Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I marry her or let her go now?

The Right Girl

Is she the Right Girl???

Salam All...

First let me tell you all about myself. i am 21 years old boy living in pakistan. i left study after doing Intermediate. living with my parents. life was not so good nor bad. then i met a girl. she moved to my city with her family recently and they were living a street away from my house. we saw eachother and she began by waving hand to me and then we exchanged numbers and started talking. then i get to know that she was in Nikah with someone and before i could ask her about it she told me that Nikah was broken 2 months ago because the guy was demanding too much things from my parents. i said okay and i was still happy to be with her. all was going well.

actually she was just passing time with me in the begining and she told me that by herself after few months and she said she was sad and broken because even if she didnt liked the guy she was going to be married to, she still felt broken and needed someone to talk to. i felt strange because she said she hated him but still she was sad. about after week of our phone talk she asked me to meet her and asked me to bring my car and we went on a short drive and just came back home and i dropped her. i was too much shy i could'nt talk to her but she kept talking to me like a experienced or may be she was not shy i dont know. then she started asking me to meet her in her street in front of her door because we exchanged usb for our photos etc. about after two weeks, it was night, she came in street to give me usb then she taunt me that i dont take her on my bike. then we went to the end of street and she kissed me there and i was shocked because she was not shy at all. and after that we started meeting in my house and sometime i went to her house to her roof and met there etc.

then a guy in her street told me that he was in relationship with this girl and she is characterless girl etc. i didnt believe him. he said he had physical relationship with her and she did it in room on her roof ( she took me there too to meet her and we just kissed etc. and i was shocked to hear the same.) then he showed me her pictures in his phone and her mobile number too. then i ask her and she told me that he is lying he wanted to be my friend but i ignored him so that is why he is doing this now and she said she dont know from where did he got her pictures and mobile number. we fought alot and after a month i just forgave her and trusted her even if she seemed guilty totally and i was proving her guilty but still i forgave her.

then i talk with her and told her politely to tell me everything about her past and even if she had committed zina i would forgive her if she told me about it herself but she always said no. she said she never had any relationship with anyone. i doubted her all the time. whole year. but still she didnt tell me.

then one night my friend who lives beside her house told me that she was talking to someone on phone and was pleading and crying to him and begging him. i was shocked to hear that and i fought with my friend that why he is saying bad things about her. but when i investigated then i found out that she was talking to someone. and she told me she was talking to his cousin brother and it was family problem etc. but i didnt believe her. and after 3 days of fighting with her she told me truth. she told me that she was talking to her cousin brother about the guy in her past who is trying to ruin her life and he is saying that he will tell my future husband about everything etc.

then she told me whole story that when she went to school she liked this guy. he was 25 y/o may be and she was 16-17 that time. she said she stalked him a whole year  and went to his shop regularly just to see  him. then they began in relationship. she said she loved him alot and he did too. she did alot of foolish things for him to prove her love like she gave her moms jewelry etc but he returned. but after 2 years of relationship when she forced her parents that she wants to marry him then she came to know that this guy was already married. but she said she still wanted to marry him even after hearing that. but her parents were not agree because that guy's wife told them that her husband is not capable of making anyone pregnent. then she cut her hand vein but she didnt die and reached hospital at time. she still have that cut on her hand.

after that her parents did her Nikah and again after 2 years her Nikah broken. she even talked to that guy 2-3 times even when she was in relationship with me. she told me no one touched her ever. even she went to Dubai ( his fiance was in dubai so she went with her brother in dubai to visit him etc ) and still she told me his fiance never touched her and they never even huged or kissed in 2 years of Nikah etc. and nor his previous lover in the 2 years of their love life. i cant bevieve this at all. she even said that if i found on first night she is not virgin then i can give her divorce the very next day etc. but i dont know i can know if she is virgin or not etc its not so simple.

she also had many little problems that she never did hijab and we fought almost 1000 times on this and now she started doing it. but before she did hijab when she knew i would see her and she didnt do it when she knew im out of city or not around. so she lied about it alot.

she also used to go to shop alone in  the next street and poeple around and shopkeeper started saying bad things about her that she is not good girl and she hits on boys when she comes to shop etc so i stopped her from going there and she said okay she will never go, but again she did go when she thought i was sleeping ( because i sleep late at night and wake up very late ) but that day i woke up early at 8 and i saw her coming out of shop. and all things like that, she lied alot. SHE LIED ALOTTTT. even about little little things.

