Should I leave my non- Muslim husband?
Salam Brothers and sisters,
I need advice if I should leave my non-muslim husband. A little background of how I ended up marrying him.
My first husband (converted to Islam for me) betrayed me when he had an affair with an Italian woman when our daughter was about 9 months old. I was very heartbroken as he was my first love and I had fought so hard to be married to him and my family was practically ostracized by my relatives.
My husband was in the States when I returned with my baby. He did not keep in touch. Did not support me and our child. I worked and supported my kid and my parents took care of her when I went to work. Anyway suffered for years alone hit with severe depression and lost my faith in everything.
At this point I met my ex-colleague. He was already in love with me before my marriage. He took great care of my daughter and she addressed him as father. He is a wonderful person but sadly a non-muslim. After years of courtship, I relented and married him. He did not convert. He has all the good qualities of a muslim except the most important, belief in the oneness of GOD. We have now been married for 7 years I have 2 children with him.
Within a year of marriage, I didnt feel good. I was feeling very depressed again. I felt empty, miserable. I started praying more, performed my duties to Allah. I felt the strong urge to want to leave him. His mum was trying to force me to accept her religion. We had problems. I did istikhara to leave him. This ensued in a big quarrel between his mum and me and I left to stay at my parents. When I married him, my dad cut off all ties with and till to this date refuses to talk to me and equates me to a whore.
I left him and went abroad to work with my daughter. My daughter does not know he is not her biological father. He is wonderful to her and forced me to have a few abortions so that my daughter will not feel lousy or be mistreated. After 2 yrs, we got back as I got pregnant with his 1st child.
During these years, I am constantly feeling very lousy abt our union. I love him loads and so does he. When it comes to religion, we are worlds apart, He is into Darwin's theory. I have tried hard and pray for him. But I feel , things might get worse and I might lose my religion if I stick on. I am trying to cut intimacy with him (trust me, it is so tough). I told him I want to live with him only as a parent to our kids. We are going through a lot of difficulties and every task I undertake is faced with obstacles. I feel Allah is punishing me for my sins.
Which is more sinful. Living with him or breaking the family apart? I have no where to go if I leave him. My dad refuses to take me in as he does not want the children to be fatherless. My husband too refuses to let me go. He wants to fight for custody. I do not want to leave in bitterness. I live in a country where money is everything. I am in lots of debt and liabilities are heavy. My children love their father so much.
Another is my eldest daughter who is not is his... Am I sinning by not letting her know abt her parentage? Is it wrong for her to be close to a non-mulsim man whom she believes is her real father? He has been taking care of her needs since she was 2 and now she is a teenager.
An uncle of mine encouraged me to leave with him and pray for him. It is hard to live with someone you love so much and to have to live in contrl of your emotions for him. But the sins are just too much. I am worried about my children's faith as the head of the family is a non believer. I pray at home. He only allows my eldest daughter to follow me. My younger acknowledges herself as a muslim ut the infulences from his family is very strong too. He comes from a very close knit family who are very strong idol worshippers and my younger kids do get excitied when they see their cousins worhippping their colourful gods.
Please help me pray for me and give me good advice for my children and me so that we will earn Allah's pleasure, mercy and be placed in Paradise. I am in so much misery, unable to function. I worry each day that Allah will shut me off.
I pray for every Muslim, the poor, the repentant, the suffering, the children and the orphans. Thank you.
Seekingforgiveness
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Salaams,
Sister, I'm sorry to have to put it bluntly but your marriage never was valid. You married a non-Muslim, and never at any point did he convert. From start to finish this has been a relationship of zina in the eyes of Allah, and you have been in sin since the beginning. There's no question that the sin of zina is much more heavier than "breaking up a family". In fact, I cannot even think of one hadith where it says "breaking up a family" is sin, in the sense of your situation. We are told not to cut ties with relations, but that specifically means blood relatives. Your significant other (as he was never Islamically your husband) is not a blood relative of you nor your daughter.
