Can’t trust my husband after I found emails to other women
I found out and confronted my husband about what appears to be an emotional involvement via email, with a woman he met on a flight. The back and forth seemed like a prelude to something more physical but I could make out, that despite his entreaties, the woman had not taken the 'affair' to the next level. Let me add that the flight he was on was bringing him to me, in the US, where I was literally weeks away from giving birth to our first child. We've only been married a year and a half and I was up until this point MADLY in love with him. I still love him, but the sense of betrayal I feel has literally swept the floor from underneath my feet.
A few weeks before I saw these emails, I saw another one to a friend of his, telling her she looked 'tasty'. After many weeks of struggling with THAT, where he swore she was 'just a friend',I came upon the 'airplane mystery', and worse more incriminating mails from the 'friend'.
I know I sound crazy and pathetic but I can't get over how he could express interest, such deep interest, in another woman , while convincing me of his undying love. I was so sure of this man. Now I'm a wreck, I have a small baby, and while I carry on with my days, I can't stop thinking and reading and re-reading those emails.
To do him justice, he has begged me to forgive him and continues to beg me and is trying very hard to earn my trust, but I keep doubting the sincerity of his apology. He lied about the friend being just a friend and how do I know he's not lying about the second woman? He says he was trying to see if he still had 'it' as he's 41, but that makes no sense because were practically newlyweds. Then he moved on to telling me how he's been a habitual sinner but is trying to reform and he just couldn't help himself.
My question is, do I stay? Will he do this again? I can't talk to anyone about this because it's just too humiliating but I feel miserable on so many levels. And yet I still love him because in many other respects he is wonderful. But then, isn' t honesty to be valued above all?
I just need to know if this horrid feeling of having maggots in my head will pass. I need reassurance that he won't do this again. I need to recover my sanity and I need guidance.
- Aishah
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Assalamu alaikum Sister,
I pray Allah, swt, eases your burden and grants you peace of mind, ameen. I know how you feel completely, as I'm in a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, but it's more like a couple of months, as we have yet to actually live together. He still lives overseas and we're trying to get visa work finished. We've seen each other on visits now three times. Also, I am 4 months pregnant and alone. (I also have a 6 year old daughter from a previous marriage.)
The difference in our situations is that I found the emails my husband sent to a childhood friend that were of a sexual nature when we were engaged, but still completely dedicated to marriage asap. To me that is enough of a commitment that no relationship should be going on elsewhere, let alone a haram one. When I asked him about it, he admitted to it; said it was wrong; and asked sincerely for my forgiveness. I told him that he really hurt me, but that I would try to forgive him. (I also made it clear that it would take a long time for me to trust him again.) Later, on one of my visits to see him after our marriage (about 6 months later), I found a couple of semi-nude pics on his phone of obviously anonymous women and a woman's ID on his messenger list. When I confronted him about it, he said that the pics were emailed to him by a friend and he didn't know what they were. He said as soon as he saw it he closed them and never looked at them again. When asked, he said it just didn't occur to him to delete them. Regarding the woman's ID, he said that it was a woman he'd worked with in the past who is now in America. He said he was talking to her about job possibilities, and that he didn't tell me because he knew I would "act like this". Sister, to you I'd say that you are not being crazy. That's one thing that really annoys me is when I know I am not being irrational, but I am treated like I am because I am a woman that happens to be upset. That's how my husband acted this last time with the pics and the woman's ID. I was not screaming and acting foolish; I was upset, but staying pretty calm. As far as living and working together, he is a wonderful and considerate husband. He prays and tries to follows the sunnahs; I have no doubt that he has taqwa and is probably a better Muslim than I am right now. My fear isn't that he will just decide to go out and have an affair, but that he can't resist temptation. For example, with the pictures..if I had a friend that sent me naked pictures of men, I would tell them I don't do that, please never send me something like that again. If they did, I would block them. So why would it be any issue for a man? Also, he would NEVER allow me to have a male friend or chat with a man privately for a job (which I wouldn't do anyway); so what makes it acceptable for him to do so? If asked in general, he would say that is haram, but sometimes people have a hard time applying things to their situation. I am not considering divorce at this point, but it is very stressful and heartbreaking being married to a man that you can't truly trust; especially when you do love him in all the other ways.
Sorry for going on so much. I am really interested to read any advice you receive on this topic to see if I can apply it to my own situation.
