Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My dad won’t let me marry him just because he is pakistani.

Dua woman at Sunset

Assalaamualaikum all,

I hope everyone is well.

I have a really big dilemma. About 6 months ago, I told my family about this guy I had been speaking to. He has good dheen and character Allahumma Barik Lahu, basically suitable for a husband. My family were fine with it so they told me to tell my dad. My dad doesnt live with us, neither does he have a good relationship with any of us. Occasionally he'll be okay, but we don't really speak to him, but I told him out of courtesy. I asked if he'd like to meet the guy I want to marry before the marriage and he  said no, because he's pakistani (We are bengali btw). He also said he will cut ties with me if I marry the pakistani. So i told my family that's what he said, to which they said oh well, we'll still go ahead with it cuz he's being petty. I thought, alright that's great.

So my family met the guy's family, we had meetings talking about the nikkah and so on. My family was mostly on board. There were a few financial concerns because the guy is young, but I said we'll just get a nikkah done to prevent haram from occuring between us by delaying the marriage and when he can fund for a house etc, ill move in with him. So for now we'd have a nikkah and live apart. Everyone was fine with it.

I read istikhara several times and didnt get any particular feelings, however things were moving pretty fast and smoothly Alhamdulillah, which is a good sign i think.

BUT THEN, me and the guy started talking excessively to each other and meeting up which is obviously haram. It was hard to control, because we knew each other for quite a while and in the last month of the 6 months, this meeting and talking excessively is when it started. slowly things started to go down hill. My family out of nowhere started saying that we shouldnt do the nikkah because my grandad and dad don't agree (purely because the man i want to marry is pakistani). But i said you already knew that my dad didnt agree from the start?! so why are you saying this 6 months down the line??? Why let my feelings for someone become strong and then tell me to break up with him??? My point was that they shouldve told me from the start, so i didnt get attached to this guy, because they knew my dad's opinion from the start. I was wondering if Allah put it in their hearts stronger now because me and the guy started to fall into haram. You know how sometimes we ruin something we're destined for? That kinda stuff basically. Cuz I felt like I was MEANT to marry him, because of all the positive signs at the start.

They are still allowing me to marry him, but theyre advising me not to.

Now I really don't know what to do. Should I marry him, which will make my dad cut ties with me for a petty reason. I'm 100% sure about marrying the guy and his family, but Should I be concerned that all my family is advising me not to now. In my heart I love this guy and I want to marry him, but deep down I'm unsure and doubtful now because everyone is saying not to marry him, just to please my dad. My dad does not have a good relationship with me anyways, he never really has, apart from sometimes and in the past he did. why should i marry a bengali just for him, i doubt my dad will have a good relationship with me after that too, so what's the point? And will Allah punish me for marrying the pakistani as it will lead to my dad cutting ties with me, which is a big sin, but is it my fault? it's my dad's choice. Ive asked him many times to meet the guy and see how he is like but he refuses.

Im so sorry it was long, but i hope i can get help.

JazakAllah khair.


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3 Responses »

  1. Salaam
    I understand your dilemma. I would advise you to go for it if you feel like his deen and akhlaq are good and on point end of the day materialistic things such as money and nationality do not really affect the marriage life you will live with this person. The reason that your family and father are giving you to refuse this relationship and nikah is actually quite petty and who knows if you do marry a bengali man he could be the richest man alive but his deen and akhlaq may not be in good order and he won't be able to keep you happy if that is the case. Speak to your fiancé and tell him you can't engage in this haram relationship anymore and that if he really wants to marry you and is serious about this relationship he should wait for nikah and speak to you and meet you in the presence of a mahram. If he agrees to this then you will know he is the one and truly wants to be with you and cares about your relationship with Allah. You should first and foremost think about your relationship with Allah and seek Allahs forgiveness for your sins and repent and then take the next step forward. Inshallah I hope you get all the best in this world and hereafter may Allah guide you towards what's best for you, ameen. Take care...

  2. Six months is really a short time on being able to judge a person's character sister

    I think you should know him for at least 2 years or so

    because everything looks perfect in the beginning

    I also think it is very Petty for your family to disagree for your marriage

    just because of a nationality difference

    it's not a sin to marry someone who is of a different nationality everybody knows that

    My husband is an Hispanic American muslim
    I'm Pakistani American muslim
    Then what?

    You need more time with this man
    You need to learn his faults and bad habits

    They will make all the difference
    And make sure he does not have another woman in his inbox

    Some men like to feel superior by how
    Many girls they can be around

    Suppose that the man is a bad character and you cut off all ties with your family

    then what are you going to do

    you will be trapped

    you will have to have someone do research on this man to see that if he is legit

    You could make a fake Facebook account

    with a picture of a pretty girl
    and try to flirt with him as a test
    and see how he will react

    if he tells the "girl", he's engaged
    that's a good sign

    but if not block him, both online and offline
    after showing him the evidence
    and don't look back

    because the risk is too big

    your family does not seem very tolerant
    and it seems to me that if they cut you out

    they are going to keep you out

    please way your pros and cons

    and think with your brain

    and give your heart a big kick in the bum

    because the heart often gets people into trouble I know from my experience

    good luck

  3. Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullah Sister,

    I understand your situation is very difficult. I am also from Bangladesh- though I wasn't born or raised there, but my family and relatives are also to a certain extent very cultural sometimes. Marrying outside the nationality would be a huge No in my case.

    My suggestion to you is that, if you TRULY and WHOLLY believe this is the right man for you, then you already have your answer and you should marry him. Your situation is not as bad as it could have been. Your whole family could have said absolutely NO to this since the very beginning. But they said yes and accepted it with the exception of your father. Now your family's advise of not marrying this man is unfair. How can they be playing with a muslim man's heart this way? 🙁 Though I understand they're concerned about your father.

    If I were you, I would show confidence in front of my family about this man. Marry him and InshaAllah your to-be husband's character and personality might change their mind once more.

    Another piece of sisterly advice, whether your father speaks to you or not. I think it would be best for you both if you tried to keep in touch with him either way. In this way, Allah may become more pleased with you and bless you further. (Ameen)

    I am currently in a more difficult, yet similar situatio </3 I would like it if we could have exchanged email addresses but I don't think the admin here will allow it :'( Either way, I will pray for you. Don't give up hope and keep praying to Allah to grant you what you want with ease!

    Please pray for me and keep me in your duas

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