Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Want to marry now but parents want me to finish degree first


they want me to wait till I have finished studies



I´m a seventeen year old girl who is about to finish school this year and enter the 'real' world as they call it. Before I start my moment of truth, I want everyone to know that I have inside an urge to live my life in the most halal and pleasing way for Allah as possible. That being said, I have errored so many times as do all of us and it's never something I can blame human nature on. I've been with a brother for three years now who I love and can't let go.

As a person he is so well mannered, honest and the most dedicated person I've known. Were really interested in a future together but we feel like our 'relationship' is holding us back from a blessed marriage because as we all know a marriage that had started off from dating isn't khayr or blessed. Aside from that we absolutely hate the haram were committing, talking behind our parents back disobeying Allah's command, were sick of it. Alongside to all of this we want to get married at a young age because that's what the prophet encouraged but our parents want us to finish our college degrees (which is going to take about 3,4 or 5 years), as much as we want to be righteous people our parents are holding us back subhanAllah, shouldn't they be supporting our decisions listening to our pleas?

There is no way we can approach our parents or anyone else with this because it's considered such a shameful thing, we didn't plan to meet eachother fall in love and have a dilemma to winge about it was unplanned and it happened. For the time being, we have decided to stop talking and put our relationship on hold until the time is right and he agreed to approach his parents and they will decide to speak to mine, it seems like the most wise decision for the time being, but what could we do so I don't have to tell my parents I was seeing this person all these years?

JazakAllahkhayr for your advice and I apologize for the length.



Answer given by María M:

As salamu alaykum,

First of all, to date as you already know is haram, then now the right approach is to repent from Heart, stop dating and wait until his parents come to visit your parents for marriage. You have a link on tawbah on top of the page.

There is a post where to wait or not is the question stablished, you can have your own opinion about it,

My personal opinion about your situation is that putting myself in your parents shoes, they will have to support you and your husband, because until you finish your studies, you won´t be able to do it, at least properly, I suppose, then I understand you want to marry but in which conditions, may I ask? who is going to make all the economic expenses of your married life?

All my Unconditional Respect,

María Editor

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2 Responses »

  1. If you said you want to marry a guy whom your family suggested and you go for, I would have said yes go for it. If you said you want your parents to find you a good man, then I would have said yes go for it.

    But what you've said is you want to marry someone of your own choice, whom you met in the wrong way, this is something which is wrong very wrong. Education is important, but marriage is more important as it keeps you from sinning (if everything is done in the right way.)

  2. Assalamu alaykum Sister Questioner,

    Keep the brother as a brother, not a lover. This is what is required of us. And this brother is not like your own brother, but an Islamic brother to whom contact should be with a distance and within the limits of Allah.

    Transgression brings loss, unless Allah accepts repentance turns in to mercy towards one who transgressed His limits.

    He is Allah. The Creator of heavens and earth and all that is between them. We have to respect Him, His laws and His commands.

    I advise you to read the Qur'an with meanings and try to understand it. You are seventeen, Insha Allah if you begin reading now with meanings and seriousness with regularity, by the time you finish your studies you would be well acquainted with the Book of Allah.

    Insha Allah, it will give you all instructions.

    There is no need to be struck in a relationship. Either talk to your family and get married, there is no shame at all, believe me, it is just a "phobia" within us. But still, different cultures have different outlook towards the issue and if you feel like keeping quite you may not talk about it.

    Let yourself grow up, study and see what Allah brings your way. If he is the guy of you, Insha Allah he and his family will ask for your hand through the proper channel in Islamic ways.

    Trust Allah. Stop this "bf/gf" stuff for now, as you did write in your post that you both do not like it. Masha Allah, we see young people with wisdom and understanding of things better than others much elder to them. So keep it up. Stop this relation with Full Stop.

    Pray to Allah and let Him bring the person He has chosen for you to enter in your life at its appointed time.

    Your brother.

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