Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t forget my mother’s actions in my childhood

Abused girl

I can't forget what happened when I was young.


The story I am here to tell is something I didn’t say to anyone. Bits and pieces were told not the whole thing. It's a long story so please bear with me.

My father was a very wealthy men when I was born. That made him proud a lot.

So, when I was conceived my aunt (who was younger then my mom) came to our household to live as my father was going abroad. When he came back she was still there

Everything was fine. I had two brothers before me, so me being a girl wasn’t a issue. Then my aunt who was married and had a kid started to wooing my father - he was wealthy, good looking too and my mom was very pregnant with me of course... things started getting complicated. I was born and then my mother found the proof of whats going on. She asked my father to return my aunt to her home which she refused. Then my grandfather asked my aunt to come to her maternal which also she refused.

My father completely forgot whats right and wrong, my aunt even threatened my mom that she will never leave, it will be my mom who will leave, so in this situation my grandfather told my mom to leave that house and come home. After a long battle my aunt finally was gone from our house but she kept in touch, gave letters to my father, which my mom found. In this situation my beloved uncle (my mom's brother) died, and then my father got remarried to a different women leaving us, and then my grandfather died. I was almost 3. My mom completely broke down, we literally had no uncle, either side, no grandparents, on our side.

We used live with our mom, me, and my two brothers. Our father rarely visit us. I was 5/6 when he got a heart attack and almost died  and the second one came 10 months after that. We were not informed at both occasion. Then some tenants of my father called and informed us.

So now the question. My mom is a great human being. She has been through too much, what I described was only part of her trials of life. People say if you see the pain my mom has suffered you can not stop crying... But I was small and things happened one after one. It changed her obviously, she used get very angry and violent when I was young... and she was not normal. She didn’t do much of a physical abuse, she was just absent emotionally and it's my understanding she might even think I am responsible a little for all that happened. I remember my home was quiet as it can be, my mom blaming me for everything whether it's my fault or not, my brothers used say I was panooti, you know bad luck, after I came happiness was gone.

Now I am all grown up and have good relation with my mom mostly due my interest in taking care of her, I didn’t have anyone else either. One time my mom told someone "my daughter did things for me even my sons didn’t".

But I can't let go of the past. Sometimes I get so angry at her for not being there when I needed her the most. It's a long list of things that Shaitan reminds me of that she did or didn’t do.

I know it's not her fault but I can't really let go. I have all this anger pent up inside me.

Hopefully ALLAH will show me a way and give me forgiveness.


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12 Responses »

  1. My advice. Get over it because there are millions just like you who were abandoned by their parents (me included). My mom was the same and is somewhat still like that. She used to beat, verbally abuse and sometimes totally detach(emotional) from me and my brothers. By the grace of Allah I learned psychology (hobby for 15 years) & through it & prayer shifted my mom's mindset towards the positive.

    • Bombvoyage: She used to beat, verbally abuse and sometimes totally detach(emotional) from me and my brothers.

      Your mother had emotional problems that could have resulted from a controlling abusive husband and/or bad childhood. Our parents also go thru life probelms while growing up like every one else.

    • Assalamu-alykum,
      if i can get over it i on my own i wouldn't done it already.not everybody can be shrink ,nor shrinks can solve all the problems.yes my head understand but my heart refuses
      it happens (all the time) doesn't really solve my problem.

  2. Salaam Sister,

    After having read your life story I can understand that your family has gone through a lot of bad times. Please try to find the good in what you have now and thank Allah for that.

    What distress you have gone through in your early life only you can understand and feel it. No one else can understand or feel the pain you have in your heart. So you can't expect a return/reward/acknowledgement/support from other people for what you have gone through.

    It seems you are not able to let go of your past. If you are stuck with the issues of the past it will be difficult to be happy in the future. Leave your past for Allah and look towards the future.

    Only Allah can reward you for all the difficulties you have gone through and it is wrong for you to expect your reward or acknowledgment from someone else. Know that Allah knows what you have gone through and will reward you accordingly. Your reward is with Allah.

    So be steadfast on the deen and try to learn as much knowledge about Islam and practice it regularly. And make dua to Allah that you have gone through a lot and hope for a reward from Allah on the day of Judgement. Untill then be a good Muslimah towards your mother and family and everyone in general and wait for the day of judgement.

    For the peace of heart, try to memorize / learn / study the Quran and do Zikr because Allah says,

    "Only in remembrance of Allah will your heart find peace" (Surah 13: Verse 28)"

    May Allah bless you with peace in your heart.

  3. As-salamu alaykum sister,

    I disagree with the previous two commenters who say that you should just get over it, or let go of the past. The reality is that it's not that easy.

    It's true that Allah and His Messenger both teach us to forgive. Allah says: “And let not those of you who possess wealth and abundance swear against giving to the near of kin and the poor and those who have had to emigrate for Allah’s sake. They should forgive and forebear. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.” [Sūrah al-Nūr: 22]

    And the Prophet (sws) said, "Whoever has no mercy will be shown no mercy (by Allah)."

    However, issues from the past do not go away so easily unless we confront them and deal with them.

    Stop making excuses for your mom. You say, "I know it's not her fault..." Actually, yes, it was her fault. Regardless of how hard life might be, mothers have a duty to care for their children, raise them with kindness, and love them. That is the definition of motherhood. Your mother instead abused you and blamed you for her problems, which is a terrible thing to put on a child. She is responsible for her behavior.

    Confront your mom. Tell her exactly how you feel, but do it calmly. It's likely that she will refuse to accept responsibility for her past behavior, or deny it, or make excuses. That's okay. You need to tell her how you feel for your mental well being, regardless of whether she accepts your words. Do not argue with her. Just express yourself in a calm way one time, and get it off your chest.

