He loves me but can’t marry me; asks me to be with him until he gets married
Hello, good day everyone. im new here and the reason why i brought myself here is bcoz of my current situation.
Im a catholic and i hve a pakistani bf for 7 months now. all is well between us, we go along very well, we love each other so much. we also hve plans for our future and btw i am living in philippines right now and we both agreed that we will move and work in dubai.
so to make the story short we hve plans for our future until one day he told me that his parents are making arrange marriage for him and it will be held 2 years frm now. I was shocked.. it feels like im slowly dying inside.
it feels like my heart stabbed so many times that the pain is unbereable. I love him so much and i knw he feels the same way. the most painful words that i heard frm him is when he said that he cant say no to his parents for it will bring shame to his family.
Words cant express how much PAIN im bearing right now. i dont think i can go on with my life without him 🙁 He told me to stay wth him until he gt married, i wanted to.. but part of me is saying not to for i knw that i can only be wth him for 2 years. what will i do?? pls i need your advice. i am so lost 🙁 help me...
- Zhay29
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Salams Zhay29,
It is plain offensive and insulting for that man to ask you to be with him for 2 years before he gets married. it hurts and is very disappointing to you. He wants to use you then leave you out in the cold when his marriage comes through. You are much more worth than being a space filler. You shall be blessed with a good man who knows your worth and is willing to fight for you.
I think you should cut all ties with him, dont contact him and just forget all about him, however hard it may be. It the best course of action. it will get better with time and you wont regret that choice. He is a cheat who does not want to take one for you. If he truly loved you, he would do more than ask you to be with him till he gets married the toss you aside. You can and will be happy without him.
Salamz
Newgirl.
salaam
quite right sister i agree with you, do not allow him to use you your gut instinct is not wrong go with it and leave him i cannot believe that he dared to ask you to live him till he marries someone else he disgusts me leave him i know it will be hard but trust me you will be better off and although you are not a muslim he can islamicly still marry you and if did he would not have used that shameful exuse of shame on his family he knew what he was doing
allah hafiz
Zhay, I agree with the previous commentor. It is very selfish on his part to ask you to stay with him until he gets married. This shows that he is using you like a toy who will entertain him for two years until he gets married. If you have any bit of self-esteem tell him that he is the first and last mistake you will not be tripped over to fit his needs of when he wants you. Tell him to go to hell. You deserve someone who treats you with love and handles your needs with respect. By saying this he is insulting you, my dear.. I feel sorry for you..
I am surprise you didnt get angry and leave him as soon as he told you to stay with him for two years until he gets married. u will be wasting two years of your life. I cant believe someone would ask for such a thing, how selfish. dont agree to that, it hurts now but if you stay with him you will be hurting much worst 2 years from now as well. I think you deserve much better, i hope you think so too.
Assalamu'alaikum,
Others have said it well. I don't understand how he can ask you to be with him for the next two years. What after that? Use you until he gets another woman? Is this what you think you deserve? Do you not deserve respect?
Islam does not honor a relation outside marriage, sister. This man is wrong to be with you for a day, forget the past seven months or the next two years. The relation between you both puts him in the danger before Allah, The Only God. You deserve respect as a woman and not a person like this man. It is clear that he wants pleasure, in that he wants you to spend two years with him.
Do not believe him, he may get married after two years and come back, leaving his wife in Pakistan, and spend time with you away from home. Religion must not be a concern for him at all, before we talk about a "Muslim-Christian marriage". You should let this man literally "Get Lost" and consider your life and your Hereafter and relationship with Allah better. Tell him that he isn't being a good Muslim, but destroying his Hereafter.
You are a Christian and he is a Muslim. But what we Muslims stand for is justice and truth, even if it was against ourselves. This is what was taught by the final Messenger and a bother of Jesus, the son of Mary - Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be on them.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mash'ALLAH What A True Saying
Okay.. It just seems like he's too scared to face the music.. so he'd rather just go along with things as his parents plan for him.. he clearly likes your company or he wouldn't be with you..
Yes.. It does seem as though he's using you.. but the fact that he told you of his plans.. shows that he's not "playing" you.. & he didn't really have to tell you
I think it just boils down to him not having enough guts to fight for you.. simple..
