Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lifelong masturbation and porn addiction has left me feeling suicidal

Internet pornographyAssalam o alaikum!

I am gonna try to keep my post short but as i have been through a lot and primarily posting here to get some advice, i will need to be a bit more thorough to get my point across so you could understand the context of where i am coming from.

Having said that, i got introduced to the concept of masturbation and sex when i was 10 years old. And it was none other than my own brother who used to learn that kind of filth from his class fellows and pass it along to me. He is 3 years older than me.

I didnt start masturbating right away but being around my brother 24/7 corrupted my mind. Besides, i also saw my parents having foreplay twice and i always wonder how could they be so careless when it came to keeping their intimate moments private. I still remember one summer we went on a family vacation to another city and booked a single room at a rest house. I used to suffer from mild insomnia since i was a kid. So, i couldnt sleep that night and at around 2 am i saw my parents having foreplay right there in the same room on another bed. Thank God they went to the ward robe and closed the curtains before the actual act but i still saw and heard much more than i should have.

As i see it now, at 10 my brain was too immature to understand and process all this adult related stuff. On top of that,i think, i might have had an undiagnosed mental illness since i was a kid. I was socially introvert, very shy and quiet, had an over-active imagination and insomnia, lacked self-confidence etc.

Also my mom was excessively strict and had anger issues. Dont get me wrong; she was also caring and loving but always had this knack of comparing me to other people and used to abuse me a lot both verbally and physically because i wasnt good enough in my studies like my brother. So you can add fear, low self-esteem, feeling of self-hatred and insecurity to the aforementioned list of psychological problems.

Anyway i started fantasizing and masturbating in shower when i was around 12; never did it compulsively though. The maximum i masturbated was 3 or 4 times a week. Sometimes i would do it once or twice a month; other times i would completely stop doing it for a few months. I didnt have any knowledge about the islamic status of what i was doing back then and initially for the first few months i enjoyed doing it.

ut after sometime, specially after i started praying and fasting, i started feeling a strong revulsion towards it. So i kept on trying to quit; i would go 2-3 months with complete abstinence before relapsing.

Then at the age of 15, when we had internet access, i saw porn for the first time, again accidentally, as my brother and i used the same browser so all the visited links kept showing and i clicked on one of them and it lead to an oral sex video. I still remember i was shocked and extremely aroused at the same time. Like i said, i was extremely shy so it didnt even cross my mind that people could do that too. I still feel really aroused to this day with the idea of a girl pleasing me with her mouth although i am well aware of the fact that it is a perversion and not allowed in islam.

It kept going on. I struggled with porn and masturbation for a few years. Never watched excessively coz our computer was in the living room. So once or twice a month when i used to have some alone time in the house. When i was 17 i finally quit it for a year but then i went to university and the pressure of studies and my social anxiety issues made my life totally miserable. My insomnia also turned into a full-fledged illness.

I told my mother about my anxiety and sleep issues. She took me to a homeopath but the meds didnt work. I asked her to consider taking me to a psychiatrist but she was absolutely against psychiatric meds. So as a result i resorted back to my old ways of soothing my insecurities and anxieties through artificial ways of sexual gratification. I struggled with this on and off for about 4 years but it totally drained me emotionally and physically. I used to play football and cricket for hours but when i graduated from university i could hardly sprint continuously for more than 10 minutes.

When i got my first job after graduation i made a pact with myself that no matter how terrible my life becomes i will never watch porn or masturbate again. So, i just decided to get rid of everything that reminded me of the issue at hand. I decided to go completely offline. I deleted all my online accounts including facebook and all support group accounts and orchestrated my life around in a way that would, as closely as possible, resemble primitive lifestyle. I limited my internet usage to fulfill the tasks pertaining to my work related duties i.e. emails and research work only. I also made some good friends at office; started playing table tennis; worked hard to thrive at work; kept myself busy; even stopped counting the no. of celibate days i had spent.

And finally at the age of 24, i eventually started to see some glimpse of hope that this might be the time when i will be able to thwart away all evil from my life for good and live a clean & pious life with the grace of Allah Ta'ala. And at that time it felt so real. I didnt masturbate for a year and a half and didnt watch porn for 3 years. I also got interested in a girl at work for marriage; told my mom about her as well. But, as expected, she didnt approve of her saying that working women arent suitable for marriage. She wanted me to marry my cousin but i didnt. So that chapter got closed too.

Then i suffered from dengue fever and my life completely fell apart after that. I recovered from the fever but later developed CFS (a body-wide pain and fatigue disorder accompanied with cognitive difficulties - you can google to know more about the condition as well) and became too sick to continue my job. Now i have been sitting at home for 2 years and got so frustrated that i have fallen into that same porn-masturbation-abstinence cycle after staying clean for 3 years straight except this time around i dont have the mental strength to keep pushing forward no matter how painful it gets.

I am 28 now and i have been feeling kind of suicidal for the past few months. I am going through an existential crises. I dont understand the purpose of my life anymore coz all i have experienced so far in my life is nothing but sheer pain and agony. I was suffering even when i was watching porn and i kept on suffering even after i quit it. I feel like i am being punished for my sins.

-New Life

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4 Responses »

  1. Hi there ๐Ÿ™‚

    Fun fact, what you're going through is something many Muslim men/boys alike go through, but that isn't the fun fact. The fun fact is I had a friend or more accurately an ex-friend who went through the same thing as you did and I surprisingly helped him. It's like you pick yourself up from this murky water and you somehow drown back right in. Let me tell you this, it takes hella lotta determination and courage to pick yourself out of something like that. And what you did in those 3 years by quitting porn, I genuinely salute you.

    And trust me, I understand the suicide part. I feel like that often too. The feeling of letting yourself loose and allowing yourself to fall under a passing truck sounds so tempting to me. One step ahead of the footpath and baam! flesh and blood ๐Ÿ™‚

    Now I'm not encouraging you to develop these suicidal thoughts and dwell on them. I'm just relating to you. You've had a tough childhood both mentally and physically and boy, I relate to them so much. Getting exposure to intimacy at such a young age without knowing what is being done builds up curiosity in our minds and so many questions on why is my mom moaning? and why does it look so odd? why are they naked? what exactly are they doing....and more importantly why do I feel like watching? Right? Exactly.

    First of all, I would wanna slam a pan on that older brothers head like?? Bro wyd? Seriously? No that's disgusting, do not teach your younger brother such shameful stuff. But again, I can't blame him. He was curious too. He wanted to share it with his brother. But then I'd like to blame your sweet parents ๐Ÿ™‚ Over-filled with love they didn't have the minimum amount of shame and wary to keep themselves in control when sharing a room with their two sons. But again, I can't really blame them can I? They were in love and out here vacaying and lacked self control. I mean they're married and deserve their own privacy and their own little break.

    And then there's you. Probably had like 2-3 friends? Insecure, shy, introverted little guy with nothing much to do. Take a minute to blame yourself. Your parents, older brother probably initiated it but let's take a moment to look at you. You chose to find solace in porn and masturbation. It was nice, it felt good so why not? We humans often forget to distinguish between right and wrong when it comes to things we love. Like that one republic song "I feel something so right doing the wrong thing" if I recall properly. It was your fault at the end of the day. You picked it up from your family and chose to water this addiction and called it your savior indirectly,

    So why are you running away from it? Why are you calling it a punishment from Allah?

    Because you want it and you like it but you know its not right. You know Allah doesn't like it. You feel regret every time you're done fapping. And that's incredible. Because Allah prefers a person who'd sin and regret and ask for forgiveness THAN someone who never sinned at all. I don't like it when you call your life or your existence or your occurrences a punishment from Allah. Not necessarily. Actually not at all if you look at the bigger picture.

    I always prefer mentioning my age before giving out any advice so you know how to take it. I'm 17 and if that sounds immature and childish words to hear from someone then you're welcome to ignore it but here is what I think. Your CFS and the fact that you're jobless and unmarried is giving you pain, right? There's obviously no baraqah in there and you're unhappy. This isn't a punishment. This is Allah's way of forgiving you. Mom once told me that even when Allah's slave says "uff" in pain, Allah is touched. He doesn't like his servant in pain. Even when we're suffering from fever, we're being forgiven for the pain we're going through (Fevers suck istg) And hey buddy, you're not a bad guy. You regret it, don't you? And maybe this is a test for you, all these unfortunate incidents are tests for you and if you're there dealing it all with patience and without masturbation knowing that there's light at the end of the tunnel (for reference: "Verily, with hardships comes ease") then you're being forgiven in the process for your patience with dealing with the hard time you're going through!

