Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive husband and cancer

I am in my early 20s who a few months ago found out I had cancer. At that time, I was working in a different country away from home. I was engaged to someone there. Upon finding out about my diagnosis, my then fiance and in laws proposed that we get married asap so I can have a home and family support while I go through my treatments. Alhamdullilah we had our nikkah done ASAP and I went through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. My new family was extremely supportive.

A month after my wedding, my husband started hitting me. He was a loving husband but he could not control his anger. He would be verbally, emotionally and physicslly abusive when he was mad. He even told me I am a waste of life and should die instead of having him waste his life and money on me. He was very controlling. He would hit me everytime he got mad and it would be a few times a week, over trivial things like not doing chores the exact way he wanted it done. He would hit me, then take me out during the weekend to make up for it. He would hit me again the next day. It was a never ending cycle. All this was while I go through treatment. I never told anyone about the abuse. I felt physical and emotional pain to a level I never knew could possibly exist.

I used to cry and tell Allah SWT that I never once complained that he gave me cancer at such a young age. Alhamdullilah He also gave me so much strength to fight the illness but cancer coupled with an abusive husband was too much for me to handle. I prayed for something to change. My in laws knew and told me to be patient.

One day my husband got mad at me and punched me multiple times. I had enough and prayed Istikhara. The more I prayed, the worse things got between us. The situation was causing me so much harm healthwise. But I was so scared of my husband always threatened to hurt me if I try to leave and I had nowhere to go.

My dad and brother travelled all the way to where I was and showed up unnannounced one day when husband was not home. After speaking to my in-laws about the situation, I left with them without my husband knowing. I went to the police station to file a statement for record but after they listened to what happened, my husband was arrested and  is now waiting for trial. I left the country to be closer to my family. I did not intend to hurt anyone. I just wanted to protect myself.

I can't help but feel sad at the thought of having hurt so many people in the process. People from the family who took care of me now blame me for ruining my husband's life and career. I pray for forgiveness everyday and for Allah to make things easier for them but I also feel like had my husband not hit me, all this would have never happened. Any advice will be appreciated. JazaakAllah.

Mimi05

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12 Responses »

  1. Sister, people from the family who took care of you did it out of their choice. They chose to have you married, proceed with your treatment and look after you. They could have instead also asked you to be treated close to your own parents and siblings and waited for the whole time period. While they were good and helping to you, it was not as if they did a favour to you out of their sympathy for your situation. This was a CHOICE they made.
    Having said that, I must commend you sister for putting down your situation so clearly, briefly and without getting emotional because I feel deep anger and hatred for your husband and his family after reading your post. I have seen how emotionally and physically challenging treatment for cancer can be and I just want to turn around and beat up your husband for attacking your already frail self.
    I am glad you have legal documentation of your case because you can end up DEAD in this scenario. Hitting is never justified.
    Your husband rightly deserves to be prosecuted as well as undergo professional counselling to control his anger and abuse. His life and career can yet be even more successful if he learns to control his temper or else if not you, he is still capable of killing somebody with his abuse. Then what of his life and career if he ends up in jail for life.
    What you have done is the right thing, no matter how much others complain. I even have doubts about their intentions. There might be more to him that they got you married to him when you were supposed to have such an intensive treatment, that included all three cancer treatment modalities, coupled with the fact that you cannot start a family immediately either.
    Sister, I would also go the extent to ask you to consider staying married to him because you need strong family support to help you tide over your health situation as you did not mention how long your treatment and follow up will last.
    Do not give in to their blame game, remember, you have been scared and feel threatened for your life.
    Life is a gift to be cherished. As long as there is life, there is hope. Hope of happiness, of increasing our rewards through various good deeds, of helping others, of repentance and of making a difference in our small worlds. It is this very life for which you are undergoing intensive treatment. Don’t give it up for people who do not value you and simply consider you a punching bag for their son, no matter how well they look after that punching bag.
    I apologize for being too straightforward about your situation in the last few lines, but, seriously sister, I salute you for the pain you have been enduring on the inside and outside. Your resilience is remarkable! May Allah increase your blessings manifold for your patience in dealing with your disease and May He Bless you so much in this life and the hereafter that all your wishes are fulfilled. Ameen.

