Is marriage valid after husband fornicated with another woman before marriage?
Salaam,
I will try and make this as short as possible! When my husband came with a proposal to my family he was having a sexual relationship with another girl [who I will call girl A] right up until we got married. During the engagement I questioned his relationship with this girl and he hid the truth from me, he told me that this girl needs him / his friendship as she has cancer, which to me I think is not true. On the second night of my wedding, to my disgust I found videos and pictures of sexual nature with this girl. I confronted him.
From then, things were bad, as I struggled to cope with this at a very early stage of my marriage. I cannot describe the pain I was going through, he pleaded with me to not leave him, I was living with inlaws [and still am] and had no one to talk to, I felt oppressed and cheated, my whole world came crumbling down. My husband was still in touch with this girl and with time he had given up contact with her as he told her I knew everything. He begged me to not speak to anyone of this as it will shame him, I didnt, I kept it all to myself and put my happiness aside to try and make it work.
I was devasted, this girl knew that he was getting married and she knew me! and yet she continued and didnt tell me anything, instead they both continued and he deceived me. My mother in law found out that we were having problems early on our marriage, but she wouldnt even give a heed of warning to her son, instead she would say 'it is shorom and shouldnt be spoken about'! Is the nikkah valid, as he hid this from me? If I had known, I would not have married him. I asked him to grant me a divorce bue he refused.
Even after all this, 6 months in to our marriage he was starting to strike a relationship with another girl, flirting with her and texting etc behind my back, exchanging of pictures. We argued, family got involved and he promised he wont do anything like that again. During Ramadhan, he approached a girl on the street and asked her for her number. They exchanged a few texts until I caught on, I called the girl and she told me how they met - he approached her. One day he lied to me saying that he is going gym however he was in touch with girl A and decided to go see her. He tells me he didnt see her and she wont tell me anything either.
He said he went to visit her as her sister had called him to say she is in a coma, when he got home I demanded that he call her phone and she picked up! How can she answer if she is in a coma?
A year on, my husband is still trying to strike relationship with girls he sees on the street. He has wandering eyes and would try and strike new relationships. He even met up with a girl and told her that his wife, I had left him! We argued, and we decided that we would start fresh.
One and half year later, he searches for one of his ex on the internet. A different girl - another girl texts mother in law on her phone asking how he is and how is married life, he then replies giving her his number after we agreed he wouldnt given his number to any females. And more recently, today I found out that he had been looking a naked pictures and sex videos with GIRL A, this folder was in the recycle bin and he claimes that he was deleting old stuff BUT this is a new laptop therefore doesnt have any old stuff. He would even have his password as his initials for another girl!
I pleaded with him all the time to change, he assures me that he will. But he doesnt, his actions speak louder than words. I have given him so many chances. His family think I should just deal with it and he will change but they do not know the extent of his deceit. I dont know what to do! I hate my life, I am living with inlaws and trying to make my husband and his family happy but how can I do this when my husband cannot be loyal and lower his gaze and leave his past. I have had family meetings where he has said he wont do these stuff again [approach girls] but 2-3 months later he is at it again.
I have, when he crossed the line asked him for a divorce and he refuses.
Please advise.
W Salaam
POPY
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dear popy,
asalamalikum,
your pleading him to change will not change him , unless he wants to change. you have waited enough and given him enough time to change his ways. i suggest involve family for a formal separation.take legal advice about how you can file for divorce rather begging him for divorce. please keep one thing very clear in mind DONOT get pregnant. which some may suggest that it will tame him down, as i know sometimes family suggest so.
get yourself out of this mess girl. life is too precious , dont waste it in trying to fix people who refuse to mend their ways.
may Allah make it easy for you.ameen.
And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.17:32
You have visual proof of him fornicating on video, text messages, and now he seems to be approaching adultery over and over, and not showing modest behavior. Gather all that proof and safe keep it.