Now i am not able to trust her at all. i love her alottttt but i am not able to trust her. our parents are going to meet in a week or two to fix date for our marriage but im now very confused. i dont trust her now and everything she says now i feel like she is telling me lies.

also the way she started this relationship like she waved herself first then she kissed first then she asked me to go out with her like she was moving toooooo much fast and it seems like she was too much experienced. and when i kissed her i felt like heaven but she behaved very normal like she had been doing this alot etc.

she tells lies alot. she hides things alot. i cant trust her at all. but she says once we get married everything will be sorted out. all will be fine. she says when we started living together then she will be with me all the time so then i will know that she is not telling lies etc. but its not like buying a car and if car is not good u can sell it etc. marriage is not simple as that.i have tried everything and i have tried very hard.

she even took OATH on Quran in her hand that she told me all truth that no one ever touched her kissed her etc and (that day i saw her without hijab but she fought with me that she was wearing it ) she also took OATH on Quran that she was wearing it. but after few days when we got normal and i asked her polietly that u lied me about hijab.right? and she laughed and said yes she did. i was shocked to see that she took false OATH of Quran. and she said she is ashamed but she didnt seemed to me.

after that once i saw her talking to someone on her phone while she was alone at her roof. but she told me she was talking to her friend. i believed her again. after a week she came to my house to meet my mom and i noticed her phone vibrating so i asked her to give me her phone and she denied it and told me its not her phone etc etc and lame excuses like that.

i have no job and no business but she says we will work it out and says if i dont get job then she will sell her jewelry and give me to do business. she is very caring n loving. she loves my parents and family and everyone loves her and likes her in my family. but i cant do that anymore.

i am very mature person even im only 21 but i handle every matter maturely but this matter has gone out of my hands. because i love her alot and dont want to leave her but still i cant trust her at all.

so now what should i do. i want honest advices and also i want my sisters here to advice me because they would talk from the girl's point of view.

stubborn


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21 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    The girl that you love has issues. Do not continue any kind of further relationship with her, but also do not spread rumours about her either. The guy that had a relationship with her and caller her characterless, could probably say the same about himself, could he not? It is best to end any more rumours once and for all.

    As for you, if you want to get married, speak to your parents and go through proper Islamic etiquettes to pursue marriage. Meeting girls alone and carrying on a secret bf/gf relationship is haram in Islam.

    Finally, love is a word many people like to use, but love isn't meeting someone in the best of times, outside of marriage and experiencing those feelings. Love is much more than that - so instead, please understand that you have feelings for her that happen to be attraction between a man and woman...but love it is not.

    May Allah help you in your marriage, Ameen.

  2. a brother's point of view.., u shouldn't marry her.. if u do, ur life will b a living hell..

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    As Sr Saba has already said, there is a difference between attraction and love. Love is something which grows in time, in the context of a halal relationship (that is, after nikah!), based on trust, respect and sharing a life together.

    Feelings of attraction to individuals of the opposite sex are a part of life, but these feelings don't mean we should rush off and marry the person. These feelings are one of the reasons why it is so important for us to be mindful when it comes to lowering our gaze and observing Islamic limits.

    In your situation, it may be that the development of these feelings suggests you might want to start looking for a suitable spouse with whom to have a halal relationship. If so, make sure you go through appropriate channels - speak with your parents and avoid meeting non-mahrams by yourself.

    When we are looking for a spouse, we need to prioritise deen and character. Ask yourself: "Is this someone I can trust to be honest and reliable in the years to come?"... "Is this someone who will help me to become a better Muslim?". I suspect that this girl isn't that person for you, given what you've written about your concerns.

    Learn from this - make yourself more aware of Islamic limits and lowering your gaze, think about what qualities you saw in this girl that you would want (and which you would not want) in your future spouse. Make sure that you repent for the transgressions that have occurred. Remember that Allah is Most Merciful.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. If ur already having trust issues it would only get worse.
    She doesn't seem to b telling h the truth b what's wrose taking oath when she clearly is lying.

    U might love her now but if u marry this girl life will b like this u will never b able to trust her.