    Lastly, you need to see a therapist on an ongoing basis. A good therapist will help you let go of the pain of the past and forgive your mother, which is what ultimately needs to happen.

    Wael Editor

    • Assalam alaikum Mehzabin,

      I completely agree with Br. Wael. You can't just let go and move on. People who are stuck in the past usually are because something that can't be obtained through any other means is lost forever. For example, your childhood and that softness that a mother gives to her child was tainted with the events of what happened and it stole from you the experience that no one will ever be able to give to you. It is a most painful experience. I am sorry for your loss.

      Having said that, it is possible to move on, even with some pain still left and sometimes, it doesn't go away--but you need some strategies on how to make that happen. Like Br. Wael said, go and see a therapist. Inn shaa Allah, they will help you to see that even though what happened was horrible, it doesn't define you. You are not responsible for it. You don't deserve this and you can still be happy.

      Finally, your mother may even feel relief by talking about this and it may help her too. If you are gentle in your approach to her and listen to her, even if she gets mad, it will most likely help your relationship. May Allah swt ease your pain and help you to mend the relationship with your mother, Ameen.

  4. OP: But I can't let go of the past. Sometimes I get so angry at her for not being there when I needed her the most. It's a long list of things that Shaitan reminds me of that she did or didn’t do.

    Can you honestly make a list of things your mother did for you and compare that list to things did not do? Do you think your mother had a past that may have shaped her behavior?

    Your mother had marriage problems..........your aunt was doing things with your father. Your father got remarried to a different women leaving you all, and then your grandfather died. you were almost 3........ your mom completely broke down.

    You are unable to control your anger, but expect your mother should have behaved perfectly under very togh circumstances.

    • didnt you read the whole thing it says her mom is not bad,it wasnt her fault .what's expected of a mother is to care for her children .u know all your crude word s are your responsibility.the damage you done will be yours to answer. dont judge a situation you dont understand.if you cant help dont get involve

  5. Sister I would do what wael said if it had been any other relation in the world. What our mothers did was wrong, I agree whole heartedly but confronting her won't make the pain disappear. Allah says in the quran Surah Isra chap 17 verse 23 that not say an uff to your parents. Do not go down that road of displeasure of Allah. The pain your mother felt when she carried you for 9 months, when she bore labor pain and when she cared for million things when you knew nothing. She took it on herself as pleasure because she loved you. If you think your pain is far significant compared to hers then by all means confront her but if you can forgive her (very hard btw) and move on, In-sha-Allah you will be in those whom He pleases.
    P.S. prayers of mothers are very powerful. Just read about Musa (A.S). 🙂

    • I did not suggest that she say, "uff" to her mother, or get angry in any way. I said she should speak to her calmly, and tell her how she feels, as a part of the process of learning to forgive. Honest discussion between children and parents is not wrong or sinful.

      Wael Editor

  6. OP:I have all this anger pent up inside me.

    -This is the root of the problem.

    Now read these 2 hadiths carefully:

    Narated By Atiyyah as-Sa’di : AbuWa’il al-Qass said: We entered upon Urwah ibn Muhammad ibn as-Sa’di. A man spoke to him and made him angry. So he stood and performed ablution; he then returned and performed ablution, and said: My father told me on the authority of my grandfather Atiyyah who reported the Apostle of Allah (pbuh) as saying: Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.

    The Authority Of Muadh bin Jabal
    I said: “O Messenger of Allah, tell me of an act which will take me into Paradise and will keep me away from Hell fire.” He said: “You have asked me about a major matter, yet it is easy for him for whom Allah Almighty makes it easy. You should worship Allah, associating nothing with Him, you should perform the prayers, you should pay the zakat, you should fast in Ramadan, and you should make the pilgrimage to the House.” Then he said:” Shall I not show you the gates of goodness ? Fasting [which] is a shield, charity [which] extigueshes sin as water extebgueshes fire; and the praying of a man in the deapth of night.” Then he recited :
    “Who forsake their beds to cry unto their Lord in fear and hope, and spend of that We have bestowed on them. No soul knoweth what is kept hid for them of joy, as a reward for what they used to do”. (quran, verse)
    Then he said: ” Shall I not tell you of the peak of the matter, its pillar, and its topmost part?” I said: “Yes, O Messenger of Allah.” He said: “The peak of the matter is Islam; the pillar is prayer; and its topmost part is jihad.” Then he said: “Shall I not tell you of the controling of all that ?” I said:”Yes, O Messenger of Allah”, and he took hold of his tongue and said: “Restrain this.” I said: “O Prophet of Allah, will what we say be held against us ?” He said: “May your mother be bereaved of you, Muadh ! Is there anything that topples people on their faces – or he said on their noses into Hell-fire other than the jests of their tongues ?”
    Reporters. Related by Al-Tirmithi, who said it was a fine and true hadlth.

    -If its possible you should consider going some where on vacation , to help bring a positive change within yourself.

  7. Aoa,
    Please make a list of all the lovely foods she made for you the clothes how she made you look pretty when she stayed up with you when you were sick and when she stayed up for your study. And all those other wonderful things and another list of things that hurt you I'm sure the second list will be too small of compare.
    You have only one mother sis but your mother had three children and was going through so much . Brilliant part is you turned out well enough to know you need to find a way to let it go and honestly that only comes with time, time will make her the child and you will take care of her and hopefully you will remember what not to do to hurt the child in her. Once you become a mother in sha Allah you will let go more easily because you will understand how even your child falling down is so stressful that people cope with it in different ways some get angry some cry etc.
    Don't blame your mother for things your brothers said.

    Be happy to have your mom with you she is the biggest blessing in this Dunia

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