Pregnant by a Muslim man; how to convince him to take responsibility?
Hi,
I'm a white Non-Muslim girl and I got myself pregnant by a Muslim boy. He is very religious in his family as I been told he knows the Holy book by heart, so his parents believe he is a good religious man. However, outside his family life, he commits sins by taking drugs, drinking and sleeping with girls. Since, I found myself pregnant with his child and told him, he's refused to believe that the child is his and keeps saying it is not. However, I believe that deep inside he knows its his and he just doesn't want to face the fact. The child will be born in 3 months time, and I don't want my child to grow up without knowing his father.
As a muslim what is his responsibilities towards the child? I am not asking him to tell his family as I been told is what he's really scared of his family finding out, as his family really religious so he doesn't want to ruin his family. However, I need him to at least be there for the child mentally at least an hour a week. I do not need financial support from him but just need my child to know who his father is. Also if he wants the child to be a Muslim it is up to him to teach him to become one as I have little knowledge of daily prayers. I have nothing against the religion as all my friends are Muslims so would be happy for my child to be a Muslim believer as well. So, this is the script so can someone help me to how he can be a father and how can get him to be their for the child.
Livagg.
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Asa!
Im so sorry you are going throught such hard times, I can only imagine how hard it must be beinh pregnant and dealing with such an irresponsible "man". The way you talk about him, he is not a muslim, a real muslim would know that doinh drugs and sleeping with girls is a big sin. There is really nothing you can do to "make" him be there for the baby. I suggest you have your baby, if so get a paternity test just to make him the legal father, and walk away from him. learn about islam and teach your baby what his or her father never will. Im sorry! But you dont need a person like this in your life or the babies.
Sister Amira,
A little piece of advise for you.
However great sin a person commits, he remains a Muslim, as long as he has faith in Allah as his Lord and Muhammad as His Messenger Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.
When you say he is not a Muslim, if this is true, its alright, but if it isn't then this accusation applies to you. Would you like to be counted among the Kuffaar before Allah?
For this reason, please abstain from calling anyone "not a Muslim" henceforth, until there is enough proof for his/her exit from the fold of Islam.
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
As far as I know there are certain things a MUSLIM should and should not do. And that is what separates us from the rest. As far as this man, he DOES NOT seem to be doing what a muslim should! As muslims, are we allowed to DRINK??? Have SEX?? Do DRUGS?? LIE?? NO!!!!
Tha'ts what I ment, I am not God to say who is and who is not a real Muslim. But if you do things like this I dont see how you can be such a good pious person and fear Allah!
I second, Amira!
A person, who even after having the knowledge of what God has forbidden to him goes after it and commits sin, who manipulates God's words and way of life to his desires and fancy, certainly doesn't qualify to be a Muslim.
You can't claim to love and obey Allah on his face, while violating his words behind everyone's back!
If the man in question would have really loved, respected and have had faith in ALLAH, he would have never done anything that would have displeased ALLAH! As simple as that!
Salaams,
If anyone is claiming that someone can't be a Muslim if they claim to love Allah, but are yet disobedient to Him, then there are no Muslims in the world.
All of us sin. In order to sin at all, we have to con ourselves on some level (it's not that bad, Allah will forgive us), and take Allah's mercy for granted.
Some of the worst sinners will be pulled out of Hellfire because of His mercy.
Some of the most obedient believers will have their good deeds credited to others, and enter paradise on no merit of their own.
People do commit grave, grave sins. This brother committed many, apparently. Everyone who sins should be held accountable for their actions, with the hope that they will repent and become the person Allah made them to be.
