Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I converted to Islam, but committed a grave sin

In a Hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), a comparison is given of the believer and the unbeliever who commits a sin. For the believer, the sin towers over him like a tall building ready to collapse; whereas, for the unbeliever, the sin is like a fly that he slaps away but it keeps coming back. For the believer, the sin committed may not be a grave sin, but he ponders over the crime day and night, regretting it. For the unbeliever, it does not matter whether the sin committed was grave or not, because the sinner does not care of the consequences.

I am a 37 yr old revert to Islam living in the USA. I converted less than two years ago when I finally quit drinking, ALHAMDULILLAH, and ended my 20 year struggle with alcohol.

Around the same time that I reverted, I was in an alcoholism support group where I met and fell in love with a non-practicing Christian woman who was also starting the path to recovery (but not to Islam).  We were irresponsible and careless, and now there is a child, a beautiful 11 month old daughter whom we love very much.

Though we love each other and we are happy together, I am constantly aware that I have committed a great sin in not being married. I did not fully understand the consequences for my religious life of our relationship when I converted, and now I am living with such anxiety, I  just cannot take it anymore. I found this site out of desperation to find some kind of advice without making a fool of myself or having other Muslims think badly of me.

Our situation prevents me from fully participating in the local Sunni community and that has caused me SO MUCH SADNESS!!! My partner is not opposed to Islam, but is not going to convert any time soon. I would say that there is a slim chance that she could someday, but we need to be married right away. She says she will gladly marry me, and agrees for our daughter to receive an Islamic education. She has even offered to fast with me for Ramadan this year, as a show of support.

I have made a mistake, but I am steadfast in my Iman, and I study Qu'ran and Hadith regularly, maintain my salat, and take Arabic lessons from a private tutor. I truly love Allah and his religion, but I do not know what to do to fix our problematic situation.

We want to be a good family and do the right thing. We need advice desperately. May Allah forgive me.

- Adel

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6 Responses »

  1. I posted this link on and Maryam33 said:

    "You shouldn't dwell on the mistakes you commited before you reverted as God Willing they'll be forgiven...
    Amr ibn Al-Aas said: “When Allah guided me to Islam, I went to the Prophet(as) and said to him ‘O Prophet of Allah! Stretch out your hand so that I might pledge my allegiance to you.’ The Prophet stretched out his hand to me, but I withdrew my hand. He said ‘What is the matter, Amr ?’ I replied ‘I wish to lay down some conditions.’ The Prophet asked ‘What conditions do you wish to put forward?’ I said ‘that all my past sins be forgiven.’ The Prophet said ‘O Amr! Do you not know that (embracing) Islam wipes out all past sins, and hijjrah (emigration for Allah’s cause) wipes off all sins, and similarly pilgrimage removes all past sins.’ (Sahih Muslim)

    remember that Allah(swt) is the Most Forgiving, there are so many verses & ahadith but this one comes to my mind ...

    Al-Bukhari recorded that Ibn `Abbas (rAa) said that some of the people of Shirk killed many people and committed zina to a great extent; they came to Mohamed(as) and said, "What you are saying and calling us to is good; if only you could tell us that there is an expiation for what we have done.'' Then the following Aya was revealed:

    "Say: "O 'Ibâdî (My servants) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (39:53)

    Now that you're a Muslim alhamdAllah, you should do your best to try & please Allah(swt) & avoid all things which He has forbidden .. may Allah(swt) guide your partner to Islam."

  2. Advice From AhmedEnigma:

    "dear brother
    most important for you is to seek forgiveness and ask for help to ALLAH swt for your mistakes...

    moreover now since you already have a child...i think it is better for you to marry your partner since she does not bear any negative mis-concepts about our din...according to our din we can marry women from ahlul kitab..or the people who received divine revelations from ALLAH swt through HIS if you marry her and therefore have children..then at least you being muslim will make your child a follower of our din

    no matter whether your wife does accept it right away or not...and pray to ALLAH swt for her you really think love and marriage is not enough to change someones mentality.. remember ALLAH swt is the only one whose wishes are able to change a person... or decide whether she will accept islam or not... we can do nothing..none of us....

    so pray to ALLAH swt...and better try to convince her with all affections, love and admiration....and more than that...pray to ALLAH swt through your night prayers for her to come towards the light of one knows who will be guided and misguided...ALLAH is the one who wishes everything."

  3. Dear brother in Islam

    I think the solution is quite simple: your fiancée doesn't need to be muslim for you to marry her. A muslim man is allowed to get married to a woman from "ahl al kitab" (christian or jewish). If she's a christian, I don't see what's stopping you from marrying her. But until she's your "lawfully wedded wife" stop having physical contacts with her.
    In order to repent, all you need is to regret sincerely committing the sin, stop committing it and make a sincere promise to God that you will never commit it again. That's all it takes for the Most Merciful to forgive you. Allah's door is always open. There's a beautiful Hadith Qudsi where Allah says that if we come to him walking, He will come to us running. That's how wonderful Allah is.
    Marry her the woman you love, repent sincerely to Allah, and be happy.

    Wish all the best.


  4. wish you all the best

  5. Assalamu alaikum Brother,

    As one of the brother's mentioned in an earlier post, don't dwell on your past mistakes. Ask allah for forgiveness and truly mean it.

    Now that you have a child and the mother of this child is not opposed to Islam then I would say marry her. She has agreed to raise your daughter as a Muslim and send her to Muslim schools then half the battle is over.

    As for your future wife, I would not push her into making a decision on accepting Islam. Be patient with her. Remember, she knows what type of person you use to be and what you are now. She has seen you on the rebound from one of the lowest point's in your life when you began on the journey to beat your addiction to alcohol. She has seen you overcome that. She will also see how Islam has changed you for the better. Remember it is Allah who guides us to Islam, but you through your actions and positive character can soften her heart and open her eyes. Remember, during the time of Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) many people came to Islam because of the good character of the Muslims. Words are cheap but actions mean everything. Give her a good example of what a Muslim man should be.

    Stay strong brother.

    Your brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Carter

  6. Al Salamu alaykum .
    Dear Brother , You should know that Allah knows how weak we are and thats why he opened us the door of tawba whenever we do a mistake . A tawba is the intenition of not getting back to the sin and feeling guilty about it .
    You should not feel ashamed or bad because the human nature is to make sins thats just how allah created us because he is the forgiver that wants us to knock his door by supplication and prayers of forgivness
    as for the girl you love in Islam , men are alloud to marry woman who are from ahl al kitab which means Jewish or Christian but in one condition which is to raise your kids on islamic religion and i suggest you ask about it some Islam Scientists to know more about it for my knowlidge is limited and am not alloud to do Fatwa but there is always a way in Islam .
    Hope allah makes your distress times go away.

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