Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I don’t feel things will get better

muslim woman holding onto quran

Assalaamu alaikum my dear brothers and sisters!

I posted previously about wanting to go into speech language pathology, but my mental and physical problems seem to only get worse. I really don't handle stress well, and dealing with parents in the schools as well as families of patients in healthcare settings isn't easy for me. I am also a very sensitive person and get very angry easily. If someone gives me a hard time, I ruminate about it over and over again and I think it's because my personality is sensitive. What should I do?

Right now, being a substitute teacher's aide is low stress and easy for me to handle because I don't deal with parents, but it really doesn't make a lot of money. I can't change my personality no matter how many duas I make to Allah. If my husband treats me badly and doesn't support me, I get so sensitive and use bad language against him, even curse words which I am ashamed to say here. What can I do? I feel so stuck with my situation and the fact that I'm in a difficult marriage and don't handle difficult people well in the outside world doesn't make it easy. You would think your partner would be the first to support you when you share something with him, but he doesn't support me at all and always goes against me and it makes me so angry that I always curse him and even raised my hand against him, astagfirullah! What should I do? I feel so trapped...


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10 Responses »

  1. OP: I am also a very sensitive person and get very angry easily. If someone gives me a hard time, I ruminate about it over and over again and I think it's because my personality is sensitive. What should I do?..... I can't change my personality no matter how many duas I make to Allah............. If my husband treats me badly and doesn't support me, I get so sensitive and use bad language against him, even curse words which I am ashamed to say here.

    How exactly you want to change your personality? Can you write down some recent events when you got angry? What happened that made you very angry and how long you kept ruminating about it? How could your husband had supported you in this situation?

    How ruminating anger helps you?

    When did your anger problem start, i mean at what age?

    Do you support your husband or parents or friends if you don't agree with what they say?

  2. I want to become a more assertive person, instead of raising my voice and shouting. Recently, my husband came home and yelled at me and said I was "dirtier than an African" and that triggered me to become extremely angry and yell at him. I also think it's very wrong of him to use racist words if he doesn't like what I'm doing. He never nicely talks to me. Always yells, and sometimes I snap and yell back at him. I also got mad on Mother's Day when my mother told me that she didn't want to go out to eat because she was afraid the chefs would cook too fast and not wash their hands or handle the food in a hygienic way, but then ended up going out to eat on Mother's Day with my older sister. That made me so angry, I yelled at her and told her I hated her and never would do anything for her again since she favors my sister over me.

    Situations like these make me think about what happened over and over again and sometimes I call a helpline to calm me down. I usually raise my voice when I'm angry and sometimes it seems I have no control over it. I've had this problem since a little kid. If my husband wouldn't yell or fight with me if he doesn't like what I'm doing and would nicely talk to me, I would be a lot calmer. I do support my husband, only if what he says makes sense. If it doesn't I will make him see reason. For example, he says that he won't be able to get a good job in America because he didn't study here, and I try to make him see reason that he could take a short course and could still make good money. I try to make him see that he could volunteer in a local hospital and get his foot in the door for an entry level hospital position and then try to take a course to get an even better position.

    Ruminating anger doesn't help me. It only makes things worse.

    Anyway, I also suffer from depression and anxiety and I'm afraid that Speech Language Pathology might be too hard for me since I get stressed out easily. My anger problems have been since 6 years old.

  3. I also don't think I can do Speech Language Pathology. I got so much support from sisters on here to pursue that field, but I feel like it may be too hard for me because of the stress. Please give me input what I should do.

    • ''If my husband wouldn't yell or fight with me if he doesn't like what I'm doing and would nicely talk to me, I would be a lot calmer

      you cannot blame someone else for your actions. yes, your husband is wrong and should not be rude or abusive, but only you can control your behaviour. you have posted on here several times and you seem to be confused in what direction your life should be going. no one can tell you what to do with your life. only you can make that decision. but nothing os going to change if you keep focusing on all the negatives. you have to find the root of the problem and find positive solutions.

      find a field which you feel you are interested in and will be able to handle, and put yourself in the mind frame that you will be able to handle it rather than always putting yourself down and saying everything is too stressful. nothing in life is ever easy and sometimes we have to push ourselves.

      the issues you are having with your husband seem to be on going for a long time and is somehting which needs to be addressed.

      • I know that no one can make decisions for me. I wasn't asking anyone for that. You don't have to answer me in such a rude way.

        Secondly, when did I ever say everything is too hard for me? Nursing, speech, and occupational therapy happen to be science oriented fields and of course they will be challenging. Medical fields all are very difficult so I don't think I'm being unrealistic about the demands required, especially given my mental health conditions.

        I do enjoy speech, but I know it's not an easy field. I've spoken to many speech pathologists who have confirmed that for me. I'm just concerned it will be overwhelming because I have a longstanding mental health condition which is triggered by stress. I feel I should be very cautious with my mental health and I was just asking for insight, but thanks for answering me as rudely as you did. That was very supportive and helpful from a fellow muslim (sarcasm).

  4. Go to ya allah .in n find ur wazifa for you. Believe me things will be fine for you.Ameen

  5. Dear Sister,

    In response to your request for input into what you should do, have you considered the possibility of applying for secretarial or administrative assistant-type work in the nursing, speech pathology, occupational therapy, etc. departments of a university or vocational school? That way, you'd be doing something that may be less stressful (and I stress the word "may" because secretarial work isn't necessarily for everyone either) while still being exposed to your preferred fields by way of content and subject matter. Not only would you have an "in" into the work by virtue of your previous education and experience, moreso than candidates without the pre-med background if you really stress this in your resume, but you may be able to eventually transition into something else at the university or utilize the school's educational/career resources to get into your fields. The disability office may be able to help you with job postings for this kind of work, but I would also recommend posting your resume on for part-time work and hire a therapist through you Medicaid to work with you once a week while employed for any work-related encouragement and support you may need while working the job. What do you think?

  6. Nor, I am now working as a teacher's aide in the school system. Secretarial work doesn't really appeal to me. I plan to shadow in the hospital for nursing, speech, and occupational therapy to see how the work is like and if it something I can handle. I have physical limitations in addition to mental. I suffer from plantar fasciitis and can't stand on my feet for long periods and I have adrenal fatigue which makes me very tired all the time with extremely low energy.

    I feel for now, being a substitute teacher's aide is something I can handle on a part time basis. I work only three days a week and take the other two days off to rest and regain my energy. I thank you for being so kind and understanding. I don't think other people understand what I'm going through with these limitations, and think it's so easy to just think positive and everything will happen. It's not that simple.

    I have a hard time accepting that I have mental and physical problems, and it's especially hard dealing with stigma from the Muslim community about mental illness. Islam is supposed to be the best religion in the world, and it's unfortunate that the Muslim community doesn't show compassion towards people who suffer from mental illnesses that they never wished on themselves. I even struggle with my relationship with Allah at times. Why did he give me this illness? I sometimes feel angry at Him.

    Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks for your suggestions and please reply to my post. Salaam!

  7. Also, I can't work nights because I need 8 hours of sleep and feel like a zombie when I don't sleep at night. Being a nurse or a doctor might be challenging, given this fact. Anyway, I'm going to shadow to get an idea. I've heard some nurses tell me that they didn't have to work nights and that there are so many options in nursing. You don't have to start at a hospital. You can work in a doctor's office or as a school nurse. However, I think you need experience before you can get those positions. I think shadowing would be good so I can hear first hand and see for myself what the work is like.

  8. Islamicgirl28,

    I think you have answered your own question better than any of us could have answered it Alhamdulillah. You seem like a very intelligent person who takes this precious life that Allah has given you very seriously...a good thing. That mindset can sometimes bring with it a fear of making the "wrong" or not-so-perfect decision, but inshallah you will come to the right final decision, whether it is well-calculated or you just happen to stumble upon it. There is a lot to be said for the fact that you are not giving up on your dream, while being realistic about it and taking the steps you need to take to pursue it. With schizoaffective disorder, plantar fasciitis, and aadrenal fatigue, I'm sure Allah has you doing something pretty special in the end.

    About the stigma from the "Muslim community," who are we talking about? Did you know that everyone is born Muslim? There are too many people in this world to waste your time trying to explain mental illness to people who don't understand it....I would reserve that kind of effort for very close or promising relationships. Our Prophet pbuh was most compassionate towards those with mental illness. I read a story about him and how he sat with a woman with mental illness on the side of the road and listened to her until SHE was finished. Try to get out there and make some new social contacts who can accept you for you, whether you choose to share that you have an illness or not. You are not your illnesses.

    I hope this finds you well. Take care sister. May Allah ease your path.

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