Yet even in all that, to start tagging amongst ourselves who are truly Muslim and who are not (to me, this is all ghaib anyway), is not only perilous per the hadith related by Abdullah ibn 'Umar in Tabarani, that the Prophet (s) said, "kuffu 'an ahli `la ilaha ill-Allah' laa tukaffirruhum bi-dhambin faman kaffara `ahla la ilaha ill-Allah' fa-hua lil-kufri aqrab." This means "leave alone the people who say there is no deity except Allah, don't call them unbelievers if they did something that in your eyes is a sin, for whoever says that they are unbelievers, he is the one nearer to unbelief." , but it is also likely a sin itself (pride/arrogance/judgmentalism).
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor.
Ditto!!
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Once the baby is born, a paternity test will confirm that he is the father, as Amira said. However, you can't simply walk away from him and have nothing to do with him once that's established, because he has the Islamic and legal duty to support his child financially. Once the paternity is confirmed, you should be able to go through the court system and get some type of child support order set up. They will summon him to be accountable for this, so it doesn't really matter what he wants, as far as not having his family find out. They will find out eventually, and that's the price he's going to have to pay for crossing lines that should've never been crossed.
One would hope that with his time and acceptence he will grow up, get his act together, and become an active and involved father to his child. Even if he doesn't, you have the responsibility to pursue the child's rights to the full extent of the law, and I suggest you do at least that much, even if you don't "need" it (it's the child's right, so it shouldn't be up to you to decide to neglect it!). He may not ever want to spend any time with the child, so I wouldn't depend on him to teach the child Islam.
Typically, children of a Muslim man should be raised according to Islam. If you don't know enough about this to do so yourself, start trying to learn what you can. The child won't even need to start doing anything like prayers for a few years, so you have time to learn quite a bit. You can also use your friends who know about Islam to help guide you where to learn these things from. Perhaps in the process you may realize that Islam will bring a completeness to your own life, as well!
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
sallam
some nonislamic advice, sue him for pertenity, he will ahve to take the pertenity test then legally you and your child will be given rights, he can pay child support etc. also consider Islam for yourself? i know this terrible person has taken advantage of you but he isnt a real muslim and islam is a wonderful religion you should experiance for yourself!
Allah hafiz
Sisters Amira, SisterZ, and Amy,
Right, sins lead to sin. And Alhamdulillah, I believe this. Major sins sometimes lead to Kufr, (such as the Practice of magic).
My immediate reaction was to the sister's words "he is not a Muslim"
It was the practice of the Mu'tazili (who were among the first deviant groups) to declare someone who committed a major sin to have exited the fold of Islam. This is serious, because according to a Hadith, if this accusation is not true, the same bounces back on the accuser.
Yes I know this man has committed many major sins and does not deserve to be called a Muslim, but we should fear the punishment of Allah, if calling him not a Muslim could lead us to being not Muslims ourselves. I always take this precaution.
And being close to Kufr and being Kaafir are different, right?
Further, I read something from the life of Shaikh ibn Taymiyyah Rahimahullah. There was a deviant group who he was addressing. He said: what you are doing is Kufr, but I will not call you Kaafir.
This is because the Shaikh feared that if he was mistaken in any way, the fatwa of Kufr could bounce back on him.
May Allah protect us from such a thing
Aameen
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Brother Waseem...There are many, Christians, Jews, and Muslims who lose sight of the true path. We all make mistakes, but our mistakes do not equal an exit from our religion. Until one converts or leaves, he/she is bound to his/her religion. Perhaps a better way of defining one as "not a muslim" would be to say a "lapsed muslim", or "a muslim in need of guidance". Just a suggestion.
Sister Livagg.
First of all, sex before marriage is haraam. God said that it must not be done and this is the reason why.
What's worse is that he wants to avoid his responsibility, and Tell him that you wanna marry and that you will become a Muslim for him.
You are both at the right age for marriage. Tell him to be a man and to stand and face what he has done. Tell him that it is not haraam to marry a revert to Islam, in fact it's a blessing cause his wife will then be pure and free from sin if she reverts to Islam.
If he doesn't want anything to do with you and the baby, then make sure that his family knows that he made you pregnant and that the baby is part of their family If the parent is so religious then they will value his courage to be a responsible person as islamicly.
