allah has brought you to this he will bring you through it. He is ar-Rahman. Believe in his mercy and mostly forgive yourself. You made a mistake. A mistake you are not blamed for.

    Turn to Allah He will heal you InshAllah

  12. Ass'salam O Alaikum Warahmatullahe Wabarakatohu


    If you don't mind and if admin didn't block my msg i just want to say (i want to marry you) as you are. Not because of sympathy but because of purity in your soul. And i am serious whatever i said above. So stop doing everything bad with you (Medicines, Suicide Attempts etc). Start living. waiting for your response.

    plz admin don't block this msg.

    • I'm sorry, but we do not allow the exchange of private contact information, nor do we allow marriage proposals on our forum.

      Wael Edior

  13. Listen, the best thing in this life ever, is to be honest no matter what because lying causes double trouble. Remember, this life is just a test⚛And whatever was meant to happen to you, Allan wanted it to happen to you. So you should be happy about it, don't ever be sad. What's the point of being sad in this world. ❓So be honest. This life is a test, Allah is testing you if you will be really honest or not. You are part of the Muslim ummah, so you're receiving duas from everywhere. And when you enter Heaven you wouldn't even remember these things. . Smile because it's sunnah Happiness is just like a land you need to be there to read this post of mine. And if you're having trouble finding that land, why make it worse by not being patient ❓That's it.

    • Brother,
      Honestly I am trying my best to make self normal again and it is really hard for me to talk to people, I am always scared and shaky. I will try what you have suggested.
      Thanks for the advice.How do you score honesty here, is it about breaking the trust of others and telling them later you have broken it? I have not gotten your point yet, sorry. It you mean I should be truthful and expressive then I would like to mention that this is not something I am doing from my heart but I have to do it, I have to lie to everyone to protect them from getting hurt. You are right this life is test but sometimes test is too difficult to complete and people often fail for obscure reasons, I am not failing completely as yet but I am not even close to passing it, in other words I am stranded and need some support.
      There always comes a time when you feel you cannot take it more- and I am sorry for disappointing many of for telling that I want to commit suicide, it's just that I am drowning already and I cannot keep my eyes opened, I am trying and trying.
      Thanks for your reply.

  14. it is very sad to hear your story, its a long time torture.
    that is not your fault, he raped you, his intention was bad, you were not mature and at very emotional age.
    please try to move on with your life. and stay away from guys like those who ask for court marriage things this is merely a drama, all they want is body.
    so my dear, try to go out and live your life, you are wasting your life, sorrow will come , its a truth but you are making the best moments in to sorrow try to live in the present.
    be happy he did nt murder you, so many guys murder the girls after raping them.
    he is a bad guy and he will be severely punished insha Allah.
    make friends, do what makes you happy, improve your personality and try to feel life, if you live life like this you can never be able to recover.
    you are punishing yourself through imprisonment. you will find a good guy insha Allah, dont worry about it.

    • You are right, he did not murder me but he had killed me literally by doing what he could have avoided easily. I don't know how serious the act of rape is for you but for me It has become a lifetime despondency and my life is more reliant on Valiums and anti-suicidal drugs. You can never know how does it feel to sleep with a sleepless brain and how does it feel to cry in your dreams. I wish he had murdered me instead I would have been in a better place now.
      Thank you for your kind words. I am sure there is a solution and I am trying to find it.
      May Allah bless you.

  15. assalaamu alaikum my dear sister

    Its been like 3 years the girl who i loved so deeply with all my heart , earnings and whatever i had ..left me and now pregnant with another man posted some happy posts on her fb page.. its been like 6 months i deactivated my fb account but since yesterday something or someone reminded me of her.. leading me to open my fb page and check some status. i am feeling some intense pain since then but again i realized when was the last time i cried during my prayers.. almost 6 months back. since then i got lost in dunia.. After that it was today zuhur prayer i cried so much in sujood. the lesson learned- Allah wants me to keep my mind only with him and close to him. Giving me pricks so that i run towards him. Its true sister that what he did to you is cruelty.. i never broke down for anyones post this much. But you.. you should see the change.. insha Allah. your life will change. i have a sister on yours age..consider me as your brother and i pray to Allah that he sooths your heart. Let us both Forget about him/her being happy with their kids life etc... i have hope that Allah SWT will guide us and gives peace and contentment. i stopped reading ur post after a while since i couldnl not take it anymore.. fake promises, betrayal, abuses i know the pain. Cheer up sister.. we will go through this together. We will be alright soon. Take care.

  16. Life is really cruel i couldn't read anymore because I feel you're pain may Allah help us all.

  17. Assalaamu alaykum,

    I want to make it very clear to you and other commenters here who have referred to the rape you described as a sin on your part- there is no sin upon an innocent victim of violence or oppression.

    This man manipulated you and raped you against your will, and continued to force you into sexual acts a number of time after the first. You begged him to stop the first time, and subsequent times. Sure, after enough times you may have realized that he won't stop even if you ask him, and you resign yourself to what happened. That doesn't mean you wanted it or did it willingly.

    In my view there is nothing here to forgive. You started out with him with the right intentions toward marriage, and he perverted and twisted that into what he wanted it to be. You were innocent and naive and COULD NOT have known that he was going to misuse you like that. There is no accountability on you in this case, as we know Allah only holds those accountable once they know what is right and wrong and CHOOSE what is wrong. You didn't choose this, he forced himself onto you. He is fully accountable for that before Allah and you are not at all.

    Sister, being a victim of such abuses produces trauma. That is something entirely different than depression, though depression may come on its own with it. Trauma won't simply go away on its own, nor is it something you can simply decide for it to stop. You will need professional help to heal from what you've experienced.

    The paths ahead of you look like this: continue to keep this experience to yourself and continue to suffer the pain and suffering of the trauma and depression, or reach out to a professional Doctor or counselor (female) and tell her what happened and that you need help to work through it.

    As far as your future in marriage- a virtuous (and presumably virgin) man won't know "how tight" you're supposed to be. He won't know the difference between how a vagina looks with or without a hymen, because he should've never seen one before to begin with. Let's also keep in mind that hymens don't look the same from woman to woman, anyway. So really no one should know something is different about you by looking at you, if they were living right in the first place.

    Sister what you went through is horrifying and deserves all the empathy, sympathy and shifa that can be sought. I don't like that others are telling you essentially "be grateful it wasn't worse". What happened to you is bad enough, and should be treated as the worst simply because it's the worst thing most women can imagine happening to them, and the worst thing you ever had happen to you. May Allah help you and give you all the shifa you need according to His endless mercy, Amin.

    -Amy Editor

    • Meaning of a hadith:
      The person who does tauba from a sin is similar to the one who has not committed the sin.

      Please do not double Allah's mercy, he has forgiven you after which you started coming near Allah Swt.

    • Walaikum Salam,
      Are you sure about it? I doubt it because I was raped first time but I tried to reconcile at all costs and continue to meet him and met him for 7 times.
      You are right, he manipulated me, I told him that clearly it was causing me a big deal of pain and discomoft but he continued doing it anyway. I am sorry to mention it here but I recited some versus when he would engage himself in sex with me because I had no choice. I am not sure if doing so was all right or not, I did recite in bed, not out of pain but out of fear of Allah.
      I am sorry I cannot forgive myself because I knew he was pushing me into an illegal and unlawful relation I chose to say I had no option because I wanted him to marry me. And he promised he definitely would but he forced me to meet me if I wanted to marry and I submitted to his requests.
      How can I seek professional help? I am taking some medications prescribed by my doctor but he does not know anything about my past and I cannot even tell it. He has asked me numerous times what's bothering me, I cannot tell him because he's also treating my mother. I do not want to reveal anything to anyone. Is there any other way to get help?
      You are right. I was bleeding a lot when he did it first time and from that experience I can tell that we bleed, at least during first intercourse. I doubt I will not bleed again and this bothers me a lot- he may impeach me, accused me of a characterless woman or slander me for having sex before with someone. I don't know much about sexual relationships as yet, I am sorry. I know I need to start over but virginity thing is keeping me off besides I am not mentally stabilized anymore. I doubt myself now, I am vulnerable I may tell him the truth if my husband asks and that would be the end of the story because i would get killed for this mistake.
      Please pray for me and help me through this. I will marry someone for sure but I don't know how to act normally on the first encounter because:
      I cannot face a man anymore, especially in bed. Going intimate again would be an uphill task for me. I am not a good liar, truth falls from my mouth in real case scenario. Lastly I was betrayed so I feel bad doing it myself, with anyone.
      The only thing is not that I have lost virginity, it's also that I cannot hold the truth from someone who deserves to know it in the first place. Please help me, please , please.
      May Allah help all of you and give you good rewards for helping others. Ameen

      • Assalaamu Alaykum,

        Yes, I am sure he raped you. Forced sex is rape, period. Even here in the west- a female can dress provocatively, kiss and do other sexual acts with a man, and if he tries to have sex with her after all that and she say NO, he is supposed to stop or else it's rape. Even now certain states are passing laws that a man must specifically ask for permission to have intercourse- and if he fails to do so or continues to force it after being told 'no', then it is rape.