So I would suggest you leave him unless you don't mind wasting a load of emotions and time on this guy..
OMG!! Leave him right away!! Obviously he doesn't respect you, and it might seem like he loves you, but he actually doesn't. Someone who loves you doesn't play with your feelings like that. You love him so much, love blinds. Besides, you will only get attached to him more and more, and it would make it more difficult in 2 years. And as Abu Abdul Bari said, he might go get married and then come back to you. Do you want that? Him being married while you remain as the other woman? You deserve so much better!! It might be difficult now, it might seem like he's the air you breathe. Think, if you're like this now, how would it be in 2 years? Please, don't denigrate yourself like that.
Salam'alaykum kabayan,
Everyone said the truth. You need to run far far away from that man. He seems to be using you. It is possible that once he got married, you are going to be his extra marital partner or possibly dump you after two years of fullfiling his evil desires. Its forbidden in Islam and in your religion. The emotional feelings will fade with time so don't make it difficult on yourself by staying with him for two more years and then the pain of break up might get really worst.
Please respect yourself, and respect your sister in humanity (that Pakistani guy's wife-to-be). Don't be a reason for her disappintment ok.
P.S. Siya ay masamang tao at sinungaling kase wala siyang hiya at siya ay maruming tao. At kase kayong dalawa ay mak ka ibang relihion at hindi siya magiging siryoso sayo. Pang lipas oras lang yan.
Iniinbitahan kita na magmuslim o sumapi ka sa amin relihion.
In Islam there is no such thing as a secret relationship. After a marriage it is the Prophet Muhammad PBUH's sunnah, or act, to invite everyone to a public banquet from the male's side to declare their marriage publically.
So you need to break off this relationship immediately and show some self-respect you are not a mistress. Don't allow him to take away your value as a woman. Empower yourself.
Any regret should be filled with joy for the horror you would have avoided with an unwanted pregnancy, a delinquent father, etc.
Salam to all,
To zhay, i knw its hard to accept the fact that ur bf is marrying someone else but its part of their culture n tradition unlike us filipinos. I too have an indian bf n his going to get marry nxt month to a girl his parents choice.So hurt but i did try my best to accept wat my destiny is n guess wat i didnt leave him i cured my heartache through being a friend to him. I just love him that much to understand him. But its ur own decision, for me to love someone is to let them choose wat way they want to go n support them not to be in the way we want.
Trust Allah, if he takes away someone it means He will replace it with someone better.
Allah hafiz,
May
Sister,
Why waste two years of your life with any guy who lets you know up front that he cannot make a life with you? You know what you need to do, just end things. You deserve better and you deserve someone who isn't going to use you for his convenience.
Salam
My dear
Believe me - that he was to have an arranged marriage ''evetually'' was not unknown to him when he met you. He knew this betrothal would ultimately be the case as this practice is his ''culture'' - he knew that one day he would need to take a stance on this and would need to make this stance clear to his family if he was unwilling to have an arranged marriage. Now he may have genuinely liked you and so indulged in a relationship with you but it was unfair of him to initiate this relationship with that knowledge to begin with.
What's worse is, beneath this impending reality, he allowed both himself and you to indulge in the fantasy of a promised ''future'' and so lead you to invest so much of yourself emotionally within this false sense of ''commitment''.
And worst of all, taking you for granted to the point that he has the audacity to ask you to see him through this period until his wedding and to assume that you would willingly comply to this level of self-martyrdom given your affection for him is a perversion of love itself and reflects his emotional immaturity- - - if he truly loved you, he would want to protect you from this hurt, not inflict more and then prolong it so as to use you as an emotional crutch because you are ''familiar'' to him, unlike his ''bride-to-be''.
As everyone else has posted dear, you deserve better. He is a grown man, not a child, and he has ''chosen'' not to stand up for this relationship. He has ''chosen'' to accept his family's decision. And he has not ''chosen'' to put you first.
Now you must choose to put yourself first and make choices of your own. And not make them under the shadow of the memories of your relationship such that they may sway you to desperation and need for him. And the best way to do this, is to distance yourself from him for enough time so that you may decide what ''you'' really want for your future.
