Marriage without love
I hope you could help me. I am 35 yr old woman with 2 girls and unhappily married from past 10 years.I have done everything I could to make my marriage work.I have forget and forgiven numerous time the harsh treatment of my husband.I still used to love my husband dearly even after been mistreated mentally torturing and sometimes beaten but from past three years I have given up and fed up.He just doesn't value me.
I know all patience sacrifice and what religion tells us to be loyal and faithful to your husbands and that Allah puts you through trials and troublesome time to test you but my question is I have literally ruined my young age making him happy his family happy but still I am the one who is insulted till date.
He is well earned person,he doesn't control me. I am allowed to go anywhere,he is lovely towards kids,he is normal with me too but he doesn't sit with me talk with me or sleep with me.i can't give him opinions even if I would he will never listen and abuse me.He will hide stuff from me.Will not respect my parents.Will say bad things about them moreover he would say that I'm ugliest and all those little things to hurt me and make me cry.He wouldn't make my British passport,no pocket money,I can't do online shopping.He wants to give me no independency.He is so insecure as I am too pretty and educated that he will make me suffer e.g I can't work or drive.I have always appreciated and put his good things in mind but now I feel lonely depressed.
i have prayed to Allah a lot.I don't know what to do as I don't want my daughters to see ugly side of getting separated from father divorce etc.
The reason why I m posting this is that with all the emptiness and void in my heart I am falling for another person not physically I fear Allah but emotionally.Although we both are fearing person and try not to indulge further but still I need attention love and someone who listens to me...I need love..but I don't want go in wrong way..but I just want someone to protect me I have become so desperate for hugs love and affection but I don't want to go towards a sin.I want help please could you tell me what can I do please I need peace in my life I am too confuse betrayed and bitter spending 10 years with a cold hearted ice chilled person.
farimah
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OP: He is well earned person, he doesn't control me. I am allowed to go anywhere, he is lovely towards kids,he is normal with me too but he doesn't sit with me talk with me or sleep with me.i can't give him opinions even if I would he will never listen and abuse me. He will hide stuff from me. Will not respect my parents. Wi ill say bad things about them moreover he would say that I'm ugliest and all those little things to hurt me and make me cry. He wouldn't make my British passport, no pocket money, I can't do online shopping. He wants to give me no independency.He is so insecure
When did he stop "sleeping with you"? Did his behavior change around that period? Did you ever ask why he does not sleep with you? How long have you known the other person? Is he divorced or married? Why it is important to share your opinion with an insecure man.
Assalamualaikom Sister...
Thank you for reaching out. In situations like this a person can get confused and do stupid stuff. Its important that whatever you do is well-thought of.
You real problem i take it is in the last paragraph i.e .. " I need attention love and someone who listens to me...I need love..but I don't want go in wrong way..but I just want someone to protect me I have become so desperate for hugs love and affection but I don't want to go towards a sin.I want help "
First of all, any contact with a person who can sweet-talk you and take advantage of your emotional state is going to make you feel the worst towards your husband. No man is perfect specially with women, never compromise your chastity trusting that "this man i love is God fearing".. you could be a victim of rape(against your will) or adultery (with your consent).... its not the man.. and it is not you .. its the shaytaan who will not leave both of you until you get physical
Cut any connection with that man.. delete his numbers .. delete his emails ... never see him in person again.. tell him frankly that you are a married woman and that you are unable and unavailable for any relationship while you are still married...
if he has the least fear of God he will not contact a married woman with a husband and a daughter to care for.. A man can love two women simultaneously.. but a woman cannot ... the more you talk to this man, the more you will hat your husband... you will no longer tolerate things you didn't mind much before.. because its your heart that is drifting.
About your need for intimacy and affection that is a very understood.. try to win your husband attention towards you. I am sure you know what I mean. ( look after yourself, dress for bed in inviting ways, cook for him foods that increases his energy level, make use of perfumes ALWAYS... whenever he comes close to you he must notice it ... he will naturally come closer for more) Men are easy to attract physically if they have no medical issues... you have been long enough with him to know what he likes in bed, and what he cannot resist.. use that knowledge to your advantage .......
You also know all the things that make him upset or makes him angry and turn aggressive .. avoid all those things at any cost ... ( Avoid to say / do things that makes him unappreciated.. avoid arguments.. avoid trying to test him.)... just focus on winning him.. and be very patient because it may take some time before you see the major change... accompany that with prayers and duaa that Allah ...
Give your marriage all the effort you can to restore it to an acceptable level ..
if after you have exhausted all your efforts .. talk to your family .. and you have the right to end the marriage as the last and final resort .. which will have the consequences you know..
May Allah bless you and strengthen your Eiman, and protect you from the wrong ways
keep updating about what you thing.. and how things go with you
Continued from previous answer .....
intimacy for men is a great deal, there must be serious reason for him to avoid sleeping with you ..
This is a very interesting seminar that will help you understand the psychology of men vs of women..
https://youtu.be/814eR5K7KD8?t=3357
The link will open directly to the love affection part, but after you are done watching this part try to watch the whole seminar a couple of times and take notes and I am sure it will help translate most of the things you didn't quite understood about your husband
Dear farima,
I so totally undertand what you are going through.I am goin through same situation.But i will tell you one thing farima,stay patient.Maryam ( as) had no man in life but she remained virtuous,Asiya(as) wife of Firaun had a cruel man instead of husband but she remained patient,Ayesha (Ra) was widowed at young age but remained pious for her whole life and there are many examples.All i am saying is stay focused in your duty towards Allah.Thats what matters.This world is prisoner for Muslims.May be this situation will bring you closer to Allah.May be this is your way To jannah.I know we women need love,assurance,protection,some one who can listen to us and tell us that they love us unconditionally.But it doesnt mean that if we are not getting this from our husband then we should search else where.That would lead us to Zina.And thats the last thing we want.Have patience,read your salah on time,kkeep voluntary fasts.In Sha Allah that will bring peace.Also if its possible go for walk or run on daily basis.This releases happy hormones in our body and make us feel good.I pray you stay happy and find your peace
Your muslimah sister