I treated my wife badly; now she wants Khula.
The Rights of a Wife over her Husband
bismillah
salam aleykum
I have treated my wife terribly. I have caused arguments and been violent and shouted. She tells me she is scared of me. Maybe I missed all the signs and never realised how unhappy she was with me but I truly believe we can reconcile and I know I don’t want to lose her.
I love my wife so much. I miss everything about her. She is so beautiful to look at that I can’t believe she is with me, although she often says I have called her ugly but I never have. She is a lot younger than me- I am 44 she is 32. And I was always insecure and jealous by nature. She has always been perfect in every way and I miss her so much.
We have a 15 month son and we have shared so much in only 2 ½ years. I am in shock now. I have not seen the baby for a month because she has kicked me out the house and refuses to communicate with me. We live 100 miles apart.
I live in dread now that after the iddah she will just write to me saying we are divorced. I don’t know how this is meant to work but I don’t want a divorce.
I heard of something called KHUL, which I have to accept, but I don’t know what it is. I certainly don’t want a divorce and would live the rest of my life with this woman .
I do not have a lot of money but what I have I send to her to support her and the children but I know it is not enough.
I don’t know what to do. I am trying not to contact her but I write to her although she has unplugged the phone so I cannot call her. We used to call every day and talk for at least an hour and we used to email each other daily. All of that has stopped and I feel like I am grieving someone who has died, except I am haunted that she will marry someone else.
I suffer from mental illness – depression and just cannot cope at the moment. I know I am a man and I am supposed to be strong but I am overwhelmed and beg Allah to support me and grant me patience.
Can she just divorce me like in western society? I will do anything to be with her. Please advise me.
Salam aleykum
Nadir
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Something tells me she has never heard the words that you have spoken to the rest of us just now..... Women want and need to hear these things. If you ever get her back, never again take her for granted, I guarantee you now that it's happened once, she'll be able to imagine her life without you in it.
Brother Nadir, Assalamualaikum,
I pray to Allah that He Fixes your problem.
I suggest you to go to her place, talk to her parents, see your child, smile to your wife...
If they talk about Khula, tell them that you were wrong and accept your mistake. And assure that you won't repeat it.
Also tell your wife how much you love her. Assure her parents that you won't repeat your behavior.
There things do happen, brother, but I think your wife has seen a lot of ill behavior from you, which made her choose divorce through Khula.
You need to admit that you were in the wrong and also show that you seriously wish to repair what has happened.
And read the following Dua:
Allahumma la sahla illa ma ja’altahu sahla, wa ‘anta taj-alul hazna idha shi’ta sahla
O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will
In sha Allah, you'll find it easy.
The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi
wa sallam) said, “Verily, the hearts of all the sons of Adam are between the two fingers out of the fingers of the Compassionate Lord as one heart. He turns that to any (direction) He likes. Then Allāh's Messenger (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) said:
”Allahumma ya Muqallib al Quloob thabbit qalbi 'alaa Deenik,”
“O Turner of the hearts, make my heart firm upon Your Religion.”
Remember that the hearts of everyone are between Allah's two fingers. If He Wishes, He Will Turn her heart towards you, your love. And then, in sha Allah, you can both strive towards Allah's Pleasure.
May Allah Forgive our sins that we do knowingly or unknowingly. And May He be Pleased with us
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASSALAMALAIKUM-
PL READ IN THIS WEBSITE THE VERSE ON TALAQ MIGHT HELP CONVINCE HER THAT ALLAH WANTS RECONCILIATION-
(65:1) O Prophet, when you divorce women, divorce them for their waiting-period, *1 and compute the waiting period accurately, *2 and hold Allah, your Lord, in awe. Do not turn them out of their homes (during the waiting period) – nor should they go away (from their homes) *3– unless they have committed a manifestly evil deed. *4 Such are the bounds set by Allah; and he who transgresses the bounds set by Allah commits a wrong against himself. You do not know: maybe Allah will cause something to happen to pave the way (for reconciliation). *5
http://www.quranenglish.com/tafheem_quran/065.htm
The intention of this verse is further explained by a few other Ahadith which have been reported from the Holy prophet (upon wham be Allah's peace) ai d some of the major Companions. Nasa'i has related that the Holy Prophet was informed
That a person had pronounced three divorces on his wife in one sitting.