And that brings me to your next question. Yes, it is a sin to let your daughter live a lie. Every child has the God-given right to know their lineage and who their father is, no matter how bad a man he may have been. Just because your daughter knows of her father, or who he is in fact, doesn't mean you have to bring him into her life if it's not best for her. But for you to actively hide the identity of her father, and deceive her into believing it's someone else- yes that would be another grave sin upon you.
I think the question you really need to ask yourself is this: which really bothers you more- being in sin, or letting go of what you're attached to? So far you've lived this "marriage" based on attachments only, not out of true respect of fear of Allah (otherwise you would've never "married" this man to begin with!) As long as you continue the sin you started years ago, you are essentially "shut off" from Allah; this lifestyle is not in accordance to His will. You are not submitting to Him. If you really want to please Allah, and find the peace and wellbeing that is eluding you, you will separate yourself from this man immediately and resume your status as a single woman honestly and openly. Not only that, but you will tell your daughter the truth about her father and free her to be who she truly is.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Amy,
I don't know if this is what the sister meant by "breaking the family apart", but there are Aayaat of the Quran and there are Sahih Ahadeeth about breaking family ties.
Abu Hurayrah (radi Allahu anhu) said:
“The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu
alaihi wa sallam) said: ‘Allah created
the universe, and when He had
finished, kinship (al-rahm) stood up
and said, “This is the standing up of one who seeks Your protection from being cut off.” Allah said, “Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?” It said, “Of course.” Allah said, “Then your prayer is granted.”’” The Prophet (sallAllahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Recite, if you wish (interpretation of the meaning): ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight.’ [Muhammad 47: 22-23].” [Sahih Muslim]
Prophet (sallAllahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Whoever would like his rizq (provision) to be increased and his life to be extended, should uphold the ties of kinship.”
The prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) also said "There is no sin that Allah more readily inflicts the punishment for in this life, in addition to what Allah keeps as punishment for the sinner in the Hereafter, than the sin of transgression and cutting off relations with relatives." (reported by Imams Ahmad, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmithi, and Ibn Majah)
Cutting off of ties with the kinship is a major sin.
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Yes, as I said before, I understand those are referring to blood relatives....not a step parent or spouse which are not related by blood ties. If it applies to spouses, there could be no divorce.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Heres how it is:
You live with him, live happy for a few years in this life but enter hell fire for eternity, your kids grow up to be kafir, hence you ruin their akhirah as well.
You leave him, suffer hardships till you find another practicing muslim or you decide to live single, avoid hell fire and your kids grow up muslims.
I guess the above two posts have run you through the rules and regulations of judgement. If it is has been disturbing you over the last 7 years then you shouldn't have entered the relationship. However, i'm not here to blame you or curse you. You were standing on the forefront of vulnerability and even if the Satan had lend you the shoulder to cry then you would have turned to him also. Once again I'm not denouncing your husband or trying to bring him into bad light.
From the way, I picture it your present husband is far better than your former husband and lot of other Muslims who follow of what I call ' Cosmetic Islam'. I am not going to say that if you are going to continue to be with this guy then you are going to go to hell. That is utterly ridiculous. This decision lies only with Allah. Heaven is not something that you earn. It is a gift from Allah.
I would suggest a slightly different approach. If we see your problem from a macroscopic point of view then your problem is not just a rickety marriage. You are also high on debt. Riba is a far bigger sin than the one that you have committed. So even if you get out of the sin of marriage, you won't be completely sin free. I would also like to speak in the defense of your husband. He has every right to fight for the custody for the kids. He may be a disbeliever but they are his kids and you can't simply walk out, take the kids with a truck load of debt. I would go on to say that is suicidal.
The only solution I can see is to be cogent enough to cajole your husband to turn to Allah. However, you won't be able to do it. You need Allah's help.
