On the verge of divorce
She is pregnant and awaiting the due date
Asalamu alaykum wr wb, I hope your in good health, I have been married to my husband for nearly 3 years but we moved in together a year a go.
I have known him prior the marriage and managed to convince my parents to accept him. I was 18 years old when I got married and my parents were not keen on the idea before due to the differences in the family, his family are not practicing and my family are religious (alhamdulilah). My father who is a sheikh accepted it in the end although he was worried. However, I have experienced many problems with him throughout our marriage including cheating on me with a 15 year old and have overlooked all of them.
Me and my husband do not understand each other, we do not have good communication, he works but doesnt want to get us our own apartment (we live with my parents) he says he cant afford to pay anything and i know he can, we also don't trust each other and now I don't hve any affection towards him anymore although he's been trying to connect with me slightly recently but i just cant stand him anymore. We argue a lot and I am now expecting our first child and all the arguments put me under stress and he doesn't understand it's bad for the unborn baby. I have advised my husband in every way I could to get him to practice the deen and learn with me and my family but although he doesn't refuse, he doesn't make any effort, he spends most of his time in his mothers house and his family members have not congratulated me for the pregnancy although am getting closer to my due date.
My family and his family don't communicate and they don't make the effort to welcome me in although I have done my bit. Now I can't stand my husband anymore and just want to get out of this situation and think we can both become better people without each other because there is more damage done than good I fear for the unborn baby and not sure if mixing with his family is such a good idea because they are so far away from the deen and I wouldn't want the baby to be influenced. So after a long thought I decided its best we leave each other. But my husband always tends to try and fix things when things are about to fall out and he even tries to communicate more with my family which he didn't do and try to study the deen which he didn't do just to make me stay and so he can go back to his old ways, he's always been doing this to me and always stayed thinking there's one more hope left but we end up coming back to the same cycle .
Anyway my husband doesn't want to understand that it's for the best and he's trying to make me look like the bad one by talking to my family members. I've been telling him for almost a month how i feel and i want us to live separately until at least after birth, then we can settle our differences he didnt want to separate and this made me emotional and stressed and I'd hate to put negative energy on the unborn baby when it can be avoided. I spoke to my parents ad they understand but they don't want to advice me to get divorced. So in the end i told him he has to go to his parents place and give me space (because we both live at my parents house so i dont have anywhere else to go even if i wanted to leave) alhamdulilah after a long struggle he left, my father also spoke to him and told him to give me space til the child arrives inshallah. The reason why he doesnt want to divorce is because he's scared of what others may say to him, he's hiding from his family at the moment because he doesnt want them knowing which is fine by me but what annoys me is that he complains to my extended family members telling them 'I kicked him out and until now he doesnt know why'
He sends me messages saying he wants to be the one to offer adhan to the baby and how it is his right as a father, he wants to have the child on the weekends (as soon as it arrives) saying how if i prevent him he'll leave me to Allah. i said i wont prevent him but how is it possible for a new born to be taken from the mother for two days when it relies on the mother fully. He is putting me under pressure. He just wont leave me alone and i really dont want anything to do with him no more but he doesnt understand.
I feel bad sometimes and ask myself if i am dealing with this the right way or not, whether Allah is happy with the way i am going about with this or not.
My question is am I allowed to want to leave my husband because I cannot deal with his problems, i cant stand him no more and i fear that I may sin if I stay with him because of not fulfilling his needs and he's refusing to come to an agreement with me apart from acting like he cares about the unborn child more than me. I even told him lets separate until after birth and see how things go and he refused that too. What can I do in this situation? And if divorce takes place is he still obliged to give me money until I give birth?
- filsan
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Salam Sister,
Congratulations that you are expecting. May Allah SWT make easy your delivery inshallah.
Personally, i do not think its a good idea to divorce given the stage you are in.
However, i support the separation as you need your peace of mind for your well being and that of the baby. Pregnancy is enough stress on its own so you do not need anymore stress.
Now that he's no loger staying with you, i would advise that you be nice and courteous towards him but turn a total deaf ear to his complaints and bad mouthing. He probably is just trying to unwind you and if you succumb, you will end up getting irrirated and stressed again just as you wear before he left.
So Sister, concentrate on yourself and your baby. Do not allow him to stress you BUT, do not ask for divorce yet. Wait it out till the baby arrives and see whether it will prompt him to man up.
May Allah SWT ease things for us all.
Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
Sorry I don't know what advice I can give other than to ask you, to speak with a scholar. Your father himself is a scholar right?
Alhamdulillah.
He can give you a good advice inshaAllah.
I request those who want to advice this sister to think well before you say something. Its better to keep quite than to advice something wrong.
jazakAllah khair
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
Assalamu'alaikum sister,
May Allah Make it easy for you and give you a righteous child who would increase your levels in Jannah.
Sister, at this stage, do not even talk about divorce or separation. But in order to get rid of the stress from dealing with your husband, go to your parents. It is a general norm in some communities that they go over to the mother's place for delivery. Make this excuse and escape for that place for now. Do not think about what will be done after the baby is born. Pray to Allah that things get better and your husband starts practicing at least the obligatory duties in order to avoid Allah's Wrath.
If he does not refuse, then you must try to make him act. But leave him alone for a while. You could get back to him after the delivery, in sha Allah and see how things work. You can try to see if you can change him and get him closer to the deen (but do not force him, thus making him further away from the deen). See if you can make your relationship work. If nothing works and you are still incompatible, final resort is divorce, but do not jump to this decision. And seek Allah's Help, He Is your Lord and you are to return to Him. If he denies divorce, you have an option to seek khula' which he can not deny.
He must bear the expenses during your pregnancy, and he may not deny if you tell him that you are leaving to your parents' place just for the delivery. If he talks about what has to be done after the baby is born, just ignore and say: let the baby arrive first, in sha Allah, you will see then. And if he is talking about taking the baby for two days, he must have been thinking about separation already. Do not make him think in those lines at this point, or the discussions will only be worse.
Do a lot of worship and read a lot of Qur'aan with tarteel for your little one. May Allah Make it easy for you.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
i cant recollect how many girls must have told me this but i heard this so many times '' bad boys have something very attractive about them'' and although at that age even i thought so but i always knew that the more attractive the package the more dangerous matter it encases within. Does any1 need to tell u sister that ur parents saw this coming? Mayb or most certainly but losing hope is like losing hope in Allah.
sister i have seen some wicked casanovas transform into pious brothers, right in my family and it was all because of the power of supplications of their pious parents.
You r pregnant my dear, congratulations perhaps this unborn has been sent as an answer to ur prayers. some men change soon after marriage and some as soon as they step into fatherhood, he could b in the latter category, in sha Allah. its hard for any believer to believe that a faithful servant of Allah should never go through any tests. however make astaghfar, beg Allah swt to forgive u for not trusting ur parent's judgement and beg him to make u and ur unborn the vital sources though which ur non practicing husband should b guided into the folds of islam. focus on ur child for now since his personality is shaping within u, his world is ur womb. its an important stage where all the basic development is taking place. dont disconnect urself from ur husband. appreciate whatever little effort that he is putting into getting close to u and try to reciprocate. Dont think of divorce now since u havnt tried everything to make it work yet, divorce is the very last resort where nothing works and everything collapses on u beyond repair and control.
try to involve him in the preparation for the new born's arrival. make sure he comes with u everytime u visit ur doctor. share with him ur fears and anxieties if any since this is ur first pregnancy. dont think of or bring up his follies. bury the past and work on the future. im sure u knew right from the start that he in not a practicing muslim but u still chose him and he knew that u r a practicing muslima from a pious backgroung and yet he chose u. sister this is a sign. generally non practicing boys prefer non practicing women. they c no charm in a God fearing hijabi. some part of his conscious is still alive and u my dear have been chosen to guide him. dont sign off yet. be patient. he will change sister have faith in Allah.
wish u all the best
btw have u guys started making ur list of baby names yet?
Assalam alaikum,
Sister Filsan,
If I make assumptions, please forgive me, because there was a lot details.
Firstly, you got married despite your family not agreeing with you-they believed the differences would be a problem. You seemed to think that you could make it work. I do NOT think it is wise to think of divorce because you are changing your mind rather quickly. I think the both of you have problems, but I do think you can solve them, BUT, one at a time. When you feel overwhelmed, you need to understand that as a pregnant woman, your emotions may be different due to changes in hormone levels.
I think you need to think about the following. You really wanted to marry this boy. NOW, you want to get a divorce. LATER, what if you want him back?
Both of you are young and sometimes make decisions to hastily. Now, a child is involved and you both have to think about this child. You, as the mother, and him as the father, both have rights over this child. If you are in a western country, and you both separate (not a divorce), they may allow him to have the child on the weekends. I have seen it happen--it may not happen right away, but when your baby is a few months old, it is possible. For this reason, I would suggest that you and him have to LEARN how to communicate in the interest of your marriage and your child.