And although the choice seems obvious - it must ''genuinely'' come from within you, in that you must regain your sense of self-confidence and self-worth such that you ''choose'' to leave him because you know that this is NOT the kind of abuse you would tolerate from any man and that this is not the life and the future and the kind of relationship you want, you were willing to marry this man and have a life with him - so why ever settle for less than you are willing to give? To do this is to debase yourself as a woman.
But, despite what we all advise, you must ''believe'' this - because anything less will mean you faultering in future and ending up right back with him after he gives you some ''painful poetic sing-song'' of how much he ''misses you'' and ''needs you'' and how ''hurt he is about this whole situation'' and how ''it's not what he wants but he cannot disappoint anyone'' (Remember - he HAD the choice to fight for you)...
You need to get to the point where you realise that you are not dependant on him for your happiness and the only way to do this, is to focus on yourself again. Reconnect with the person you were before you met him and become a stronger person for having learnt what you did from this relationship and having made the choice to leave and to demand better for yourself.
Take heart, time will heal, even though it does not seem that way now...
"You need to get to the point where you realise that you are not dependant on him for your happiness and the only way to do this, is to focus on yourself again. Reconnect with the person you were before you met him and become a stronger person for having learnt what you did from this relationship and having made the choice to leave and to demand better for yourself."
MashaAllah Rabia, this is fantastic advice. You have to believe it yourself sister and you do have the strength - so seek it. I pray that God gives you the strength.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mashallah, this has helped me out a lot. May Allah bless you and give you Jannah as well as all my Muslim brothers and sisters. I am in pain myself but I have realized that I was the one who has made the choice to leave and that to me was something that I felt so proud of. To be able to make the effort to leave someone you love deeply and demand better for yourself is so difficult but once you do it you will not regret it, Inshallah because it is coming from you and you can sleep better at night knowing that you have made your decision and he wasn't the one who did and left you powerless.
Jazakallah khair for your strong wise words.
-Starclusters
Hello Sister!
My Advice Might Hurt you! but it is reality that You can be with him as his first Wife as he and you are engaged to be life partners.... without marriage you can't take him as he will mis-use you as a palying toy and change you with other one after two years???? It is Rediculous to know that A Muslim man is saying such a thing where sincerity towards his wife of wives are truely considered... I wish that He Marry you and then may fulfil his parents wish to and so justice towards Both of you if He and You realy Love Each other....
and If you are Truely a Practicing Christian then Don't Ever Engage in immoral Relation with him as he will ruin your life!
And time is in your and, Convince him not marry on Parents choice if he realy Love you and to spend his life with you!
Thanks Sister!
and May Allah (God) Accept you as a Life Partner with Him
Asalamualaikum Sister,
As I am reading this, I see so much similarities in my own situation that I wrote a post about. The man I loved didn't want to marry me because he wanted to marry someone else from his country. From my own experience and from my heart I want to tell you to cut off all contact with him IMMEDIATELY. If you decide to be with him until he gets married which you say may be in 2 years then the day he gets married he will do two things:
1. He will stop all contact with you:
You will go insane. You will be so used to talking with him that you will want to constantly call him, text him or search for another way to contact him because of the loss of control you have felt. It will hit you like a brick that he is gone forever and you will be the one who will end up feeling extreme distress, hurt, misery and you will definitely feel like you have been used. You may not feel it now as much but you will feel it then and the pain will be 1000x worse.
2. He will continue speaking to you:
This is equally bad because it will put a strain in his relationship with his new wife. Remember that his wife is innocent, she has no fault in this. She has nothing to do with the relationship you had with him before marriage so she should not need to suffer because of it. You will be considered the "other woman" and from what I can see is that you are a wonderful woman and you deserve much better than that.
I understand how bad it feels when you hear things like "I can't marry you because..." of something you have no control over. Trust me I was devastated when I heard those words from him. This is why in our religion we have to take not talking to the opposite sex seriously. We need to know beforehand if the person is ready for marriage BEFORE getting involved with them. This does not mean if they are willing to get married in the future but it means if they are willing to get married to YOU. I have been burned like this myself but I am taking the opportunity to take my mistake and help you make the right choice. If I could go back in time the one thing I would change is never talking to him and when he approached me I should have said "I fear Allah" but what is done is done, I pray Allah will forgive me and Inshallah I will say that in the future if any one else approaches me again.
