Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Love is not enough for his parents

I am catholic and I have Syrian Muslim bf. We are in love with each other but cannot continue with marriage as his parents won't allow. I am willing to learn and understand Islam and will eventually convert. However, this is not enough for his parents as I am of different nationality. We both are struggling with our situation as we really love each other. I need advice please.

Tracy

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6 Responses »

  1. Hi, if a man is a real adult man and not a coward, will choose his woman himself and not have to ask his parents any permission or blessing. Even if the parents are not okay at first, they will always love their son and "forgive" him. So if they are against you, he should stay by your side and be patient. It's 2017, 21st century, it's time parents should stop dictate their adult children's choices. By wanting to control their sons love life, they are not acting lovingly, but selfishly.
    If you want to talk about this to your man, show him that you really respect his family but that it's him and himself alone who should choose the woman he will lie next to for the rest of his life. And if he truly loves you and if he is not a coward, he will choose you. Because you did nothing wrong, but his parents did something wrong. Opposing to their son's personal choice is wrong. Whatever choice it is. He has to show them that the love he feels for you is real and that you make him happy and that is all that counts.

    • Salam Elena,

      Other countries have societies where children aren't as independent. If the guy marries without allowing any input from his parents then there will be problems. The parents pay for that guy's education using their retirement money and expect to communicate with his wife after marriage as well as being taken care of to some extent. Even as an adult he owes them a lot. Sure if the guy has no problem being disowned by his family, or doesn't want to repay his parents for what they've done then he should go ahead. And the disowning is a real thing, all of them do not just forgive. Their main issue is the culture and the communication, and they feel they can't communicate with the new daughter in law in their native tongue and that perhaps she won't put up with them in him spending on them.

      For a man to just set it up so his parents disown him doesn't make him a "real" man. He's not even a man with good character at that point. The guy has to figure out a way where the parents concerns are met and he gets the girl, and that's not always easy.

      • If parents disown a man just because he wants to get married with the woman he loves, then the parents are selfish.
        Women from different cultures can also take care of a man's parents, and they can learn languages too.
        It's not as easy as with someone from the same cultural background, but if a woman is willing to do so much for her man, it truly means that she is an amazing person and that her love is pure and true!
        And accepting her does not mean that the man will give up on his parents or not repay them the money they invested in him.
        People need to start asserting their freedom to love who they want and be with who they want.
        Parents need to stop trying to control their adult children's lives and accept their choices.
        When you come to think about it, is it really normal for someone else to choose for you who you will spend the rest of your life with?
        Does it make sense that anyone else would refuse you the right to be happy?
        Does it make sense that anyone else should decide who you have sex with or who you have children with?
        Does anyone else know what's in your heart?
        It's time those parents who want to control their adult children's lives realise that all they're being is selfish and thinking about themselves before their children's happiness.
        And that's against the whole point of being a parent.
        Being a parent means that you put your child's happiness first, and seeing your child happy should make you happy.

        Religion and culture differences are just excuses. There are also plenty of people from the same religion and same culture whose parents try to make their children choose between them and their child's loved one because they just don't like them.
        It's a selfish behaviour in every religion and every culture and every country.

        • Salam Elena,

          It seems like you went through a lot. I'm sorry if you're in the same situation as this poster. But to give you an idea why it works this way: Parents that move towards disowning their kid are doing so over anger, or loss of a joint family, or difficulty in accepting the spouse, and perhaps because they think the relationship will fail and they don't think they can handle the fallout. In a divorce where the girl moves back with her parents the parents don't want that. In a divorce where the guy needs the parents to look after the kids, the parents would also prefer not to do that.

          The reputation of certain cultures are that divorces are frequent so some parents try to avoid that culture without really getting to even know the person. The divorce market for Muslims isn't great so they look at that as a high risk relationship. They usually tell their son/daughter not to get in a relationship in the first place so many times their son/daughter may not say how far the relationship has gone. So from the parents person, it's not much different that comparing resumes, there shouldn't have been any investment. And the outcome they see is significant if things go wrong.

          Also, some cultures don't support a joint family system, for those cultures that do, it's kinda important that everyone get along. I think for those cultures parental approval becomes important.

          Other than this stuff I recommend not using the world "real" or "true' when defining love. It just ends up allowing one to set a bar for what they expect and disregard the real pain that the person who loves them feels. The parents use this too, they may say if she really loved you she would fight for you or come see us. And really they're just raising the bar and claiming that the girl doesn't love the guy to prove she'll leave after marriage just like how she's not trying now. If she tries, then they may argue that she's nuts.

          I hope this info helps, salam.

  2. Dear Tracy
    I'm a Muslim mother and Tbh you have gone through this Islamic website to tell your story,obviously you must love your boyfriend quite a lot to get an Islamic opinion on the matter.
    Well this is the right step and in the right direction, hopefully someone will give you advice according to the Islamic teachings. You say that you are willing to learn about Islam which is lovely to hear.
    My advice right now is be patient and take it slowly one day at a time also start to learn about Islam, like you said you are willing to learn.. In every situation for elders to understand it takes time, And Insha Allah in time you will get their blessing.
    Love is all about understanding and giving and taking, waiting to get married with elders blessing is good in Islam.
    Islam teachers one to respect parents and I'm sure in time he will get his parents blessing, you must be patient in the matter.
    May Allah bless you and do things right for all involved , I will pray for you dear. Allah bless.

  3. Tracy,

    I recommend getting an idea from your husband as to what their expectations would be from their daughter in law and seeing if you can show how you would meet those expectations. Their other likely concern is that the divorce rate is high and they're worried that you would leave. If you can alleviate their concerns then you have a better chance of getting a yes. Also, seeing them would be good although I don't know if traveling right now is a great idea.

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