Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Feeling lost and worthless

Hi,

I am a christian woman. I met a muslim guy 6 years younger to me a few years back. We started liking each other. He told me he wouldn't be able to marry me. Then we fell in love. We took care of each others problems... He was my pillar of support and he claimed I was his.

Few months down the line we got intimate and we have been intimate since then. We loved each other so much. It was like God was answering my prayers. I had a difficult life and he is aware of everything. He stood by me through thick and thin.. always ensured I was happy and safe.

Now I am at point where I want to marry him but he doesn't because he thinks his family wouldn't accept me. He says it's a very conservative community where he comes from and his mum wouldnt allow a love marriage. His family reputation.. people would talk.

I cannot imagine my life without him. I took a bad decision and committed the gravest of all sins. He says he cannot live without me but he cannot marry me too.

What do I do... I am lost. I don't want him to marry me without his parents' consent. But how do I convince him to talk to his parents? He is afraid of his mum. He says she knows. But I know him and every time his mum suspected it he used to convince her there was nothing.

He says he talked to her and she refused. But I know him - he doesn't have the courage to speak up in front of his mum. He gave me his mum's number and asks me to ask her.

What do I do? Do I tell her I was intimate with her son? That I cannot marry someone else now as it would mean problem for my family honor too?ย That her son loves me very much and I make him happy but he is afraid to tell her that?

What do I do now... ??? I feel lost and dejected. I cannot share this with anyone else. I have only been with him and no one else. He knows that. He says it's normal now. No one is chaste now a days. Says I knew he wouldn't marry and I still continued... I did because I thought he would realise it's the right thing to do. He says if the guy arranaged by my parents ask me if I am a virgin, I should ask him if he was.

How can he say that? Does love mean nothing to people? How can he claim to be religious and yet talk like this when it comes to my honor? Is his honor the only thing?

He says he chooses his family. I do not ask him otherwise, but I feel he is blaming me for everything because he knows he wronged me.

Now I feel like I am worthless. I defiled myself for someone I thought who loved me and he left me like a parasite.

Please tell me what do I do.. ??

sara

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10 Responses »

  1. Dear Sara

    I am sorry to hear this sad ordeal. This guy actually torn the image of Muslim men.

    Anyhow, move on with your life. He proved not to be the right one for you. Don't waste yourself for him anymore.

    I know many Christians also having a strong belief. Use your belief in GOD to overcome this difficult time; for GOD help his all creation regardless of age, sex, gender, religion, etc.

    Mahmood

  2. Dear Sara

    I can understand the dilemma you are in and the pain you are going through.
    Be patient sister and tackle the issue wisely and hopefully it will be resolved.

    What did you mean by "committed the gravest of all sins"?? do yea mean, God forbid, you had sex with him.?

    If that is the case, then I am truly sorry you guys started things the wrong way.
    Indeed the single most important advise young women are told is that to NEVER to sell herself and her body cheap to any man before the takes her honorably as a wife like real men do. No matter how much the love on another, or what promises / gifts he gives her ... Because once she let him between her legs and betray her honor, his respect for her and his interest in her becoming his wife greatly diminishes. Indeed its a terrible mistake young women keep doing out of ignorance , and pay a high price for it.

    It has already happen, so you really need to get together and think and act wisely so as not to loose more. Thank God you are not pregnant or something, imagine how would it be when you see your tummy every day growing with an innocent baby from that mistake ???indeed you are still lucky things didn't go that bad.

    My advice for you is to first repent to God and ask for His forgiveness and guidance, and promise yourself you will never do such mistake in your life again...This step is the first and most important step in recovering from this situation... I cannot emphasis this point enough.
    God is one and His commandments are the same whether you are a Muslim or a Christian or a Jew..
    In the Quran .. "And do not come near to adultery, it is a shameful deed and an evil, and opening the road to other evils." Al Isra 17:32
    n the Bible it reads .... "Thou Shalt not commit adultery" Exodus 20:14
    You both have indeed wronged yourselves and need to sincerely repent. Adultery is a heinous sin and it damages one's self respect and
    Your writing shows that you have good nature sister, and even though you have done a mistake in a time of weakness, there is part of you which reject that, and deep down your heart you wish you remained chaste and kept your honor. Work hard on asking for forgiveness until you feel the result of that in your heart. May God clean your heart and soul and make things easy for you.

    Help him to recognize the mistake and repent also ..
    Repenting means to Never allow him to sleep with you or touch you inappropriately again, even if it means to break up with him and not to see him again. Be firm in that, because he will very much want to have that again and again and again. But you are now aware it will only damage you and your image in him and ruin any chances of making a family together.
    As a Muslim, he knows how bad is the sin he committed, and is probably denying or ignoring the guilt feeling for fear of facing it, you just need to help him be a better believer. Tell him that its a mistake in a time of weakness and that the devil got the best of both of you ... and that you both need to repent to God, forgive each other and forget. As if it never happened
    Life is short, and any one of you could die any moment ...... then how to meet your lord carrying so much sins. ???
    Remember to Never play the game of blame with him...
    blame will only make him want to run away .. it will never bring you any good..
    Tell him you are both together in this and both of you should have the courage to acknowledge their responsibility.