Please stay far away from him. Stop all contact and improve your relationship with your Lord. If you are not Muslim then I invite you to look into Islam. Every time you want to speak to him, speak to your family instead. Every time you want to text him, text your friends instead. Inshallah with time you will heal and have in your mind and heart that I am healing with you but it will require some effort on your part. If you do not stop contact with him then there is a good chance you will not get over him and if you choose to speak to him until he gets married then the pain of seeing him get married to her and you being replaced will be greater than you breaking it off right now. At least now you have the control.
I pray God protects your heart, guides you and gives you someone who will love you and take good care of you. Someone who will never say the same words as he did. I hope and pray that you, all my Muslim brothers and sisters as well as all mankind never be rejected for the wrong reasons or reasons beyond our control, Inshallah Ameen.
-Starclusters
Hi Sister....
He is using you in a way......
no offence.
and Please sister try to stay away from him; I know it's hard to do that but you have to do that.
He is no good for you...
He himself is shame!
Simple THIS GUY IS USING YOU AND HE IS ABOUT TO SPOIL SOME OTHER INNOCENT GIRL"S LIFE TOO. IN SHORT HE IS PLAYING WITH THE LIFE OF TWO INNOCENT WOMEN.
Stay away from him,
I just can't stand the crap about "dishonoring the family", where was that in the first place when he wanted to have a relationship with you, and when HE has the audacity to ask you to stay with him for 2 more years, till he gets MARRIED, Are you serious ? Do you have such low self-esteem which makes it okay to take crap from this guy, twice..........
Don't meet him in person, don't get physical with him even through online means.
My sister in Humanity,
He is disturbing in so many levels, I am thankful to god that you did not meet in person and things did not get out of hand, Consider that a blessing from God. I am ashamed to say this but mostly non-practising Muslim men try to do the hit-and-run trick with Non-Muslim women as they think it is normal in their cultures which I think is outrageous, every women should be Respected and it becomes bounding upon a Muslim man to respect women and only share his intimacy with his wife and not break the heart of any women let it be Muslim or Non Muslim
I know you are not a Muslim, but I advice you to seek GOD purely and ask him to guide you toward him which is the only true love all else is superficial which tries to emulate the real love which we can have to god
Firstly,
you said "he said that he cant say no to his parents for it will bring shame to his family."
so what he is doing now, if his parents get to know will it bring respect? Did he not think about that ?
Is he playing with you?
you said "He told me to stay wth him until he gt married"
stay and do what ?? spoil your life ?
Islam does not permit these types of relationships. Ask him to fear Allah.
You are a woman. And a woman is not a tissue that can be used and thrown. Have your respect sister.
Stop getting into these types of relationship. They can just ruin your life. Allah knows best.
Secondly,
As you have been here
I would like to tell you about Islam
We Muslims worship Allah - the only one GOD who created you and me and all that exists.
The GOD of Adam, Noah , Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Muhammed (peace be upon them) and all.
why did Jesus(peace be upon him) the son of Mary (may Allah be pleased with her) came to this earth?
Jesus came to teach people about ALLAH. He came to teach people to worship none but ALLAH alone without associating any partners with HIM.
Allah says
“And I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship Me (Alone)”
{Quran 51:56}
_________________
Allah alone deserves to be worshiped.
HE has no father, mother, brother, sister or son.
HE is not like us.
There is no one like HIM.
Allah says,
Say, "He is Allah , [who is] One,
"Allah-us-Samad (The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks).
He neither begets nor is born,
"And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him."
(Quran 112: 1-4)
__________________________
what is the purpose of this life? just study, earn, marry, children and die or there is more to it?
Do you know that this life is temporary?? and we will die and will be raised up again and there is going to be a day of judgement?
Please Research about Islam. See how it makes sense inshaAllah.
I want you to be saved from the hell fire and enter Heaven so I invite you to Islam.
Here are some links for you where you can learn more about Islam inshaAllah
-> quran(dot)come
- > Invitation2Islaam(dot)wordpress(dot)com
replace above (dot) by . and paste and search in your address bar
__________________
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Dear sister,it upsets me so much to hear that you are in so much pain,u can go on and must go on without him,he doesn't deserve you,this man is basically saying that you are not good enough for him or his family,and that you would bring shame upon his family,I don't think he could possibly insult you more! He is using u till marriage then will dump you like garbage when he gets married,his behavior is an embarrassment to Islam.this man does not love you for if he did he would face his family and marry you.you deserve someone who is proud of you,loves you and wants you to be a part of his family forever,this man does not deserve your love,save your love for your future husband.