    And that's f*cking awesome!!

    Also let me just tell you how I don't like your mom for rejecting the girl you were interested in marrying. She's not a nice woman. Honestly, stuff would be a lot easier with the sexual issues if you were married.
    Just saying.

    Anyway mate, I wish you all the best and I'll keep you in my prayers.

    Salaam ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Walaikumasslaaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu.

    Allah subhanawataalah has said in the Quran: "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28)

    What does the above ayah mean?

    It means when you decided to go completely offline, deleted all your online accounts including facebook and all support group accounts and orchestrated your life around in a way that would, as closely as possible, resemble primitive lifestyle, limited your internet usage to fulfill the tasks pertaining to your work related duties i.e. emails and research work only, making some good friends at office, starting playing table tennis; working hard to thrive at work; keeping yourself busy; even stopping counting the number of celibate days your had spent, YOUR HEART DIDN'T FIND REST, DID IT? That's what the above ayah means, Subhanallah! Allaah has spoken the truth!!!

    Why didn't doing all those things work? Simply because you had to apply restrictions to your heart, not to the things around you because the heart is where the Shaytaan comes from. For example, even if you destroy the whole earth and go to Mars in a spaceship and destroy the spaceship and all electronic equipment once you get to Mars and settle there and then if you haven't taken care of your heart while on Mars, the Shaytan will get inside of your heart like usual and inspire and teach you to build a spaceship and get back to earth and rebuild the earth again and make you commit sins! Yes, that's what Shaytan is capable of!

    How is the Shaytaan capable of doing that?

    Allah mentioned in the Quran: "[Iblees] said, "My Lord, because You have put me in error, I will surely make [evil] attractive to them on earth, and I will mislead them all." (15:39)

    When Shaytan starts whispering in your heart and if you haven't protected your heart, the Shaytan enters your heart and makes the haraam things attractive to you and as a result you would start liking the haraam stuff under the influence of shaytaan and end up doing bad deeds.

    So in order to protect yourself falling into sins, the only thing you have to do is keep the Shaytaan out.

    What makes the Shaytaan enter your heart? It is the SINS! You commit a smaller sin, like you get angry or miss salah or just take a look at a haraam thing and you take it lightly, the Shaytan enters your heart without you being aware and makes you commit bigger sins like the ones you are now committing.

    The spiritual heart controls the body, like in your mind, you wouldn't like to commit a certain sin , but your heart doesn't agree and you end up committing that sin. Thus, if you have problem controlling your eyes or anger or your limbs, then the problem is of course in the heart. And what does the heart contain that controls your body?

    It is the emaan! You have difficulty in your heart to not commit a sin or to perform Salah, Why? Because you're a Muslim, not a Mu'min! A Mu'min is one in whose heart emaan has entered and a Muslim is one who has just submitted to the will of Allah, but the emaan hasn't entered his heart.

    When emaan enters your heart, it's very easy to avoid falling into sins, it's easy as breathing. Do you have to intend to breathe? Of course not. The same way, if emaan settles in your heart, you would get up and go to fajr salah just like you would breathe or avoid looking at something haraam easily.

    The way to settle emaan in your heart is you have to read the verses in the Quran and the hadiths related to the sin and reflect on it and right after that perform that action.

    For example, Allah says in the Quran: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do." (24:30).

    Just after reading this ayah with a sincere heart, lower your gaze a few times and the emaan starts to slowly settle in your heart! That's it. You'll find it easy to control your gaze after that and similarly read more verses and hadiths about why you shouldn't be looking at haraam things and implement it. The emaan will, again, slowly start to settle in your heart.

    After you find it easy to control looking at haraam things, you have to maintain your emaan by not committing any sins and that will keep the Shaytaan out. The sins you have to avoid mainly are anger, your gaze, and Salah. That's it.

    "Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself....." (4:79)

    If any bad thing that happens is from ourselves, then what about the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wasallam) or Ayub (AS)? The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam went through many, many difficulties and Ayub (AS) was tested very severely with his health. Aren't those bad things?

    Well, notice that Allah didn't say if you get sick or if you lose money or if so and so happens to you. Allah said, "whatever evil befalls you." That means it's up to you to take the sickness or any difficulty as bad for you. The The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam didn't consider his difficulties as a bad thing nor did Ayub (AS)!

