Should I divorce my wife as I want to take another wife?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have been married for over 9 years now. I and my wife used to have arguments right from our second year. We have two children aged 8 and 7 years old. My wife usually used to get nervous and start saying a lot of things, cursing me, that I am not suitable for her, saying she is the one who made me a man, she also used to say "divorce me now" every now and then. This has become part of our life, earlier in our marriage I used to get irritated and used to calm her down and beg her not to ask for divorce.
But after sometime, I felt that I was changing slowly. I was not having the intimacy and the affection I had before. I started not to bother her if she is annoyed and used to leave the house and be away for 10hrs or more and come back later on.
Few years back, I thought of polygamy. I said to myself; since you are not getting the love, caring and the attention you required from your wife, then you can marry another one.
I met this woman. This woman fits mostly my criteria. We have known each other for quite sometime now, and to me she seems to be the perfect wife. The scenario I have now is that I don’t have any love, affection and intimacy for my wife. I just stay with her for the sake of the children. If there is no love in the house, it is obvious that each person cannot fulfil the rights of the other.
Can I divorce my wife or do I just marry the woman I am intending to marry? I have mentioned to my wife that I planning to marry, but she refused and said she will not accept another woman for her to share with me. She said she will leave me if that happens.
What do you advice please?
Osama
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Salaams,
Technically it is not required that you divorce your current wife in order to take a second one. You have a right as a Muslim man to take a second wife while keeping the first one. However, your current wife also has the option of being released from the marriage if she does not want to be in a polygamous relationship. It may be that you take a second wife, but your first marriage ends because of your first wife's reasonable request for a divorce.
However, you should be cautious about your intentions if you do take a second wife, because it may be your first wife changes her mind and decides to stay with you anyway. Are you going to be able to fulfill the duties obligated to both wives equitably? That is the condition given by Allah for polygamy. You said, "If there is no love in the house, it is obvious that each person cannot fulfil the rights of the other". That is not true. Rights don't require love and affection to be carried out, although both of those does make it easier to do so.
What type of effort have you put into your first marriage to try to make it better? I am sure any couple who has been married as long as you have will tell you that crazy arguments and waning attractions is par for the course. In fact, marriage is susceptible to the same entropy as most things- with time it becomes less fulfilling, less exciting, more of a burden etc etc UNLESS the couple is actively working to keep those factors at bay. Have you been doing that? Or have you been expecting your wife to carry that task alone?
The reason I am asking is because if you think marrying someone new is going to change the outcome, it won't. This new wife will have her own emotions, her own baggage, and her own arguments. Give her 9 years, and I'm sure you will have had your share of fights and feelings of unfulfillment. Replacing a tree doesn't change the forest, my friend. If you want to find love, caring, and attention- try to find it with the person who first gave it to you. If you have truly done all you can to maintain a good marriage and decide to take a second wife, at least you will know what skills it takes to keep THAT relationship in good condition. Chances are there's a lady in your house who feels just as alone and uncared for, and you wouldn't want that to double now, would you?
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazakallahu Khayr Ami.
Thanks for the reply. Let me put more light into the few questions you raised. I believe that I have put a lot of efforts to make my marriage better. In the early years of our marriage I used to appease my wife and take the blame for whatever happens and i used to calm her down until things were getting well. But the problem was that the same arguments, same allegations, same finger pointing, and insulting and the other actions that I beleive don't have a place in a happy marriage were coming back again and again. As time went by, i have seen myself losing patience and not trying to calm my wife when the argument starts, but rather avoiding confrontation and leaving the house possibly. This continued until it reached that now, if my wife says divorce as previously she used to say that I will not hesisate but divorce her.
The reason why I am saying that if there is no love, the rights will not be met is because when you don't love the person you are living with, you cannot easily the rights of this person.
On the other hand, if my wife accepts that I marry and stays with me I can manage two wives and fulfil the obligations.