You shall not be able to guide all those whom you love; but Allah guides those whom he will and He knows best those who receive guidance. ( Surah Qasas, Chapter 28, verse 56 )
I strongly recommend you to refrain any kind of confrontation on religion. I would advise you to gift him the following two books and challenge his Darwin theory:
1. The origin of a Man by Maurice Bucaille
2. Miracles of Quran by Harun yahya
Then, you can supplicate to Allah to guide him as well as guidance for yourself. In the meantime spare yourself some time to make a Plan B.
Aafa Allahu Annka
"Heaven is not something that you earn. It is a gift from Allah"
Rightly said. The following Hadith approves it:
Prophet Muhammad, peace be
upon him, said: “None shall enter the Jannah (Paradise) except with the Mercy of Allah.” When asked by his companions: “Even you? O, prophet of Allah?” And He replied: “Even me.”
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
At least this time we are on the same page and have a consensus on something 🙂
@Muslimgirl, @Ahmed, @Ali al Sheikh,
Guys this sister doesn't need judgement please, she must be judged a lot in her community and is ostracized by her parents. We all makes mistakes, the very fact that she posted a question shows that she knows that she committed a sin and finds herself in a dark place. It's not easy being in her shoes since not only she has developed feelings/attachment for her husband but also he is a father of her children too, someone who her children love because he treats them right, provides for them and shows care. Such marriages are becoming increasingly common now a days only because of lack of knowledge of Islam and then off course our eternal enemy Shaytan is always waiting to cease such opportunities to lead people astray by whispering in their ears.
Last thing we want is to push this sister further away, we are her family as in brothers, sisters in humanity and faith. So, please show some compassion and sympathy, we don't know who will go to hell or heaven. It's up to Allah (swt) who loves us 70 times more than our mothers and HE likes nothing more than seeing his servants turning to HIM asking forgiveness for their sins and seeking guidance in their affairs. Also, there is no excuse to discern one's child or call them names. Nothing takes away the fact that she is their daughter regardless of how bigger a sin she committed. Let's help her make the right choice that will guarantee her Jannah even if it means by sacrificing her worldly life.
@Seeking forgiveness,
My dear sister, first and foremost sorry to hear about your circumstances. May Allah (swt) show you the right path. I would first like to say that try to distance yourself from your husband or speak to a qualified Imam/scholar who can help you decide the best course of action. From my understanding some scholars are of the opinion that women who have converted to Islam and are married to non-Muslims (including Christians/Jews) to allow them 3 months to study and consider converting to Islam. If they convert then they should continue to live as husband and wife otherwise woman should seek divorce. But as I mentioned it's for converts, since their is no marriage between a Muslim woman and non-Muslim man so your case is different. So best is to speak advice from a scholar/Imam.
Now coming to the issue of repairing relationships with your parents, you must try all the options. Get someone knowledgeable to speak to your father or an Imam, a trusted family member etc etc, I am sure they will come around sooner or later. But you must understand that they are badly hurt, you are a mother yourself and imagine yourself in their shoes. How many sacrifices they must have made to bring you up, be respectful and deal with the wisely. If they say hurtful things then ignore them and try to be patient and reason with them logically providing proof from Quran, Sunnah and Hadith. Start with your mother and iA once she understands you and agrees to help you then father will come around one day iA.
Then the issue of child custody, seek the help of any organization to especially A Muslim NGO or shelter who can deal with issues pertaining to custody in such cases by providing legal aid. You may be able to get it free of cost iA depending on which country you live. But as said above that you inform your daughter about her biological father and allow regular visitation, in this way she will spend more time with you and you can raise her to be a pious Muslimah iA.
The issue of loan/riba is a difficult one though but staying in this marriage won't solve anything instead you will always find yourself restless with no peace of mind. So speak to people around yourself, sisters group in mosque or you can again discuss this problem with imam/scholar who may have some useful suggestions for you iA.
You are most welcome to write here if you need any help iA.
May Allah (swt) help you through this difficult test and show you the right path by making the right decision. Amin.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
thank you brother Muhammed for you comments to the sister!!!