Also tell the government that the baby is his and make him pay you every month for maintenance of the baby even you can afford. It's the father's duty to provide for the baby. Whatever you do, do not let him get away without paying for what he has done.
May Allah protect you and showers blessing to your child who will welcome soon.
Nadia
Salam alaikum....
If i may ask .. How do destiny applies in this situation.?
Masalam
Wassalam,
Whose destiny?
Asalaam Alaikum, I remmeber a verse in Surah Yasin yesterday as my cousin told me to listen to it 3 times, for it was a good time of this month to listen to it. And subhannuAllah wah AlhumduIllah Allah knows what's inour hearts and he knows what we have done and InshaAllah Allah Forgives us or our sins Allah Akbar Ameen. but in Surah Yasin the last verse in the English translation was
"81. Is not He who created the heavens and the earth able to create the like of them? Certainly. He is the Supreme All-Knowing Creator.
82. His command, when He wills a thing, is to say to it, “Be,” and it comes to be.
83. So glory be to Him in whose hand is the dominion of everything, and to Him you will be returned."
SudakaAllahAlAzim AstugfurAllah wah AlhumduAllah Al Haqq Al Quddus Al Barr Allah Akbar Ameen. Wah Asalaam Alaikum. Allah is the Truth and He is the All knowing and he is Ar Rahman Ar raheem Ar rauf the tenderly Compassionate and the Most merciful One allah akabr Ameen ! Asalaam. Peace wah Asalaam Alaikum!
Dear Livagg.
I would like to talk to you, if you can contact us on http://abandonedchildrenbytheirsaudifather.blogspot.com/ would be great.... maybe your ex is not a Saudi but we are a group of women in the same situation.
May Allah bless you and your beloved baby.
Salamualaikum,
Sister maria_us, may I ask, what is the purpose of this blog of yours? Do you provide help to these women? If not, then how would it help the sisters in such situations?
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
WaSalam Alaikum,
Actually is not my blog, is another girl blog in which there are a lot of girl who were left with their kids, the blog provides help in what the woman need but most of all the emotional support that every woman in this situation needs, is not just to give an opinion about a certain situation is that ALL of us spent the same situation with different facts.
Sister Maria,
I just came across some letters on that blog you mentioned. They were addressed to the families of the men at default, informing them about the abandoned children. If this is true, then this seems to be wonderful. This way, their men would be exposed, thus preventing them and others who know them, from doing what they did, again. It could help the lady who was party of the Zina, to get support for her child, if the man denies it. In my opinion, this could lessen the Haraam act of Zina from happening in the long run. And Allah Knows Best.
(But I did not like one concept. If a child is born out of wed lock, it does not have the name of the biological father. But this blog mentions them by the names of the men who are claimede to be their fathers.)
Jazakillahu Khair
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Muhammad,
All these stories are true, some of the girls didn't want to exposed this men because they are afraid of the possible consequences, some of this kids has the last name of their father because they was born from a marriage, some other just carries the last name of the mother as the Qur'an states... Some of this kids are product of zina, some others are product of a long term marriage, however, in both cases was a long term relationship.... In my personal case he left me when i was 5 months pregnant saying that he was going to KSA for Eid and he will be back in 3 weeks, and he never came back... then he recognized our baby, gave his last name without pushing him or forced him, but until this day he is not carrying about our baby.... This is more a page of support and to prevent other girls to get trapped in a relationship like this, is true some guys would have serious intentions and some others won't, and i agreed with you InshaAllah this could lessen the Haraam act of Zina.
Barakallah fik,
Maria
One of my friend told me that this blog is mostly about " Misfar Marriage " !!! These woman participated in this marriage with the hope of having a rich/arab husband but in the end they are abandoned with their kids. Very sad.
i think people has to research more before talking...