    The positive thing in the whole situation is that you guys love each other and connect very well. So, if you manage to pass this test, I do think that you guys hopefully have a chance to get married and build a good family together.
    So, after you both have repented discuss the matter of marriage in a civil way, no shouting no accusation, no pushing, no running. Since both of you cannot imagine life without the other, so it is only logical to build a life together. If you can both be firm in what you want and think together how to achieve what you want, the families will finally accept and respect your decision. You do need to be very patient with them indeed but also be firm that you both have chosen each other

    For his mother, NEVER tell her or anyone else the you have had sex with her son. She will only reject you even more. Remember that God forgives but people may not forgive.

    .If you needed a short break, then that is fine, or even encouraged so you both can think clearly for yourself.
    Remember that if after doing all the effort he still not going to marry you, then maybe he is not the right man for you. Then just move on and do not waste any more time or effort o him. Yes its not easy and its painful, but believe me life is larger than wasting it waiting for a coward man who is afraid to defend his love in front of his family. He has chosen so he doesn't deserve any more regrets from you.

    Remember that your worth doesn't come from or depend on your boyfriends appreciation for you or from any other human being for that matter. Your worth is within you, as a respected dignified human being and a unique creation of God. Only God can give true and lasting happiness and Only He can take that. So no matter what happen n your life always have a place for God in your heart and in your life and you will be fine.

    NB.
    I have written this answer for you an hour ago, and while writing the last sentence, my computer restarted all of a sudden and I lost all that ๐Ÿ™‚ ... I though of just giving up ... but then i decided i will write it again ๐Ÿ™‚ however, i am just sending this answer without much revision ๐Ÿ™‚ it may contain some typos but you will get the meaning ๐Ÿ™‚

    Good luck

    • Thank you very much for your prompt and encouraging response.

      He has broken up with me. I guess i never meant anything to him. He has moved on so easily now, he says he realise his mistake and seeks forgiveness Lord. But he says he cant help it. He has made the decision, he would marry the girl his mum chooses for him. He feels there is no future for us.

      I do not have the courage to marry someone. I feel i would be cheating them by not telling them abt my chastity and then have it found out on our wedding night. I discussed my fears with him, also asked if he would stand by me if sumthing like dis happens, but he flatly refused. It would ruin his family reputation.

      I think my parents suspect my dilema as he had been to my place and met my parents many times. They have stopped asking me about marriage. I feel its for the best too. I cannot commit another sin by deceiving an innocent soul.

      I am praying everyday for guidance and courage to lead my life and be strong in dis time of hurt.

      Alls up to him now.

      But thank you once again.

  3. Let them know the situation of everything do not lie!!!!!!!!!!!If they dis agree its your choice.I imagine your old enough to make decisions .So get nikah.This boy has to grow up because this is serious.In islam Allah has rules and guidelines to follow.Our teacher and role model is Muhammad seal of prophets .If we choose a life other then what is recealed then you are cursing yourself.Today the majority of muslims are mixing there lifestyle with haram and alot of them do not pray.So i ask myself what is the purpose of our life.You do what it takes but never stop learning this beautiful deen. If things go sour then look at this way .Allah didnt want this for you but he opened your eyes to a better pic of this short live world which has no value!!!Allah something better for you...So learn and master it.Learn to read quran it will protect you from the devil.As it said an idle mans brain is a devils workshop!!

  4. Hi Sister

    My sincere advice is;

    Don't marry someone against their will or for another sake. When you marry remember to think of your future kids and generation.
    Pray God and ask forgiveness

    Allah will help anyone who ask for help and being victimised.

    May Allah help you.

  5. Sara,

    My husband said he couldn't marry me either. Family, culture and so forth. We have been married for 35 years, raised our family and although we have hit rough patches within our marriage (like most marriages do), we made it. We are happily in a good place in our marriage and enjoy each day watching our children and the paths they are taking. If there is a will, there is a way. After six years together, if this man truly loves you and cannot see a life without you, he can and will step up. If he isn't willing or simply doesn't want to take it to the next level, you need to cut any and all contact with him if only for yourself. Don't make yourself available to him at all. Once you are not in his life, he may use the time to reflect on a life without you and reconsider his position. Should you continue to be available to him, he continues to get the best of both worlds without any commitment and you have only yourself to blame at that point.This is why in Islam, relationships prior to marriage are forbidden. Here you have given this man your heart not to mention yourself and to know it could all end must be heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you in the situation you find yourself in. I pray that things will work out for you.

    Salam

  6. Leave him for a bit so he thinks he has lost u, then he will come running for ur hand in marriage

    • Thank you.

      I wish that were true. He has already moved on and dreams of marriage and future family.

      Although he says his love for me would never end and I would always be special and he would always love and care for me.. just not as a partner.

      I dont think he wud ever realise what he has done to me.

  7. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. Would request you pray for me find peace and courage in dis hour of need. I hope the Lord provides me with enough strength to carry on. And I pray that he realises how much he has affected my whole life with his decisions.

    Please keep in your dua.

    Thank you once again.

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