Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Extramarital affair with child. How do I get divorced?

Broken marriage, infidelity, cheating, adultery

I had arranged a marriage nikah 6 years ago to a cousin from abroad. When he came over to England, I was not interested on him and already had a boyfriend, then  I found out I was pregnant and had an abortion as the baby was not my husband´s baby.

Finally, my husband could not take my mood and got suspicious I was seeing someone else, he confronted me and I told him to get lost. We have had no contact ever since, am I automatically divorced in the eyes of Islam?

To make matters even bigger, I had child out of wedlock with my boyfriend who doesn't want to know her as he didnt want me to have her but I have a beautiful daughter, Allhumdulillah and I am trying to get into Islam but just want to know where I stand, can anyone help?

I can't contact my ex husband as he has disgraced me and family to all extended family.  My mother says if you try to contact, they will blackmail for money and stuff and he hasn't contacted me  to get divorced, so I am not sure how I can be divorced.'

Please help, I do not have any muslim friends and I am disgraced in community,... I am really alone.

- Singlemum


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2 Responses »

  1. Sister, Asalamualaykum,

    What a mess, I am very sorry for the state you are in and that you feel lonely and disgraced. But, I don't see how you can blame your husband for disgracing you in your family and community, as you have done a fairly good job of that yourself. You had an affair while married, then had a baby out of wedlock with another man and then instead of being humble infront of your husband out of shame and remorse, you tell him to 'get lost'.

    Forgive me if I am wrong, but I do not see any remorse through your words. You have not shown that you are sorry for your actions, instead you have just blamed your husband for disgracing you and accused him of potentially blackmailing you if you contact him.

    Sister, perhaps you are sorry for your wrong doings and do want to repent, but have just not expressed so in your post. If this is not the case, then something is wrong with the state of your heart. You need to take responsibility for your own actions and must look in the mirror and take account of your own wrong doings. You are in your current position because of some very bad choices you made, not because of your husband. Although, I must add here that if your husband has been spreading rumours and slander or information about you, be it the truth or false which is dishonouring you, this is not right by Islam either.


    - Your relationship with Allah and Repentance:
    You are feeling completely alone and lost, but unfortunately this is a result of your actions, although things do not always have to be so dark and gloomy, they can improve inshaAllah. You said you want to turn to Islam, so I am pleased for you as this is a very positive thing. This is your first step forward. I will urge you to realise the severity of your wrongs, make an effort to purify your heart, through sincere remorse and repentance and turn wholeheartedly to Allah. Allah(swt) says in the Quran in Surah Zumar, Verse 53: Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." So first and foremost, focus on re-establishing your relationship with Allah. Sincerely repent, seek Allah's Protection and become accustomed with your five daily salaah and recitation of the Quran, you will find tranquility and peace in your heart.

    - Your relationship with your husband and divorce:
    From what you have said, you do not appear to be divorced (assuming that your husband did not declare a divorce and you have not taken divorce proceedings either). You need to consult with an Imaam about this about and also an elder from your family if not yourself needs to step up and communicate with your husband, in order to establish what you both want so you can move forward, do you want to reconcile or do you want to divorce? If it is divorce that is agreed upon, then this process needs to be started so you can both move on with your lives. If your family are not contacting your husband out of fear that he will blackmail you, what can he possibly use to blackmail you with? As you say that your extended family already know about your situation anyway. If your husband refuses to divorce you just so that he can keep you hanging on, then you can divorce him yourself through 'Khula'. There is always a way around, you just need to know your Islamic rights. But, there must be communication with your husband, even if through an Imam.

    I do not know where abouts you live in England, but if you are London, you can contact the Shariah Council in Leyton to book a consultation with a qualified, professional and confidential Imam/Counsellor (inc female counsellor). Please click on the link for contact details:

    - Your relationship with others and your future:
    I do not know your age, or whom you live with, or your educational background, but since you mentioned your mother, I am assuming that she is helping you, I hope this is the case. Unfortunately, the Muslim community can be judgemental, so I can understand that you are finding it difficult making friends, having said that, anyone who is sincerely humble will not shun you away. Try to give your daughter a good Islamic environment to live in and do not go looking for another relationship yet. When you are spiritually stronger and have developed a sound heart, you will find someone who will want to marry you and sincerely take on your daughter inshaAllah. Also be good to your parents, as I am sure they have suffered alot of dishonour and heartache through what has happened to you. Let this experience humble you and with time, your relationship with those around you will also begin to improve inshaAllah.


    If you want help in learning your deen (i.e. Salaah, Quran etc), I will be most happy to help you inshaAllah.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. Salaam my Sister,

    I have taken this information from the following this website

    The grounds on which a wife can seek divorce from her husband in the courts are:

    Inability or refusal of the husband to maintain his wife (even if she happens to be rich, it is still the full responsibility of the husband to maintain her).

    Abuse / mistreatment (which includes beating and swearing, cursing and attempting to force her to do wrong).

    Impotence of her husband (in recognition of the wife's legitimate instinctive needs).

    Incurable, repulsive disease in the husband or insanity.

    Extended absence or desertion by the husband:

    If his whereabouts is known, he is given the chance to return to his wife before the divorce takes effect;

    If his whereabouts is unknown, a six-month or one-year waiting period is placed on the wife. If the husband fails to return, the wife is divorced from him.

    Imprisonment of the husband.

    Deception or concealment of important information at the time of the marriage.
    "There are two methods of divorce by mutual consent:

    Mubarra, where husband and wife mutually agree to release each other from the marriage vows-they also agree among themselves the financial and other conditions for the release;

    Self-redemption (Khula), where, if the wife is unhappy with the conduct of her husband and has genuine grievances which she fears will cause her to fall into error if she continues in the marriage, then she obtains separation by returning her husband's marriage gift in return for the dissolution of the marriage. Conditions that should be observed when using Khula method of divorce are:

    There must be a genuine reason for seeking divorce
    Dissolution may be imposed on the husband if he refuses to let his wife go
    No husband may pressurize his wife into asking for Khula so that he can regain the marriage gift; and
    This form of dissolution can take place at any time."

    If you are married in a mosque with no legal civil ceremony, then I would recommend that you approach an Imam for guidance on the waiting period required for your divorce to be final and accepted by Allah.

    If you are married via a legal ceremony and the state law is involved, I would recommend you appoint a third person - either a mutual friend, family member or solicitor who can have a discussion with both parties (you and your husband) to obtain an official divorce so that you may be free free each other.


    Editor, Islamic Answers