Both of you should make a list of things you want from each other, and the things you feel you can improve on. Work on them one at a time. Stop discussing your problems with other people, both of you. Focus on your child-this will become a common focus point. A positive I see in your husband is that he manages to always patch things up as they are about to break-Alhumdulillah. Please understand that Shaitaan wanted both of you to pursue a haram relationship and now that you are married, he is working hard for you both to divorce!
Take time to reflect, remember Allah, take care of yourself. This will be hard for you, but harder if you part. Find some middle ground that you BOTH agree on and work on that. When you have a fight, or disagree, try to not talk at that time (especially because you are pregnant) and wait til later when you can talk rationally and not full of heated emotions.
Because he is not doing all his duties as a husband, it may take some time to bring him on track. You will have to be strong and stronger. The one thing you said about him cheating is concerning because it means he could give you a STI - this really complicates matters. I don't want to focus on this because you made it seem like it was in the past, but if it were recent, he should get tested for STI's.
Whenever the both of you talk, think of the things that attracted both of you to each other- be positive, even if if you have a concern, begin with "I really want a successful marriage with you. How can we solve _______________________________?" Try as much as you can and don't give up.
Pray to Allah a lot. Read the Quran aloud--it is very good for your baby. If your husband is so keen to say the Adhan in his ear, then reply to him and say "You can do that if you read the Quran everyday to our baby and with meaning." It will encourage him and put some responsibility on him and soften his heart too inshaAllah.
I really feel for you. I pray that Allah eases your pain and makes your marriage full of happiness and peace. Ameen.
Jazakillah Khair for this point. It is very much valid. The OP can actually encourage the man to practice the deen in this way.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,
Not only has your spouse been unfaithful to you, it appears he is unable or rather...unwilling to fulfill his role as a husband and leader of your family unit.
Before taking steps to end your marriage, please sit down with each other and talk. Get everything out that you need to say. Speak of his infidelity and how it has caused your distrust of him. Let him know that you are tired of trying to lead him in a way that will benefit your family unit and that just as a wolf leads it's pack, a husband is to lead his family.
You appear to be of sound mind and a very smart young woman. I think your husband being with his family for a spell might be a good wake up call for him. To be married requires more than simply creating a family...it requires responsibility...something your husband has yet to take.
God willing the both of you can work together to strengthen your relationship and save your marriage.
Salam
Divorce or no divorce,he is the father of the baby and he have his particular rights.You can not take it way.
Perhaps your hormones are making you irrational.Let the pregnancy period end and allow the hormones to settle.
Well, I wouldn't say they are making her irrational because she has a valid reason for concern as he is not taking responsibility.
Hormones during this time can make a woman sensitive and it can make her seem more demanding (and rightfully so!).
She just needs to deal with this situation with grace and tact and many many du'as from Allah. Hopefully both of them can grow up during this time by avoiding fighting, preparing for baby and asking Allah for guidance.
Hormones during this time can make a woman sensitive and it can make her seem more demanding (and rightfully so!).
Not always(the rightfully so part).
I agree in pregnancy female emotion work strong rather then practical knowledge. I also think sister should stay calm during this time. It's not right time to concentrate about anything els except your and your child health. This stress may cause difficult in labour a d birth. Now think for the child sister....
LOL
"Rightfully so" because her body is changing and she has to keep up to the demands and her husband should be sensitive to her needs. That isn't unreasonable--I didn't mean to say in a non-reasonable way--the semantics of this shouldn't matter.
