Don’t want to divorce my Muslim Husband but he degrades me
I am a Christian female married to a Muslim man. We dated 1 month and had serious conversations about marriage and we read the Quran and dicsused marriage in detail.
I asked him if he was sure he wanted to marry a non Muslim female and he kept telling me yes, he loves and wants me; but since we got married he insults and degrades me, calls me stupid constantly. He avoids me for days. He says women are emotional and irrational. And me loving him is my stupid fault. Calls me names and is not caring and tender during intimacy. He tells me when we fight if I would just do what he says then he would not be angry. He says things HAVE TO BE his way all the time. He blames everything on me and gets defensive when I ask him questions.
I was rubbing his hair one night and could see he was troubled, which is every day now, and he snapped at me and told me "Get off of his back". He last Saturday after a stupid fight, divorced me..saying he is no longer my husband. Told me I was stupid didn't I understand what he said. No wife she could cause him stress.
He kicked me out the week before and then a few days later came back apologizing me begging me to forgive him. He said he was sorry for pushing me away. Sorry for taking his stress out on me. Now 3 days later he has divorced me.
He says we are not compatible because I don't do it HIS WAY all the time. Everything is my fault again. Things would be easy if I would just do what he wants. He told me no one cares for him except for Allah; but I care and love my husband so much.
So for 5 days I left him alone. I couldnt take it anymore and came back to talk to him. He was nasty telling me am I stupid we are divorced and in 3 months it is done. he doesnt think Ill change to do whatever he says. He is considered about his well being only.
I love Allah and I don't believe I am suppose to be treated like this. I've read the Quran and read it in secret to to understand more. I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want a divorce and I even begged him not to let me go.... I'd do whatever he asked. He tells me he has no patience at all and I never do whatever he tells me, even if he tells me to SHUT UP. He does that alot.
When we first did our contract all I asked for my Dowry was a ring and a marriage ceremony so my non-Muslim family could attend in 1 year. Our marriage was just us and in at a local mall. He is an acting Imam; but was this legal? When I asked him about my ring, he said he needed time; but I feel he did not seriously marry me and had no intentions of being with me for long.
I feel like he lied to me and he hurts me intentionally. I don't understand, I have the biggest heart and he would tell me almost everyday how sweet I am. And then later start the abusive words and acts. There is a whole lot more but very embarassed to talk about. I feel hopeless and helpless. Please HELP!!
- k.
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Hasn't this already been posted?
Yes it has, but I moved it back to the top spot because it has not received an answer yet.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have posted my question up aswell but still no answer :((( i dont even know if its even been published it says pending next to it...im confused..please heelp.
melisafrljak, Was your question posted under this same username and email? Because I don't see it. When did you submit it? We are currently working on questions that were published on August 15 or so, and there are 110 questions in the queue waiting to be published.
Try searching the website to see if a question similar to yours has already been answered. Most likely you will find something. In the meantime please be patient and your question will be published in turn Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Seleyan,
I cannot find anything in your post where you say anything good about this 'husband' of yours.
Firstly, your nikah takes palce in starbucks with him acting as Imam?? I'm sure someone will correct me if i am wrong, but logically that doesn't even sound right. How can one conduct his own wedding? As far as I know, there also has to be at least 2 male witnesses. Marriage is not done in secret, it is a public event so people know that you are actually a couple. I don't really understand what he has to gain by having a bogus marriage, unless you made it clear no intimacy before marriage. Thus he just did this to get his way with you.
His treatment of you clearly shows he has no respect at all for women, he is psychologically abusing you and making you feel worthless and at fault for everything. The reality is, he is a nasty and deceptive user who will probably never change. As for his sweet talk, this has no substance, since he can't demonstrate his feelings by any kind actions.
I would suggest you get out of this relationship altogether. You can go to a Mosque and ask or call to consult a REAL Imam and confirm whether you were actually married, but I doubt it.
You say you dated for a month. But you hardly knew anything about the guy or his background. Marriage should never be rushed or done in secret- that should have had the alarm bells ringing.
Get away from this horrible man. I am angry that this disgrace and many like him (and some females too of course) have given Muslims such bad press. I am glad to hear you say that you love Allah and no, you are not supposed to be treated like this. I'm sorry but he manipulated and used you for his own evil gains.
Regards
Hopeful sister
Salaam!!
I recently converted and I am a Muslim female.
The abuse has continued and worstened. My husband has threatened me and said it was his God given right to punch my in my face. I am emotionally battered and self-esteem is lost. On top of the abuse my husband gave me an STD. He says he got from his ex-wife. He has lied about watching porn on one occasion and has threatened me to staty out of his way and if I confront him again he will choke me.
Ive made the decision to secretly leave him; but my heart is so broken and still in love with him. If I leave there is no going back and he will hate me for leaving but what do I do.
He tells me I'm trash and he owes me nothing
Advice?
He says he expects his wife to shut her mouth and do everything he says and never ever say anything to keep my emotional garbage to myself.
When he is nice, I am just awaiting the abuse to start and shortly it does and he resorts to going days almost a week with avoiding me and sleeping in the other room. Telling me to stay out his way and the only room I have is the bedroom and I just lay and he comes and insults me telling me Can I be anymore useless; which is what he is telling me on a regular with alot of cussing at me. He tells me he doesnt want to abuse me, it's my faullt I cause it...his yelling, his anger, his temper and if I would shut my mouth and learn the time and place and so I respond when is that and he says he will let me know.
I have no one to talk to here that is Muslim. My family is not. Is there anyone I can talk to. I am leaving him in secret tomorrow and extremely depressed. I know I will want to run back; but by me leaving will destroy that but staying will destroy me.
Please help!!!
Sister, your question has been answered. Have you read the answers that have been given here?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam!!
I have read everything; but what do I do..he gave me an STD. Serious question..would you want a woman who has an STD? What muslim man will want me now?
My husband has no regard for what he has given me..he tells me he owes me nothing.
Assalamu,alaikum,
Based on what you told us in your post, your marriage is not valid. Leave him as soon as possible.
Ask yourself, how can you be in love with a man who treats you so poorly and with such disrespect? You need to think about the situation that you are in and ask, is it healthy? The answer is no.
For your mental and physical well being, get out right now.
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As salaamu alaikum sisters,
I am responding to several postings on here.
First a marraige must take place in front of two muslim male witnesses and be offficiated by someone qualified to proform the wedding There is the signing of the Nikkah (marraige contract) and the giving of Dowery (wedding gift from the husband to the wife) Then consammation of the wedding then the waleemah (wedding party public announcement).
You should of visited a Masjid preferablly salafi since there are many creeds of muslim apx. 73 or so of them and not all of them follow the Qu'ran and Sunnah the same. You needed to have a Wahli (protector) who would of informed u of what to expect and gave u time to learn Islam.
In Islam man has many rights over the woman because he spends from his wealth to mantain the woman. One of his major rights is to sex anytime anywhere and then keeping you in the home Allaah S.W.T. said the best place for a woman is in her home so b4 u can leave u must seek permission and b4 u can let anyone in ur home u must have his permission. A man has the right to know who your friends are and to demand u not talk to certain pple Allaah commanded the woman to obey her husband in everything unless he asking u to disobey something that he has made unlawful then u dont haft to obey. Your husband is responsible for you he will be asked about u and his family and what he taught you on the day of judgement.
Wemon have simular rights over there husbands and are right is to be treated in kindness and releaced in kindness to be maintained (the man is responsable for your housing, cloathes, and food) and if he dont provide these things for you or make a good effort (unless u stated he didnt haft to take care of you and released him of this responibilty) this is a good cause to get a divorce but you should try to work it out bcuz divorce is most disliked by Allaah and we have the right to visit the masjid to pray and seek knowledge.
Now these are just some basic rights and there are many more I suggest all of you get online and start finding as much informaiton as you can so you can lift the yoke of iggnorance off of your necks it is every muslims own responsibility to seek information as Allaah has commanded you to do this make sure you are checking out repitable sights and compare them with each other bcuz there is alot of false information out there I recommend Salafi websites because the Salafi follow the Qu'ran and the Sunnah (The Prophet S.A.W.S.) You also need to get ahold of your local masjid either Sunni or Salafi preferably and speak to the Imman if your single if not then you need to ask ur husband what masjid he go's to ask him to speak to the Imman or his wife so that they can help you understand the religion that u are now a part of tell him your interested in learning the religion so you can be a good wife to him this should make things easier for you
For any wemon reading this thinking about marrying muslim men when they know little to nothing about Islam I suggest you go to a local masjid A.S.A.P and learn about the religion first Muslim men have many rights that your not gonna understand if ur not educated and there are some deviated men who love uneducated wemon bcuz they can tell u anything and abuse you. These men love American wemon exp. new converts bcuz u dont know your rights over him ask for lil to no Dowery (gift given to wife by husband) and are easy to minipulate.
I hope I was able to awnser alot of the questions here if you have more than post them and I will awnser if I am able.
May Allaah guide us all to correct knowledge and protect us from evil and the pple who commit evil Ameen
Assalamu'alaikum Seleyan,
I agree with Hopeful. First off, how can any Muslim man have the nerve to tell you that we are getting married in Starbucks???? As Hopeful stated, you must have witnesses and he can't act as the groom and Imam. You should have walked out the door as soon as he began his so called ceremony. I don't think your marriage is valid at all.
His treatment of you shows absolute disrespect. No one should be treated like this. He is abusing you. I didn't read where there was physical abuse but there is definite mental abuse. Usually when there is mental abuse physical abuse is not too far behind.
Since there are no children involved yet, I would suggest that you get out of this situation as soon as possible. There is no need to stay with him. This man is a fraud. Don't waste your time.
You did mention that you were reading the Quran. I hope that you continue. Don't stop because of the actions of this man. Do your research and I guarantee that a whole new world will open up for you. People like this man that you spoke of are the type who give the wrong impression of Islam. I converted to Islam many years ago and it's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I pray that Allah(SWT) will guide you to Islam.
Peace!!!!
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
In Islam, we cannot judge what is there in someone's heart, but we can at least get some idea of a person from his or her actions. From your description, it seemed to me that the man married you only to fulfill his lust and desire. Because (some of these points are already mentioned above):
01. If he was truly religious, he would have followed the proper protocol of Islamic marriage. After being acquainted with you, he should have approached your guardian to get your hand, which he did not do.
02. He himself cannot conduct the marriage ceremony.
03. Marriage should be made public.
04. You have the right to get your dowry from him, which he denied.
03. In Islam, marriage is not a play, it is a serious matter. One should marry with the intention to start a family, not just to fulfill his desires. In his final sermon to his nation, the Messenger of Allah said:
O people! Fear Allah concerning women. Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah and have made their persons lawful unto you by words of Allah! Verily you have got certain rights over your women and your women have certain rights over you. It is rights and, not to commit acts of impropriety which, if they do, you have authority to chastise them, yet not severely. If your wives refrain from impropriety and are faithful to you, clothe and feed them suitably.
Behold! Lay injunctions upon women but kindly.
Seems your current husband is ignorant of this warning of the Messenger of Allah.
I am not sure how you would get out this mess. You can give it a last try. Have direct communication with him, starting from finding out his proper intentions for marrying you. Is it building a family or just fulfilling his lusts? You may love him, but you have to be mentally strong here. If you find out that his intentions are wrong and evil, or if he does not have a proper, clear cut plan of raising a good family, leave him. If his intentions are good, the first step would be doing a proper nikah ceremony and making your marriage public.
Since you have come to this Islamic advice, I am now going to give you a piece of advice that you can consider the best advice your will ever receive. That is Call to Islam. Believe me, I make this call only because I sincerely, genuinely want to save a fellow human being from a life of eternal regret. I genuinely feel restless inside when I see that someone who has read the Quran and yet haven't taken shahadah. The reason for this restless is we do not know when we will meet the angel of death. Believe me, I do not want to gain anything from you or gain any worldly prize, I truly want to convey the message of the prophet and I wholeheartedly pray that you would accept it. Nothing is more important than taking Shahada in life. So, please read the invitation letter below and take the shahada immediately:
____________________________________________________________________
In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
From Stranger (out of his responsibility as a Muslim to convey the Truth to others and his genuine concern to save two fellow human beings from a life of eternal regret) to Ms. Seleyan.
"Closer to people draws their reckoning, yet they continue to blithely turn away. Whenever there comes to them any new reminder from their Lord, they listen to it, but take it in jest; their hearts set on (worldly) pleasure." [The Noble Quran 21:1-2]
Peace be upon those who follow true guidance and believe in Allah and His messengers. I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and all His messengers, from Adam till Muhammad (May Allah’s peace be upon them), were His slaves and Muhammad (May Allah’s peace be upon him) is His final messenger to humankind.
Allah has no associate. He is the Sovereign, the Holy, the Source of Peace, the Giver of Peace, the Guardian of Faith, and the Preserver of Safety. He has taken neither a wife nor a son and I bear witness that Jesus (May Allah’s peace be upon him), the son of Mary, a messenger, is the spirit of Allah and His Word which He cast into Mary, the virgin, the good, the pure, so that she conceived Jesus (May Allah’s peace be upon him). Allah created him from His spirit and His breathing as He created Adam (May Allah’s peace be upon him) by His Hand. Allah said in the Quran in detail:
And [for] their saying, "Indeed, we have killed the Messiah, Jesus, the son of Mary, the messenger of Allah ." And they did not kill him, nor did they crucify him; but [another] was made to resemble him to them. And indeed, those who differ over it are in doubt about it. They have no knowledge of it except the following of assumption. And they did not kill him, for certain. Rather, Allah raised him to Himself. And ever is Allah Exalted in Might and Wise. And there is none from the People of the Scripture but that he will surely believe in Jesus before his death. And on the Day of Resurrection he (Jesus) will be against them a witness. [The Noble Quran 4: 157-159]
And do not say, "Three"; desist - it is better for you. Indeed, Allah is but one God. Exalted is He above having a son. To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. And sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs. [The Noble Quran 4: 171]
Having said so, I call you to Allah alone with no associate and to His obedience and to accept Islam, the complete code of life and the ultimate submission to the will of the Creator, that was revealed to Adam, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Lot, Ishmael, Jacob, Joseph, Job, Jethro, Moses, Aaron, David, Solomon, Elijah, Elisha, Jonah, Ezekiel, Zechariah, John, Jesus and was finally perfected and completed through Prophet Muhammad, the seal of all messengers (May Allah’s peace be upon all of them). Allah have sent messengers to humankind from time to time in infuse fear of Allah in every living person and convey His message, so that the charge may be proved against those who reject the Truth in the Day of Judgment. Allah said:
“And be conscious of the Day on which you shall be brought back unto God, whereupon every human being shall be repaid in full for what he has earned, and none shall be wronged”. [The Noble Quran 2:281]
Whoever accepts Islam and the admonition of Allah, does it for his or her own good. If you embrace Islam, you will find safety and security (both in this world and the hereafter), and Allah, the Sublime, shall reward you doubly (both in this world and the hereafter). But if you refuse to do so, you will have to bear the burden of the transgression.
If you accept this invitation, forward this message to your family members, relatives, and friends. If you reject this invitation, I ask Allah to be witness that I have conveyed the message to you, and I recite to you the following verse from the Holy Quran:
"Say: ‘O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians), come to a word that is just between us and you, that we worship none but Allah, and that we associate no partners with Him, and that none of us shall take others as lords besides Allah.’ Then, if they turn away, say: ‘Bear witness that we are Muslims (the people who submitted to the will of the Creator).’”[The Noble Qur'an 3:64]
***
01. I have started a project of calling people to Islam through internet. Whenever I come to know a Christian, I invite him or her to the Truth. I do this because, as I said above, I genuinely and sincerely want to save a fellow human beings from eternal damnation. Thus consider this call as the greatest invitation you have ever received, because accepting it would spare you from an eternal regret. That said, you have the free will to either accept or discard. Allah said:
“Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from Error: whoever rejects evil and believes in Allah hath grasped the most trust worthy hand-hold, which never breaks. And Allah heareth and knoweth all things.” [The Noble Qur'an 2:256].
I can only convey the message. I cannot change the heart of people and I will not attempt that either. I leave that in the hand of Allah. He said:
“Verily! You guide not whom you like.” [The Noble Qur’an 28:56]
Allah however guides those who are humble and sincere in their approach to find the truth. He said:
"Those who behave arrogantly on the earth in defiance of right - them will I turn away from My signs: Even if they see all the signs, they will not believe in them; and if they see the way of right conduct, they will not adopt it as the way; but if they see the way of error, that is the way they will adopt. For they have rejected Our signs, and failed to take warning from them. Those who reject Our signs and the meeting in the Hereafter, vain are their deeds: Can they expect to be rewarded except as they have wrought?" [The Noble Qur'an 7:146-147]
Aside from ego, what prevents us from accepting the true guidance are perpetual skepticism (fueled by media) and ingrained love for this world. Leaving these three things aside, judge the religion of Islam and you will find no other way but to submit to the will of Allah.
02. The majority of the sentences used in this letter were taken exactly from the eight letters the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) sent to eight mighty kings of his time. I could have framed a letter myself, but retreated thinking no Muslim can write a letter of Invitation to Truth that would be more effective than that of the Prophet in terms of conviction.
03. Continue reading quran from here: http://quran.com
Salaam my sister,
I am sorry that you have had to experience this level of abuse - to such an extent that you now cannot imagine a future. Whatever you have caught from your husband can be treated, and in time: it will not be there any more. I know it is difficult for you to believe that there are men in the world who are good, and who will accept you as you are: but there are good men in this world my sister, men who are more understanding and kind than you could ever imagine. They exist. They are out there. This is not the end for you.
When we are treated badly for such an intense amount of time, and when our bodies have been used and abused and infected and when we have been degraded - the psychological impact of this is that we feel worthless, weak and without value. What you are feeling right now is the psychological affects of the abuse that you have experienced.
Just to demonstrate the point: when soldiers are coming back from war, it is widely advised that you don't throw a loud party for them. Why? Because the sudden noises,bangs and sounds can trigger psychological reactions that have been conditioned through their war experience.
When a a person is abused, their brain begins to find ways to survive and manage their situation. The only way you could have survived your husband's treatment of you and the only way you could have continued to love him was to learn that you are worthless and you deserve it. This is something that HE HAS TAUGHT YOU and not something that is true. You have been brainwashed into believing that you have nothing to offer and that no man will ever want you. THIS IS NOT TRUE.
Now that you are on the brink of leaving, you are feeling that psychological damage and you are telling yourself that there is no future for you. What I need you to believe is that there is a future for you, and that you can find love and you can find happiness and you will be OK without him, and you can go on. When you feel these negative feelings, I want you to label them in your mind, and say: "OK, I am thinking this now because he has tried to brainwash me - but I know I will get over this and I know that I will be happy". Continue to coach yourself in this way, and re-programme your mind so that YOU are in control of your thoughts and not this man.
The battle to walk out has been won - you are leaving, MashaAllah, and you have made absolutely the best decision of your life. Now, its time to have the war: which is the almighty psychological fight you must must win to get over this. You must find determination within yourself and you must connect yourself with the power inside of you, the fighter inside of you that states determinedly: "I WILL CONQUER ALL CHALLENGES, I WILL FIND HAPPINESS, I AM STRONG, I AM CONFIDENT" and you must repeat this like a mantra to yourself at each moment of difficulty and support yourself through the transition and harness your own strength which has been lying dormant inside of you for all of this time.
Get determined. Get strong. Get powerful and BELIEVE. Keep your faith, and know that Allah is with you, supporting you, keeping you strong and listening to your prayers.
Keep your head up - success and happiness is just around the corner. Just believe in it, and it will come.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor,Islamic Answer
Will you please delete this post? I don't want him to find it please?
Shukran
We do not delete questions once they've been posted and answered. It seems to me that your post does not give any identifying details. We have many posts by women who have been abused by husband or boyfriends. So I don't think anyone could identify you based on this post.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam-Alaikum Brother Wael,
Given recent requests on the forum concerning privacy of users, I remember there was another person who asked for removing his/her post. Will it be possible to put a guideline for question posters to tell them explicitly to avoid their details which can uniquely identify them and also reminding them that 'Google' is out there.
regards,
Good idea. I will add that Insha'Allah.
Bismilahirahmanirahim
Assalamwalikum warahmatullah wabarakatahu,
To the sister, whom I realise is Christian but as you love Allah azzawajal you are my sister too and indeed all true 'people of the book' are believers...I am so sorry you have suffered in this way, may Allah Azzawajal make it easy for you to overcome this. I think my guess would be that he wanted to be with you intimately and feared Allah a bit...but he didn't want to marry you properly so he tried to absolve his own guilt by 'marrying' you the way he did - probably hoping that Allah would accept it from him. Afterwards, when he was angry and psychotic I am guessing he felt very guilty and worried - you say he said he was 'stressed' - im guessing about the realisation that he had committed fornication (a big sin in Islam) as he knew deep down it wasn't a valid marriage.
He probably took his own fear of Allah and anger out on you because you're the one who attracted him and you're the object of his desires which he thinks led him to this point. All of this is a guess, it could just be that he's a psycho and he does sound awful astagfirullah and I wouldnt recommend you stay with him regardless of his reasons - none of them justify what he did so please dont hurt yourself more by going back to him. I could be completely wrong in my guess anyway but the point is even if that were the case, he knew that Muslim men can marry Christian women (practising Christians) so if he genuinely wanted to be married to you, even if he feared backlash from family, community ect for marrying a non-muslim, then he knew by Allah that he could marry you as its permitted in Islam (but often culturally not accepted).
Therefore he deliberately did not take you in marriage correctly, he then abused you. If I were you I would thank Allah that through this nasty man you learned who Allah is - and have drawn closer to Allah inshallah (God willing). My advice is to look further into Islam - Allah brings us to the straight path in strange ways sometimes - and forget about this horrible man and move on with your life. No soul is burdened with more than it can bear so move on, take the above posts of advice as closure and Allah-willing you will be happy.
By the way - not sur eif this was the same sister who said this or another?- i am sure there are support groups not only for women with STDs but also Muslimah-sppecific support groups as you will not be the only one with the problem, may Allah azzawajal cure you.
May Allah azzawajal have mercy on us all and everything correct in my post is from Allah azzawajal and anything incorrect is from my own mistakes, astagfirullah. Ameen
Muslimah1, I have done as you suggested, and also removed your reference to it, since that might also give it away. Jazaki Allah khayr for pointing it out.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
oh i just re-read and realised the same sister converted. MASHALLAH. Aw sis then my words are even more relevant - we are brought to Islam is the strangest of ways mashallah and you have converted and Im very happy for you. Please leave him, he punches and hits you? There is NO justification, NO excuse. You MUST leave and protect yourself. Allah azzawajal knew you would log on here and seek advice - please sister he is a psycho and as a muslimah you need to understand that your marriage is unlikely to be valid so you are now committing sin too.
Dont be afraid of no man wanting you - inshallah Allah azzawajal will give you a great husband we pray inshallah. Just put your faith into Him and He will give you everything you need inshallah. We were all guided to respond and you should take this a sign from Him - Allah azzawajal loves those who help themelves. Please post again so we know you are ok. Please visit a mosque and speak to sisters about whats happened and ask them for help inshallah
I know this is a late response but in case anyone reads this and is in a similar situation my response would have been this:
AS Even if you don't press charges file a police report. He KNOWINGLY gave you an STD that could affect your children! Asthugfirullah! Make sure a history is written for such a thing in case he ever tries to do such a thing to a woman agian. I also doubt your nikkah was done Islamically. How can a person, an imam without a criteria, officiate AND act as a witness to your wedding? Islamic wedding must include two witnesses for the security of the woman.
What a horrible man. Allah SWT save our sisters from such criminals!