Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m being unfair on my new proposal as I think about my ex a lot

Fork in the road

Choosing which path to take

Dear friends

My ex of 12 years was unfaithful to me at the beginning of our relationship, he was also very loud in his mannerisms ie he shouted a lot and got very agitated. His family wanted him to have an arranged marriage and he had a lot of family issues responsibilities which affected him psychologically/ mentally.

For the first 4-5 years he was ungrateful of my love and then one day I decided to leave. He stayed away for a while full of regret. we got back together after a while by this time we both had performed hajj and were practicing Muslims. He proposed to me and as I wasn't unsure I said that I would think about it.

After a whole year I found myself still thinking about it. his affair was over 10 years ago and since then he has stayed faithful. however he still seems to throw outbursts ie talking really loud for no reason and I couldn't handle this. I spoke about this with him and he promised to change this habit but every now and again it would happen again and made me feel like I wanted to cry.

One may wonder why I love him so much ( I love him so so much and vice versa to the point he attempted suicide when I left him the first ) He's caring,kind , open hearted, he has increased his knowledge in Islam he's very intelligent and funny. He's an "all rounder" what every woman would want in a husband. He's very hard working and humble. he "gives" slot and has taken many young people out of trouble etc and has helped families.

The problem is I couldn't make my mind up whether to marry him or not so I decided to agree to a proposal elsewhere!! I panicked about my age - I'm 35 now and the proposal is from a man who has asked my hand in marriage several times. he is a practicing Muslim, honest kind and very generous. he loves me very much and has already paid my dowry to my family. I have spent the last year with him and now it is official that we are to marry. I know he is good for me as a husband and my love for him has grown however I have bouts of depression whereby I think of my ex. i ask myself whether I'm just being stubborn with my ex? I still in love with him and love him dearly. I can't bear the thought of any harm coming to him. But I keep questioning myself then why don't I marry him instead of marrying someone I don't love. I miss him so much to the point sometimes I can't breathe. The marriage with my new proposal is being arranged. I´m  so confused. I think I'm being unfair on my new proposal as I think about my ex a lot. I have prayed and prayed ithikhara and I'm still confused.


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalmu Alaikum Warhamthallhi Wrbkathuhu,

    My dear sister, Imagine if you were to marry a brother, who had an ex who he was in love with and still he's in love with her but yet he's marrying you, how would you feel? Would you feel happy in starting a relationship with him? How would you feel knowing that he doesnt love you? Marriage is done for the sake of Allah(swt) so dont play with other people's lifes. If you still love your ex, then put your trust in Allah(swt) to help you and go for it.

    But remember Sister, we marry for 4 reasons of which piety is the most important. Choose a brother who will bring you closer to Allah(swt). You marry to please Allah(swt), so choose wisely.

  2. Dear Sister

    It seems to me that you are putting yourself in harms way by marrying a man and thinking of another. When one leaves a long term partner they need 'time out'. It seems you have not had that. You finished with your ex but went into a relationship with another man which has naturally led to a marriage proposal.
    Your ex sounds like a good man from what you have told us, then I don't understand why you doubt him now- the only thumbs down you gave is that 'he is loud'. Is that truely a reason to not marry someone if you love everything else about them. Maybe its life in general and all that might have happened in it that has made him into this person. Maybe with a loving wife and comfort this is something he could overcome.

    If your ex has changed then why is not possible for you to take the ten year haram relationship you had with him to a halal conclusion, i.e why can you not marry him, esp if he is practicing and increasing his knowledge in Islam. Why is he suddenly not worth marry when before he changed you were with him? Does he not deserve a second chance after this change? I'm asking you all these questions sister because i want you to think about them and try and answer them in your heart.

    My adivce to you would be that you need to put on hold your marriage arrangements and re-focus on yourself. You need to spend time alone- maybe go way for a while and think things through properly without family pressure surrounding you.
    Your marriage needs to be a life long commitment and it will be put in jepordy if you are not 100% sure about it.
    The man you are engaged to sounds like a good human being, don't you think he deserves a honest wife? If not for yourself or your ex, then please re-think your decision for the sake of this good man.

    Pray a lot to Allah to guide you to a resolution, but always be aware sister that you are being tested and only Allah can truely help you.

    I pray that Allah makes it easy for you

  3. Sarah,

    I don't for the life of me understand why you would spend a year getting to know another man when your heart lies with another. You know what the right thing to do here is...end things now. Allow this man to find a woman who will give him what you cannot...her heart.


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