May Allah guide all Muslims, ameen.
I know what you're suffering Lisa and I wish I could reach out and tell you that it'll be okay. Truthfully neither of us has any way of knowi g what the future holds for us but there is SOME comfort to be had from knowing that my husband, as I'm sure is yours, is deathly afraid of losing me. I take that as an indication that perhaps I matter enough to never have to endure this again.
When I first found out, it was much much worse. Now 2 months later, I still feel upset but I'm focusing on other things. Me. My son, who is SUCH a gift. The gym. Reading. Praying. Diversify your thoughts so your days are wonderfully full and hopefully with time, your nights, if they're anything like mine, will be less fretful.
You sound like a wonderful, dependable partner, and I'm sure husband realizes that. As far as temptation goes, I know exactly where you're coming from and I've decided that I will only go mad if I continue to think about what he may or may not be tempted by. Like I said, diversify, and do things that make u proud of yourself.
I hope I have helped In some small way..And thank you for being so supportive and understanding.
Sister,
I would suggest that you give this man one last chance. You did mention that he has begged for forgiveness and is trying very hard to earn your trust so why not give your marriage another chance. Look, what he has done is definetly wrong but everyone makes mistakes and the fact that he acknowledges this and is willing to change, I would strongly suggest that you give it one last chance. Your'll just have a new born baby, maybe your husband would start becoming responsible. Give him the opportunity to be a good father to your baby.
If you willing to forgive him then you should forget the past. Delete those emails and don't look back at the past. You can never be 100% sure that he would not do this again but if he does this again, I'm sure you would find out, just as how you found out the first time.
It's normal to feel hurt and betrayed. The man you truly love has let you down. If he really does change then give him another chance but if he doesn't then it's not worth staying with him.
It could be that he may not have realized the harsh effects if you found out. But now that he is aware of this, lets hope he has learnt is lesson and is willing to change!
Rumaysa
As salamu alayku, Aishah,
You have been in a very vulnerable situation and someway you still are. I agree with Rumaysa, you should sit, communicate, get rid of the past, forgive and begin a new life, think of yourself as the beautiful, loving and intelligent woman you are, care of your husband and your little baby and give you and your family a new opportunity.
I do believe he loves you as much as he said to you, and I believe what he said to you it is true, but I am willing to think that he really wants a new life with you and your baby.
He has married you, he was used to other kind of life, now, little by little, you will teach him to be a family man, you can do it, build up your trust, and everytime a doubt come to your mind "Audhu billahi minash shaytani Rajeem" I believe that you have the power to have your husband back, as your husband and the father of your baby and build up a family full of Unconditional Respect and Love, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Thank you. You have all provided unimaginable comfort to someone who struggles every day to overlook this episode. I hope and pray that the outcome of this decision is a happy one..as I said, I really DO love him. Based on your advice I will delete the emails and try and expunge their contents from my mind. I may never trust him again and to be honest a part of me will always be doubtful but that is the price of infidelity.
I wish each of you all the best and hope that you recover from your troubles. Please add to your kindness and let me know if there is any surah or Saba I can recite to ease my mind.
As salamu alaykum Aishah,
It is nice to know about you, Alhamdulillah. Congratulations for your baby, Barak Allah Feekum.
You have opened the door of Hope, Alhamdulillah, Forgiveness will bring confidence and trust back to your Life, insha´Allah.
In this link, you will find duas, the seventh one has been very helpful for me, brings Peace, comfort and silence to my Heart, I hope it will help you, insha´Allah.
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/dua-in-islam/dua-for-anxiety-and-stress-2/
From my Heart to Your Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
All amdulilah u ar still aliive even after u lost your baby ..
probably u can still give birth to the same child that u lost ....
take note of your next child and give if there is any different..
Allah would guide you through..
ASA sisters Aiysha and Lisa,
I had been in a similar situation to you both. Although, I was married for 7 years when I found out my husband was unfaithful. I also found out through stumbling upon emails. I found out he was visiting chat rooms and also had an "online affair" I call it ( explicit emails and phone calls) with another Muslim sister in another state, and an affair with a non Muslim woman from his work.
It was devastating to say the least, I like you got married with the best intentions, and when I found out I had just given birth to our third child.
