I’m in love with a girl but my parents don’t allow me to marry her
Assalam O Alaikum,
I am 23 year old Muslim man and the girl I love is 24 old. We met 2 years ago in the university where we were both studying at the time and fell in love and now we want to get married. We have both graduated Alhamdullilah.
My parents are quite strict which is causing a lot of problem for us. Part of their the reason for their strict behaviour is my sister who is not married yet. She wanted to marry a person but my parents didn’t approve him but she faught for her choice and now they have agreed when she is 27. They verbally abused her, scolded her several times and always tell that; you have done according to your choice, now you will suffer etc etc. The guy she wants to get married to is in UK and when he comes back they both will get married, my parents don’t like her anymore.
I fell in love with this girl after what happened to my sister and tears are rolling down while I am writing this. To convince my parents, I involved my aunts, uncles and other family members; they tried but my parents didn’t agreed to allow me to marry this girl. My parents scolded me, my mother slapped me, both shouted at me for going to other family members for help saying that they are my guardians. I involved other family members just because I thought my mother will listen to her brothers and sisters but she didn’t.
Now my mother says that; she feels humiliated in front of her family and society for what I did. My father lives in Saudi Arabia and asked me several times to promise to leave that girl but I didn’t answer. Now, they think that I have left her but I haven’t and they are not sure either. My father asked me to come to Saudi Arabia to work their for 6 months or a year as it will help me to gain some experience but now he says that the purpose of me going there is to forget this girl by staying away from her.
The girl has informed her family about me; her mother and aunts are very supportive of her but they don’t know the truth; only the girl knows the truth. Now, if I couldn’t sort out this problem with my parents then she will get married in December 2011. My parents want me to finish my studies (Masters) and say that, after that they will plan my marriage when I will probably 26/27. I need sincere advice on this; I offer prayer with Jammat; my parents abuse her and me a lot. My dad even says that you can leave us but what you want will never happend. what should i do?
I am in a very bad situation. Allah will help me for sure Insha Allah but at the moment what can I do? I always cry due this situation. Please adivse me a solution for this problem.
Jazak Allah khair,
Ali1.
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As salamu alaykum, brother Ali,
Let´s move to find solutions, this morning we had this post published,
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/arab-muslim-marry-convert/
you are not alone in this, many, many men and women are under the pressure of arranged forced marriage and is causing so much struggles between our youth, but here you have the post of this brave young men that is not scared of cursing, emotional blackmail or whatever pressure parents wants to impose on their kids, Alhamdulillah.
Be always respectful to your parents but time for you to decide who you want to be with for the rest of your life, insha´Allah, you have the right to choose your spouse, many parents seems to ignore this consciously or not, doesn´t matter, the fact is that your generation is changing the old cultural patterns, Alhamdulillah.
But what I advise to brother bj,I want to advice you too, mantain yourself inside of the Islamic values and follow the Islamic ettiquete. You will have to learn to stablish the limits between the cultural barriers and What is Islamically straight, insha´Allah.
I want you to read everyday the following dua until you feel Peace in your Heart,
To end with a du`a’ of the Prophet ﷺ, who said that if a person suffers anxiety or grief, they should say:
“اللهم إني عبدك وابن عبدك وابن أمتك ناصيتي بيدك ماض في حكمك
عدل في قضاؤك اسألك بكل اسم هو لك سميت به نفسك او انزلته في كتابك
أو علمته أحدا من خلقك أو إستأثرت به في علم الغيب عندك أن تجعل القران
ربيع قلبي ونور صدري وجلاء حزني وذهاب همي”
“Oh Allah! Indeed I am Your servant
Son of Your male servant and female servant
My forelock is in Your Hand (i.e. You have control over me)
And Your Judgment upon me is assured, and Your Decree upon me is just
I ask you with every name that You have named Yourself with
Or revealed in Your Book (Quran), or taught to any of Your creation
Or kept with Yourself in the knowledge of the unseen that is with You
That You make the Quran the life of my heart, and the light of my chest
And the banisher of my sadness and the reliever of my distress.”
I took this dua from this beautiful article written by Jinan Bastaki:
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/islam-studies/quran/a-source-of-healing/
deserves to be read, masha´Allah.
My best for your best, I support you through all these struggles and I acknowledge your suffering, but time to heal, to forgive, to focus on Allah(swt) and to find solutions, insha´Allah.
You are young, healthy, full of energy, learning how to be your best and ready to be, masha´Allah, may Allah(swt) guide and help you to the best for all of us. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum,
Musa (peace be upon him) got marriage proposal from his father in law Shueyb (peace be upon him) and got married by saying just this du'aa: My Lord ! I am needy of whatever good Thou sendest down for me.
So keep repeating this du'aa, Insha Allah your work wil be done in the most swift manner. If you trust Allah, keep Sabr and keep living life as it comes.
21. So he escaped from thence, fearing, vigilant. He said: My Lord ! Deliver me from the wrongdoing folk.
22. And when he turned his face toward Midian, he said: Peradventure my Lord will guide me in the right road.
23. And when he came unto the water of Midian he found there a whole tribe of men, watering. And he found apart from them two women keeping, back (their flocks). He said: What aileth you? The two said: We cannot give (our flocks) to drink till the shepherds return from the water; and our father is a very old man.
24. So he watered (their flock) for them. Then he turned aside into the shade, and said: My Lord! I am needy of whatever good thou sendest down for me.