He stood up in anger and said:'`Are the people playing with the Book of Allah, although I am present among you?" Seeing the Holy Prophet's extreme anger on this occasion, a person asked: `Should I not go and kill the man?" `Abdur Razzaq has reported about Hadrat `Ubadah bin as-Samit that hi: father pronounced one thousand divorces on his wife. He went before the Holy Prophet (upon whom be peace) and asked his ruling on it. The Holy Prophet said: `By the throe divorces the woman stood separated from him along with Allah': disobedience, and 997 pronouncement remained a: acts of injustice and sin, for which AIlah might punish him if He so willed and forgive him if He so willed. " In the details of the incident concerning Hadrat `Abdullah bin `Umar, which have been related in Daraqutni and Ibn Abi Shaibah, another thing also is that when the Holy Prophet commanded Hadrat `Abdullah bin `Umar to take his wife back, he asked: Had I pronounced three divorces on her, could I have taken her back even then? The Holy Prophet replied: No, she would have stood separated from you, and this would have been an act of sin." In another tradition the Holy Prophet's words arc to the effect: `Had you done this, you would have committed disobedience of your Lord while your wife would have been separated from you."
salam thanks for the post
im not sure what this means. my understanding is that a divorce uttered in anger or when you are not in control of your emotions such as when you are arguing is not valid. that is how it makes sense to me otherwise half of the world would have to divorce because of what they said so i dont think its right. i have read the quran - its the only book i read - and from that it talks about reconciliation more than divorce, which of course shows Allah's love and mercy for us. Naturally I dont want a divorce and I dont really believe my wife does either but she feels trapped now because a process has started - she scared herself after reading loads of stuff about divorce once said is irrevocable and so she thought we were already divorced - but such a state of affairs is not sensible or logical and therefore not possible.
I know i didnt mean what I said and I know my wife didnt mean it either and we made reconciled many times - you see i dont know if then every time she kicked me out it meant i was divorced. I have to be honest here - i am broken and desperate thinking i may never be able to even see my wife again - like i am in prison - and my son - you may not understand what it means and feels like but believe me it is the worst feeling you can have. Allah give me patience and forgiveness and make it a happy ending inshallah.
thanks for your advice
salam
These are the kind of brothers that don’t really deserve a kind woman... I bet this brother will repeat what his wife hated him for because he doesn’t look at her side of the story except his... and all he sees is that when she's on the verge now he wants her back and couldn't give her peace when she was with him..
Most man know how to catch a woman but rarely do they know how to keep her... what makes you treat your wife with ill behavior? What makes you over-step on her rights? Haven’t you heard the prophet PBUH say “the best of you are those who are best to their wives"?
Give your wife some space... let her decide on her own if she wants you back in her life.. Do not pressure her as she knows what's best for her than you do...
And don't take her back because you think you missed her or you love her, because those feelings are really temporary if you don't keep it with its boundaries... if you didn't know how to treat your wife with good for over 2 years, what makes you believe that you know how to treat her now? You think love will bring all the good acts out of you all of a sudden and you will be a good husband? Didn’t you love your wife when you treated her in the worst way? Or love just came now when she's about to leave you?
Brother, get your acts together before you approach your wife and her family.. Show her that you have changed and that you promise yourself and her not to treat her badly and keep your promise no matter what.. Think through it before you do anything,, are you sure that you will keep your wife happy? Will you treat her as she deserves? Will you treat her as if she is your queen?
She doesn't have any security in you, she can't trust you, and she doesn't want you to be close to her,,, show her that you are the man that she choose to marry and so she doesn't regret her decision of getting married to you…
May Allah help you brother, I pray to Allah to make it easy for you.. pray to Allah and make Dua for your wife and repent from crossing the boundaries of your wife and ask her for forgiveness… I hope she forgive you and take you back and I hope that you keep her happy as the happiness of the house lies in the happiness of the wife….
Get a job that pays well and take her to vacations and surprise her with gifts and things that she likes…
I hope you both enjoy yourselves together …. Wish you the best older brother
Assalaamu Alaikum Nadir
I am sorry to hear your predicament. This is quite complex mainly because we have not heard your wife's side of the story as well. We get questions on the site from sisters in seemingly similar situations to your wife and the general advice is to seek divorce or at least get away from the person into a 'safe environment.' In most cases, its usually the wife getting physically abused but sometimes it can be the other way around. In which case the same thing applies: get away from the abuser into a safe environment.