    Do u really want to marry someone who will take an oath on the Quran n know she lied about it?
    That's enough for me not to want to b with this person.. If she can easily lie about little things that aren't necesary how easy it will b to lie about big things

  5. As Salam o alaikum,

    I think that this girl is a slut without any moral or spiritual values. No offence. You have to break it off with her which will be a issue since you're going to get married soon. Brother, leave this girl and goto University. You need your education, this is the thing that will help you in life and let you provide for your future children and wife. Don't waste time on this girl, if you marry her I bet you won't be able to live with her peacefully and eventually will divorce her.
    She seems like a girl who is stressed and empty deep down inside, that's why she does this stuff, do stuff that you don't like when you're not around then make up lame excuses to cover up her deeds. She needs to give this crusade of having boyfriends and rebounds a rest and go find herself,she should stay single for some time and then look for a decent guy, she's turned into a major slut. No offence.
    You'll be making a mistake marrying this woman as she lies to you and thinks you're a simpleton who can't see through her lies. Leave her. And goto University, who knows maybe you'll find you're match there and get into an honest and sincere relationship and get married.
    Btw I also live in Pakistan.

    • Please do not use the word slut unless you meant to send some of your good deeds to the girl OR meant to take some of her bad deeds. Remember, deeds are like currency on the Day of Judgement and they can be exchanged. You could have easily made your point without resorting to such despicable terminology. Jazak Allah.

  6. As Salam o alaikum,

    I think that this girl is a slut without any moral or spiritual values. No offence. You have to break it off with her which will be a issue since you're going to get married soon. Brother, leave this girl and goto University. You need your education, this is the thing that will help you in life and let you provide for your future children and wife. Don't waste time on this girl, if you marry her I bet you won't be able to live with her peacefully and eventually will divorce her.
    She seems like a girl who is stressed and empty deep down inside, that's why she does this stuff, do stuff that you don't like when you're not around then make up lame excuses to cover up her deeds. She needs to give this crusade of having boyfriends and rebounds a rest and go find herself,she should stay single for some time and then look for a decent guy, she's turned into a major slut. No offence.
    You'll be making a mistake marrying this woman as she lies to you and thinks you're a simpleton who can't see through her lies. Leave her. And goto University, who knows maybe you'll find you're match there and get into an honest and sincere relationship and get married.
    Btw I also live in Pakistan.

    • asslamoalikum plz forgive me if i hurt u u calling this girl slut ( astagfirullah) based this boy story can u bleive wht he said is truth? still if it is truth u cant give any one this shamful word specailly when u urself a women too. this girl looks like disturbed personality might b she got some psychology issues and this boy sorry to say he come for advise now he himslef proving in whole situation a small kid who dont know nothng she using him and yes he dnt have job so she said she gona give her jewllery so he can do work and here he said she is nice to him caring. calling her slut and u giving him advise that go to university might b u gonna find a match ( r u serious) people do love marriage while they study together but its not mean he must also go for his match there.
      op for ur question u want to leave the girl but i think ur attarction and jewllery story u got double mind its my idea Allah knows best. plz if u really lke girl stop doing haram and do someing by urself not using her money first do business or get some job eran halal then get married may Allah give hadiyat and right path amin

  7. Brother ,

    The girls seems to have some disturbed life so she is behaving like this .It will be good for you if you silently leave and break all contacts .

    As suggested by sister ,don't spread any rumours about her as that will be big sin to do ..It will be called as Back Biting in Islam ..Leave her silently .

    Marriage itself is a big complicated process even in normal circumstances so its better if you drop the idea of marriage with her ....

  8. Sister Sana ,

    I think it is not good to use the term "Slut "here for this girl .

    Thanks

  9. There are 2 sides to every story
    why don't men understand the limits in islam are there to protect them; instead they do what they want; and then they get cold feet and label a woman a slut?
    Sana . M. yousaf; you seem like a sheep; how can you as a woman call another woman a slut? You don't even know this woman; who are you to judge her; what you are a Muslim that has never made a mistake in your life no matter how big or small it was? You must be the only perfect Muslim in the whole world!

  10. Let her go for sure !! Marriage is a huge commitment, if your having doubts and trust issues already then not worth pursuing. Break off contact respectfully, and change ur number if you have to.

  11. Salam brother,

    Your physical intimacy with her already clouded your judgment. First, she is not a woman who lowers her gaza with opposite gender AND so do you. You already lay out all the unsure and untrusted issues in your relationship. You know you should end it but the physical intimacy keeps you going back to her. It may be guilt but also lust.

