Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband confuses me!!

salam brothers and sisters.

I've been married for 5 years. i have 3 beautiful children alhamdulilah.

i have a problem. i have not had a day of true happiness since I've been with my husband.

Hubby is a hard worker, ill give him that, but only if he wants to be. there have been a few occasions over the period of our marriage where i have given up and told him i wanted to split. we would separate for a week or two then he would whisper sweet words and i would go back to him. i totally understand marriage has its ups and downs but i feel like my life is dysfunctional. we have fights every now and then mainly because he feels he has the right to talk to me like I'm some trash he picked up off the street and when he does this i tell him to show me some respect. if i don't shut up to the verbal abuse ill cop the physical abuse. now i don't tell him i want to split anymore because i know for a fact his parents will not let him divorce me because I've got three kids from him and they wouldn't want me taking my mahar! the only way his family would accept a divorce is if i had done zina, which would strip me of my rights to my mahar.

i try to love my husband but i just can't. i love being a full time mum but i don't like being beat, verbally abused or treated like a slave. wallahi i do not exaggerate a word i am saying, if i had a long day taking one of this kids to the doctor and doing grocery shopping and cleaning the house and genuinely not have time to cook dinner ill get into trouble. i get the "i work so hard all day for you and the kids" lecture, as if i do nothing all day and i do not work hard as well. even after i put the kids to bed I'm still cleaning and cooking for my husband. on the weekend if i sit on the couch for a 5 minute break my husband finds me a chore to do or just makes me get up and get him something just for the sake or not resting. i feel like the only time i am entitled to rest is when i sleep.

if i try to open friendly conversation i only get replies of i don't know, i can't be bothered, why do you ask and how am i supposed to know.... thats if i get any response anyway. my husband had friends but he lost them due to his hot temper and no respect. i to have no friends but only because i don't get time to socialise during the day, at night if i want to visit family my husband will tell me no stay home i want you to sit with me even though he knows his company is boring.

i constantly encourage my husband to pray but I'm answered with "we live in a kafir country, everything we do here is haram and kuffir"

i can go on all day about why I'm so miserable. my husband hates my parents. shows me no respect, abuses me when he wants just because he thinks he can despite the fact I'm raising our kids, cooking and cleaning, i give him his bedroom rights.... when he gets bored of watching porn. how do i get out of this situation? my husband doesn't want to change and he thinks he has the power to keep me miserable till the day i die. how do i get out of this situation?

little flower

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3 Responses »

  1. Sis, your husband is jerking you around. You are not his servant girl. You also are not to be subject to verbal abuse. Forget about his parents worrying about your mahr. That is yours. If your husband treats you badly, you do not have be subject to it. Especially if you live in the US or UK. Sad. That a Muslim wife has more protections in this so-called kufar society. By the way, if the US is so bad, why is your husband here? Go back to his country. Your husband's thinking is so incorrect. He is making excuses for his own weaknesses and failures. If you were a relative, I would tell you to strongly consider divorce. No one should suffer in a marriage; that is actually unIslamic. You may not even realize it but you already are in a classical domestic violence situation. When a husband abuses his wife and she leaves, the husband makes empty promises and sweet talks his wife to return, only to continue the bad behavior. This has already happened to you. You do have an obligation to your children to provide them a healthy upbringing, not to expose them to verbal and physical abuse. They will grow up thinking that is normal. I am sure you don't want that.

  2. Salaam sister. I am sorry for what you are going through and I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in a similar situation like yourself but ive decided to leave him now. There is a limit to everything and if you have gave your 100% and I am sure you have then there is no need to suffer any more.
    Islam has given women the right for khula and dont worry about your mahr InshaAllah Allah will give it to you one way or the other if it is in your kismet.
    I have suffered verbal abuse and emotional abuse. I have always been forced to be submissive and obedient yet I have no rights as a wife. I too have left before but he would give me false promises but this time my mind is made up and I am leaving him for good. I cant be his maid and punch bag. It is causing a bad effect on my children and I dont want them going through this.
    Theres more to life then this and you have a right to live your life the way you want and fill it with happines. Pray salatul istekhara and ask Allah to guide you to what is best and take it from there. Once you have done that then leave it to Allah to guide you.
    I pray whatever choice you make is in your favour

  3. Walaykum Asalam

    I'm sorry to hear this sister. You've been through so much and don't deserve the abuse and mistreatment from your husband. The fact that your husband doesn't seem to pray is a major problem.

    You cannot continue suffering like this, you're a human and deserve respect. Allah (swt) honoured women and gave them rights. Your children do not deserve to be in this environment either.

    Pray istikhara about your situation and you should seriously consider seeking khula. You have grounds for this: prolonged abuse and husband refusing to pray.

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