I struggled with staying or leaving. He begged and begged and swore he would change and it was so difficult to believe him. In the beginning I truly stayed because of the kids, since he is a good father and provider in many other ways. He is a man struggling with his Iman. There were good days, and there were bad days when I just wanted to pick up and go. I also had been a revert into Islam and always felt I was safe now I am Muslim from these sorta things. My husband prays, God fearing man, he would never do this to me!
AstufuAllah, I think there were times I worshiped my husband and my marriage more than Allah. What I mean by that is that my marriage, and my husband meant more to me than Allah, that when I found out my initial reaction was I was not pretty enough, or fun enough. In response to this I had left a lot of what I knew was good for me in Islam because of this situation. I struggled with this, my self esteem, and thought initially it was my fault. This was my test from Allah I believe. Until one day I woke up and yearned for the person I was when I found out he cheated. I wanted that person back, not this person who I thought my husband wanted. So I gave him an ultimatum. And I was ready to leave because it was so hard.
Now things are different, it has been 5 years and Alhamdulilah we did stay together, but it was hard, I am not going to say otherwise. He did agree to go to counseling eventually after much pressure from me, he was in denial of his issue.
A lot of prayer, duaa's and being honest with one another- sometimes brutally honest. I feel like what helped me is to recognize that ultimately what I am going to be judged on is not his actions but my own, and so that does not mean for me to take abuse at the hand of my husband, but to recognize he is human going through struggles, but also to recognize that if his actions is going to cost me my deen and my children's deen, then it may be better for me to have left.
Alhamdulillah, he has shown so far that he is investing in holding up the values of a muslim family not for me but for the sake of his own soul. I recognize that now. And I think that is where you can approach your husbands, you are hurt and rightfully so, but what he is doing is actually more harmful to his soul because he would have been stoned to death under shariah law.
I also suggest , since this did help us both My husband and I, is to find an Imam that you think your husband respects and can relate to and talk to him. Have the Imam give you advice as well as your husband. And never let your husband feel he can disrespect your rights sisters! The Imam told my husband how grave his sin was in not taking care of his wife. Yes we do have to be good wives, but we are the weaker of the two sexes and we are their Amana, we have rights that they are faithful to us as well.
Like you mentioned Aisha,
only Allah knows what he has decreed for us in the future if our marriage is to last or not or if he would do it again, what matters is today, and in at least trying to forgive your husband with the hopes of receiving Allah's forgiveness is what I feel is the best thing. Also know that forgiveness does not mean you trust him again. That may never really truly heal because now you see he's a human with weaknesses.
I pray for you sisters who have gone through and are going through similar situations, it is definitely a challenge because we can not always talk to many people about this, I know for me, I was too humiliated and did not want to smear his name through the mud in our community. I told only two two sisters, who I felt I was close to, now I do regret telling them. I truly think you should not tell anyone but an Imam or counselor, because we should always try to protect one another's reputation in Islam.
May Allah guide you to the best decision for your deen and your family, and InshAllah, my experience can give you some comfort or guidance during this difficult time.
- Aliyah
i too have same type of situation...i dont know wat to do...i dont know how to overcome as aisha said..im too disturbed...i luv my husband a lot...how to overcome it...im frustrated...goin mad if i think abt this...
salam everyone!
I am so devasted, stressed, angry u name it I feel it 🙁
(Sister, I deleted the rest of your comment. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll answer you in turn Insha'Allah. Thanks so much for your patience. - Wael, IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
salam! do u mean just repost it again here? I am confused?? JAK
No. Register using the link at the middle right on the home page (under "Log In or Register"), then create a post and write your question there, and save it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamalikum
This is a very old post but I had something to say here
I have been through this situation (more worse )and may be still a part
Of my life . The first point is world is a test from Allah so things can't be perfect here.
You have to adjust , live and behave your best to situations that Allah is testing you with.
Means forgive him, try helping him from sin,pray for him.He is doing wrong , clearly a sin
The second point is every body is responsible for there own deeds so think as a mother than a girl in love
Try to build a family give him time , act patiently ,ignore at times and guide him. After all Allah is rewarding you for your efforts inshallah and will also be helping you to build a happy family.
Divorce is the most disliked action before Allah. Circumstances are from Allah and how you act in them is your test. Prayers can change destiny. And your very tear, effort and patience will be rewarded in jannah. Inshallah ameen