How do you know that "These woman participated in this marriage with the hope of having a rich/arab husband"??? what are the facts and proof to make this statement like if is true? .... Also where in the Qur'an or Sunnah states that men has the right to abandoned their son's/daughters whether Misfar or not?? Can you tell me please and states the surah? What at know is that Allah makes clear in the Qur'an the rights and responsibilities of the father/husband of ANY kid. I will talk about my situation, i spent almost 7 yrs before HE abandoned our son, and I wasn't there for his money nor a Misfar marriage because if that was the case i would just abort our kid as he asked for, and we would be still together by his words "i want you without the child", is this permitable on Islam? because if is i think i learned wrong.
You've got to do more research. Ok here you go, from your friends own blog it self.
"For many people the pregnant women (future mother of a Saudi Children) are just searching for help because we want to take advantage of the wealth of Saudi Arabia" ....... " I am not saying that many women may not want to take advantage of the richness of the Saudi people "
http://abandonedchildrenbytheirsaudifather.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2012-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=2
Why dont you go ahead and read the whole blog just like what I did. Because then you will realise the absurdness of the stories. By absurdness I mean that most of these women and men-who are abandoning their kids are having a girlfriend-boyfriend relations and also zina. I mean if they follow Islam or their own religion properly, they wouldn't be in this situation or writing in this blog. They brought their own downfall.
How did you come to a conclusion that I supported "abandoning kids" in my post ??? NO men/women should abandon their kids. PERIOD.
I pity you. You married the wrong man I guess. It is completely haram what he did. But if you dont mind me ask, Is your marriage an arrange marriage ?
I have heard from my father who spent most of his life in Saudi Arabia that he has come accross a lot of people who travel abroad and marry daughters of poor fathers, giving them a huge amount of money.
And some years ago, when I was in a market (in Saudi Arabia) with my father, a person my father knew, expressed his intention to go abroad and marry (I don't remember the mention of money)
And one surprizing thing was that about 3 years ago, I think I just came out of a Masjid (in India), to find an Arab wearing a Thawb and a Ghatrah. An Indian was struggling to understand what he said. I knew Arabic, so I spoke to him.
He said he had come to a similar area 10 YEARS ago and married an Indian lady (I think he also said he had a child) and he couldn't find the home he left her in.
I found it to be ridiculous. I asked him if he had any contact detail, so that I could help him find the lady, but to no avail - he had none.
I am not attesting that this is the case with all the women, but these are realities in SOME cases.
May Allah keep us and all the Muslims away from such evils. May Allah guide those men who pracice such acts
Aameen
Wassalamu'alaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
no, it wasn't
I am abandoned with kid but I never want to
Catch any rich I met him since he never have job since he become rich his mind really bad
It's not like Arab woman is a perfect.
lol truth is bitter. Good you did research.
Thanks for the great advice on this page.Maria and other sisters,thanks for sharing your stories.Yes we are equally to blame for the grave sin,but hopefully those who make fun of our situation are clean.How do you know we brought this all to ourselves?Some of us were not in it for the money.It was just pure love and got deceived along the way to such an extent that there was no turning back,but hoping things would work out.If there are any support groups of abondoned women in similar situations,please recommend them.In my case I just want emotional support,no intention of even reminding someone of his responsibility.His conscience is gonna deal with him even if he runs back to Pakistan and hide his sins from his family.Thanks once again for all the comments!!!
The Muslim religion is based on double standards basically the man can get away with murder but the woman has to be a virgin. I am going through the same thing and honestly he will never respect you and you will never be good enough and I don't even think that's healthy for a child to be around and brought up the same way I would raise the child on your own with family support.
Rita, you are describing certain cultural attitudes that are prevalent in many third world countries, including many Christian countries (Latin America, for example). It has nothing to do with the teachings of Islam, which apply equally to men and women.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Take him to court I also am having the same problem ... Religion it what ever culture if it's he's child he needs to take responsibility ...