Reader
Assalamualaikum seekingforgiveness. First off, how are you? Take some time to breathe and enjoy yourself. Even if the fathers of your children were not Muslim, there is no original sin in al-Islam and these children are born in the fitrah of Allah SWT and have HIS blessing, even if your marriage doesn't. That being said a lot of posters are consistent on some issues. For instance In Islam a child has a right to their father's love, care, inheritance (if he's Muslim) and to know who they are (regardless of their religion). Cutting off ties of family (between your daughter and her father) or your father to you is one of the unforgivable sins. Your father should have SOME contact with you and shows little knowledge of Islam/maturity. You are more likely to rely on a Muslim's support/community/your identity if you have the support of your father
I realize your personal details might be redacted on purpose but can I ask where you are from? What I didn't understand in your post was a few things 1)does your husband/s not share the financial responsibility of the household and children? 2) If you are living in a western nation why are you going ABROAD to earn your wages and pay off your debts in the West? That seems really non nonsensical to me. You could save a lot of time stress etc by just focusing on your family and paying your debts off in the west itself. 3) Did you agree with either of your husbands before marriage that the children would be raised Muslim, or just their religion in general?
Personally What deeply saddens me is, without any independent data, so many Muslimas, and the vast majority of Western interfaith marriages, have been Muslima sisters, NOT brothers, since there seems to be this notion that Muslims men and their families happily accept such marriages. I noticed that most Muslimas simply judge or have a preconceived notion of "Muslim men" based of stereotypes, of non-Muslim media of Muslim men as: abusive, controlling, backwards. When in fact according to independent studies Muslim Americans for instance have the greatest acceptance of spousal education, are the most diverse religious community, have more Muslim men than women.
Nothing personal to the initial OP but I just fail to grasp why any man or woman would marry someone who doesn't share their most fundamental values. It seems like their perceptions conflict with reality...and I fear these perceptions may become THE reality. Could any Muslim, female or male please tell me the motivation for doing so, knowing you exponentially increase the chances of your kids not turning out to be Muslim?
In the three cases (vs one of men) of Muslimas married to a non-Muslima...nones kids turned out to be Muslims. One of the husbands actively forbade his Egyptian wife from teaching the kids about Islam (and this was pre-9/11) And all three had the contact and even suppport of their family in these marriages. "Traditional" families where kids tend to take the values of their father aren't specific to Muslims.
And let's be honest Omar al Khattab RA forbid the marriage to Ahl-al Kitab for men as well. He realized the generation after the sahaba were not strong enough for such marriages, are you telling me men who date and do haram are as strong as the best generation? I am not forbidding haram, but when you come to an uncertain situation where you can exempt yourself from any action (marriage), one should choose inaction. You will get just as much reward for giving up a girl/boyfriend if the action was halal, if you simply didn't keep that relationship
Dont destroy our communities.
Assalamu Alaikum,
brother Ali, the sister is asking for help. She is aware of her mistakes you do not have to blame her again and again. She is already feeling terrible. So what? She made mistakes and she wants to correct them that is a good thing and we should see that as a positive thing. We are humans and we ALL make mistakes.
Yes, what she did is not morally right according to islam but when someone is desperate and reaching for help there is no need to scold them. Allah is merciful and forgiving. No one walked in her shoes to know what influenced her decisions in life. Let say al hamdu lillah, she wants to make things right and lets support her without blame!
To the sister who asked for help, you are still living, you can still fix your mistakes. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. Just pray to Allah and ask him to help you to make the right decision for you and your kids. Do not be a fugitive, you do not have to change a country to do the right thing.
I will not say you failed the tests that ALLAH put you through, you are still living and you can make the right decision.
May Allah help you get through this hardship.Best wishes from me,
Reader
Dear Muslimgirl,
Allah is arahman, arahim, al ghafar. He is the most forgiving and most merciful. nothing is late if someone repents to Allah. I always ponder about Allah. He is always ready to accept us and forgive us.The Perfect One says that He will forgive us if we turn to Him. We, the imperfect ones, we can not tolerate our brothers and sisters when they regret what they did because we think we are perfect and we will never do what they did. Guess what? No one is free of sins even the ones who claim they are saints.
