Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The past is haunting us

One should come to term with one's past to live a happy present and future

Haunted by the past.

Hello there. I'm writing to ask about a very personal situation. I met my wife more than a year ago and we quickly got along and moved forward in our relationship to marriage. I was married before and have a kid that lives with me and she was "married" before and has 2 kids.

After our engagement, I came to know that those kids were with a non-Muslim father and outside of the marriage constitution. I felt betrayed but decided to offer the opportunity my wife said she's looking for to start a new life based on God's rules.

Recently she lost custody of the children due to reallocation with me. She can have them back if she moves back so she's torn between fighting for the kids and starting a new life with me. Distance is too far so we cant effectively have a relationship if she moves back. There's no clear path to get us back together if she moves back to her kids.

She feels that God took the kids away from her because of her sins of having them in a haram way but also feels they are innocent and deserve to be fought for. We are also pressured that if they spend most of their time with their dad they will become Christian.

I'm torn between supporting her as a mother who lost her kids, and doing what's right for those kids that are here for no fault of their own. At the same time I don't think I ever forgave her for hiding such a significant matter from me and we seem to spend all our life maneuvering around her kids and their father, who's a very hostile and disrespectful person with a criminal history.

I feel like I'm exposing my child to hardship that is not deserved being selfish wanting to have her as a wife. What is right to do? Should I encourage her to move for her kids? which may mean separation for us? This way I wont have to deal with her past nor my son will have to deal with the adversities she and her kids bring?

or should I encourage her to stay and start this life with us and settle for visitations with her kids? which may mean their life will get worse and potentially they may convert to Christianity?

lostanddound


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6 Responses »

  1. Brother,

    Its a hard situation for you, what to do is depend on the law of the country you stay. It is very difficult to give advice, still what I can say is , she is your wife if she want those kids to her, support her for that, as you said they are innocent you should try to get them back and accept them. May Allah help you on this.

  2. I'm my opinion I think if you really love her than you should fight for her, for her kid's sake. Now it's mostly about the kids and the religion. If you don't want her kids to have a bad life as you mentioned that their father is bad and disrespectful. So, if you really love her and want those kids to be good and pure Muslims. You should definitely fight for them. I'm sure that Allah is testing you brother. Also I'm sure if you fight for those kids, Allah will definitely be happy with you. (Just remember that this is a test from Allah) EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE in shaa Allah

  3. Marriages have many challenges, illness, poverty, etc etc.

    your wife is going through a trial......it's your choice....you can support her and be by her side as her loving husband and not judge her for her past......or you can run away and let a good woman struggle on her own as she has to fight for her beloved children.

    If she is a person you want to there for your trials, you have to be there for her.

  4. It is very hard choice .if you can forgive her and you feel you have big heart and patience to accept future struggle then go for it else better to leave her .

  5. Assalam o alikum my brothers and sisters. I'm in the same situation as my brother who asked the question and I don't know what to do I love my new born baby and I want her to be the best child I want her to serve the truth to serve Allah and no one else I don't want her to burn in hell forever because she's growing a Christian as her mum is Christian and I'm not with her to bring her up the right way I know I made a mistake and I ask Allah for forgiveness please I need help and guidance im so broken and helpless, may Allah bless you. Ameen

  6. Salam brother

    From my understanding on your question I'm assuming she is now a Muslimah and based on what your saying I'm also asuming she reverted to Islam.
    If that's so then you should know whatever sins she committed before are erased and you shouldn't judge her.

    If she lied about being married before that's a different story, in this case she did wrong by lying to you, but you knew this before marrying her and decided to marry her anyways, which means she IS your wife and your job as a husband is to be by her side in any situation, you took on responsibility to her and her children wether they were born out of wedlock shouldn't be an issue now.

    May I ask why cant you relocate to her so that you both can be together with her children?

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