I am stuck in this marriage due to my son; how do I deal with my wife’s bad behaviour?
Asalam u Aliakum,
I wish to seek some advice regarding the predicament I am in. I was born in a conservative religious family and went to UK for studies when I was 19. I completed my studies in 4 years and during that time was a good practising Muslim. I managed to get a Job after completing studies and continued my stay in UK, during this time I met some new housemates, who had very bad influence on me, through one of house mates I met was a white Catholic girl and we started a relationship. During 5 months of this relationship the girl got pregnant and she decided to keep the baby. I was scared, so quickly decided to marry her.
She agreed to convert to Islam if I married her. Since then our relationship has been very turbulent, there is not a day in my life I regret what i have done. She still smokes and occasionally drinks. She only converted to Islam as a formality, all my attempts to bring her closer to Islam have failed. I also know her a lot better; unbearable and bad past (numerous boyfriends , etc). Also she has a very extravagant lifestyle and spends a lot on clothes, shoes and makeup and it is a source of frequent arguments. I also suspect she lies to me a lot and I do not trust her.
We have a beautiful child and I love him a lot. I am scared if we divorce, she will surely get the custody and I will loose whatever influence I have on child's upbringing. Also her past is constantly bothering me mentally and sometimes I think may be this child is not even mine and I should go for paternity test.
She has some good qualities, she has taken good care of me and the baby, she is good at cooking and cleaning and rest of household activities. She has been very respectful of my parents and has managed the relationship with them very well. I am not sure what to do, I am certainly inching towards divorce as we are constantly bickering.
Thanks
Jazakallah Khair
~ Jafferys
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Walaykumsalaam Jafferys,
Bro - you are stuck in this marriage due to your own bad actions followed by rash choices, not because of your son. He is the innocent one in this situation and is depending on and trusting you and his mother to bring him up with love and security. But instead the pair of you are bickering.
Just because things are tough, I do not believe that a quick divorce is the solution. Its a situation that requires communication and understanding. You said your wife has some good qualities, i.e. she is respectful to your parents and is kind to you. If what you want is a Muslim household, then communicate this to her. Talk to your wife, tell her what you expect from her as your wife and also what you want to do for her as her husband. Remind her of her conversion to Islam. Ask her if she wants this marriage to work, if 'yes' - then make it clear that you BOTH need to find a solution and work on it together. Communcation is the key. But if you cannot both come to a mutual solution after talking, separation may be the best way to move ahead.
This should act as a reminder that two wrongs do not make a right and also of the serious and damaging affects our actions can cause.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I seriously agree with sister z, especially the part of reminding her about her conversion, ask her if she really convert for the sake of Allah and for her salvation.. And if so remind her what Allah said regarding her drinking, smoking etc and influence her in every good way to stop it... I also agree with sister faith where she said you should become a good husband and a practicing muslim., with this, you would be an example for her and she would be influenced and become a good muslima.
Hi Jafferys.
I sympathise with your predicament. My first Wife behaved just as yours is. Always spend spend spend without having the income to pay for her spending. One Day she came in the Living Room and said, "I have to get out of here, they will be coming for me soon", got in her Car and left. Days later, the phone calls started from Debt collectors, Baillifs on the Door looking for her. The phone was ringing from 8am to 10pm every Day with People she owed money to. In the end, I discovered she had run up debts f around £170,000 by forging my signature to secure loans charged against our House. I eventually reached an agreement with the mortgage company for a voluntary repossession and in return they would not pursue me for any costs etc.
Now on checking my credit file, I have numerous unpaid debts in my name. I divorced her and am so easy at Heart and mind now.
My Kids were both old enough to decide where they were going, so in this respect we differ.
I am sorry for you and hope your future holds much better for you.
If you want to talk, please feel free to get in touch.
Best regards
Steve
Walikum assalaam wa rahmatullah brother Jaffery,
Firstly I want to congratulate you in the effort you have put in trying to portray a fair picture. During times of difficulty, when we are having hard time with someone - it is hard that we relate the story for advice yet simultaneously find the justice in our hearts to mention their good points too. So mashallah for that.
As you have been adviced, I too do not think you should rush into divorce. Divorce seriously is L-A-S-T resort, especially as you have an innocent child involved who needs both you and his mother..Unless you two have no other options left, I'm sure you too would not want to put your child in such a position. The most heartbreaking part of divorce as a parent is to look at your childs face and think 'what have I done to him/her?' ..and unless deep down you know you did everything to save the marriage but it just was not meant to be, don't even consider such a step.
I disagree with the advice that you should remind her of her conversion etc. Clearly from what you have stated, it looks like she did just revert for you (even though she didn't techinically 'have' to as a man can marry ahlul kitaab). So I feel like there is not much point in telling her something when she has not much faith in it. Allah knows best whats inside her heart, and I really hope that she truly has accepted Islam but from what you have mentioned, unfortunately it looks like faith has not entered her heart..atleast not fully. So I feel little will be achieved by going up to her and reminding her to be a good Muslim. It will probably only result with her getting more defensive and more bickering. And then Shaitaan will bring to your head the thought "look, I tried...its not working so forget it. We gotta divorce."
And that is when he succeeds as stated in an authentic hadith:
""Satan places his throne upon water; then sends detachments (for creating dissension); one of them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between him and his father or between him and his mother or his brothers. Then he (Satan) says: you did nothing. They will be made up with one another. Another one comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between him and his wife. The Satan goes near him and says: 'You have done well. And He then embraces him and says: You are so and so."
I can give you a way which I am very certain will work. Do you want to save your marriage? Do you want your child to grow up with both his parents together? If your answer is a yes to these heavy questions then you have to do something big too to make it work.
Don't advise your wife anything. Do not remind her to become a better Muslim or a better wife. Focus on one thing - being the best husband towards her. Be the best husband and to know this, study the life of Muhammad s.a.w and the husband he was.
Actions speak louder than words. Be the best husband towards her the way Islam instructs you to and I guarantee you - watch how she will change.
To not only sort this marriage but anything in your life, you need to improve your relationship with Allah dear brother. Be honest with yourself in answering these questions as I don't know the answers - how much have you yourself changed and sacrificed for your Deen? What is your relationship like with your Lord? You expecting your wife, a revert who as per your words has only done so as a 'formality' to change and become the fanstastic Muslim wife...have you been the best Muslim husband you can be having been a muslim all your life?
By being the best muslim husband towards her, you are striving towards something alot more valuable than even your marriage - that is of putting true faith in your wife's heart. You will be doing Dawah the way the prophet did it most - by the way he conducted himself.
This is the advice that one scholar gave to a man who had a Christian wife. And he listened to it. And you know the outcome? 3 years later his disbeliving wife became a Muslim. She changed the faith which she held on to so tightly, refusing to give up, because of how beautiful the example of her husband had been in those three years. She told him how she had never seen a man like him, a husband and a father like him, so this religion had to be the truth.
(I will see if i can find the link of that talk for you to listen to inshallah.)
Be wise yet soft and sort out what really matter..then the small issues like her spending and other such matters will all be put into place itself. Sort out what really matters and what dictates our behaviour and actions if you want a happy and blissful future for yourself, your wife and most importantly, for your little boy who is the most innocent one in all this.
Marriage is tough. Life if tough. So do something tough if you want to make it work. Doing the right and the best thing in life is usually the harder option, full of difficulties, involving a lot of effort and patience. And faith in Allah. Ponder upon this Surah in the Quran (chapter 103):
"By time,
Indeed, mankind is in loss,
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience. "
Was salaam
I undestand your situation and if you are with her just because of son then it might not work out in the long term and I would advise to divorce her. If you still love her and your son very much may be you can change her by your love and actions towards her. Afterall, she is human being and she might look at the fact that you have changed lot just for her and your son she might do same. If that happens then great, if not move on..Studies shows that being stuck in merriage becaused of kids is not good for anyone. I know It is easy to say but hard to do as I am experiencing same but mine is much worse and complicated.
Hope all work out for you. Ameen.
Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.
I don't know what is your condition right now..
if it is same or not..
I would like to advice you..
learn about Islam from right sources. Become religiously committed.
Do what a muslim man is supposed to do for his wife. Learn about the rights of your wife. Give her her rights.
Follow Muhammed(sallallahu alaihi wasalam) in all your aspects of your life. Read about how our prophet Muhammed(sallallahu alaihi wasalam) was with his wives.
Try your best to follow it. inshaAllah your wife will see the difference and she will like you and change.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!