I dont know exactly what you did but violence in any form is intolerable. Your wife has every right to have left - I commend her for her courage because it's not easy for every woman to leave. I hope you understand that. In fact its incredibly difficult to leave someone you love or are married to. So she really must be scared of you to have left/must really fear for her safety. I want you to think about something if you can put yourself in someones shoes. Imagine if you loved someone very much and cared for them - your own spouse. Imagine if this person you trusted to look after you was violent with you. How would that make you feel?
If she does not feel safe with you then it is not a healthy basis for a marriage or for a family life.
By now you are probably thinking what is the point of this, as Im telling you stuff you already know. But its important to think about it.
What it boils down to is: it is your wife's decision ultimately.
If you want to be with her then work on yourself and prove to her and her family that you are changing - give her time to let her see and if she considers it give her time. Dont pressurise her to move back in with you. That is if she considers it. Changing yourself and proving you have changed will be a long gruelling process but it cannot be rushed.
If she remains adamant that she wants a divorce you need to respect her decision no matter how hard that is for you. If this is the case then do not hassle her or contact her or stalk her in any way. If you love her truly you will want what is best for her.
Which leads me to another important question you need to ask yourself:
Do you love her? Honestly, truly? In feelings and in actions. What caused you to behave this way to someone you love?
Why do you want to be with her? Be honest with yourself. What can happen sometimes is when someone we care about loses interest in us, or someone leaves us - we suddenly have an interest in them again. It's human nature. Typically you may not notice someone/appreciate them when you have them but once they are gone you feel you love them like mad. If they take you back you stop appreciating them
This is because as humans we always love what we cannot have. So think very carefully about what you feel and whether this is because she has left or because you do actually love her.
Working on yourself.
You say you have mental problems. Have you had any treatment for this? If not do seek this out. I also recommend you consider counselling or some form of therapy and maybe anger management classes. Show her that you are actively changing. It is much easier to do this when supported. I know men find it hard generally to seek therapy but there is nothing wrong with it.
Purify your intention though - dont just do it for her. Do it to please Allah and because you want to become a better person for yourself and your Aakhirah. Put your energy into dealing with these issues because if you dont then chances are these problems may re-occur.
After some time if you find you have improved speak to her family and see if she is willing to reconsider and get to know you again and slowly work towards repairing the marriage.
If she agrees to speak to you tell her how you feel and maybe consider couples counselling if she is willing.
Again if she doesnt agree please respect her wishes.
I hope that you get this issue sorted InshaAllah and that it got you thinking about things in a different way.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salaam
the sister has given a good response i would like to add a bit of detail to it
you have to prove to her that you are willing to change start taking anger management classes with truth and honesty get some counselling for your depression and try and get to the root of your depression what caused it what started it e.g a death, nasty child hood, nasty experience get the drift. but during this time stay away from your wife and child at the same time look for a job don't be fussy on the type of job as so long as it is halal find out who your wife is going through for khula be it the local mosque or shire council and speak to the person dealing with it WITH OUT your wife tell them you wish to better yourself that you respect your wife's wishes and want to give both of you some space that you will continue to send what ever means possible to provide for your wife and child but you would like to have a bit of time to try and FIRST deal with YOUR problems anger, insecurity, depression and so on and that you will keep this person informed of your progress and then once you have achieved this you would like to put forward a chance for Islamic marriage counselling (and this is available you just have to ask) and also try and find out through the person dealing with your wife's khula if there is any other reason she wishes to leave you or if there is any way/ field in which she wishes you to better yourself
i hope this has been of some help
jazakala
Allah Hafiz
oh and there is no quick fix to this it is a long process but you need to have patience and one very important bit you must strengthen your emaan start reading from the heart even if it is one namaaz a day and build on it change the friends you have to those who have a bit more knowledge in Islam start reading about the Quran WHAT THE QURAN SAYS don't just literly read it understand it and you will start seeing positive changes, feelings, emotions and mentally more able and you will begin to deal with life's matters much better
i am now reconciled ot the divorce. you are right - you do not know my wife's side of the story - she was abusive and acted harshly to me - treating me like an accessory - insisting we do not live together, allowing me to see her only when she pleased and then expecting me to leave when she had had enough. the marriage was based on unrealistic and un-manageable criteria and we had a son whom i was not able to see and hold and take to the park - your advice about taking my wife on expensive holidays is immature and materialistic.
