Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Second marriage for both of us… however I’m Christian

unmarried couple in love

Hello, I'm writing to try to shine a fresh light into a very unique encounter in my life. I'm divorce, 2 sons, I live in USA, however I'm an immigrant myself, from another country. So I gave myself a trip last year and I enter a chat site to get some tips that I could use on during the trip. things like, where to stay, where to go, how to move around... very normal question I wanted to ask locals.  so I "met" (virtually) few guys, some offer good tips, some were just hoping for a savior, some asked me for money. .... after a while I started to chat with someone that it was just amazing.... I knew after a while that it was different, and he knew as well.. so he works at that city I was to visit, and he talked about marriage, and I was completely comfortable with that... after we talked about almost everything.... He just realized that he had just come out of a divorce and he was not ready to commit( I totally understand ) therefore he said we could not meet.... I was in disbelieve.... so after lots of chat, and some phone calls.... he said we could met however I had to stay in a hotel..... I accepted...of course...

meeting him was the most amazing think it ever happened to me, I trusted him blindly... I just go into his car and never for one second doubted his intensions.... it was a very strong very strong connection....  he dropped me off and when home to sleep... the next day it was very intense... we kissed ...but the cloud came... he could not "relax" because he knows that we should not do anything out of the wedlock.... and I could marry him on the spot.  So the  situation was tense... until he told me that for the few  days I was there... we would stay together.... however once I leave..it was over. ...so I had no choice but to accept.  fast forward to my departure date... and I could not get him to agree on another meeting or considering getting married. (because I'm Christian, living in usa... and taller than him) as I was still at the airport we exchanged love vows, and I felt... no I knew it was real.... very real... the sense of security he gave me was unbelievable, it was all I had ask god for in life .... I cried my 14h flight back home... I could not bear the possibility of not seeing him again. he is very rational... and he can find problems everywhere.. and I can find solutions for every problem he finds... and we argue, because I don't accept that we cannot be together, after all... "where is a will its a way"

I am willing to relocate, or to bring him here or to move anywhere he chooses. .... however he decided to suffocate that "love" and to forget about it.  I honestly will never understand. once you come out of a failed marriage you totally understand that marriage is the wiliness of 2 people to stay together... and that you don't want to risk another "try" if you don't think it can work.

so we argue, I cried.... and cried and cried... and I try to move on, I try to meet people... I honestly try... but it always brings me back to him.  so I realize that I'm wasting my time trying to find what I already found.

its there a way I could approach this situation?.. its there something in the Quran that I can "tell him" so he understands that I'm not joking? that sometimes  life is not that perfect...but we can be happy by respecting one another... and that my respect and admiration for Islam is immense, and my loyalty towards him is very pure and sincere? I am willing to help him with his kids... and even to get his ex wife a visa to come see the kids here in USA.  because I believe if you really, honestly love someone you love everything the "belongs" to him, and I would embrace this situation as my own, to care and adore him.... until we die.... not for a season, but for a life time.

its there a light at the end of this tunnel?..

thank you

Fabi

 

 


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9 Responses »

  1. OP: the next day it was very intense... we kissed ...but the cloud came... he could not "relax" because he knows that we should not do anything out of the wedlock.... and I could marry him on the spot. So the situation was tense... until he told me that for the few days I was there... we would stay together.... however once I leave..it was over. ...so I had no choice but to accept.

    So not much happened because he could not relax. You still want to marry him.

  2. Dear sister,
    His issue has nothing to do with your religion. He is not ready for marriage again just like he told you. He is still healing from his last marriage. If you love him a lot, let him heal continue to stay friends until he is ready. Being friends is the most important thing in a marriage. When you are good friends, you can make a good team and life partner. Believe me I would know. I ve been married three times. My first marriage my husband passed away but the second marriage was a lesson learned that was life changing and I do not trust many men now. The only man I trust now is my husband honestly because we are such great friends actually best friends. You need to focus on your friendship with him and take your time. Do not rush him or you will only make him want to distance himself. The more you push him to marriage the more scared he will be. He is unsure of things still. Build a wonderful friendship then he can trust he will not be hurt.

  3. Sister run from him like never before. He can take care of himself and you have no need to be so ' understanding' or trusting.

  4. OP: I am willing to relocate, or to bring him here or to move anywhere he chooses. .... however he decided to suffocate that "love" and to forget about it. I honestly will never understand. once you come out of a failed marriage you totally understand that marriage is the wiliness of 2 people to stay together... and that you don't want to risk another "try" if you don't think it can work.......... until he told me that for the few days I was there... we would stay together.... however once I leave..it was over. ...so I had no choice but to accept....

    and he talked about marriage, and I was completely comfortable with that...........He clearly told you "we would stay together" and once you leave it will be over. This does not look very Islamic. I am sure you both were intimate during your stay. What country did you go to for your vacation?

    • I think he just said he'd stay to make her trip worthwhile. He already decided for whatever reason that he wouldn't be getting married. Also they only kissed and he freaked out about it they didn't get intimate.

    • It sounds like the reasons you listed:

      "because I'm Christian, living in usa... and taller than him"

      seem to be issues with him. Perhaps you being taller than him is a major issue, perhaps it's just that you're Christian. The love is clearly there but unless someone talks to him and explains how women value things in a man and show him that the marriage with you will be successful he is reluctant to move forward.

      For some guys, a height difference is enough to kill a relationship. They feel they can't fulfill the male "protector" role if they have to ask their wife to reach for something for them. It depends on person to person but if you want to keep pursing him it's going to be your sales pitch as to how good things can be to convince him.

      • I think that if he is going purely by you not being Muslim you are taller or live in the USA is pure crap. Ask him if this is the reason why. We need to quit guessing and judging him as well sisters and try to think the best of him. I really think he had a bad divorce and doesn't ever want to go through the hell it can be. Sister you really need to communicte with him communication is key to any relationship, get inside his mind sister.

  5. I don't know Quran verses and am christan as well but willing to convert to muslim especially if i go to iraq with my husband. I need a stonger religous life and i love their belifs, values and them as people . Are you willing to convert is an important question? I think that maybe religion is part of the problem now that I read he told you this was the reason but I think it's more then just that. I believe he isn't ready to trust anyone. How long ago was his divorce? Research studies prove it takes at least two years to get over a divorce and emotionally ready for another relationship. Sorry sisters for any misunderstandings. Really if this isn't the reason that I think it is I would move on sister..

    • So in conclusion if you are willing to wait for him to heal, convert to Muslim and be patient and understanding of his undecisive ways then go for it. If you are willing to do all these things he will see what a good wife you will be. I hope the best for you two. I see potential. He is just scared of being hurt again it wouldn't matter who you are he would still be unsure and scared. I wish you the best.

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