🙂
Salaam sister,
Congrats on the baby!!!! They are the greatest blessing from Allah, they change you and your life so completely in a good way. Its like watching your heart walk and talk 🙂
I have a 8 year old daughter and I love her to pieces, she makes my heat so happy. Thank you Allah for her 🙂
She is from my 1st marriage and now I'm married 2nd time but no kids because of my husband's medical problems anyways. My ex husband left me for another women the day I told him I was pregnant and filled for divorce when I was 6 months. I begged him so much and his parents not to do this to my child but no one listened or even cared. Do you know i almost lost the baby because I lost so much weight. All I did was cry, my doctor told me to get myself together before I lose my child. My daughter was born and he never came to the hospital, his mother told my friend who was in labor with me that she wish the baby would be born dead. Can you image someone saying that about their own blood. Its been almost 9 years and I cant forget those words. It hurts like crazy. My ex never got married again because everyone knew he is a womanizer, he is a doctor has lots of money but now he cries for his own daughter, every time my daughter ask for something she gets it right away. She goes to visit him every summer and school breaks and trust me I hate it but I can't do anything because he's her father. They change for their children so much its unbelievable. my daughter asked him why did you divorce my mom and he can't even face her then. My ex sister in laws are doctors too and unmarried with their ages they can't get good marriage proposal. My ex father in law asked me to forgive them for what they did to me and my daughter but like I said to him I'm not Allah to forgive you. I never wished anything bad for them but you see how Allah works. I'm married now but its not the same. No one will love your child more then you and your husband. I know he's bad but have faith a little sister. After every bad times there is good times too. Allah is just testing all of us. Have some patience for the little angle to arrive. Allah can do wonders. But you got to have faith and pray and do dua. men have ego issues. But we as women as mothers and sister we always forgive and look for the good qualities too. I'm sorry but be strong and don't give up for the sake of Allah and your baby. And please don't listen to anyone that tells you to leave your husband, just think will they leave their husbands or wives for you, NO they won't so why should you. My mother always tells me that, she says never break your home for anyone and never let anyone come between you and your husband. And if someone tires, STOP them right away no matter who it is.
Good luck to you
Lots of prayers for you and the little one 🙂
Subhana Allah Amazing advice and I am amazed at the way Allah has made the people who tried to kick you from your lives to your feet on their knees .
Hasbi Allahu Wah Nihmal Wakee
Sufficent is Allah as a disposer of our affairs
Jazakallah khair for all ur sincere advice. I have recently found out during
The separation that he goes to shisha bar, he's been doing that behind my back and he told me
Long time he stopped going to those places. He's brother and friends are the one who smoke it and he follows them them, I was shocked to find out because he promised me never to go there and never thought of asking him because I trusted him. He was obviously coming home late and now I know this is one of the places he was at rather than being with me. I don't know if I can trust him anymore because he'd make a promise and wouldn't think of keeping it, he always breaks them all. I know no one is perfect but marriage needs to be saved by the two parties it's not just a one way thing. I suspect that he's talking to women because I saw few things with my own eyes and he refused but Allah wa3lam but our relationship is unhealthy and I wouldn't want to
Burden it on the baby. His family didn't think of getting involved with this issue, they kept quiet like nothing happened and they dislike me
And my family. And I know he cannot change them and that's his parents I would never advice him to choose me over them. I'd hate to put him in that haram situation but they really difficult people. Allah knows whats going to happen but I was thinking of ending this before I got pregnant as well so this feeling isn't just to do with my hormones. I told myself to stay because of the pregnancy but same thing keep popping up and I have had enough personally and cannot do anything to change that. If there was a lil bit of chance left left in me I'd give it to him but he has caused me so
Much heart ache and trouble.
by sheesha bar do u mean the hookah joint? ok that thing is quite a rage in bombay with the young men. i dont know where u live but i have heard that most of these joints have been shut down except a few popular restaurants that have a different section. it has to b haram coz it gives a kick and makes even a passive smoker's head spin. Maybe ur husband is not aware of its haram status. most people arent too sure. i remember my hubby got a personal hookah so we cud smoke together and i got such a kick i told him right away that this thing by no means can b halal, but those were the times when he even wanted us to try alchohol together so we could get drunk together astaghfirullah and though i wasnt very practicing, those words shocked me so much that he regretted even bringing it up with me.. but after that i changed and alhamdulillah he changed as well. he doesnt miss a single prayer and reads quran everyday. masha allah. im also encouraging him to grow a beard which he is not ready for it yet but he is still thinking. im sure by next yr he'll have a full handsome beard, i really hope. now no1 uses the hookah either alhamdulillah it just sits pretty in my drawing room like some show piece. just have patience dear. people dont change very quickly.
sister, just like my husband was, urz cud b like this coz he has some non practicing friends as well who pressurize him. he needs thorough counselling. u r lucky to have pious parents,but for him where exactly could he learn taqwa while growing up? his parents r not the practicing kinds and these r the trying times of fitnah as we all agree unanimously.
plz dont lose hope in him so soon. let the baby come. if u have brothers let him hang out with them more, in sha allah he will b influenced by better company.like i have already said earlier that u knew about his ways already b4 u married so its not exactly a big shock to u but its still a test so until then b happy and pray to Allah.
may u find success in reforming him and not have to kneel in despair for a divorce.
take care of urself and b happy for the baby.