Here's the thing - People forgive when they love. i love her and I am a man so i can accept everything. i thought i was able to love her as long as she was faifhful to me but actually her constant verbal abuse, throwing away my clothes, tearing up my books , smashing my car and humiliating comparison of me to her previous boyfriends has made me despise her. Alhamdulilah. Also she had a child from another marriage and this makes a marriage very strained, women today think and expect to have everything but marriage is compromise as well as company.
salam
I also read the final sermon "wives are the committed helpers" of their husbands and in the koran "husbands have a degree of authority over their wives" and in many places I am reading about men taking jariyah, and many things on divorce being allowed but most hated of allowed things by Allah so i think it means yes of course I have to treat my wife with respect and love - my intention was always this anyway - and we have always been sufficiently provided for - i have worked all different kinds of jobs from teaching to catering and have been looking for a job since February but also look - my wife kicked me out and in winter and had to sleep in a park and i lost my job because of it so Im admitting yes I was bad - but please see the bigger picture. I only asked my wife to be faithful but I realised all the arguing and the constant kicking me out undermined our marriage.
I love her and will stay alone for the rest of my life if i have to because everything about her is the best Ive ever seen and known. There is a lot more i can not say but it is enough to say we both "have issues" of every kind.
obviously i dont contact her or go to visit and i send money when i can and i do pray for everything to be as Allah wills and for me to accept but please can i have my wife back. thats what i say.
of course you are right about me having a job - i will do anything halal i can - i'd even work in a restaurant that sells alcohol for example if that was available but believe me it is not easy finding work today. Im doing more training to help my find teaching work.
My family have not helped me at all reconcile and insist we divorce. i actually have noone. and feel like this is all happening outside of my control.
Brother Nadir,
I recommend you to read the following books:
Winning the heart of your wife
Prophet Muhammad - The Best of all Husbands
I think you should directly speak to your wife and tell her that you can live a peaceful life and you are ready to co-operate. If Allah Wills, she will listen and agree to reconcile. Keep those people away from the picture, who intend to part you.
I know finding a job is difficult, but if you trust in Allah and proceed, in sha Allah, you'll find positive results. I pray that Allah Gives you what is Best.
Aameen
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
ASA.. People forgive but forgiving doesnt mean reconciling. You were violent and as a man didnt provide a stable living situation in which she could live without fear. Also, ALLAH swt doesnt intend for women to be treated as doormats and to be told they cant and shouldnt be able to divorce. Her lifs amd its her decision NOT yours
Salam Nadir,
I don't feel bad for you. You and my husband are just a like. You guys drive us crazy because you have a "jealousy" problem. We are not going to run away. Your wife was just sick of your junk. My husband doesn't come home from work and kisses me he comes home from work and runs to all the windows to make sure all curtains are closed,etc. You seem like you are doing the same thing. Please no one delete this message. Let him know hes wrong. You men treat women like junk. When a man is to strict and doesn't show his wife anything but jealousy. The wife is unhappy, and she look for happiness somewhere else. I don't want to get angry even more so I'm going to say good luck. Salam 🙂
Salam Nadir
So sorry to hear your sadness but probably you are already late in regrets. Women are so
Patience but when they got full, they firmly decide to forget.
I have lived with my husband for near 5 years and we have a 4 year old son.
The 5 years time is too long for his financial instability, cruelty in words and indecent
Accusations to his wife and to her mother, plus inspite of fighting for love to his son per se,
He never really worked nor has given his son his rights.
In short, I surrendered and filed a khula with dubai court. In 9 months. Dubai
Shariah has granted me the khula with custody.
Now as per my researches as to what happens next, khula by court the husband
Has No any right to contest, or else the woman's right wasnt fulfilled at first place.
Yes, it is considered a first divorce and since islam has 3 divorces thi mean that the husband
Can take again his wife for 2 more chances BUT IF AND WHEN THE EXWIFE ACCEPTS HIS PROPOSAL
aGAIn and in which case you both need to make NEW nikah with new dowry. Simply because dueing the
Khula granted by the shariah court, your old marriage has been legally cancelled by the
Court.
if and when she wont accept you, it is actually haram for you to be chasing her if
Khula is done, islamically you are not anymore her husband.
But insha ALLAH she accepts you again, but seldom a tired woman will.