25. Then there came unto him one of the two women, walking shyly. She said: Lo! my father biddeth thee, that he may reward thee with a payment for that thou didst water (the flock) for us. Then, when he came unto him and told him the (whole) story, he said: Fear not! Thou hast escaped from the wrongdoing folk.
26. One of the two women said: O my father! Hire him! For the best (man) that thou canst hire is the strong, the trustworthy.
27. He said: Lo! I fain would marry thee to one of these two daughters of mine on condition that thou hirest thyself to me for (the term of) eight pilgrimages. Then if thou completest ten it will be of thine own accord, for I would not make it hard for thee. Allah willing, thou wilt find me of the righteous.
28. He said: That (is settled) between thee and me. Whichever of the two terms I fulfil, there will be no injustice to me, and Allah is Surety over what we say. - Surah Al Qasas.
Understand the moral of the story, Insha Allah, it will show you a mode of conduct.
Keep reading the Qur'an with meanings.
Hope this helps.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Salaam Ali,
I am sorry you are going through the pain of having to serve your family's pride, and being punished for the shame they feel because of your action.
It is important to connect with what is real, what is actually happening and see things outside of all of the emotion that is going on around you. It is very important that you can hold on you greater principles and knowledge whilst you go through this emotional trauma,
First, let's identify the breaches of religion in this saga - have you breached any rules regarding getting married and your conduct? it's up to you to decide yes and no in this situation. If you believe wholeheartedly that you have not done wrong in religion, then this will give you strength in moving forward- but it is important first that you see it very clearly (outside of emotions) and hold onto it with strength.
Second, let's identify if there is any real insult to your parents here. You know this better than I - can you see any clear attack on your family on your behalf, or any genuine and real insult to them in any way? If the answer is no, then this too is essential to hold onto for strength and sanity.
Third, let's identify your motives for marriage to this girl - is there any motive inside of you that is bad, negative or ill-intentioned? If the answer is no, the. You should feel a strength inside you - which is the strength of conviction that comes when a person knows that they are morally in the right and when the person holding them back has no real case for preventing their cause.
No we move to your parents. Again, it is important that you can SEE WHAT IS very clearly, and not be distracted by the dramatic stories that people will pump into you in abide to accept their case. A case based solely on feelings is really no case at all - there must be facts, and their must be evidence.
What is causing their sense of shame? Is the cause anything that is real, and evident or is it simply the case that something they falsely built their pride on (such as their image of your future) is now not going to be realised? The truth of the matter is that shame is the loss of pride, and pride is generally self generated. Notice how bad people can still feel pride about their wrongdoings, and good people can still feel shame about their good doings: these feelings are very much self generated, and they are self generated by our internal codes and morals, which are also self generated. They are not real in the sense that a pen is real - they are dependant on many elements to be real.
What I ask you to do is cultivate a sense of conviction. CONVICTION is a firmly held belief or opinion, that cannot be swayed. If you can cultivate this conviction by referring to Allah, your morals, your sense of right and wrong - it will guide you through this process and eliminate the emotional agony that you are feeling in regards to this situation.
Yes, it's a horrible experience to have those closest to you turn against you, but it is a worser experience to go through this with no sense of your own standing on what is right and what is wrong. Our Prophet (pubh) suffered so much abuse and insult, but his sense of conviction kept him going on. We too, all of us, will be faced with what can feel like an army of people - some close to us, some not close to us, who will gather on groups and try to change our paths for us because of their own motives and agendas. What we must do as individuals is hold on to what is real, what is right and what is a moral - and it is this code which will keep us moving forwards on the right path.
The answers to all of these questions lie in your hands. Your sense of sense and righteousness is also in your power. Pride and shame are the responsibility of the people who feel it - and we (as human beings) do not have the power to cause these feelings in anyone. Therefore, hold fast to your conviction and do not be swayed by the self generated emotions of anyone else.
If, at any stage - thou feel sincerely in your heart that you have done wrong,or you are doing wrong, or that you are about do wrong...desist. if you feel sincerely in your heart that there is no wrong doing in your actions, then Continue. Cultivate your moral code, and hold fast onto it so that not even an army can convince you to do something you see is wrong, or force you to let go of something that you see is good. If you can do this - Allah is with you.
All things pass. The parts of all of our experiences that stay with us, is the decisions we made,the reasons we made them and how we felt about it. By always doing what you sincerely believe is right, you protect yourself from the pain of regret and resentment because you can always look back and say "I did it because I believed in it" and there is no better reason than that.
I pray Allah sends you the strength of conviction, and righteousness so that you can pass through this test with peace in your heart, and harmony with Allahs way of life.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
assalam alaikum dear brother.
i know the pain which u r in. parent giving life to child, and child also respect to parents and in between child and parents argument others daughter make bad her like.
respect is first to parent but when parent dnt understand the child situation than situation creat lot of problems in many lifes.
i m ur one of the sister, its same problem and situation created in my life, we have got marry without imform to my husband parent becau they never accept me.
they created lot of problems in our life and they dint allow to my husband to meet me since 1 years, and in between one year his parent done his other marry with their wish, now who is responsible for our future life?
u dnt know in which we r in.
i explan u this becaus, u have to think by your self, what u need for ur future life. but dnt make kharab ur and any girls life because of anyone.
name is for few days , life is for few days, allah never give forgiveness if u hurt any heart becaus of situation and for anyone. we have to answers to allah in akhirah.
take care brother.