Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will my past ruin my future?

woman in regret, sad, depressed

Asalamualkum brothers and sisters

I am a Muslim female, I was recently engaged to a man from a different state. We only talked for two days with my parents supervision. He said he was in love with me and moved here for a couple months to his aunt's house so I can get to know him. I was still trying to get to know him, as you're suppose to when you're engaged. His parents told us he's in a rush to get married, they wanted us to get married in 6 days. My father did not approve of this and told them a minimum of 2 months of being engaged.

The day we read al-fatyha, later in the night he told me we can kiss and do things, but not have sex. I trusted him because I didn't know, I was too embarrassed to ask my parents I was very naive and believed him.

He became very jealous and possessive of me. He wanted me to wear the hijab so men won't stare at me. Not for my religion. He would always argue with me over dumb things, he accused me once of cheating. He went through my phone and saw there was a strange number and called it asking who it was. He told me it was a black man who answered. I told him I really didn't know that number, later during the day I googled the number and it was for a bridal shop. He would always go through my phone I wouldn't mind though because I never did anything wrong. He made me delete my social websites despite I wasn't doing anything on them. He told me he didn't have any social website or anything.

Long story short we broke up. He tried getting back with me two or three times, but I didn't want him. We haven't spoken for three weeks, and I wanted to get my social life back. I cut contact with my friends because I thought I was going to move with him to a different state and start a new life.

My contacts sync with the social website and I saw he had two accounts under fake names. I google the fake name and found out he was cheating on me while we were engaged. At one point I was in the hospital with appendicitis for a week, and he was cheating on me during. I was 100% faithful to him.

I also found out he drinks, parties, has sex with multiple women, and does drugs. I am glad I never responded to him or went back to him. I told my father everything he did to me. He told me I should have mentioned it the day we were engaged so we wouldn't have wasted our time with him.

This whole experience made me closer to Allah I prayed and thanked him for pushing my ex away from me. I also begged for Allah's forgiveness. I started praying on a regular basis Alhamdullah.

The thing when i was younger around 16 I had sinned. I did not respect my body and committed zina with a couple men. I never partied or went out doing drugs. I just could not control my lust. I never spoke to those men ever again. I asked Allah for forgiveness and promised I would never do it again. I ended up doing it again with my ex fiance, but I thought it was okay because I was engaged with him and that I was going to marry him.

I never told my ex about my past, but for some reason I'm scared everything I did will come back to haunt me. Even after I repented I have this deep fear my future husband will find out somehow. I feel like I would be lying to my future husband by not telling him these things, and then him finding out scares and worries me. I don't know what to do I am having severe anxiety and stomach pain from the thought and fear. I just want to be happy, be with my family, and worship Allah. I'm just scared he will somehow find out even though I put it behind me, never going back again. I have told a few people that know what had happened to me, but I stopped talking to them. I'm worried someone will somehow tell him or he will find out. What should I do I can't live in fear like this? What would I do if he ever found out? Despite me learning from my mistake and repenting, I still feel ashamed and fear.

hbbqt


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11 Responses »

  1. Asalam alaikum sister,

    It is truly a shame there are so many good Muslim men affected by partying and drinking/smoking. I am sorry you had to witness one of them. Alhamdulilah you found out early and did not get married. Forget him and move on.

    Your past is YOUR past, and nobody but Allah swt and you know it fully. You are not obligated to tell anyone, nor advised to do so. If you do tell your future husband then he might feel sad. If you fear discovery just trust in Allah Al Wal, and he will protect you. Say "Authu bilahi mina Shaitan ir rajim" and it will help ward off the Shaitans tormenting you.

    If you still feel bad in your heart continue repenting and insh'Allah things will get better. We all have our secrets that we are afraid of, but as Franklin Roosevelt said "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."

    Salam,
    Shereen

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Your past is exactly that - yours. We all make mistakes and sin, as we are human and so we aren't perfect. But if we turn to Allah, repent and try hard to follow His teachings, we can trust in His Mercy. It might help to read the articles on this website that discuss tawbah and repentance?

    As you've learned from the interactions with your ex-fiance, sometimes people aren't as trustworthy as they seem. So, when you are looking for a spouse in the future, make sure that you are following Islamic guidelines and have your wali (which would be your father, I assume) get to know any potential spouses. Don't spend time alone with them until you've had your nikah.

    If you are worried that your future husband might discover your past and react badly, there are ways to tactfully explore this with potential spouses. For example, the two of you could discuss views on repentance and purity in Islam (with a chaperone present, of course) - if he made it clear that he could not accept a person with a past that included transgressions, even if they had repented, then you can find another reason to decline the proposal and the two of you can go on to find spouses that might be better suited.

    I'd also recommend that you join a sisters-only study group or Islamic teaching, to learn more about Islamic limits (that way you reduce your risk of crossing those limits in future) and to strengthen your deen.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Midnightmoon: there are ways to tactfully explore this with potential spouses. For example, the two of you could discuss views on repentance and purity in Islam (with a chaperone present, of course) - if he made it clear that he could not accept a person with a past that included transgressions, even if they had repented, then you can find another reason to decline the proposal and the two of you can go on to find spouses that might be better suited.

      That is a good suggestion. It could also easily lead to a question in her spouse's mind why she wants to discuss repentance and purity. Could lead to what they repented about. Every one has a past. An Asian/middle Eastern/African man can easily talk about his g/f's but will find hard accept a wife with a past.

  3. Walaikumasalaam
    I have heard of an incident of prophet Musa a. S that there was lady who use to commit Zina and see asked o Musa will ALLAH forgive me for my sins I have done.. Then Musa as said yes surely...upon this see said even if I have committed Zina as much as the stones in the pot( there was a pot beside it contained numerous pebbles) on this he said I have to ask Allah.... When he asked Allah swt, ALLAH said no because Musa you are the witness now....... *the above-mentioned is mafhoom because I can't remember completely...

    • I have heard of an incident of prophet Musa a. S that there was lady who use to commit Zina and see asked o Musa will ALLAH forgive me for my sins I have done.. Then Musa as said yes surely...upon this see said even if I have committed Zina as much as the stones in the pot( there was a pot beside it contained numerous pebbles) on this he said I have to ask Allah.... When he asked Allah swt, ALLAH said no because Musa you are the witness now..

      I am very afraid after reading it 🙁 ... so how can that person can recieve forgiveness from ALLAH who have shared his ar her major sinss with their friends ??? is their no way for their forgiveness of major sinns if they have shared their major sinns bt also have truelly repented??????

      • I don't know of this story. But in Islam we are taught that all sins can be forgiven if one makes tawbah, no matter how many times a person has sinned. See our article on Tawbah and Repentance in Islam.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • @Dua

        There was a man who killed 100 people and then he shared his sins with a scholar, however, his sins were still forgiven.

        The Holy Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said:

        “Among those who came before you was a man who killed 99 people. He then asked to be guided to the most prolific worshipper from the inhabitants of the earth, and he was directed to a monk. He went to him and told him that he had killed 99 people, and he asked whether it was possible for him to repent. The monk said, ‘No. The man killed him, thus making him the 100th victim. He then asked to be directed to the most knowledgeable of the Earth’s inhabitants, and he was guided to a scholar. He went to him and told him that he had killed 100 people, and he asked whether it was possible for him to repent. The scholar said, ‘Yes, and who will stand between you and repentance. Go to such and such land, for in it dwell a people who worship Allah, so go and worship Allah with them. And do not return to your land, for it is indeed a land of evil.’ He left, and when he reached the halfway point of his journey, he died. The angels of Mercy and the angels of Punishment disputed with one another [in regard to his case]. The angels of Mercy said, ‘He came to us repentant, advancing with his heart towards Allah.’ The angels of Punishment said, ‘Indeed, he never performed any good deeds.’ Then an angel came in the form of a human being, and both groups of angels asked him to be the judge between them. He said, ‘Measure the distance between the two lands. Whichever land he is closer to is the land that he is closer to [in terms of being of its people]. They then measured the distance and found that he was closer to the land that he was heading towards, and so it was the angels of Mercy who then took his soul.”

        [al-Bukhaari: 3470 ; Muslim: 2766]

        Yes. It is true that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala does not like us sharing our sins with people after He has concealed them for us, however, sharing them does not affect our sincere repentance. If we shared them to boast, then we need to repent for boasting as well, but if it was for the sake of seeking help or guidance from others (like the story mentioned above), then Allah is Most-Merciful.

        • Asalamualekum!

          Thank you soo much for helping me .. Actually i was really concerned about the major sin (adultry) because i read that story of HAZRAT MUSA A.S written above and i was v much afraid that what should thoze persons have to do who have shared their adultry sin with their frnds just because they need help ar support to overcome from this through repentence... so plzz plzzz plzzz kindly one more time can u tell me exactly that lyk the above hadith about murder , zina can also be forgiven after sharing , bt that person have truely repented ???

          • @Dua

            The most worst sin is shirk (i.e. to implore besides Allah any other god), and then murder, and then zina.

            Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

            68. And those who do not implore besides Allah any other god (shirk), and do not kill the soul which Allah has made sacred (murder)--except in the pursuit of justice--and do not commit adultery (zina). Whoever does that will face penalties.

            69. The punishment will be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will dwell therein in humiliation forever.

            70. Except for those who repent, and believe, and do good deeds. These--Allah will replace their bad deeds with good deeds. Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.

            71. Whoever repents and acts righteously-has inclined towards Allah with repentance.
            (Quran 25: 68-71)

            The person who killed 100 people is like the one who repeatedly killed the whole mankind 100 times.

            Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:

            ''...that whoever kills a person--unless it is for murder or corruption on earth--it is as if he killed the whole of mankind...'' (Quran 5:32)

            However, if such a murder which is worse than zina has been forgiven after the sincere repentance, then zina can also be forgiven after a sincere repentance, inshaAllah. Remember that the man who killed 100 people also shared his sins with a scholar for the sake of seeking support, just like you did with your friends. If Allah Has forgiven him despite the sharing of his sins, then He will forgive you too, inshaAllah

            So please repent sincerely and then conceal your sins from now on. Allah will forgive you and Have mercy on you, inshaAllah.

  4. Asalamoalekum!!!!!

    Dear sis !! I am very much thank full to you ... May ALLAH bless you and your team .. You all are doing such an appreciable work that my words are not enough to thank you and appreciate you once again thank you sooooo much .. MAY ALLAH give you a lot of AJAR (ameen sumameen) ..

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