Salaamu Alaykum
Osama
Salam Amy
I reall appreciate your answer to brother Osama and I want to tell you that I went throught the same experience. My former husband towhom I did only good in my entire life cheated on me after 10years of marriage and have two kids. He said to me that I did not give him love but he forgot his own part that he never played in our marriage. When I found out about his affair, he told me that he is going to divorce with me and will marry her because she is loving and carring woman. He went a head with his marriage and divorce six months later after findng out that she was the most evil woman on earth. He also find out that she had previous relation with men, when I never had any relationship with man in my whole life. So brother Osama my advise to you is if you are really sincer with Allah and yourself try tofind love with your first wife and suelly with sincerity Allah will bless you with peace and love.
sister, since when was the husband taking another wife a reason for the wife to ask for divorce?
the classical early shcolars like Ibn-Al-Qayyim have written aaaaall of the possible cases for a wife to ask for divorce, with proof, but there is never a book which says a wife can ask for divorce if she does not want to share her husband
the wife has absolutely no say whatssoever in the case of the husband choosing to help another muslim sister by marrying her.
A woman has an unconditional right to request khula' in Islam. Scholars have said that she must have a "genuine reason"; however the reasons are not specified in Shari'ah. Just as a man can declare talaq for any reason he feels valid, a woman can request khula' for any reason that she feels is valid.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
"a woman can request khula' for any reason that she feels is valid."
a woman who asks for khula' without legislated reason will be of the last people to go to jannah.
On the Authority of thawbaan [may Allaah be pleased with him] the prophet[saww] said ; any woman who asks her husband to divorce her without a valid reason will never smell the paradise eventhought it can be smelt 40 years before reaching it"
[At-tirmithi, p 444, saheeh al-jaami']
and like i said before, Ibn-Al-Qayyim [and others] explain aaaaaaaaaall the possible scenarios which could ever occur for the wife to ask a divorce/khula'
and he never said when the husband re-marries, because not a single sahaabiyyah asked her husband to divorce her just because he re-married, eventhough they hated their husbands to re-marry.
The key is that the reason must be valid. Some later scholars may have listed the reasons they feel are valid, but that is their opinion, as it was not specified by Quran or Sunnah.
IslamQA.com was asked this same question and they replied:
"Concerning her request for divorce if her husband wants to marry another wife, this is a mistake. But they should examine the situation, and if she really cannot cope with living with another wife, then she can ask him for khula (a kind of divorce instigated by the wife, whereby she foregoes the mahr). If she can cope with living with the second wife, but it hurts her to do so, then she should be patient and seek the pleasure of Allaah. Thawbaan (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
'No woman asks her husband for a divorce for no reason, but the fragrance of Paradise is forbidden for her.' (narrated by Abu Dawood and others, and classed as saheeh by Al-Albaani, may Allaah have mercy on him).
If she bears it with patience, then Allaah will make it easier for her and will expand her chest (i.e. grant her peace and calm) and will compensate her with something good. The husband must also help her by treating her kindly, being patient with her for any jealousy etc. on her part, and overlooking her mistakes. And Allaah is the source of help."
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Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother you need to go about this the right way it seems your wife was unhappy from as soon as you had kids sometimes that is hard on both husband and wife and the wife might feel the husband is not doing enough or vise versa, you need to find out if your wife is willing to give it another go with you if not, and she does not want to life with you having a second wife, then i think the worst thing you could do in the eyes of your children is divorce your wife and then replace her in a blink of an eye that just seems so heartless, you need to think things thur and not rush, if i was the other women i would not want to marry a freshly divorced man with all his psychological baggage, you need to just calm down pray istikhara and asks Allah (swt) for guidance. and if it means leaving your wife and kids then have a very hard think about the fallout and the best way to finish the marriage with as little heartache as possible. May Allah (swt) help you.Ameen
Brother,
When was the last time you brought flowers home to your wife? When was the last time just the two of you went out to a dinner...alone? Instead of trying to bring another woman into the mix, I would advise you work a bit harder on the marriage you already have. Have you ever sat down, one on one with your wife to discuss the way you feel? Have you ever let her tell you what she is feeling? Try it. Have respect for one another and listen to her as I hope she will listen to you. Chances are, she is feeling much of what you are feeling. The two of you can work through this, the question at this point is...do you want to?
The very best of luck to both of you...Salam
salam brother Osama
You really appeare to be a very weak person. I wont give you more than six month with your new wife and you will have the same argument and fights like you had with your former wife. You seemto be very naive in thinking that this new wife is the perfect woman as only ALLAH is. Let her leave with you under the same roof for six months and than will see if she is as perfect as she seem to be before marriage.Like one of my friend said to me, ALLAH created us different and this is his HIKMA for making us different. My advise to you is getting back to your wife and children before you make a disastrous choice that you will regret all your life.
Salaamu alleykum brother osman
Am little bit confused right here my brother.... i want to know more if you want to marry another woman because you have a family problem or becuase you fall in love with another woman? living with someone for 9 years is not easy brother i will recommend to work on your current marriage because am sure another woman cant change anything in your life unless she is unique......when am saying unique i mean this other woman that you were talking about must has a great experiance about family problems and had a marriage before.. i hope you will understand what i mean.
In my experiance i had a bad family problem with my ex-husband and still cant forget but now while i learned more from that marriage i can make right all wrong things that i have done and i hope that experiance will help me in my next step to my marriage life.
My Allah help you to make right decision.
Nadia.
Salam sister Nadia
I just want to ask you a question. What do you mean the woman is unique? I dont know if this is a joke but may I tell you that, there is nothing as unique in this univer. all women are the same. We all human have our positve and negative sides. Only ALLAH the almighty is perfect.
However, the only problem with the brother is that he is not satisfied with what ALLAH has given him and looks around believing he will find Cinderella and live a fairytale life. Shaitane is misleading the brother and make himbelieve that if he marries this woman he will be happy. Shaitan is tricking him and the brother is following his own desire untill one he will fell in a deep mess ad find himself with another family in the arms.
I dont understand this sort of people that are never comptent with what ALLAH has given them. My adivse to him again is to say elhamdoulilah for what ALLAH has blessed him and I am 100% sure he would find happiness with his first marriage, instead of flirting around trying to find the perfect love that he will never find.
My worriies is that because his is not satisfied with what ALLAH gave him, he might end up with a worse marriage then his previous one.
Salaamu alleykum sister Sarah
when i was saying "a unique woman" i didnt mean a perfect woman really sorry for misunderstanding......what our Muslim brother asked was if he can marry another woman while he is in that situation according in our religion and ofcourse he can marry and take care of the two families but if his current wife doesnt allow him to marry him another wife thats another story where husband can make decisions whether he wants to continue like that or wants to change something in his life.
i will pray for you dear muslim bother to get the life you dreamed here in the world and hereafter insha Allah.
Salam
To all brothers and sister very important to read!!!!!!!
There was a young couple who led a very happy life together. The only thing that they worried about was, whether their happiness would last forever or would they too would have to face problems.
One day, they heard that a wise old man had come to town; he could solve all kinds of problems and guide people. So the couple decided to visit the wise old man and tell him their source of worry.
The wise old man told them; "Travel around the world and seek a man and a woman who are perfectly happy as a couple. When you find such a couple, ask them for a piece of cloth from the man's shirt, then keep that piece of cloth with you, and you always remain happy."
The young couple began their journey, to find the happiest couple in their world. In one place they heard that the governor and his wife were the happiest people, so they went to their palace and asked them, "Are you the happiest couple?"
The governor and his wife replied, "Yes, we are happy in every way except for one thing; we do not have any children."
Well that didn't make the governor and his wife the happiest couple. So they continued their journey. They arrived in one city where they had heard that the happiest couple lived. They went to their house and asked them, "Are you the happiest couple?"
The couple replied, "Yes, we are really happy in every way except that we have too many children which make our life a bit uncomfortable."
No, this couple did not sound to be the happiest. And, so they continued their journey. They visited many countries, cities, towns and villages asking the same question but they did not find what they were looking for.
One Day the young couple came across a shepherd in the desert. The shepherd was grazing his sheep when his wife and child came along. The shepherd greeted his wife and gently patted the child she was carrying. She laid the mat and started to eat contentedly. The young couple came to them and asked them, "Are you the happiest couple?"
The shepherd and his wife replied, "Nobody is unhappier than the king." The young couple immediately realized that they were the happiest couple and asked them for a piece of the shepherd's shirt, so that their happiness too would last throughout.
The shepherd said, "If I give you a piece of cloth from my shirt then I will be left without any clothes since I own just one shirt."
The young couple at once understood that it is very difficult to find perfect happiness anywhere in the world. The couple decided to return to their own country. They went to the wise old man and related all that had taken place. They also complained that his guidance was difficult to abide by.
The wise old man laughed and said, "Was your journey useless or did you learn something from it?"
The young man replied, "Yes, after this trip I have learnt that in this world, nobody is perfectly happy, only that person is happy who does everything to please Allah."
Noble Qur'an says: "And whosever follows My (Allah's) guidance, on them shall be no fear nor shall they grieve". (2:38)
The wife said, "I have learnt that in order to be happy it is important to remember two things; first, all human beings should be thankful and contented with whatever they have."
Noble Qur'an says: "And your Lord declared publicly: if you are grateful, I will add more favors unto you". (14:7)
"And secondly, for ultimate happiness one must always practice patience."
Noble Qur'an says: "Seek help through patient perseverance and prayers". (2:45)
After that, young couple thanked the wise old man for his guidance and returned home. The wise man prayed for them and said, "Indeed the sign of happiness is in their heart and they have good manners and if the lifetime is spent in pleasure of Allah there would be no differences in the existence of mankind."
Noble Qur'an says: "Whosoever follows My (Allah's) guidance, will not loose his way nor fall into misery. But whosoever turns away from My message, verily for him is a miserable life". (20:123-124).
Contentment is the Secret to Happiness in Life
After reading this , I would say, desperate attempt to discourage polygamy . But ultimately a fail .... Nice try though ..
Dear Brothers and sisters.
Thank you very much for your kind comments.
I am not following my desire only when I am saying I want to marry the woman I am thinking o. I am thinking of my Aakhira and how being in this life is making me commit sins sometimes. The lady I am intending to marry is religious and she even had some impact on me right now. for example, she advised me to stop listening to songs, which I did, Alhamdulilaah. She always tells me to do good deeds.
When it comes to my current family. My wife made it clear to me that if I am intending to marry, then i let her go. Now I am planning to let her go before I marry, as both of us have agreed to separate. I will pray Istikhara and ask Allah for forgiveness.
What do you think if your intention is to marry having in mind that you new marriage will make you take the right path.
Jazakumulaahu Khayran
Salatm brother Osama
Sorry if my words sound harsh to you but let me tell you that I have never heard so much nonsense in my life. People like you no matter what type of advise they get, they will never be convinced. When somebody wants to do something even if it is obvious that it is a faile he will remain doing it no matter what others says or advise.
The Prophet(PBUH)said " ITHA KHATABAKOUMOUL DJAHILOU KOULOU SALAMA".
May ALLAH guide both of you in thisblessing month as you really need it
So, you had an affair, and now you're trying to find any reason you can to justify having had the affair?
Sure, this new lady is having some positive influences on you. But that isn't enough to justify you breaking your family apart. Divorce scars children too, not just the adults involved. Your children will hate you. I know one man who left his wife for another lady, now his children are grown and refusing to marry because they don't want to go through the pain. You will scar your children for life. Also, you don't need another person to stop listening to music and such, you can find that strength within. You and your wife can grow together as Muslims. You can find friends who can help you become better Muslims.
What are you going to do in nine years when you start fighting with this new lady? (Or even seven years? Ever heard of the seven-year itch?) No marriage is perfect, you are deluding yourself if you think marriage with this new lady will be perfect. So you and your wife fight, big deal, GROW UP! Grown-ups work through fights, they don't end relationships over fights.
Salam
Sister Sarah Lea, thats what I call wisdom Masha Allah sister.
Brother I really believe that you are trying to fool the brothers and sister because it is clear from your last email that you took your decision, so I wonder why you initially send a message to get advise.
Brother Osama your last message is meaningless, What on earth does your akhira has to do with your new marriage. I know that you will probably thing that I misunderstood your message, but no!!! I understood it very well. My advise to you brother, is if you are really worried about your akhira then it is some thing that you need to work out with ALLAH and not jump into another marriage,thats a complet nonsense solution.
As for when you said that this new woman has an influence on you, let me tell you that stoping commiting sins or stop listening to music for the love of a woman will never ever sustain.
If you are really sincere and worried about your akhira then stop commiting imoral acts such us ( having an affairand so on) for the love of ALLAH and not for the love and advise of this woman.
Since you have taken your decision I dont feel that it was healthy for you to seek advise in a first place, you are only wasting the time of the brother and sister.
Finally, for the so-called religious woman, I really dont understand how a person can be religious and accept having an AFFAIR with a married man. Sorry for being so moking but this religious woman is a joke!!!!!!!!!!!! She should go back and revise her religious.
May ALLAH guide both of you in this blessing month as you really need it.