If someone is perfect, masha allah, but most people are not. In my opinion, we do not have to make the person who is hurting hurt more when all he/she wants is a kind word to get though what they are going and get back on the right path of Allah.
The khatib at the mosque always starts with this " Man yahdi Allah fala mudhila lah waman yughilu Allah fala hadiya lah". Please, think that if someone is in the straight path it is a gift from Allah.
Muslimgirl, have a blessed day,
Reader
Wonderful! Love this post
@ WAEL plz read, do not just delete posts without notifying or warning and deleting selected posts which I had an advantage over an arguement. There was a post where, ayatbinthamza, came up with some story about prophet and I came with an arguement which was a fact and Islamic. But you behaviour of deleting valid arguements seems to injustice done on genuine people here atleast to me. I've seen tremendous insulting, bad words posts here and more humiliating, mine havn't reach that far and yet i'm in moderation, which i'll be fine with inshallah. But plz nxt time put more justice into your work and i will put less offensive post. I loved your work and so i try to control my anger bro. Is there a way to write to you privately ? Thanks.
Ali, I have restored that post. In general I have deleted your posts and put you on moderated status not because of the validity of your comments, but because of your attitude. You have made comments such as:
"OH MY GOD, subhana'Allah. No offence but What kind of muslimah are you ?"
and
"I know its late to comment about part of your post but I had to as I find it ridiculous." (that was directed at one of our Editors.
Be gentle with people and be kind. If you disagree, then do it in the best way, with wisdom and clear reason.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazak'Allah khayr !!
AS Wael you need to really moderator the non-English speaking people better. Not only is it difficult to read and understand their posts, often times because they have never lived in a society where Muslims are the majority, feel no empathy towards our struggle of living in a society where most of the people we interact with are non-Muslims, including sometimes people you "fall in love/lust" with.
This is why I was curious about the origin of the poster. One of the Muslim women who married a non-Muslim/Jewish man was an Uzbek lady. What you don't realize is that some people didn't even have the blessing of practicing Islam. When she grew up in the Soviet Union they forbid public worship. She never learned anything past that she was Muslim, not even how to pray. Even the UZBEK language in the main city was replaced by Russian and many Uzbeks in Tashkent she told me didn't know how to speak their own language. Islam has been surpressed in many places, even in majority Muslim nations like Turkey where a girl can't wear hijab to university, a right Muslim women have in the West.
Maybe the OP grew up in a similar circumstance. She is reaching out and I hope she makes the right decisions now and shows her daughter she could be the mother her father couldn't be to her when he cut off ties. May Allah SWT give her the courage to lead a pious life and be an example for her 'husband' who inshallah seeing her action may turn to Islam too. Ameen!
Brother, I don't even have time to read all the comments, let alone moderate them. You want to help? I ask that seriously.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam,
Thanks for deleting my comment!!!
Masha Allah My Dear Sister,
This is a heavy test for you but it come down to two parts:
Obey Allah or Obey your desires . May Allah make it easy for you love for his sake.
Indeed there will come a day when the sun will be a mile above the people heads and the sweat will come up to the ears the hell fire will be laid open and the paradise will be open and mankind will be terrorfied standing waiting for their recokoning but one of the people who will have a cool shade on this day.... one who loved his brother only for the sake of Allah! ( Do you believe your love will lead you to the destination that you would like to go?)
Now if that's not enough to ponder on, think of your intimate times with him. He must make a dua'a every time he enters you for intercourse or Shaytian will precede him and enter into your private parts and share in the portion of sex you him. Ask yourself How can he make dua'a "Oh Allah protect us from Satan and keep Satan away from what you grant us."
You Dear Sister take on the religion of your husband. How can the head of your household guide you the right way if he is not on the right path?
How can he call the adhan in the home to remove the devils?
How can he lead you in salah or go to the masjis with you on the Eid?
