My husband calls me useless, selfish and threatens to walk out of marriage with kids
Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse
Assalam O Alaikum everyone,
I am crying right now and due to that, I may not able to write properly so, excuse my typing mistakes. I am in a difficult situation and have no one to turn to so, I hope someone on this forum can help me get out of this difficult situation.
I am a 30 year of Muslim convert to Islam and have two children aged 1 and 2 respectively. My problem is that; my husband calls me useless and when he gets angry he calls me bad names. This really hurts my feelings and makes me sad as well. I don’t even understand some of the names he calls me but as he calls me with those names when he is angry so I think they are not nice at all. I cook food for him different foods even sometimes I find them really difficult. I try new recipes for him and also look after my young children. My children are 1 and 2 year old respectively and I am still breast feeding and sometimes it is really feel tired and get angry easily. However, I have never been rude to him or never raise my voice in front of him.
I am a very nice person who is always ready to help people in any way possible but my husband is never happy with me. He tells me that I am selfish and don’t care for anyone else, don’t look after the children and don’t know how to cook? I also help him with all the computer work that he has to do but can’t manage time for that. I help him with the money as well, as I take care of all the bills even though he is working himself. I also pay for other household expenses. Generally, he is a nice person but when he gets angry, he starts to degrade me by using the words such as useless and bitch. I always pray to Allah Almighty to help me in this situation.
Now, my husband threatens to walk out of marriage with the children and tells me that we are not married under UK law. I am crying and need your help. If anyone has solution for this problem, please tell me and also pray for me.
Rania2310.
18 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Salaams Sister
I am so sorry for all the pain and hurt which you are suffering. Your husband is the one which is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings. He is supposed to see the good in you. When he is angry there is no need for name-calling. That's just being childish.
You were nice to him but now you need to stand your ground. Tell him how you feel. Tell him how hurt you are. Personally I would suggest a seperation for a short while.
He needs to realize his mistakes, that what he's doing to you is unacceptable. He needs to start appreciating you.
Everything of the best
Rumaysa
Assalamualaikum sis,
I don't know what to say .. big hug to you please seek support from sister at masjid
Salam sister,
I am sorry to read about your situation, may Allah give you strength and patience. Sister, firstly you need to recognize that you are not selfish, actually you are quite the opposite. You cook, clean, take care of the children, help with household expenses and also help your husband with his computer work. Those are qualities a caring person possesses. Therefore, you are not selfish but actually quite a good human being wife. You must not break down your confidence in any way. You need to sit down and discuss this matter with your husband when he is in a good doing. Approaching him with this when he is angry is going to lead to no where, it will just escalate things. Be gentle yet firm and explain to him that his behaviour causes you a lot of pain and is starting to damage this relationship. Ask him what exactly it is in you that he finds selfish? After he is done explaining, if he is correct in certain aspects, acknowledge your mistake, inform him that you are ready to make positive changes. Then in a kind tone explain to him his behaviour that you feel is unacceptable (i.e.: belittling you and swearing) and explain to him how his actions are not only affecting you but are going to take a toll on your children. Explain to him that we must follow our beloved prophet's (SAW) ways and this is definitely NOT how he treated his wives. He must show mercy and compassion to you rather than rudeness and selfishness. He needs to make changes NOW or else he can possibly damage a great marriage and 2 beautiful children. When discussing these issues ask him why he reaches to the issue of divorce. Re-iterate that you have 2 children, that he musten hasten his decision based on petty arguments. Every household has them. He is a man therefore part of being a man is learning to control your anger and deal with situations from a RATIONAL not EMOTIONAL perspective. Sister, you must communicate with your husband, elsewise things can get out of hands.
Good luck and stay strong!
Typo: You need to sit down and discuss this matter with your husband when he is in a good mood.
As salamu alaykum, Rania,
Thank you very much for sharing and for making the effort to write to us to look for help. First of all, I recognize in you, the WOMAN you are as mother and wife, you are paying for his problems, your problem is the way he is making you suffering. Does he talks to you about his problems? He is focusing all his negative thoughts in you, this should stop, can you manage to make him talking to you, about anything at the begining, you need to gain his trust and make him able to feel vulnerable in front of you, this way he may become sensitive to what he is doing to you. This can be a way, insha´Allah
Related to the bad words, practice yourself nice words (Alhamdulillah, Bismillah, insha´Allah, Subhana´Allah, Masha´Allah,....) fill your life your Allah´s Presence everywhere in your home, feel Him in your Heart, do your prayers, pray surahs 112,113 and 114 at night before going to bed as the Prophet (pbuh) did.
And as Helping Sister said, try to talk to him when he is in good mood, if he allouds you to do it, if he turns violent just let it go and you should think deeply about it. Don´t let him abuse you, you don´t deserve that kind of treatment, you deserve respect as mother, wife and woman,... the problem is not you, he needs to acknowledge he has a problem for that, you have to let him know you are suffering for his behaviour to make him conscious of how much is hurting you, and then try to solve it, insha´Allah.
Is there any possibility that you find someone to verify if you are married or not ( legal advice)?, you should check on this, it is a good priority. Ask him first why he is saying this to you, if he dennies the real information, then move carefully and see what is going on for real, insha´Allah.
May Allah(swt) bring Light, Love and Peace to us all, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love and Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
>sister dont worry always we have to think we all r alone by indidust in god ofcourse he will protect u from the pain plz dont trust anybody i can understand u r loving him too much but u r expecting something sister plz try to avoid for a while
Hi,
I am so sad to hear about it.....I am glad that you expressing your feelings though. It's good.