Brother if you truly believe that your wife now is bad for your deen then its not good for her as well she must be effected and as unhappy as you. some times two good people can bring the worst out in each other and it cant be good for your children they see everything if the mood in the home is bad it will harm them in the long run. it looks like you made your choice insha'Allah i hope the best for you and your family.
Sallamu alleykum to all my sisters and brothers on this page
I hope when our Muslim brother Osama posted this article he was seeking help from his Muslim brothers and sisters and it seems most of the comments are different from that.....Why I am saying that is, It’s easy for others to say that he should remain in an unhappy relationship but truly speaking when it comes family problem only the couples are the ones who suffer more about its bitterness although I prefer to see people stay together and happy, sometimes it’s best for people to part. Only he knows what’s truly best for him.
Some of Osama’s comments were saying that this woman that he wants to marry is religious I agree with you brother to that and she can completely change your life into positive way let me share with you this.
“If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (i.e. Ramadan), guards her private parts, and obeys her husband, it will be said to her, ‘Enter Paradise through whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’" (Sahih Al-Bukhari
"Allah (SWT) does not change the condition of a person until they change what is in their hearts"
[Surah Ar-Rad (13:11)]
"Whoever seeks to compete with you in your religion, compete with him; whoever seeks to compete with you in this world, let him have it." [Imam Al-Hasan Al-Basri] Very valuable advice...
May allah guide into the right path
Seriously, from all the replies that I see, most of them are on how the man shouldn't divorce the wife and how he should try harder to save the marriage, etc. I guess it's easy when it's not us who are involved in the unhappy marriage. Sometimes, it's nothing about the religion that is taking place. It's people's feelings too, you know? How do you expect people who are suffering from broken relationships to stay the way they are? How do you expect people to be happy when they're just clearly not, and that they have fallen out of love? It's gone and will never come back, so how can you say it's the right thing to do by staying together? You are also depriving a man's life of his own happiness. And who can tell whether this new lady he wants to be together with can't be better for him? Who says they'll turn rotten in 9 years time? Nobody knows, so I don't think it's fair to judge that being together with the lady is an ultimate wrong and bad decision for him.
My response may not be easily accepted by all, but it's the other side that people should also learn to see rather than be so grounded on certain views. Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best no matter what decision you make.
Helpless, we don't expect people who are suffering in bad relationships to keep on suffering. What we expect is for them to try to repair the relationship. See a marriage counselor, remember the reasons they fell in love in the first place, try to recover that love. Give their attention, time and love to the person they are with, rather than some unobtainable mirage.
In this couple's case, they didn't start to argue until the second year. So maybe there is some unspoken issue that has been at the heart of the arguments.
***
To brother Osama, you have children with your wife. You have a family. Don't ruin your family and throw it to the wind. I know that you're not happy. I'm not saying you should suffer silently. I'm saying, try to make things right with your wife. See a marriage counselor, learn how to talk to each other, how to show each other affection.
Divorce should be absolutely a last resort after all other options have been exhausted.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam
Brother helpless sorry if am a bit moking in my posting but to be honest your pseudo name speak for itself, you are being really helpless.
Brother we are trying to advise the brother Osama on how to stay with his wife and boy and try to work out on his marriage in order to avoid wrecking a muslim family. You advise is totaly unreasonable and not wise at all.
Sorry if my post sound harsh to you but this not the sort of advise you should give to your muslim brother.
May Allah bless us and forgive us.
My elder son is married....
(Remainder of question deleted by Editor)
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SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Incroyable mais vrai! people are trying to help this Bother Osama and he keeps finding rotten excuses to marry the woman he had an affair with! My heart goes to his wife and kids. La hwala wala qula ila billah
Salam
Salaams,
You will see there are two types of folks who post questions on this site. One group genuinely is seeking advice, and truly considers the feedback they are given in choosing the best course of action for their situation.
The second group has already made up their minds about what they are going to do, but want to tell about their situation so they can get some type of validation that what they are choosing is right. Sometimes that's the case (that they are going the right way), but often it is not. In these cases, many posters will try in vain to get the questioner to consider a more prudent direction...but the OP will rigidly stick to what they want in their nafs and go on defending their folly to everyone else.
It's quite a shame to see that play out, but it just goes to show how stubborn any of us can be when we are not truly submitting to the guidance of Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor