Islamic marriage advice and family advice

She changed my life and madhab… Now she’s left and I want her back

lonely man1


I am 20, male, indian, pursuing an engineering degree. I am messed up.

This girl who is also 20, I am in a relationship with her since we were 16. We met in tuition center. We used to meet back then but now we don't. Of course, I truly love her, but we had many fights, break ups, heartbreaks, our mothers fought too and she always left me when this happened.

But after some months she comes back to me and we stay together in love. We never meet. We only chat on this phone messenger. I always wanted to marry her since I was 16. She is very conservative, rather extreme at times regarding religious matters.

Honestly, I used to be an easy going muslim. I always tried to become better. In the ramadan of 2013, she and I had a conversation about way of praying. Now, my family follows the hanafi madhab and I was also following it until she introduced me to the way the Prophet prayed. At first i didnt believe her, but then I researched and I had to believe it that the Prophet's prayer is different. So I finally changed the way I prayed from the hanafi way to the proper Prophet's way (which includes rafa-e-dain and placing one's hand on the chest instead of belly). It was a tough time but she was always on my side which made me love her even more.

So now I pray differently from what my parents taught me. My mother knows it and she even asked me if I have became an ahl-al-hadith. It hurted me badly. I couldnt say anything. But I only find khushoo in prayer when I pray like our Prophet(pbuh).

Now because of this difference my girlfriend saw in my family, she always fought with me and always wanted to go away although we loved so much. She said we are different - our families are different and everything. Just 2 days before Ramadan 2014 my girlfriend left me because of fights and these family differences. I cant imagine my life without getting married to her. But she is so egoistic she won't come back.

She influenced my life so much and now she is gone. I keep praying to Allah to marry me to her. Please give me advice about these two things -

1. How should I tackle my family when they mock me that I have changed my way of praying because of the girl? While in reality I researched it and my heart only loves praying the way our Prophet prayed. They will never understand even if I show them the proper way in the hadith books.

2. And what should I do about my girlfriend? I can't forget her. She comes into my dreams everynight. I truly love her but she just wants to get rid of me forever. I keep waitimg for her message, I try to stalk her when she goes somewhere but she ignores me and doesn't care about my distress at all. I fear that she will get married in a year and I wont' be ready to marry in another 5 years because of my career field . It breaks my heart, tears fall from my eyes when i think about her marrying someone else. I pray to Allah to marry me to her at the right time.


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6 Responses »

  1. The Nabi (SAAW) apparently prayed in different ways at different times. Sometimes he crossed his hands over his arms, sometimes he left his arms hanging down at his side. There are different hadith supporting all of the commonly practiced positions.

    The Sunnah isn't a simple matter of externals, it is an internal thing in one's heart. I would suggest that we know many things were lost over time, as during the Mongol Conquest, and that we are safest following any of the four madhabs.

    No one group or another can claim that they pray "as the Prophet (SAAW) did" and insist that there is only one correct position because THEY WEREN'T THERE. The question becomes, do we follow those who know the companions or the early followers and had access to knowledge that is lost, or do we listen to people who came a millennium or more later.

    Some believe that the position of the hands or feet are the most important matters in the Sunnah, or the amount of the woman that is covered, but Iman and Ihsan (faith and improvement of the character) should never be neglected for a focus on externals.

  2. there is no sect in Islam. she is controlling you and she will control you even after marriage. let her go

  3. Assalam alaikum Brother,

    "How should I tackle my family when they mock me that I have changed my way of praying because of the girl? While in reality I researched it and my heart only loves praying the way our Prophet prayed. They will never understand even if I show them the proper way in the hadith books."

    The answer for your first question should answer your 2nd.

    If you truly love the way of the Prophet and find peace in that, then know that having a girlfriend is not the way of the Deen. Also, if she is gone, you must learn to deal with this loss. How did the Prophet pbuh deal with any kind of loss?

    You will never be able to convince your family about how you have changed your ways if you can't convince yourself. Do not pick what you choose to like in Islam and disregard what doesn't suit you.

    Anonymouse has already mentioned how the Prophet prayed, and you should continue your research to improve yourself and find peace in your life again. May Allah ease your pain, Ameen.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    If you are interested in learning more about your faith, why not see if your mosque has any study classes or courses you could take? That way you can learn more about Islam without your judgement maybe being influenced by being romantically interested in the person telling you. It's important for us all to try the best we can to be better Muslims - but when you make changes, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

    Regarding the girl you like, if she has ended contact with you, I'd advise that you let her go. She has made her wishes clear, and doing things like stalking her or persistently trying to contact her will only make things worse. At best, you're prolonging your own pain and delaying being able to move on. At worst, if she feels threatened by this, you could end up with a criminal record - stalking is a criminal offence in some countries.

    At the moment, yes, it hurts. And it will hurt for a while. But, stop contact with her, keep yourself busy with studies and practising Islam, and pray for help, and inshaAllah you will find that you think about her less and that it hurts less when you do. We tend not to forget people who have been important to us, but we can get to a place where we can remember the happy memories and not have the heartache.

    Make sure you repent for the transgressions that occurred between you and this girl. In future, if you think you want to have a relationship with someone, make sure you go about it in a halal way. Remember that boyfriend-girlfriend relationships aren't allowed in Islam.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. Dude, honestly its just coz uve been told that Prophet peace be upon him prayed in only one way that you feel good to pray like Ahlul Hadith and Hanafi mazhab is wrong and baseless of Ahadees, Imam Abu Hanifa Rahimahullah performed 55 Hajj and saw sahahah praying.....any one Hadith is different and last sunnah is different....
    Anyways if she would truely love you the same way she wont go.... there are more things larger than life ....cheer up!

  6. You are 20 years old. Your life will change a lot in the next few years. You will meet different people and have different experiences. This childhood experience will be a distant memory soon. You will realize that once it stops hurting.

    Try to focus on your education and forget about this girl. No amount of dua will get her back - she has made her decision.

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