Salaam sister, I dont know what the outcome of this was however I do pray that you left this man. I was in this situation as in - I married the man who told another woman to be with him until he gets married, when I found out [after I got married] it was too late for me to do anything. Not a day goes by that I dont think about it. You will be ruining someone elses future, another sister, think about this very carefully. Its very heart breaking to be married to someone who resorts to stuff like this. Treat others the way you wish to be treated, dont be with him -this is just cheating an innocent woman who has no control over this situation.
Wake up before its too late.
I am facing the same situation and really wants to leave. He is is holding me back and i don't know what to do. I want to be back to where i am before i met him and i hope i didn't met him at all. it really is so frustrating to hear such work that there is no forever for us but i love you. I am so confused, my mind is saying to leave but he is holding back my heart. 🙁
My guy has been refusing to marry me since 3 years. Every time i bring up the subject he blatantly tells me he cannot marry me as he has promised his mother he would marrybthe girl of her choice. Wwe have had so many break ups and make ups, and everytime we break up it is me whonalways goes back to him. I have also threatened him that i am getting proposals to which he sqys go aheqd, i am happy for you. A few days backnon a minor quarrel he again broke up with me. What shud i do plz help me. I really love him n i have even turned down a few proposals because of him
rabia, move on. He's not going to marry you. Cut off your contact with him and accept one of the other proposals you received.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam alaikum Rabia,
If you re-read what you wrote, you can clearly see that you are being foolish sister and you are sacrificing your time and future for someone who clearly disrespects and devalues you. Please move on and don't look back.
May Allah guide you and give you strength and wisdom to make the best decision for yourself, Ameen.
You are right saba and wael but u just cannot forget him. The more i try the more i end up wanting him. I really need to rid myself from him and i am not finding it easy 🙁
That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard !! So he's not willing to commit to you and doesn't even want to tell his parents about you, but he wants to stay with you for two years until he gets married ? What an idiot !
Leave him, he is clearly using you - either he commits to you or you leave him!! Have some self respect don't stay with him until he gets married, you'll be wasting two precious years of your life with someone who doesn't value or respect you, you could meet,and marry a nice guy by that time who loves you instead of wasting it with this guy.
The ultimate decision is yours but if a guy said this to me I would give him an ultimatum and leave him if he didn't commit.
Sorry to hear that you are suffering. run as fast as you can away from him. Typical Pakistani men and they are jerks
He only want to enjoy with your body until he gets married...... Sex Pervert
Oh my goodness, I was searching "he is Muslim and he told me he cannot marry me". I am so lucky to have found this webpage.
I met a Muslim man a few months ago, and he began flirting with me. I have seen him at the shop for many years and I never even noticed him, but since he started talking and flirting with me, I began to notice him, and I started falling for him.
Eventually he took my number and he kissed me in a storeroom at the shop. We have been talking online messaging for a few weeks now and have kissed a few more times. But he has been very pushy for more than just kissing, to which I have said "NO".
He then told me that he just wants to be straight and upfront with me because he is not a liar, and that there is no future for me in a relationship with him because he will be returning to India. I said to him that I have always wanted to go to India, he said no, he cannot be in a relationship with me nor can I come to India, because I am not a Muslim and his parents will not accept me.
He has told me this scenario several times, he also said that he does not want to break my heart.
I realised that he is already breaking my heart and so I told him that we cannot see each other anymore.....
I miss him so much, I really hoped that he is the one whom God had sent to me..... I have had so much bad luck in relationships in my life and have always been with an abusive man.....
I am so depressed and sad, because when I realised that I liked him and that I wanted to see him, I turned back to God, I prayed, I confessed and I begged for forgiveness from God. I suddenly felt so close and so loved by God for the first time in many many many years.
Now it feels like God is playing this awful game with me, where he constantly sends me men like this, to hurt me, over and over and over.
I will never ever understand why I am so punished like this.