    And how is it possible to not take a difficulty such as your CFS as a bad thing for you? That is possible if you have sabr - patience and sabr is achieved, again, by avoiding committing any sins. And the easiest way would be to settle sabr in your heart through emaan.

    So read any verses or hadiths that you like about the sins you are now faced with and implement it and write to me here after 3 days and you'll never, ever complain again in your life about the same problem, Inshallah.

    Finally, from the verse "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest." (13:28), the greatest remembrance of Allah is in Salah and performing the 5 Salah in the most perfect way is ENOUGH TO PUT YOUR HEART AT REST.

    But how do you perform Salah in the best way? It's got nothing big to do with concentration!

    Anas bin Malik narrated that the Messenger of Allah (๏ทบ) said:

    โ€œWhoever makes the Hereafter his goal, Allah makes his heart rich, and organizes his affairs, and the world comes to him whether it wants to or not. And whoever makes the world his goal, Allah puts his poverty right before his eyes, and disorganizes his affairs, and the world does not come to him, except what has been decreed for him. At-Tirmithi (2465), Ibn Majah (4105), Ahmed (5/183).

    So if Allah brings all the worldly problems closer to your eyes because of your sins, how will you able to concentrate in your Salah? The only way you would be able to is by removing the sins and then when Allah has removed the worries, only then you would be able to concentrate in your Salah!

    The easiest way to remove the worldly burden around you after you've stopped committing sins is through Shukr. For that, go see something the real world or videos that you're most afraid of, like poverty, diseases, etc. and then do a little Shukr, and go to pray Salah, you'll be able pray with great Khushoo and ease.

    So do all this and write to me after 3 days, I'll be waiting for your reply.

    May Allah give you, us and all the Muslims guidance, taqwa, safety and well-being and contentment and sufficiency. Ameen.

    Abdullah ibn Mas'ud radiallahu 'anhu relates that the Prophet sallallahu 'alayhi wa sallam would supplicate:

    [Allahumma inni as 'alukal-huda wat-tuqa wal-'afafa wal-ghina]

    "O Allah! I ask You for guidance, piety, safety and well-being, and contentment and sufficiency." .
    [Related by Muslim, no. 2721]

    Salaamualaikum.

  3. OP: i suffered from dengue fever and my life completely fell apart after that. I recovered from the fever but later developed CFS (a body-wide pain and fatigue disorder accompanied with cognitive difficulties - you can google to know more about the condition as well) and became too sick to continue my job. Now i have been sitting at home for 2 years and got so frustrated that i have fallen into that same porn-masturbation-abstinence cycle after staying clean for 3 years straight except this time around i dont have the mental strength to keep pushing forward no matter how painful it gets.......
    i might have had an undiagnosed mental illness since i was a kid. I was socially introvert, very shy and quiet, had an over-active imagination and insomnia, lacked self-confidence etc............ I also made some good friends at office; started playing table tennis; worked hard to thrive at work; kept myself busy; even stopped counting the no. of celibate days i had spent.

    If your health allows go jog one day and see how you feel. Play tennis, make friends.

    Is your brother suicidal too because he masturbated and watched porn. All most all men masturbate at some point of their lives and forget about it.

  4. Assalaamualaykum Brother,

    I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Everybody has something in life that is challenging for them, a struggle, and this is yours. But you are human. We were created with sexual desires. So go easy on yourself and just keep trying your best. In the end, that's all anyone can do.

    If I were you, I would pray the Salat Al-Hajat, the prayer for a need. It is a 2-rakah prayer of which the two surahs after surah Al-Fatiha are Surah Al-Ikhlas and Surah Al-Kaafiroon. For your dua at the end of the prayer, ask Allah to help you put an end to your addiction. He most definitely will help you, as you are unable to stop on your own. Inshallah.

    You may still mess up sometimes in the meantime. This doesn't mean that you're not worth anything or need to end your life! It just means you are human.

    Also, you may have a legitimate mental illness of some kind...maybe an anxiety disorder. It would be worth trying to see a psychiatrist now that you are older. You mother seems ill-informed in that area so you may have to do it on your own. You seem to have good insight. You are very self-aware. You can do this on your own.

    So ask for your Creator's help with the afflictions He is testing you with. May you find peace of mind and healing for both your body and mind.

    Best,

    Nor

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