Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I wrong for divorcing my violent wife?

Angry wife

As Salamu Alaykum everyone,

I really need some honest advice:

I got married in Nov of 2016, and at that time my wife's family gave me one requirement and that was to live separately and not at the same house as my parents. I agreed to this condition and we got married.

However, now during our marriage her family requested that I allow her to finish school. She said she only had one year left but she ended up having 3 years left in school. Furthermore, after we were married she brought along her car, which she was financing and the loan had $16,000 remaining, she never told me about this before we married. So I ended up making the payments for this car since she did not work, nor did I want my wife to work and I took on that responsibility of the car payment anyways.

In addition, her family always got involved in our arguments and she would complain to them for everything within our marriage. Furthermore, she was not a citizen of USA, so I filed for green card application for her. She was denied the first time, which was about 1.5 years after we got married. Her family blamed me, saying I filed incorrectly, etc so we ended up having a few fights and eventually while I was at work, her father texts me and says my wife wants a divorce and we are picking her up.

Later on I found out that the reason why she was denied for the green card was because her family did not remove her from something called DACA on their end. However, I let this go and did not make a big deal out of it.

Therefore, she took all her stuff and after 3 weeks, they did not file for divorce yet so I called her uncle and explained to him the situation, and he thought that they were completely wrong for taking her for such a little reason.

So eventually we met up and her family gave me a new condition, and I also gave them a condition as well. My condition was she wasn't allowed to work, because I do not feel comfortable with my wife working because I will support and provide for her. Her condition was that I allow her to finish school, which we agreed to do that.

Once she came back home, things were fine for about a couple months and then our typical fights began. She also was searching for a job literally a couple weeks after we got back together and I told her that I said she was not allowed to work. Eventually I got her uncle involved since he was a witness to this agreement. After no success, she ended up taking her job and I just let it go because I found out it was a job with women only, which made me feel more comfortable. However, the fact she broke that agreement was not fair in my eyes. I let that go and we went on with our marriage.

Furthermore, my wife became pregnant and we had a baby, who is one years old right now. Since my wife was pregnant I cashed out of my 401k to pay off her tuition of about $11,000 throughout our marriage.

In the past 1.5 years, my wife and I would have argument to the point that she would literally physically hit me, I know shes a women and I am a man but I did not want to hit her since I am much stronger, but she would scratch and slap me constantly, this happened on five different occasions. I warned her and her family many times that I will divorce her if she does not change. There was moments in which she left some big scratches on my body and I would hold her arms to prevent her.

I thought at that time she was going through a lot of stress due to giving birth, school, etc, so I eventually let that go.

Furthermore, months down the line, my wife request that we go on vacation with her family, in which we did. While leaving home from the hotel, my wife and her sisters were walking together and her sisters went on their own path to walk out of respect to leave me and my wife and daughter along to walk back to our room. She began to take that frustration out on me, because she was basically angry that her sisters left her for a moment, so she began to wallahi kick me, and stomp on my feet, etc. I kept my cool in front of her family for days until we got back home, until we got back home and I just ignored her for days until eventually made up, but she would never apologize for this.

I would consult my parents for advice because I was not sure how to approach this because at that time I really wanted to divorce her but I didn't want to for my daughter sake. My parents told me to keep trying maybe she will change.

Also, she finally finished school and got her green card. Throughout our marriage she would constantly look at what others have, and she would send me pictures/videos of what other people do for their spouses and gifts they give them. Also, she would get her family involved for every fight we have, whether big or small to the point that I began to ignore her family.

Until one day we got in a big argument and she began hitting me to the point that I called the police on her just to scare her, because I told her to stop and if you don't I will call them, because here in America, If a man hits a women it becomes a large crime. Ones the police arrived, I told them directly to my wife face, to not do anything, just warn her, which they did. My wife packed up all her stuff and left back home.

So I filed for divorce, and I was 100% with my decision. After 2 months she began to text me and try to put the guilt on my for this marriage, and now right before our court hearing, she is saying that I broke up the marriage and I do not care about our daughter, etc. She is basically trying to tell me to try again, but I went through so much with her and her family and she is very stubborn and does not listen to her husband the way a wife is supposed to during our marriage.

So am I wrong for not trying to fix this now? Because I am worried she and her family will not change and they will go back to their same ways.

I only feel sorry for my daughter that she has to live without her father around. However, I plan to be in my daughters life, we live 2 hours away from each other so I will need to plan visitation as best as possible InshaAllah.

- mmmhamza13


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16 Responses »

  1. You were not wrong brother. She did not respect you enough. she has it in her mind that she is equal, but if you hit her back as equal, you will the one in jail. So to prevent yourself from going to jail ,you did the right thing. Furthermore, if she use to involve family to come defend her for every problem, she was adding fuel to the small problems to become bigger problems. I believe you did the right thing, don't regret. Find a gentle woman and you could share custody of your daughter to come stay with you sometimes.

  2. Salaam dear brother,
    May Allah make this very difficult and confusing situation easy for you and your family. Ameen

    From what I understand you have done your level best and given this woman ample opportunities to rectify her behaviour. Therefore, you should not feel guilty in pursuing the divorce and freeing yourself of this abuse.

