Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Parents Are Forcing Me To Move To Pakistan

Forced marriage poster for people in the UK

Salam,

I really am starting to hate my parents day by day, I can’t love them if they’re going to force an arranged marriage on me & now they want to force  me to move to Pakistan for two years which I strongly oppose. I’m 18 so I’m an adult and I’m seriously not even going to think about moving to Pakistan so I’m actually considering calling the police or anyone to help me out of this situation. I love Canada and my other 4 siblings feel the exact same way and we don’t want to move. Convincing them and talking with them isn’t going to work I need to start taking action. I’d never think I’d actually feel so much hate towards my parents but it’s starting to get unhealthy that I really don’t care for them anymore. How do I stay?

fatima0000


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10 Responses »

  1. It is haraam for the guardian (wali) of the woman to force her to marry someone she does not want and does not like, because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The virgin should not be given in marriage until her permission has been sought.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6968; Muslim, 1419.

    https://islamqa.info/en/163990

    Tell this to your parents maybe they will listen

  2. Asalamulikum Sister

    First, I would say take a deep breath and close your eyes. Secondly, don't think bad about your parents, be optimistic and positive. thirdly: Islamically your parents cant force you in a marriage without your consent. This is clearly against the teachings of Islam. Don't forget your parents love you, try to reason this with them with love and make them understand that you are not willing to be forced into this marriage (If you really think you are).

    Your parents might be thinking from a different perspective so your negative attitude at this point will only make matters worse.

    Don't EVER call the police, this is just not the way to get things sorted out. Don't let Shaitn win the battle.

    I would also advise getting someone else to speak with your parent instead of you doing it by yourself. The person should have good relation with your parents and you can take him/her in confidence, surely this can help.

    Its obligation on you to be obedient towards your parents but marriage cant be forced as its your right ..

    Also reflect on yourself. It might be something you do or have done that which is forcing your parents to make decision against your will. A mature adult doesnt claims to be an adult @ 18 years. Its a growing age and we all make mistakes, so also look in to your actions, attitude, doings etc and try to eliminate them and get your parents in confidence to solve the problems mutually.

    You live and learn everyday: it hard to do but be patient and use your wisdom. Your parents love you .. trust me they do...

    Pray to Allah and insh-Allah He will make a way out

    • This is the worst advice you could give to someone ever.

    • Your advise is non sense and stupid .

      Sister ,

      You don't have to obey your parents in this case . Never go back to a third class country like Pakistan where you never know you will be killed by your in laws for money/honour killings .

      You are lucky to be citizen of Canada and never moves out .

      You can be a good Muslim and obedient daughter for your parents for other things (not marriage one) from Canada too .

  3. Assalamualaikum,

    You are an adult, so no one can force you to go to foreign country. Clearly, you do not want to be in an arranged marriage, so just say no and never change that answer. In the meantime and long run, pursue your studies and prepare yourself for career or job in which you can support yourself. You can NEVER, however, visit your parents' homeland because they WILL unduly pressure or force you to marry someone, and it's then your real problems and nightmare will begin. Consider this a very serious matter because your parents' position won't change and they'll be relentless in getting you to follow their wishes.

  4. I find that the other people above's advice to you are very useless and pointless. I mean, what do they expect will happen if you "just tell them" that they have no right to force you into a marriage, Islamically? They won't give a shit and send you off to Pakistan sooner rather than later.

    As you say yourself, your parents have their mind set on sending you and your siblings off to Pakistan. You can't talk them out of it, so you are correct in thinking about involving some kind of authority that can help you. Contact a social worker, the police...it's not easy to involve the authorities in family matters, but sometimes it's necessary.

    • You know ... I scolded you in a previous comment you made ... but I'm starting to find myself liking your recent posts more and more. Although unnecessarily harsh at times, you say what needs to be said.

      • I agree. Lindita you say it like how it is, to the point, no BS-ing.

        Pakistani culture is very dominating. I can't believe old school forced marriages is still happening in this modern day. Parents threatening to disown you, punish you for not marrying of their choice. Religion is just a tag for them. Not in their hearts and practices. If your in UK, reach out the forced marriage organization there, there should be a number for hotline crisis.

  5. Don't get the authorities involved, you will end up splitting the family. Just move out and make a home for yourself so when its time for your sisters to move to Pakistan or whatever , so that they can come and move in with you.

  6. Assalaamualaikum

    We have an obligation to treat our parents with respect, but in my opinion, respect does not equal blind obedience. You can respect and love someone and tell them that you think their views on something are wrong, or that you don't want to do something they are suggesting.You and your siblings have rights too, and you are entitled to expect that those are respected.

    As a first step, it might be helpful to think about why your parents might want you to move to Pakistan - understanding or at least identifying someone's motivations can make it easier to discuss the subject with them. Are they concerned about aspects of the culture you live in at the moment? Do they want you to experience the culture of their youth? Is it so that they can marry you to somebody?

    Once you know something of why they want you to go, you can prepare your case for staying, with specific reference to their reasons for wanting you to go. They're worried about the culture where you live? - show them examples of how that culture has been a positive influence, how the negative aspects can be managed, that no human culture is perfect (including Pakistani culture), and that The Prophet (peace be upon him) and his Companions lived in and travelled to many different cultures. They want you to marry someone you don't want to marry? - show them the evidence that forced marriage is invalid in Islam, and illegal in many places in the world,and be clear that you will not under any circumstances consent to it.

    While you're preparing your arguments, also make sure you get some support for your position - a respected community representative, a relative, your sisters... - and make sure you have a back-up plan in case your parents don't respect your position and you need to leave the situation. There are various women's groups and resources available for young Muslim women, and you should inshaAllah be able to find one local to you. You might also have a friend who would be able to let you stay with them for a while. I would also make sure that you have a "grab bag" with your essential items in it (passport, bank cards, ID, a change of clothes, mobile phone and charger, important addresses, some cash...) so that in the event of a major issue you can quickly remove yourself from the situation.

    If your parents continue to refuse to respect your position and you believe they are going to force you and/or your siblings to go to Pakistan and/or marry someone without your consent, you have the right to ask the authorities to intervene to help you protect your rights. Social services and the police may be able to help, and you could access these either through your local offices or by speaking with your doctor or if you are at college or university you could speak with a trusted lecturer/tutor. As you are 18, you may also be able to assume responsibility for caring for younger siblings, so that inshaAllah you could remain together. This is a big step and shouldn't be taken lightly, but if it's the only way to protect your rights and the rights of your siblings, then you might need to.

    Before making any major decisions, pray istikhara and ask Allah to guide you. We have published several resources about how to do this, which inshaAllah you may find helpful.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

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