Watch the movie Heaven on Earth Directed by Deepa Mehta
One thing though protect your children. Make sure you do what
you need to do to have no fear of loosing them. Take care
Allah can guide you but you need to take your life and children's life in your hands
Dear sister
sister tell some one to Trash your husband with use of third person so that he cant even suspect u in this act Just trash Just beat him to realize some pain how this will work 100 % and he will be good with you
This is a ridiculous suggestion.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
wow.. this was actually funny.. funny that someone whose username or whatever is "muslim" gives this type of suggestion. obviously she will not be listening to your advice.
Asalam u alikum Rania2310,
I am not gonna say i am feeling sorry for you, rather i am gonna say you are the one who has to deal it with more will than you ever had. Did you ever try telling him how does it feel to raise too young children and taking care of home chores. what you need to do is to do more expressive about how you feel. or otherwise this forgranted attitude will continue for ever . Invovle your elders if it was arranged marriage and if it was loved marriage you may ask some common friends. In any case this should not lead to arguments. It should be more like discussion. I hope u get out of this hostile situation soon. May Allah help u.
I feel really bad for you but if I were you I would let go of him. Why do you need someone who treats you like shut and you give your world for him. I don't understand this concept. We are Muslim girls, we are suppose to treat our husband like khudda, but he should take a good role in this relationship. If he blackmails you then tell him to leave you. Watch he will come back the next day. He can't take yourkids away, your kids need a mother., and he will realize that. You just need a separation for and watch how he will run back. We will pray for you
I would like to know why women put up with this kind of abuse. You are not the selfish one, but you appear weak to him and so he treats you badly. Leave with your children.
I get same behaviour from my husbands( belittling and name calling) I found this is due to cultural backgrounds, me being a revert also. I find my husband to be useless, 2 children also, I do ALL of the providing, he does not even care if there is an emergency to have a car to drive to hospital in, for 2 years I lived in flats of his 6 sisters the size of smaller than a garage and kids everywhere, he tried to put me into a mental hospital in muslim land so that his mother /family could be guardian to my baby he fidles money refuses to pay bills that are in his name,
but you know Allah sees these actions, nobody else can, inlaws are on his side, obviously, sometimes with little support you feel like going crazy but your stuck with 2 kids, inshallah this sister will wake up thats what my family tell me, ...
The only things that you gain from such marriages are the LESSONS but it too late, made the mistake etc with the persons. Just a good LESSON for your kids to learn from inshallah.
peace
I am very sorry to hear your story. May allah take away your pain and grant you happiness.
After reading all this seems like I'm not the only 1 in this world putting up with husbands abuse. I'm on the edge where I could kill or die. I am mother of 3 kids 7to 2 yrs old. I'm experiencing not only mentally abuse but physically and sexually aswell. I hate my husband and due too no family I have to just stay quite and put up with it. I'm not being financially supported by him. I babysit other ppl kids along my 3 own, house chores, cook, clean , and pay for my own need and my kids. He only pays rent most of the time I by food too. If I want to buy something related to house, kids , cloths anything he tells me you have your money but it or sometime he ask me for my money cause get paid by cash and he knows I am carting in my bag. He likes to take that too but he never offers me his money. I'm going through this life past 10 yrs and I'm still crying everyday Allah don't listen to my prayers so i stop praying too.
All I wish is death for myself now I did attempt killing myself than he said in hospital than I am doing drama. He can only says hate words to me. I believe I was born to be hate. I wish I didn't have dsughter if they will have to go through this too.
In 29 yrs old. But look like 40 I'm losing my hair I'm getting bold I was preety by looks but my face is ugly now. He called me that many times. Life is too short but to me seems Life it's not ending. I'm so tired of it. Funny thing is he still like to eat what I cook. I know I cook good food and I make him everyday fresh, hot food everyday 2 times. But he never said thanks. Or appricate it infact he says don't don't it I can do it myself I don't need u. But he still eats it wear my wash cloths sleeps with me forcely even I say no he still do it. I'm very unhappy person but I want to just like happily I can't remember when I don't cry even now while typing this. I'm. I can't see my family if I even say to him I want to visit he starts with bad words. But he visits his family give them gifts give them money he says he can have many wife's and kids but he won't have another mother and brother I don't know where I stand in this world and what future I and my kids have ? I will never know
Plz answer if anyone know.
Salams sister Sania,
Sorry to hear that but as you said; you are not the only one, it's very common all over the world. Please remove yourself from that environment and move somewhere safe for protection and sanity of your children and yourself. Suicide is not the answer besides what will become of your children? Have you given thought to that? Please leave this abusive man, what good is he? All he does is pay the rent like a tenant and abuses you rather than appreciate and help you as a partner. Surely, you don't want you children to grow up thinking it's normal behavior?. Involve both family members and explain everything and take a break for a while to see if things change, if they don't then divorce him and get him to pay for children maintenance. I repeat again and can't stress enough that never ever think of committing suicide because it's haram too as we give up on Allah (swt) to please shaytan.
May Allah (swt) guide you to take the right decision for your children and yourself and fill your life with love, care and blessings. Amin
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Leave him. Take the children n leave. UK law gives more right to the mother. He doesnt care about u, if he does he wouldnt hurt ur feelings this way.