There is really no point in going back to hell once more, its just totally hateful.
That is why it is always said, love your wife the best you can, treat her with kindness.
If you do, she never goes out of you but will serve and love you to death.
hope I answered some of your doubts, based on my experience.
Salam
asadsister, who is all this fury directed at? If your marriage is so terrible, get out. Islam gives you ways to end a bad marriage. Either ask your husband for talaq, or, if he refuses, seek khulah - which does not require the man's agreement. You indicated in your comment that you already left the man, then returned. So who do you have to blame except yourself? Why you would try to blame the Islamic religion for your own personal choices?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear asadasister
Please do not blame Islam for your Ulma's decision about your life..take your own life in your own hands and go to someone who will provide you with honest islamic advice..divorce is disliked in Islam however it is PERMISSABLE if there is unjust behaviour in the marriage..I understand that this must be one of the hardest decisions of your life but please research Islam properly...go to different imams/Ulmas and get many different approaches to your situation. Once you have covered all avenues only YOU can make the decision for yourself!
Salaam sister, sorry to hear about your hardships. I can understand your pain and frustration. I went through something similar in my marriage, and I felt anger and resentment towards my husband, myself and my family ! I couldnt make sense of why god would put me through so much hardship and let me marry a man who would treat me so badly, even though I hadn't committed any major sins. I felt like giving up and my Imaan was the lowest it had ever been. But I slowly realised that this is a test from Allah, even the prophets (peace me upon them) who were so beloved to Allah went through major trials and hardships, but they remained patient. This resentment and anger are whispers from the shaytaan, he's pushing you further down into misery and hopelessness. You need to be strong, start praying sincerely, try to slowly and gently help your husband come closer to islam and develop his relationship with Allah swt. His behaviour at the moment is nothing to do with islam. Islam is full of guidance on how to treat your spouse with kindness and respect and if he understood and applied this he would treat you so much better. He has shown some hope of improvement - as you said he is no longer physically aggressive towards you. Talk to him, seek counselling, be gentle in your approach. If despite your efforts your husband is still not improving or is harming you, then islamically you have the right to apply for Khula and detach yourself from him. Islam doesn't forbid divorce if you have valid reasons to leave a marriage. Please turn to Allah SWT, perform istikhara and keep yourself busy. May Allah swt give you comfort and make things easy for you, and place utmost love and respect in yours husbands heart for you, ameen.
Why are you cursed if you leave him yourself? The whole point of a khula is that if your not happy or your husband isn't fulfilling his rights and won't change then you leave the marriage. If you don't want this marriage and are living a life of hell and would rather die, then leave. Free yourself. If you see some hope and want to make the marriage work then work towards that. You sound very angry and resentful, how long have you been married and what have you tried so far to help the marriage? Have you considered counselling or speaking to a professional to identify the problems within your marriage and to try to understand your husbands behaviour. Has he always been this way or has something happened for him to become like this. Marriage is complex, and it requires hard work from both sides.
I'm not trying to sway you either way but the Khula is your right, the decision can be made even if your hhsband doesn't agree. If your in the uk then contact the shariah counsel and they will guide you.
Also if your living with him but being negative then perhaps even if your hhsband wants to change or love you properly he is finding it difficult.
Personally, although im having to go through divorce myself it's something that I would not normally advise unless all attempts have been exhausted. I see some hope in ur husband from what you have described, he's refraining from physical violence, and he has begged for you to return to him, so he wants the marriage, maybe with counselling etc he may start to understand that other aspects of his behaviour are hurtful and wrong and he'll put some effort into changing himself?
Pls keep praying and may Allah SWT guide you and make things easy for you ameen.
As Salamalaikum
My name is Imran, Me and my wife had lots of misunderstanding between each other.
we did not have time for each other to clarify our misunderstanding coz she was at her mothers place
after 15 days she gave an application in masjid that she cant live without me
and i was forced to accept khula from masjid people.
Masjid people did not give me time to speak to my wife and clarify our doubts
Masjid people aslo did not allow me to speak to my wife and clarify doubts
Later after one week we both cleared mis understanding by chatting on facebook
and now i wanted to know accepting the khula by force and by false misunderstanding is valid in islam
Please reply to this its about my life coz i love my wife a lot
Imran, I can't say whether the khulah was valid or not. However, if you want to remarry her you can make a new nikah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor