Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Advice on staying in the marriage or divorcing

Unhappy marriage

Salams. I am married for 10 yrs with 2 kids. I have been having problems with my spouse after my kids have been born. My husband and I have many differences and we also had alot of misunderstandings caused because of my family, my character, etc. He is a person who keeps grudges and finds it hard to forgive. Previously there were instances when my family members had offended him, like 8 yrs back but I believe he still carries them in him as he feels I did not stand up for him as a wife. My husband feels that women are always a step lower than men.

The worst part of our marriage is he has been having multiple affairs with women who come to my country to work part-time. Each time I discover, he does not apologise or feel remorse but just cites my flaws and that's why he has had affairs. I cannot accept them. I have made mistakes in the marriage and I have asked for forgiveness but I think he is very revengeful. Over the years, he has had many affairs, never supported me, drinks alcohol, gambled and accumulated many debts and made me take many loans for him under my name. Now I feel like a fool as he is not paying back the loans. Recently, I also discovered that he is still continuing his affair with a lady he knew in 2013 and has posted pictures of them on social media and is still maintaining the account. I lost trust in him a few yrs ago when I discovered his first affair. I have seen pictures and videos of him being sexually close to these women. Although it is hard to erase them from my memory, I stayed for my boys and also because my husband always threatens when i mention divorce. He said I won't get the kids and he will not pay any of my loans if I leave.  I am very fearful of him as he has hit me whenever he gets very angry during our squabbles.

After his recent affair, I told him since he continues with this woman I rather leave. He did not say anything but continued staying out with her. I feel that he was not a responsible husband and left the care of the children mostly to me. I had a talk with him to decide. He told me that if I want to leave, its up to me but he said he will surely be nasty and make things difficult for me in the route to a divorce. He also gave me an option. He said if I want him to leave that woman, I will have to severe ties with my family. Even then, he said he cannot be a loving husband like before. Whenever I speak to him, I feel so guilty and blame myself for the marriage to fail. I have been praying and seeking guidance from Allah as I don't know what else to do. I feel so sad and feel like leaving this man. I feel he will never change and he just uses my flaws. He is also planning to visit her and her family next month in their country.

I just need some advice. Are there any sisters who have gone through problems similar to mine in their marriage?


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6 Responses »

  1. Leave and make khula. There is no other option. There is no staying with this man. Allah swt said he will surely test you from what is in this world. This is a toxic environment for your boys, what if they grow to believe his behavior is okay? That's disgusting. I could never forgive a man who has proof of committing Zina while married to me.

    You need to go. I know you are afraid but Allah is sufficient. This man is not a good example. He is committing Zina and drinking openly. You said he is already not paying the loans. What do you have to lose?

    I have no idea what mistakes you made, as you've said in the OP but this is obvious that it's not meant to be. You haven't mentioned the mistake you made, but if he has pictures of his affairs on social media and videos then you need to secure those things and keep it for a legal divorce if you're afraid he will take your children. This is not okay. This is really not okay.

  2. I really don't understand why so many women stay in this kind of marriages and have the nerve to say they stayed because of their children?? I mean why would you want your children to stay in a toxic environment where the husband is openly committing zina, drinking, abusing the wife....what would the children learn from this??? If they are male they will learn to treat their future wife the same, it's normal to beat, verbally abuse and cheat, if they are female it's normal to be a doormat and stay in an abusive marriage since women have no rights, they have to tolarate abuse and their husbands affairs. .... please sister for the sake of your kids LEAVE!!!

    Your husband is a very bad example as a human being. It's disgusting committing all those sins and blaming it on you??!!! Start saving money, Have a plan. Save all the evidence for his cheating you might need it later to get khula. Dont tell him you are leaving until you didnt save money and have a good plan and enough evidence. Once you do take your kids and get rid of him. Also although it's important for children to have contact with both pair of parents, I personally wouldn't let him see the kids since he is truly evil and disgusting to commit zina openly, so shameless, drinking and gambling is not a good example for the kids. And please don't fall for the please forgive me I will change thing since we all know 98% of time those kind of people don't change especially if one commits zina openly , so don't waste your time. And changing for some other person is also worthless anyway, if ever it should be only for the sake of Allah. I'm sorry if I come across harsh, it just makes my blood boil everytime I read here how many women going through this but don't do anything about it. They stay and suffer in silence when they actually could stop feeling sorry for themselves and start changing their situation. You can only change your future,you need to start and insh'Allah Allah will make it easy for you. Whatever you do make sure you pray your daily prayer on time and do istikhara before any decision.

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    This man sounds very far from the straight path, and while I hope inshaAllah he realises in time to return to it, you need to think about your own wellbeing and that of your children. You and they need a home built on Islamic values. You don't need a home in which abusive behaviour, infidelity and taking out loans is part of daily life.

    In view of his threats to take the children away and leave you with his debts, I'd suggest that you get a lawyer to look into these issues - the legal steps you'll need to take will depend on where you are and what legal system is operating there, so it's best to get advice from an expert in law where you live.

    Before making any final decisions, pray istikhara and try to make sure you have support in place to help you if you decide to leave - family or friends who will help you, a place to stay, etc. May Allah protect you and your children, and help you all heal.

    Midnightmoon editor

  4. Assalam o alaikum,

    Your husband does not deserve you. He is an emotional and physical bully and he is bullying you constantly by making you feel ugly, having affairs and insulting you. He is a manipulator and he blackmails you emotionally that there is no way out and that he will get your children. He is mentally sick person and he is making you feel that you a loser. Get Khula from this sicko before he destroys you completely. You dont have to stay in this marriage to lose yourself. Have faith in Allah swt and just leave this loser. HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. HE HAS NO RIGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL UGLY OR WORTHLESS. HE HAS NOT RIGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL YOUR A LOSER. HE HAS NO RIGHT TO HIT YOU. GET OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT AND TAKE YOUR CHILDREN WITH YOU. YOU FIGHT FOR THE CUSTODY BY PROVING HIS IMMORAL CHARACTER AND HOW HE IS SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE. YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOU DESERVE TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE WITHOUT THIS JERK. GOOD LUCK.

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