Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My fiance pressures me into physical relations

Salam,Controlling man

Last year I visited Pakistan and got a verbally Nikkah to my first cousin. We never spoke before. I didn't know him before the Nikkah. It was a very quick Nikkah.

He's a Quran Hafiz, but he's seen movies like Fifty Shades of Grey and talks to me about it. I don't feel comfortable talking to him about this, but if I don't, he gets mad and shuts down on me.

When my family and I were coming back to America from Pakistan, he kissed me the day before. He also did other things to me that I was unsure of whether it was okay or not. I was taken aback by all this because I assumed that in a Nikkah you're still not really married (I thought you're officially married after Rukhsati and that's when things like that can happen).

My family and I came back to New York while he stayed in Pakistan. We filled out the paperwork for him to come here.

During the past year, we have been talking on the phone. In the beginning we were, I guess, in the honeymoon phase so everything was happy-go-lucky. Going back to the kiss, he would say inappropriate things and make me show my body to him. I was not comfortable with this, but when I refused, he would get upset at me and not talk to me. So I felt that I had to show my body to him to not make him angry.

Now I'm taking things into perspective. And I'm sorry to say that I don't have any feelings towards him anymore. I think if I continue this relationship, I might end up hurting the guy because I don't feel anything towards him. He continues to say he loves me, but I don't feel that towards him.

Also, I love school and learning and am really passionate about these things. He, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. And I think this is also a factor that I've taken into perspective.

Another thing: He can get very angry at times. And if I do something that he doesn't like, he will stop talking to me and completely shut down on me.

I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be with him either.

What should I do?

P.S. My mom once mentioned that since it was a verbal nikkah, we technically can call it off, but what's the process with that? And how can I inform the guy that I just don't love him and want this anymore?

P.P.S. I don't think my family understands the situation because I haven't told them about the kiss and him seeing my body. I think if I tell them that, they will want me to get married to the guy. But instead of telling my parents, I want to tell the guy, but I don't know what to say. What do I say?


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4 Responses »

  1. He’s islamically your husband and have all rights which a husband have in Islam he’s not just a guy. And I’m surprised that your parents haven’t told you these things. If he kissed you or you showed him your body that doesn’t mean you committing any guna. Telling him isn’t enough you have to divorce him or ask him. Nikkah isn’t a joke

    • For non-Urdu/Hindi speaking readers, "guna" basically means "sin."


    • He´s also a jerk and emotionally stunted. The sister should ask him for a divorce and find someone better. And take better care next time to choose a good husband, not just Mo Schmo who is selected for her.

      Wael Editor

  2. While I think your husband is behaving appallingly, it seems to me like you also have a strange relationship with your body and your sexuality. You seem very timid and not at all ready for an adult relationship. You feel uncomfortable with everything from kissing to having sex...and even talking about it. I'm sorry, but that's not normal. I think your feelings have changed, because your husband pushes your boundaries, and you don't like it. Which is fair enough...and, as mentioned, in some regards, your husband is out of line. But I really think you should try to get more comfortable with the idea of being intimate with a man...and do communicate with your husband. If you don't talk to him, your uncomfortableness will come off as rejection to him. Which is maybe why he's getting mad, lol. Again, out of order on his part, but...also understandable if you're keeping your mouth shut. Tell him you are new to all of this and need to slowly get comfortable with sex. And tell him what your boundaries are. There's nothing wrong with that.

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