@apple green
watch this video along with your husband . inshaAllah it will inspire him to leave his beard.
youtube(dot)com/watch?v=TtqI5U4TMYA
[replace (dot) by . in the above link & search in the browser]
_________________
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
i wasnt able to watch. . plz give me the name of the speaker and the uploader.
@apple green
type in youtube ->
Shk Tauseef Ur Rehman Visit Dubai Question & Answers Last Part 5
speaker : Sheikh Tauseef Ur Rahman
uploader is : rizwanusman50
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
im sorry sister but to be honest i couldn't even finish reading what you wrote back, not because i don't care because i myself been there and guess what. i almost got divorced the 2nd time too, my husband now is a womanizer too and he kicked me out because of his family keep telling him to leave me because i cant give him kids but its him who has medical problems but like i said men's ego is the biggest problem in men so when he kicked me out i was gone for six months and Allah and our masjid imam are my witness i didn't text i didn't call or even try to contact him by anything or anyone and that was only because imam told me, my own imam said to me just pray and don't listen to anyone else and that's what i did for six months straight. and guess what he contacted imam one day saying i want my wife back and it was end of Ramadan. and since then of-course things are not perfect and my own family and friends and including imam want me to get divorced from my husband but you know what, while i was out for 6 months from my husbands house everyone was saying maybe im the problem its me and who else would marry me and she has a child from 1st marriage and she is gone be divorced again for the 2nd time.but you know who those people were my own family and friends!!!!!!!!! that i thought loved me from me but no one saw how i was getting beaten by my own husband and have buries on my body and him kicking me out of the house when he is drunk. so when he came to take me back i went only because of my daughter because i don't want my daughter to suffer because of me. this world would eat you alive by your own people first so please stop listening to anyone and giving information to anyone. plus i rather listen to 1 persons none-sense then the whole world. now my husband talks to his family but after 1 year and he admits that his family caused a lot of fights so now he don't tell them anything and he told them nicely to not interfere. i know he's not perfect and im not either but im not either i have alottttttt of faith in Allah and i know he wont let me down and he is always watching out for me and my daughter. and to be honest before my daughter was born i didn't have any money to buy cloth for her and i was so embarrassed to tell my own parents but the day she was born that's when things changed so much now i donate her cloth for the poor. so you see time is never the same, Allah knows best. please have patience and go to your husband. my own mother says to me you listen for 5 years and then he will listen to you and when it comes to husband and wife. the wife always has to give in and trust me that's in every culture and raise. because i have seen it with my own eyes. now all i do is pray and just keep having faith in Allah. and ignore everything that my husband does why because im not Allah and i know one day he will get tired too so i let him be and he has come down alot so its all about having faith.
U really are a good and patient woman fatima08. May Allah eventually change your husband so U have enjoy a blissful married life.
SIMILAR SITUATION AS YOU READING YOUR COMMENTS HELPS
salaam sister,
just wondering how you are and everything else? you been on my mind praying for you and your baby. please let me know if i can help in anyway. stay strong and have faith in Allah 🙂
Jazakallah khair sis for thinking about me and praying for me, may Allah give you the like of what you prayed for me. I have been praying asking Allah for guidance and inshallah I am hoping for khair from Allah. But I still feel the same way about my husband and we're still separated and for some reason I have lost all love for him and cannot imagine me and him getting back together and this doesn't mean I am angry towards him or will hold a grudge against him. I think if I still feel this way there is no point of me being with someone for the sake of it as the relationship will not be healthy but inshallah I'll leave the decision with Allah.
Asalamualikum wa rehmathullahi wa berakathuhu
my dear sister please don't think of divorce right now .This baby is a blessing from Allah Subhanatallah .Once you deliver this baby In Shaa Allah your every problem will get solved. and yes its your husband's right to call azaan for the baby . just do one thing just place your hope and hav strong faith on Allah and please don't think of divorce. once if you get divorced then you will staying at home and that kid will be growing without fathers love so just have patience and wait IN Shaa Allah jus pray harder n send durood shareef to Rasululla
May Allah guide evry ummathi Muhammad on the right path Ameen ay Allah
salaam mualkum,
i think u should talk things over with him.......and take him to your doctors appointments or something because that baby may possibly just save your marriage.
uhh one more thing sister...he cheated on you with a 15 yrs old? wat do u mean by that?