Go to the qaadi (judge) if in Muslim country /Masjid Imam if in the west to explain the situation to him clearly, in detail, bring video and text messages. He will hear what you have to say, and see what you have to show. He has the power to dissolve the marriage. Always start with the local Islamic authority.
Please get yourself tested for sexually transmitted diseases, and ask your husband to do the same.I will pray for you both.
i am so sorry to read about ur problem. i am every surprise that u are STILL with him though, he is not going to change, he has proven that time and time again, i dont think you should stay around any longer. if you arent happy get out. maybe u can stay will family for a while. remember to pray istiqara if u ever decide to get mmarried again ok?
Honestly from what I have read on your post this man isn't going to change once a cheater always a cheater I believe in this lines, I wouldnt put up with him not even for a day, if you have a wife at home be thankful what Allah has giving you, if he still going to cheat on you then what is the point getting married, that goes for everybody not just him, I would talk to my parents about all this they might help you out. Insallah Allah open a better door for you.
Assalamu alaykum sister,
i am sorry to hear about that. i have a friend who is going through the same problem.the only difference is that she is not living with her in laws. they are almost married for 2years now and he STILL did not change!!!!she is complaining everyday about this and i really dont say anything anymore because she does not take any advice anyway.i know it is gona be the same in 10years. im really tired to hear about this everyday and do not understand how can someone complain about something instead leaving???of course he is not gona change ,if he does not fear ALLAH do you think he will just stop doing sins because of you??he is not going to change sister!!!!!!how many more chances do you want to give him?he is doing haram and does not fear ALLAH. He is repeating the same sin over and over again and on top of that he is lying that he will change. sister go to an Imam and talk to him about this, tell him evrything and ask for divorce. you should tell everything to your parents aswell. you have the right to be happy!trust me there are so many muslim man they would never treat you like this!ohh and please do not get pregnant!!! inshAllah ALLAH will give you someone better.
w/asalaam
As Salamu Alaikum Popy,
For the love of God, leave this person.
Save your self before you get sick or pregnant. Make this a learning experience and move on. If you wait for him to change, you may get pregnant. When that happens, you will be stuck. He does not deserve you, you will be better without him in your life. Do not listen to the in-laws who tell you to stay with such a person. I do not think they have your best interest in mind. If they cared about you, they would tell you to leave him. When he says he will change, he should prove it with actions not empty promises.
May Allah bless you.
Warda
I'm so sorry, he doesn't deserve u at all. Leave him like a dog. U shouldn't put up with his cheating ways any longer. He is not a good Muslim and is clearly not going to change his ways
some brothers are so lucky to have such loyal wives yet they neglect them and take them for granted.
sisters my advice to you is that you should just leave this man he has commited such a grave sin and he needs to spend time to repent. If he feared allah subhan watala he would not have did what he did.
You have been loyal to him and stuck by him even though he did those bad things. your husband has been selfish and disobeyed allah subhantwatalla A man who openly fornicates does not deserve a good wife.
get yourself out of the marriage ASAP you could contract STDs.
Allah has given you the signs sister has made it easy for you just leave sister this husband of yours is not worth it.
Salam Alaykoum
I think you want to leave but are not sure of how or where to start.
Do not have fear of a life with out him or the family only fear Allah 🙂
You are worried and need a plan so that is why I have included some things that I have known to work..
you are able to find a lot of resources to help u make a plan to leave to help you here is a list of some:
local womens shelters.
Doctors offices or clinics carry some resources .. and get checked for STI. those are infections that may be harmful to your long term fertility and some sti s are fatel.
Some Masjids have a Sister in charge of ladies affairs be careful on how much you tell, she is suppose to tell u information. DO not go into the reason why u are looking for the information just see if she can offer any information to help.
Immigrant support groups are now offering a womens councilor. If not in your immediate area .. reach out to surrounding cities and ask for a lady councilor. The counclior is not to listen to all the problems but to help u find and make a plan.
Librarians are wonderful wonderful places to look for local information.
This plan will need time, money, and commitment. Do not tell anyone about this plan to leave him. Even your own family. Wait .AStuffer Allah it will be hard to describe the images you saw on the computer to your family.
May Allah make it easy for you.
Do not GET PRegnant...
1) have a secret bank account with out mail being sent to any address. sew a secret pocket into a jacket and keep the bank card there Or rip the inseam put as much money there as u can to deposit to the account you might be able to get a safety deposit box there at the bank that u can use to store....
2) they will not let you leave easily, so you will have to get all your paper work together pass port, marriage certificates, id, landed immigrant papers everything. you might need to find excuses for getting your hands on storing these things but you sometimes need a little white lie to protect yourself.. if you leave with out those things they can really ruin your identity apply for loans in your name etc. and hold those papers over you and you will not be able to get them later.
Have a copy of your husbands pay stubs will help you to get a decent almony/ support legally or Islamically.
3) if you have any jewelery or gold they keep in the family safe.. get it out for whatever dumb reason.. ____ 's from the masjid, aquika with Ramadaan coming there will be eid and lots of family visits to wear and get your jewelry. Again get it into the saftey deposit box bank if asked claim i think i lost it or say you gave it back to the family safe.
4) you will want to have control over the pictures of your wedding if you have those. If u can store things with a friend or not.. gathering those to with take with u will help later on when u will burn the pics. its not priority.
the plan is a mental plan. its to give u hope and to put u into action. every sister is not in the same situations some sisters are not able to leave the house alone. Some sisters have more freedom. If you are not able to leave the house alone. I suggest offering to take some of the family children 5-10 out for ice cream on a regular basis.. and make a route that passes the bank. while the children order and eat ice cream run in and out quickly. you can use this for candy shop, pet stores... etc. YOu can say this plan is about 3 months to execute but since we are now close to Ramadan you shall have more opportunity to get things done in this plan.
Khair Inshallah be smart, know you are better than this man who has no fear of Allah.
We will all want to hear for you that you are now in a safe environment.
Do not fear sister!! Allah does not give us more than we can handle.
you are in my prayers. .
Salaam, thank you all for your posts.
Just wanted to clarify things
I have been born and bought up in the country that I am from, therefore I have knowledge and resources to leave if I wanted. I work and so I am not at home all the time.
Mary: sister I prayed istakhara before I got married and saw a good sign so I took this as a sign. To date I haven't gone to a clinic , I really should ...
Sometimes life gets better and then something bad happens , this is when I have hope. Hope is what makes me stay and fear of Allah as divorce is most hated but also permissible. Please make dua inshaallah
are you from Bangladesh ? You said that your mum in law said " 'it is shorom and shouldnt be spoken about' !! Well I would advice you to leave him right away, dont wait.. who cares shorom or no shorom, you are going to suffer terribly if you continue to stay. Give him khula yalla.
Asalam waliykum sister,
I had a similar issue but not as bad. My husband used to talk with girls and had photos of girls in a casual nature like out socialising with freinds. Still unacceptable in islam. He has never done anything since a year before i met him. Alhamdulillah but i still paranoid as i only discouved this after i married him. I do often think if i knew before marriage would i have married him. The answer is NO even though i have never told him this. But Alhamdulillah he has changed he grown the beard prays all the time, goes to the mosque all the time, fajr too. And is getting better each day. Alhamdulillah.
But a part of me thinks is my nikkah invalid becuase i did also marry him on the basis he had never been near another girl which he promised before marriage.
in your case sis he had a physical relationship and i know for a fact in Islam that warrents a dovource and you can apply for that. You need to go to the imam who did the nikkah and tell him what happend and that he broke the nikkah then you will have an anulment. You can get divource but you need to go to the imam who married you two or another imam with the contract. Inshallah you get freedom soon, do not stay in that relationship.
inshallah all works out
wasalam
Please continue to give me advice as I am struggling to cope.