        Rape is a one time event. Sexual abuse is ongoing sexual misuse of another person. Sexual abuse can be repeated rapes over the course of time. You were not just raped, you were sexually abused. Being manipulated to a point where you feel to defeated or afraid to do anything other than comply is the very hallmark of abuse. This can even become being an active agent in pursuing the incidents (as you said, going out and continuing to meet him etc) And again, abuse victims are not at fault for being victims!

        You don't have to tell your doctor what is going on if you're not comfortable, but he should be able to refer you to someone else to talk to. You can tell him that yes, something is bothering you, but you would rather speak to another person (female). I don't know where you live, and I do realize some parts of the world have very limited resources when it comes to mental health support. But unless you investigate it, you won't know what may or may not be available to you.

        Not all women bleed when they lose their virginity. And those that do, it isn't always the same amount. Profuse bleeding is rare, moderate bleeding more common, and some have such light bleeding it isn't even detectable at all. And sure, there are other times that women can bleed even AFTER losing virginity- without getting too graphic I can just assure you that it is a thing that happens.

        But again, men have been taught a generic idea of what to expect and it brings an unfair stigma on women who don't meet those ideals. Real men who marry for you as a person could care less how much you bleed. They will believe that you are pure because your character indicates that, not your past abuse history, and that will be more than sufficient for them.

        Clearly the trauma is impacting you in a big way, and meds won't be enough to manage that as you're already discovering. Speaking as a mental health professional, the only way for you to feel ready for another relationship or even to enter the sexual realm with someone you would feel secure with is going to require a lot of healing. That's why it's important for you to see what counseling resources are available through your Dr. or other channels.

        -Amy Editor

        • Walaikum Salam,
          Thanks for encouraging me and helping me. I am not alone, I know many women are victims of sexual abuse and I don't know what they do to deal with their situations. You are right, all secondary meetings were followed by primary date, i was raped and I had had no choice rather than bowing to the inevitable. It had to happen in some way because it was started but I tried to stop in my power.
          I cannot even ask my doctor to give me any such favor because I am bound to do what he says and tells me, my mother and I get treatment under safe roof and it's hard to discuss anything with him without having my mother around. Also our appointments are generally on the same date and day because of doc's busy schedule. I cannot get further counselling than what I am getting now, alas it's kind of affecting me in many ways- sometimes I don't feel like taking my drugs because I loss appetite and energy. I tried skipping meds and avoided them for seven days, I began to hallucinate in day and I was seeing blood everywhere on my clothes. I am getting sick and sick, I doubt I will end up in a grave and be dumped six feet under out of melancholy that 's controlling every bit of me. I want to mention that the blood I see seems to be coming from the sheets on which I was raped. I am sorry if i sound weird but this is what I have become now. I want someone to help.
          You are right, not all women bleed during first intercourse but majority of men wants to see bloody sheet as a proof of their bride's Chasity and purity, I have none to put on a show, I might bleed on the inside though for being unfaithful but that would not make any difference. I can never tell what would I be considered by my future husband (if there be any), perhaps I just need to keep myself quiet on the night even if he yells at me.
          Thank you for your help, your answers truly console me. Let me know if there exists any secret channel to reach out to a female doctor. I need a fix without having to go under the knife because surgery is not anything I am seeking as of now.
          My prayers will follow your way.

  18. Dear sister!!

    I am commenting on any post for the first time and its not your past which urged me to write but your present situation and the way you are loosing yourself...its just a little effort to tell u that u are NOT ALONE whom is being tested...
    i am stating my real time situation just to calm your heart a little.....
    My friend got raped by NOT any this or that guy but from HER MAHRAM MATERNAL UNCLE, she was in her mid teens back then and that disgusting Mahram Threatened and Stopped Her by uttering a single word against that and as time moves on and she reached at ur age she was depressed and fearful like anything from marriage cuz now she knew that she isnt a virgin and her husband to be might find out...that is the time when she shared her burden with me... i caress her heart by saying that the hymen thing or experience for every girl isnt same and i convinced her NOT TO REVEAL HER PAST TO YOUR HUSBAND TO BE as it was a TEST from Allah. All praises to Allah that her husband never found out and she was blessed with a baby girl and just after one year Allah took another TEST n she got widow so its a TEST MY DEAR LITTLE SISTER BE PATIENT WITH THIS..... May Allah reward you with PATIENCE and BLESSINGS. Allah curtains your past from your sister with whom you are sharing your room and from your mother who could find out by anyway(only if Allah wanted) so please when Allah wants it to be this way so just be this way and NEVER ANSWER EVEN IF YOUR HUSBAND WOULD SPECIFICALLY ASKS ANY SUCH THING..... cuz its ONLY ALLAH WHO FORGIVES AND FORGETS AND NOT WE THE HUMANS....

