Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Friends with benefits -addictions help

Woman alone

Salam,

I am 25 years old and currently struggling so much with my past. I feel weak.

I have always been a fairly “pious” Muslim in terms of not having relationships outside of marriage. Three years ago I met someone that changed me completely. We started off as friends, talking to each other every hour of the day, addicted to each other, seeing each other often alone in person at each other’s houses. Things escalated and for a few nights we had become physical (I saw private parts and felt so naive). After, I felt traumatized. I have never been close to a man before let alone touchy (oral...). We were just friends with benefits. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and we felt guilty. I waited.

We started arguing a lot, I kept lashing out on him, he kept apologizing, we kept staying as friends, but I was in “love” with him (and still am).

While I was sitting on his lap one day, he told me he was involved with someone else. I felt so humiliated. I was too scared to lose him and decided to be cool. Few months later (while we are talking as friends still) I saw him kiss her right in front of my eyes. She is Muslim and is not as “modestly” dressed as me which bothers me so much. I kept comparing myself to her, I felt so insecure. Why did he choose her?

He apologized many times, and then we stayed as friends still because he walks my way to work everyday. Long story short, I verbally harassed him and became obsessive. We were on and off. While he had a girlfriend he was very touchy with me and I let him because I feel alone. He said he’s still attracted to me but now has a girlfriend. It messed with my head even more.

After I blew up many times, he wants nothing to do with me now, we’ve known each other for 3 years I can’t even see myself with any other man. He always said I deserve better, that he’s not worthy of my feelings. I am absolutely heartbroken. I wanted him. I dream about him all the time. I can’t see myself with someone else. It’s not fair he can move on so easily. He loves her.

On on top of that, I’m left stuck. I am addicted to watching haram stuff online. Absolutely addicted and I do it to keep his memory alive. I have strong hallucinations that he’s there.

I feel really stupid. I told him I loved him and he probably thinks I’m the most weak girl. Any strong girl with self respect would not look back but I wanted to take care of him. How do I move on? Getting married is hard in itself, I don’t want to look at any other man. I’ve tried but I am reminded by his eyes. I feel dead inside. I try to keep busy but my memory haunts me, I want him beside me wherever I am. How do I stop comparing myself to her? He kept saying I’m wifey material but why are men so patronizing why can he date her? Why can he give her love and not me? He holds her hand and kisses her and I feel horrible inside, I want effort and affection. They look so happy. Best friends. He shares everything with her like he did with me. I crave that companionship.  I have never felt anxiety before and these past 2 years have been hell.

Please help. How could I have stayed friends? I feel so disturbed inside and I harassed him 30 times at least and we’re blocked from everywhere possible and it’s officially over now.

Every night i sleep i pretend he’s next to me and hold onto him tight. It makes me feel safe. I make lots of dua for him before I sleep because I feel crazy inside and maybe it’s just my imagination. Why do I claim to love someone that only saw me as something physical. It is painful. Very painful. I feel extremely empty and alone. I try to pray or read duas but it’s not helping. I can’t control my mind/heart and have lost faith.

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6 Responses »

  1. Seems like all he wanted from you was fulfiling his physical needs , and probabaly at that time you were lacking self esteem and determined to make him fall in love with you which caused all this .
    Why he chose what would be crystal clear if you accept the hard truth that the guy was not interested in marrying you , calling you wifey material and then making efforts to destroy that wifenesa of yours(by encouraging haram intimacy) , isnt that hypocrital . This is how a guys mind work sweet talk you into getting the benefit , this is how shaitan tricks too , by attacking our weakness , so you are a wife materail hence a little haram wont hurt .
    Stay far away from this guy , hes now attacking your self respect so that you dont bother him . If you still have doubts ask him clear and loud to send over a proposal and stop will all the 'why's' in your head as they would lead to no where.
    For repentenace seeks Allahs forgiveness , pray tahajud and let this ne a lesson , a muslimahs honor is preciois contrary to this era's belief and projection in society, let no man see you (private parts) and come near you before nikah. Asking about nikah is the litmus test you want to do to make sure the other person is sincere with you , all these timely physical pleasure takers will run away at the mention of nikah
    May Allah bless and you and ease your suffering Ameen

    • My above reply has few typos.

      Stop with all the why's ,
      The cycle you have described is extremely common in todays society , using/abusing/saying sorry ... the easy way out instead of making you a wife .
      Stop all haram stuff at once , change your circle find practising people and stay humble sister, always ask Allah to protect and do not consider anyone who doesnt seem practise below you as Allah doesnt like pride, instead always thank Allah that you are not at the other persons place

  2. Assalam Sis

    I have read abt your agony and feel every bit of your pain. Once I have been through and I know how exactly it feels. I would like to tell you that all these feelings will fade away with time. I know what I am saying is extremely difficult for you to absorb but thats really what works in the end. Please try to stop thinking about him, pray regularly and ask Allah for forgiveness. The sabar Allah will put into your heart is unimaginable, please trust me. The fact that he sees you only as a physical object is alarming itself as a fact. On the other hand you have true feelings for him which makes you feel horrible. He’s actually not worth of your feelings. Allah has something better for you, but you need to go through all this with patience and faith.

    May Allah ease all your pains. Ameen

  3. ITS AMAZING ON THE DEVIL WORKS ..COMES THROUGH THE WEAK ONE IN ORDER TO DESTROY THE PURE....THATS WHY ASSOCIATING WITH OPPOSITE SEXS IS DANGEROUS...LOOK AT THE WHOLE PIC... UNDERSTAND YOU ARE MUSLIM WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE BECAUSE IF YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT ...I WARN YOU THAT DEATH AND THE GRAVE WILL CLEARIFY YOUR EXISTENCE ON THIS TEMPORARY LIFE

  4. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. Nor do you or anyone deserve to go through the pain of heartache as it can be very painful and also hard to deal with. However , there is a solution and that's to strengthen your iman.

    He came into your life because your iman was weak. Your iman is like your first line of defense for anything. By having a weak iman makes you vulnerable and it makes evil to penetrate you easily which would later affect your life.. If you had strong iman you would know that you shouldn't be interacting with anyone who is your non mehram.

    You need to deal with your emotions before you decide to move on to another man otherwise, you would be taking your problems to his doorstep and that could lead your future man to run away from you. You need to focus on yourself and how you can make yourself better. You can study your religion more , you can see a therapist , you can talk to a support group anything that will help you. Once you have dealt with your emotions then move on to marriage

  5. Please dont be sad over guys of those types, I myself was close to being one of them but not anymore alhamdulillah and from experience I can tell you that no matter how happy they look, eventually they end up alone and broken. Main thing is to forget about him performing salah, reading Quran and convince yourself that he let you down(which shouldn't be difficult) Always know that life gets better with every step you take and cherish your family, parents, siblings! Just know that you will eventually find a husband and get married and forget about this. But you can't bring back your parents, spend time in cherishing what you have before its late! Stay strong and pray to the almighty!

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