    Some people here suggest you to walk away in silence but I will suggest you to tell her what you have told us here. You are not confronting her but let her know that you cannot continue the relationship like that as it is HARAM. You should repent to Allah and so does she. Tell her firmly that you have trust issue with her and that cannot be solved from your side, thus you won't be able to marry her. Advice her to repent to Allah. Keep it short but firm. There should not be any more explanation other than that otherwise her begging or hugging, kissing, crying and promising of not doing it may make you fall back to square one.

    One thing is very important that you should assure her that you will not disclose any of her past or things between you and her to anyone. Urge her and yourself to repent to Allah sincerely.

    You should focus on developing yourself, get a better education to increase your chance to land on a better job. Take care.

  12. Aoa Brother,

    I am also from Pakistan and let me tell you in very simple words, politely disengage from this girl. She has too many issues and has developed a troubled personality. Guys like to help "damsels in distress" thinking that if they rescue some troubled girl she will be eternally thankful and in love with them, but the problem with such girls is that they crave trouble because that is how they get attention.

    Since you are a mature guy, therefore, do the sensible thing and politely disengage by saying that you need time to think, or you are going out of town and do not maintain any contact for 1-2 months, in that time she will find some other interest to satisfy her desire to get attention. I know getting away from her will be tough, in the beginning you may feel guilty for leaving her but in a few months you will thank for not getting sucked into it any further.

    You are still young and can wait another 4-5 years before you get settled. Therefore, focus on your education or business because that will improve your ability to provide for your family and girls appreciate a good provider for the family and a father to her kids more then just a lover boy.

    Do not seek thrill by exchanging mobile numbers of a girl in the neighborhood, such girls usually are quite a player themselves. Good wives are supposed to be comfort for you not a source of constant drama.

    Best wishes.

    • Such girls who give out their numbers usually do so because of such boys who ask them...the supply is there, due to the demand. It is not a girl vs. boy problem. It is a societal problem.

  13. Cut all contacts and move on. That's my honest advise to you.

    You deserve better and someone who has respect for themselves.

  14. she has high sexual drive, she cant contorl her nafs therefore she give numbers to boys, or had relations with them, she said she didnt kiss anyone, then why she kissed you first, woman are more shy in this case if it happens to be first time.
    the problem is not she had relations, coz at any time of life, a person can change and start to live life on a right path the problem is she is a habitual liar, her conscience is dead. she can do anything to get what she wants (desires). habitual liars are difficult to live with coz they dont change. she took oath, i had experience with that people took oath on Quran, the person who is not afraid to take oath on Quran means she is not afraid of Allah.
    you should and must stay away from her. it my advise not to marry her , you will be tortured everyday due to her lies

  15. Assalam-o-alaikum

    @stubborn

    Brother although there are two issues that can be specifically highlighted in your relationship i.e you saw her without hijab and the false oath of quran(ASTAGHFIRULLAH).I wont advise you to back off to a girl without knowing her circumstances that lead her to these sinful acts but you should consider her position as well and ask her of the issues in detail bluntly and help her out if she really wants to start a new life with you.I'd recommend you not to try to enforce something on her like you have been doing rather try to bring her attention towards your reservations politely.Secondly you should talk about the girl straightforwardly about your intentions for her and sort out matters mutually.If you love the girl then what she was in the past shouldn't matter and you should decide if you can bare all the possibilities of issues that were with the girl and could come up after you both are married.Finally it is a must that you perform istikhara before taking any final decision via its proper procedure.

    JAZAKALLAH
    AJ

  16. Asalam oalaikum brother..
    i m very much shocked to hear all what is happening in ur life... in my opinion i would request u not to continue any kind of future relationship with that girl.. i m pretty sure shes not sincere with u nor she ll be sincere in future... if there is no trust then no relationship can move forward.. so better to leave beforehand...
    pray 5 times a day..IN SHAA ALLAH ALLAH PAK will guide u ...
    JAZAK ALLAH....

  17. aslm

    forget all the thoughts except this....." do i love her really" then decide.
    and remember "marriages made in heaven".

  18. Love is built on trust so if there is no trust, then there is nothing.. When you really love someone that person is like your best friend and if a marriage starts out with no trust, it won't end good... I would say end it even if it's difficult because that person doesn't just change because of marriage.. And honestly, if there HAS to be a lot of control in the relationship, it's not a good one..

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