Does he say Bismillah when he enters the home or eat his food?
Does he make istingah when he leave from the toilet?
How does he slaughter for your festivities?
How does he go with you to hajj?
Do you get my point?
But even if he did all of these things Allah would still not accept it from him until he removes himself from the only sin that Allah does not forgive Shirk... May Allah Guide him to the truth of Islam but for now Sister...
You have a choice to make The Lord of the World or a Man. I know it's hard but you must choose wisely!
By the way Sister Allah will make a way out of every difficult situation but you must trust in him. May Allah help you in all of your affair ameen
Assalamu'alaikum dear Brothers and Sisters,
I thank you so much for your replies. I know I have to make a decision soon to earn Allah's pleasure and earn the Eternity for my kids and myself. I will be taking up some of the options given to me.
Just for clarifications:
My ex-husband is nowhere to be found. He has cut off all ties with us. I intend to inform my daughter about him but I do know that he has left Islam.
I live in a non-muslim country in the East. There are not many support for us here. Secular laws. We do have a Muslim organization here but the civil law will apply here for child custody.
I need to increase my prayers for Allah's guidance and make the right decision in the light of Islam. I love Allah. I do admit I am a weak person by nature and have allowed my heart to rule my head. In utmost regret. I need all the strength to do what I have to do and I know only Allah can help me in this matter.
I am in no way upset with any of the comments given. I truly appreciate all your advises. Though most I am aware, it does awaken one when reminders are given.
Thank you so much dear Brothers and Sisters. Please pray for my family and I pray for every Muslim, every repentant soul, every suffering and all children.
Assalamualaikum, Subhan Allah, with so much goodness in you, I wonder w hy Allah let you stray for that short period of your life... May Allah bless you and your family and protect you and guide you to that which is best for you in both worlds.
I find it bothersome that no one pointed out your father's stubbornness is adding to your misery. Make supplication for him also to relent on you and protect you from becoming more vulnerable than you already are. I would advise you to talk to your uncle to in turn talk to your father. Your father considering you a whore will not make him guilt free. He is partly to be blamed for perhaps not giving you a proper understanding of your religion which might have caused you to make the same mistake twice. Your fathers support and help both emotionally and financially will enable you to make a sound decision before it I'd too late.
May Allah guide us all. Aameen.
brother
I just need 2 point out y the father is to be blamed for her daughter sins , her father did not talk 2 her coz of her first marriage with a person he didnt like and where does his father come in picture as the decision was totla the sisters keeping his father in shadow the impact she is facing till now
The term "whore" i dnt knw whether sister father has actually said or not so cant comment on that
Also u said the lack of religion teaching from her father well do u knw that his father really didnt teach her quran and hadith if not plz refrain from such things and making the same mistake twice well ever muslimah knows that marrying a non muslim is haram and comparable to zina its not her fathers mistake in this and dnt tell me she didnt knw as well.
As per my observation its not her fathers mistake though he needs 2 support her daughter at such time but it noway her fathers mistake at all
Also whether u live in a non muslim country as in previous comment it is not something that u dnt find good muslim men and speaking abtnon muslim country in the east(as mentioned by sister) u ppl must have and idea which is it and if its the same where thr is no shortage of gud muslim ppl in it.
As per other things it has been already been answered by brothers and sister hope it will help this sister.
Dear,
It is very upsetting to know what you are going through,all I can do for you right now is pray,I believe in miracles and that Allah listens,if you are guilty and really are asking Allah to help you out and forgive you,trust me you will end up with the best option provided by Allah,just keep on praying hard,have patience and whenever you feel depressed,sorry or worried take some time out,relax,offer nafil and speakup,tell Allah what you intend to do,what do you want,tell him everything and ask him to lead you towards the best way.
InshaAllah you will feel gud soon,Allah knows everything,trust him,he loves you and your family,don't get worried,stay calm.It takes time when Allah is working.
Smile and be happy,
Allah Bless you and people around you.
Regards,Sarah 🙂