Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Desires vs. society

"Lower your gaze" applies to men, too...

I think I have the answer to my query, which is patience. But for the sake of sharing my sorrow and having a shoulder to cry on, I'm writing this post.

I'm a guy from a highly educated family. My mother and father are highly graded educationists. My siblings live abroad and have their own life to live.

I have been caught up in an illness which seems to have no name and can only be described by its symptoms. It deprives me of sleep- at times with pain, at times just being unable to sleep. Computer, tv, and mobile all became unusable things for me. At one point I just spent a whole year in my darkened room, due to light sensitivity. This affected my studies, and after 5+ years, now at the age of 23 I am still in high school.

I have no complaints with my Creator. Allah gave me calamities for my own good. A person like me would have long ago committed zina and what not. I am closer to Allah now, and have a good knowledge of the Deen. Now I know what profession I wish to opt for, and have a goal.

But I do have a complaint about the way society operates. The west has invented complex fields of work, which causes more years to study to master a field and hence more time to eventually get settled. Our bodies aren't made in a way to wait decades for marriage after reaching puberty. The westerners satiate their desires by premarital affairs.

But I can't. Others might not be bothered delaying nikah in the desi society, but some have strong desires and since I'm one of them, why should I suffer? Some portray marriage as such a complex thing, as if it's no different than being jailed. Now I'm 22, don't watch porn, wish to stay away from fitna, sport a sunnah beard, and offer my prayers. But every so often when I get depressed, I just can't help but please myself. I wish to put a stop to it, and the only way is marriage.

Why is imaan overlooked in our society, but money and status are given more importance? If one earns 1 lac but beats his wife or abuses her, will it be ok to give your daughter to such a man? Money is a worldly matter, a means of survival here. But marriage is a bond wherein a person helps his/ her spouse achieve jannah.

I know I can only wait until I get settled. But I have no clue how I'd be able to suppress my desires for so long. I just wish that my Lord naturally calls me to Him, because surely suicide is stupid. Being a man with much, but still not much good health; with no degree, and not much of a good income, my existence feels like a burden on my parents...and then my desires are killing me.


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4 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah,

    Before proceeding, I would like to quote something Imaam Albaani Rahimahullah said:

    The Imaam said, “… as for the person who clings to the Sunnah, new doubts [that arise] don’t affect him.” Al-Hudaa wan-Noor, 6.

    The innovations and the 'civilization' of the west should do very little harm to a Muslim who has Taqwa and is walking the path of Jannah. Alhamdulillah, you don't watch porn and you strive to follow the Sunnah, but you have taken too much on yourself, causing you to be depressed and give up studies.

    It is important that you find out what caused you to do this. Of course, Shaitaan tries every possible way to take the servants of Allah away from Him. But he does it through something. For example, when he deceived our father Adam and his wife Hawwa (Alaihimas Salaam), he promised them immortality. Allah Said:

    Then Shaitaan (Satan) whispered suggestions to them both in order to uncover that which was hidden from them of their private parts (before); he said: "Your Lord did not forbid you this tree save you should become angels or become of the immortals." (A'raaf, 20)

    In our lives, we may find situations when we feel lonely or feel the need to do something or even feel depressed and look for an alternative. Some people find the alternative in alcoholism, some people in pornography and others in others. This is something Shaitaan uses to take us away from Allah, just like he had our parents removed from the Jannah for an appointed term.

    So, who is in focus in all this? 'Shaitaan'. When you literally know when Shaitaan is whispering in your ears, your heart, it becomes easier for you to deal with him and defeat him by denying yourself what you desire, that is against Allah's Command. Aadam Alaihis Salam did not know that Shaitaan was whispering evil, so he was mistaken. Allah Had commanded him not to approach that tree, but he did due to Shaitaan's whispering.

    The answer to your problems is not just 'patience', but patience after gaining Taqwa. In order to gain Taqwa, you need to know Allah, because the one who knows Allah the most has the most Taqwa. And in order to remain steadfast, you need to follow the Sunnah and understand the deen as the Sahaabah understood.

    If you know Urdu, you can download this app on an Adnroid phone and benefit from the duroos in various categories. I suggest you to begin with Tawheed. Alternatively, you can visit this website and listen to duroos online.

    If you don't know Urdu, you can visit this website and this website for English resources.

    Concerning your feeling that you are becoming a burden on your parents, you need to find yourself a job to let go of this feeling. Find a part time job that will earn you little if not much, but continue to study and get a degree. You could read my article, Mind Mapping: Identifying The Area of Interest, in order to find out the direction of your career and a job that will make you feel excited.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

  2. Dear Brother:

    I am in a similar situation like you, so may be I can give you advice about how to cope with such situation.

    I am 27 years old. I graduated when I was 22 and I have been working since gradation. Allah has blessed me with deen (I am just a practicing Muslim and I hope I do not over praise me), wealth, and health. Besides doing my job, I am also doing post graduate studies and I have a semester left. For my age, by the will of Allah, I have been blessed with money that many 27 years old cannot amass.

    It has been three years I have been looking for a righteous spouse. Allah protected me and I never had any sort of relationship in life and I wanted a simple girl. But after three years of active searching, I could not find a spouse. I have been rejected for so many ridiculous reasons. A seemingly religious person, known as alem in the society, refused to give her daughter to me because I have the sunnah beard!

    You know what? I used to feel miserable like you. But not anymore. From my life experience, I have learned that happiness is a choice. You choose if you will be happy or not. Allah has given us a very limited free will but we are bounded by His pre-destination. No one can do anything about it. That is why my happiness depends on how I react to the situations Allah put me in, especially in the situations I do not have any control over. I may accept the qadar of Allah, move on, say Alhamdulillah no matter what, and be happy. Or I may keep thinking why I am not getting what I want and feel miserable.

    Getting married is difficult in our time. It a fact of life of our time. So there is no other way around it. You have to accept this fact and be happy. I am not saying that you should not search for a spouse. No, you should. But if you are in a circumstance where you cannot do anything, the best option is to accept the situation. You have to find a coping mechanism. There is no other way.

    For me, the coping mechanism has been accepting the qadar of Allah. Either you commit haram or you obey Allah. Of we should choose to obey Allah. And obeying Allah means you accept Allah's qadar with grace. How can you say you accept the qadar of Allah with grace and yet feel miserable for not having a spouse?

    So I have decided that I will not feel miserable anymore. And by the mercy of Allah I do not feel miserable anymore. But at the same time, you have to take some actions. Fast every Monday and Thrusday. Fasting really helps but people underestimate its effect. Fast regularly and you will have a renewed appetite for food. Fast regularly on hot days and you will come to appreciate the blessing of water. Fast every other day and definitely your attention will shift to food from opposite gender. But make sure you always eat moderately.

    You can do many other things. Learn Arabic. Do some outdoor exercise. Memorize some Quran.

    Look, whether we feel miserable or be happy, our life goes on. We continue our journey towards the grave. We keep going to the hereafter. Is it worth wasting life by feeling miserable for not having a spouse?

    Rather ponder over the blessings Allah gave us. Had Allah wanted, we could have been affected by cancer. But Allah did not decree that for us. Should we not therefore use our life and strive as much as we can to be grateful slaves? Should we not use our time to prepare for the next life? Should we not use our time to ponder over our past sins and repent over them?

    Beside making yourself busy with meaningful activity, you MUST ensure that you do not look at anything unlawful. You must be very honest about lowering your gaze. If you do not lower your gaze, everything else will fail.

    So, pick your choice. Choose to be happy. Sincerely ask Allah to fill the void of your heart with the light of Quran. Do some physical exercise. Learn Arabic. Memorize some Quran. Confine yourself between mosque, work, and study. Fast every other day. Lower your gaze. Exert all your energy to become a grateful slave of Allah. Ponder over the blessings that Allah has given you instead of always thinking what Allah did not give you. Increase your knowledge about Islam. Try to increase your taqwa. Cook. Make a grill chicken or chicken biryani and inshallah that smell of these foods will make your feeling of miserableness go away.

  3. Salam brother,

    Great replies by both brothers above.
    I don't think i have enough to add but will only say that getting married is not the solution to every problem we encounter. It is good to have a spouse whom you can love and who will give you love in return but don't just imagine that getting married will help you stay on the right path.
    I am 36 and was married but now single again, so you are very young 🙂 Alhumdullilah Allah protected me from my ex husband who had an HIV which i found out after sometime into the marriage. We never had an intimate relationship because we were living away from each other. But he never disclosed his condition to me until after we were married. When i tried to be intimate with him he would refuse and i though he is just shy or whatever, but after finding out the reason why he never had intercouse with me i realized the marriage was only for him to come to Canada.

    Anyways its my past but the point is to focus on positive things and do search for a spouse but also focus on your studies and maybe find a part time job.

    All the best and May Allah help us all Aameen.

    • good advice,
      there are so many youths including myself who are burning in this unnecessary problem that the west has created and we are blindly following. How hypocrite are we? our parents want us to get bachelors, masters, degree before they wants us to get married. Which takes up to 7 to 8 after high school more if you have to work. And the hypocrisy is that during that time they think that we don't have sexual feelings and we should act like robots. They are so blindfolded that they don't think how many youths commits zina and other sins and deviate from the right path. But, i guess after all, life is all about money.

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