  2. First of all, you are a survivor of more than the cancer.

    Secondly, you should immediately abandon all thoughts of feeling guilty. What about the pain your husband caused you both physically and mentally?

    And what about your in-laws and their absolute failure to stop your pathetic husband when he uses you as a punching bag when they lived with you and knew your daily trials? They are complicit through their silence. They were not really supporting you as much as looking out for him. Asking you to be patient? Unacceptable.

    After all they are his family first so naturally they will side with him. What if one day he just lost it again to the point where you were carried out on hospital stretcher or worse in a body bag? What about that? Or let's suppose you were pregnant and he beat you to the point of suffering a miscarriage? Once a beater, always a beater. They rarely change. It's in his character.

    He shows no empathy, remorse or regret. So there no marriage there. Whatever you do, do not go back to him. I dont really get why this is even an option. Forget whatever your culture has indoctrinated you to believe. Does he beat his friends, colleagues around too when frustrated? No because he know that will land him in jail and get him fired. Because it is not socially acceptable behaviour.

    I ask of you to not withdraw the charges against him. Let it go to trial. Trust me. You are doing him a favor. This way he may actually learn how to behave. Whatever happens, he and he alone bought in on himself. He let you down when you needed him the most. Nobody put a gun his head and force him to marry you. He needs to grow up and learn there are consequences to actions and that real men do not hit. If he won't hit you, it will be his next wife. So let him take the consequences.

    So cut all contact to that side of family. Focus in getting back to life, beating cancer and starting a new life at some point with somebody who deserves you and will protect and maintain you as Allah prescribes in the Quran and keep you with love.

    Forget what anybody says. Just look at what Allah says. Allah asks you to speak the truth even if it is against your own family and to not be oppressed. To be loved and protected by your husband. Your are entitled to love and respect. Beating is disrespectful otherwise why not brag about from the rooftops instead of treating it like a dirty family secret?

    Dont give in to their emotional blackmail or guilt trips. You owe nobody anything. You dont need him or his "support". And certainly not for the money or support. Forget culture and what people think. There is not reason to stay in a an abusive relationship. Its called abusive for a reason. Treat the life has given you as sacred and a new chance.

    Best wishes

  3. As Salam Alaikum,

    Sister, I must say you are a strong human being. I can relate to your husband as I am also same type (angry man), I too emotionally tortured my ex wife but after almost 7 months she is gone, there has not been a day that I do not regret. Everything is catching up what cause us apart. I will tell you why I said, I can relate to your husband because I am that guy as well, a guy who treat, talk softly to everyone, who will love his wife to death and wants to control her, and everything has to be according to his rule book. I never hit my ex wife but I think she saw it coming.

    Sister, I will never advice you to break your marriage. You need to speak to your husband why you took that path and what is bothering YOU. You must tell him in a calm manner, and tell him your family did what was needed for your safety. Tell him, what would your family would do if you were a girl and your husband was hitting you.

    Also, I kind of believe that there is a black magic or evil eyes. Trust me this thing do happen in the life as there are lots of hadith. Shaytaan get happy when he separate husband and wife, he loves it. Best thing to do is make a effort from both sides to work the marriage out. And in the end if Allah (swt) forbid that it comes to end the marriage, please have him only say Talaq one time only. Google on laws of talaq.

    Please recite dua below..

    Jabir reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Verily, Satan places his throne over the water and he sends out his troops. The closest to him in rank are the greatest at causing tribulations. One of them says: I have done this and this. Satan says: You have done nothing. Another one says: I did not leave this man alone until I separated him from his wife. Satan embraces him and he says: You have done well.”

    Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2813
    ------
    It was narrated from Abu Sa’eed that Jibreel came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “O Muhammad, are you ill?” He said, “Yes.” He said, “Bismillaahi arqeeka min kulli shay’in yu’dheeka, min sharri kulli nafsin aw ‘aynin haasid Allaahu yashfeek, bismillaahi arqeek (In the name of Allaah I perform ruqyah for you, from everything that is harming you, from the evil of every soul or envious eye may Allaah heal you, in the name of Allaah I perform ruqyah for you).” (Narrated by Muslim, al-Salaam, 4056)
    ----------
    It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them both) said: “The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to seek refuge with Allaah for al-Hasan and al-Husayn. He said: ‘Your father [i.e., Ibraaheem] used to seek refuge with Allaah for Ismaa’eel and Ishaaq with these words: A’oodhu bi kalimaat Allaah al-taammah min kulli shaytaanin wa haammah wa min kulli ‘aynin laammah (I seek refuge in the perfect words of Allaah, from every devil and every poisonous reptile, and from every bad eye).’”(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, Ahaadeeth al-Anbiyaa’, 3120).
    -----------
    “A’oodhu bi kalimaat Allaah al-taammaati min sharri maa khalaq (I seek refuge in the perfect words of Allaah from the evil of that which He has created).”

    (Narrated by Muslim, al-Dhikr wa’l-Du’aa, 4881)
    --------------
    Also, continue reciting
    Quranic verses and Duas

    1. Last 4 Surahs of the Quran (Al-Kaafiroon, Al-Ikhlas, Al-Falaq, An-Naas)
    2. First 5 verses of Surah Al-Baqarah
    3. Ayat-ul-Kursi
    ---------------

    I think your husband needs more of this ruqya than you do as he might be affected by evil eye or black magic, also he might need to go for anger management course or depression therapy. It is all about effort from both sides.

    If you need help please shout out here..

    May Allah (swt) bring happiness, love, mercy and blessings in your marriage.

    Allah hafiz..

    • Brother,

      Are you seriously advising the sister to stay with a violent husband instead of seeking the halal way out (divorce)? So abuse is to be preferred over divorce?

      How do you know that her husband is a victim of black magic? Does that apply to all abusive violent husbands or only the Muslim ones? So the husband is not responsible for his actions then?

      Maybe dont compare your marriage to others. This sisters husband used her as a punching bag.

      Its strange that because you view divorce as something bad, you advise the sister to only have one divorce. In other words she will be tied to her husband and cannot remarry a new man and continue her life?

      I have to respectfully disagree with this. Violence is not acceptable. Never will be.

    • Brother, I think you feel guilty about breaking your own marriage and think that advising others to stay married will give you redemption and some solace to lean on. However, no matter how guilty you are, divorce is permissible and this lady's condition does not permit her to go back or negotiate. If you cannot understand her situation, I suggest you visit a hospital ward and see the people admitted there. Would you beat them up for example if they spill their soup or their
      spoon falls off their hand? Would you brother; even if you had black magic done on you?

      • As Salam Alaikum,

        Dear momina and friend, I do understand your point of view. And I do understand both of you are concern about this girl safety and dignity.

        Yes, according to Islam she has right to divorce her husband though it should be the last option. What I meant is everyone deserve second chance. I am not saying her husband did the right thing at all. Her husband definitely deserve to get reported to police. And I am not asking her to continue get beaten up and keep forgiving her husband. I am asking them to reconsider and give him another chance. Now, I said just take one talaq, i think momina, you do not know the rules of divorce..when her husband say talaq only one time, there is a chance for them to get back in the future. But she finishes her iddah and wish to marry someone else, she can do that. I said to give one talaq because most time after divorce, people realize their mistakes and they want to rectify but if they have given irrevocable divorce there is no going back. Most arrange marriages have difficulty in the 1-2 years.

        I have no way of knowing if her husband or herself has been a victim of black magic or evil eyes, though it is possible. And yes, I would not want her to get beaten up at all or get abuse verbally, emotionally or physically. Most time in the arrange marriage there is lots of misunderstanding. So, I am asking her to talk to her husband.

        And yes friend, I might be looking for redemption. May be if only I can save one marriage may be Allah (swt) might just forgive me.

        I am only giving one talaq advice because only if I had knowledge or someone would have guided me and told me the proper procedure of talaq. If given another chance then surely most definitely I will be better with ex wife.

        Talaaq is the last resort. Other means of solving the differences should be adopted and there a few means available. If after trying everything and it fails then only should Talaaq be considered.