    • Salam Sister,
      Thank for your writing comment on this post, your words meant a lot to me. I am trying to be as much patient as I can but sometimes I cannot cope with it and I fail and that's when I feel suicidal due to remorse. Sorry to know about your friend, she might have suffered a lot like me but found peace eventually, it's sad that her test was not over. May Allah make it easy on her and heal all the pains.
      I will try to say nothing to my husband if my mental condition allows it. Right now it's all in doldrums, I am peaceful at this very moment and violet at the next. I was an artist I would erase the entire picture if a small smudge smeared elsewhere on the page, I would do it until I'd get a clean sketch and now my entire book is soaked in blood and I cannot clean even a single splash of it.
      Thanks for your help and support. May Allah bless you.

      • Sister,
        I can imagine the pain you are going through but let me tell you a real incident happened to one of my friends. Like most of the teen age girls she wanted some affection care and love but since their family is little reserved and male dominated she was resorted to some other means.. So while she was doing her final years in her school she met a guy who she thought was deeply caring and loving. Things were going fine until he asked her for a date and took her to an abandoned beach resort. This girl believed him and went along only to encounter another 2 guys in the resort. it was her boyfriend's friends. Like in the cinema after he did what he wanted he signalled his friends to take over.. fortunately she managed to escape.. it took a great toll on her and she went suicidal and psychotic. till now her parents doesnt know this and she got married few years later. now blessed with a beautiful daughter named Rayana. All am trying to say is sis your life will change if you are willing to take this step. dont ever tell your husband what you went through. Try to love him and i pray to Allah that he loves you so much that you wont even have time to think about your past. pls dont tell anyone.pray .. punch a bag.. write and tear.. lock the door and whatever you need to get the stress out if you feel but do not tell anyone sis. charitable deeds can help.. it helped me and still helps. In Sha Allah yu will be loved sister and your husband will treat you like a princess. you have such a pure soul. take care

  19. you never know what tomorrow will bring... it could be good & bad too..

    i can feel that you are so much in pain.. im in pain too... but what can we do? i prayed a lot and did istaghfar a lot in order to make my life better but my life went painful & horrible.. i gave up in my life ! im in alive so i have to live... but no hope... i know that i will never have a happy life... my destiny is too bad. i wish i was never born.

  20. Truly a heart breaking story. Im very sorry for what happened to you. You need to understand that time will heal everything and always remember that Allah is going to forgive you and that even if you made a mistake and were abused. You must put that in the past and move on, but I think you should be honest with you future husband, since if he loves you he will marry you anyways. Im not saying it will be easy but i believe marriage is built on trust and loyalty so dont lie because it will kill you inside for the rest fo your life. Seriously just never give up, thats never the solution.

  21. Hi , I read ur stroy and feel sad and hope u get better, on that note remember if u play with fire u will get burnt meaing who have a role in part of which that has happend,
    now u have 2 choices
    1. Live in misery and regert 4 the rest of ur life
    2. Pick the picese and move on , remember there is no percfect human we all sin some more and some less

    Be the stronger 1 repent , pray , give charity, and put ur full faith in allah the almighty he knows best and punshinis best

    Whats done is done learn from ur mistakes and teach others its not the end of the world and only stupid people commit sucudide who have no place is heaven.




  22. Sister we are bound to make mistakes and commit sins. Allah has mentioned even if there was a generation of people who never sinned he would replace this group of people with those who have sinned but has sought forgiveness in the end and never to go there again. This is because Allah loves those who turned to him in sincere repentance. You may have been naive and ignorant at the time but now you are starting to realise how much wrong you have done. Even if your sins were bigger than the highest mountain he would still forgive you so long you repent sincerely and not to go there again. Commiting suicide is a unforgivable sin to your own Soul. So stay away from the wisper (waswasah) of shaitan and don't kill yourself. The fact that you are seeking forgiveness shaitan does not like this and is always working to win over your Soul that is of course when you commit suicide. So don't go near it sister and be strong. You will find Allah the most merciful and forging. This guy who treated you like this may enjoy this life for a while but question is for how long. He may have hidden it from his family and his wife playing happy families but Allah sees the unseen.

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