        The Holy Prophet (Peace be upon him) said:

        “Never did Allah more hateful to Him than divorce” [Abu Dawud 13 : 3]

        I believe all husbands are responsible for their own actions, as shaytaan will whisper in our ear but we have to ignore those whispers, there is hadith on it as well.

        Lot of people go for divorce in these days because it is easy way out but remember Allah (Swt) test us with everything, so this might be test for this girl and her husband so all I am saying is try to resolve as peacefully as you can.

        Allah SWT says in Quran :

        And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the patient, Who says, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”: They are those on whom (descend) Blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. (Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)

        In another verse, Allah Almighty says:

        He Who created Death and Life, that He may try which of you is best in deed: and He is the Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving. (Al-Mulk 67:2)

        Whatever misfortune happens to you, is because of the things your hands have wrought, and for many (of them) He grants forgiveness. (Ash-Shura 42:30)

        May Allah (Swt) guide us on righteous path.

        Allah hafiz

  4. Sister,

    Never. Ever. Let a man hit you. You should not feel bad at all about the fact that you made a report with the authorities. You did what many woman will not or cannot. Your husband made the choice to use to you as a punching bag. You stayed silent through it all and your in-laws knew it was happening and asked you to be patient. I wonder if their own daughter was being punched and abused if they would tell her to be patient? I think not.

    I have seen a lot in my day and I am here to tell you, this man is who he is. Be he 25 or 50, a leopard does not change his spots. You are young with a lifetime ahead of you. No need to stay with an abusive and angry man who is going to make your life a living hell. Move on and don't look back.

    Salam

  5. Your decision is right never ever regret it everywhere u go

  6. Salaam sister
    I must commend you for your resilience in fighting your ill health. Allah swt give you the shifah of our beloved nabi pbuh and give you shifa e kulli shifa e kaamla Ameen.
    May Allah swt give your husband hidaaya and return to his righteous ways in performing the correct duties of a husband towards his wife.
    You have been through a lot my sister and nobody should tolerate abuse of any form. Allah swt gave you the will power to fight both the abuse and your health and yes it came to a point where enough was enough and rightfully so your parents took you away before something major happened.
    My sister of Islam, just remember the time when you said how supportive your new family were to you during your illness and for this please show mercy on them that today your husband is awaiting trial and the possibility he can go to prison. Think of the impact it will have on his parents that they will lose a son and what will this mother (your mother in law) go through if her son ends up in prison? She will be broken inside and outside and will not be able to get through nights on end, ask yourself is that what you would like to see?
    My sister nobody is the winner here. You have lost your husband and your in laws will lose a son. the best thing you have done is move away. Please don't punish your in laws for his awful sins against you but to leave it all to Allah and let him face the punishment Allah swt gives him whether it is in this dunya or akhirah or both. At this moment you are in control of his punishment and once you give evidence then chances are he will be found guilty and possibly most likely prison and your marriage will definitely end.
    This moment in time I know your feeling anger and want justice so leave the justice to Allah swt and pardon his parents.
    Not a lot of people may agree with what I'm saying and will say he deserves it and yes he does deserve punishment but let that punishment be decided by Allah swt alone because what goes around will come around.
    I know of a family who has been through what you have and the police and trials were involved and the only punishment I saw was the poor mother who was stricken by so much grief that day and night she cried to her lord so please think about the impact on your in laws and what the trial is and will do to them.
    You have moved out of the matrimonial home and can get a divorce and start a new life if that's what your heart desires but don't punish your husbands complete family with the trial and possibility of prison. Just think that if you had a son and you was a mother in law and your daughter in law did this then how would you be feeling?
    Whilst I pity ur husband for his actions, I can only do dua that he receives help and hidaaya and may Allah swt guide him on the straight path. He will pay for his actions and Allah swt will be the justice on the day of judgement so my sister in Islam leave the matter to your lord and he will do the rest.
    Please forgive me if I have written anything out of context but my niyyah is clean and I am nothing but in support of you in your situation and may Allah swt make it easy for you
    Ameen

    Your sinful brother
    Sulaiman

  7. Hi sister, I would really like to talk to you. Is there any way you'd be able to send me a message on **** please? Thank you and inshallah we'll talk soon

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