    In terms of your daughter, its important that you do maintain regular contact with her and provide for her as a father should. It is better for your daughter's well being that she doesn't witness this toxic behaviour around her, she'll grow up stronger.

    Best wishes

  3. Dear Brother,
    I understand what you went through is lot but still i would advise you to not divorce her only for the sake of ur daughter.. U have a lot of sabr mashallah.. One last try witg ur wife, make ger realise it was her attitude n behavior which made u take dis decision.. Divorcing is a major sin in Islam, ur daughter's future lies in it now.. Its disturbing for a child to go through such phase. Please consider ur decision again, talk to therapist talk to islamic elders who can sort this out and make her understand one last time.. A liitle more love and affection can do Wonders. What u are going through is the same im. Going through in my life, only difference is my husband has d same nature as ur wife's. I have a 2 yr old daughter and im having patience only for her, i can feel ur pain ur anger ur disappointment but the little one needs us to be stronger. Iv cried and cried but my daughter's future brings me back to senses, sometimes we just need to have more patience for almighty to make it better. Have faith in allah as I do believe one day things will get better.. Please consider it, u can contact me on my email too if you wud like more clarification or help.

  4. “ Divorcing is a major sin in Islam”
    You have it wrong. It’s not a sin to divorce. It’s Halal. It’s very disliked by Allah.

  5. You are not wrong to want a divorce. You tried and remained patience. Your wife seems very materialistic and grew up as a spoiled brat. Her parents putting many condition on you and telling you to do this and that is. Very much controlling. The fact that she hit you badly is extreme. She knows that you are weak and never leave, even after you showed warning to leave. She doesn’t have any remorse of how she is treating you at all. She is trying to put a guilt in you for breaking the marriage. You said yourself that you know that her and her family will never change if you try to fix it. It has been many years that you took the crap. They haven’t changed after you had a baby, you think they will change now. Pray istiqara. Go to a marriage counselor if you want to fix the marriage. It’s time for you to put Conditions on her, if you decide to work it out. You are too nice, don’t be this time.

  6. Fareesa,

    Divorce is not a sin. It is a way out of a bad situation. You may want to consider it yourself for your daughter's sake and yourself. Otherwise she may end up with psychological problems and also think it is normal for a man to treat her badly when she grows up. The cycle may continue. If you are abused reach out for help. There are domestic violence shelters here in the USA, even abroad now.

    Brother,

    It sounds like a lot of mistakes have been made by her and her family. I don't think you have done the wrong by divorcing her. She may have psych issues. Physically fighting!? It doesn't make sense. Or she is spoiled? I don't know.

    I think the concern at this point is your daughter. Can you possibly file for full custody or is the family going to let you retain partial custody and not take it all from you later? You will probably stay civil for the sake of your daughter but will your ex? These are all things to consider. I would get a good custody lawyer's consult for your daughter's sake. Good luck.

  7. Brother,

    I don't believe you did anything wrong. Your ex wife and her family seem to be at fault. The girl sounds young and childish or spoiled. Maybe psych issues. I don't know. But it is not normal to engage in physical altercations with anyone let alone your spouse.

    It sounds like you will be civil with her for your daughter's sake. However will her family and her be civil? Will they let you retain your custody rights? You may want to consult with a good custody lawyer to see what your options are and so your rights are not violated. Can you get full custody? Do you want full custody?

    Good luck.

  8. Let it go bro, this is absolutely absurd. Marriage isnt a prison sentence, YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. ITS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU, YOUR WIFE OR YOUR CHILD TO CONTINUE. LEAVE AS FAST AS YOU CAN! Why do Muslims keep in these toxic relationships and ruin their lives?? This is not the teachings of our Prophet PBUH. Please leave her, and Dua to Allah SWT to forgive all of you and us for our shortcomings, ameen. May Allah guide us all to what is best. s

  9. I should add some more detail so maybe you guys will understand a little more. Before the incident happened and she left, I was encouraging her for us both to go see a sheikh to try to fix our issues, because we were having many disputes before that. And wallahi I even told her that we should see a sheikh not to point fingers at each other and see who is right or wrong, but to fix these issues. However, she kept refusing and kept saying that seeing a sheikh inst necessary. None of her family took me seriously and they all tried to take advantage of me with no respect. I am ready to move on, but Inshallah I hope to be in my daughters life. I just hope she doesn't put hatred into my daughter towards me.

    • You are doing the right thing. Your main concern is being in your daughter’s life. It’s most likely that your ex wife and her parents will make your daughter hate you. They may even fight to make sure that you don’t get to see her much. As your daughter grows up, she will See you and love you through your actions. You have every proof to show show your daughter how ill her and parents are...proof here of your story, police reports, nonsense expenses. I wish you best of life. Don’t feel guilty. You needed peace, love, and respect.

    • Can i ask how old are you and ethnicity?

  10. Jazakallahu khayrun for the reply. You seem like an understanding person and I was wondering if you would consider some proposal. You seem younger than the person I had in mind so no point of offering. May Allah make it easy for you.

    • Thank you sister. I read one of your other posts and you seem like a god fearing person. May Allah give you whatever you desire in a husband. I do not know what you are looking for in a husband but if you want to know a little more about me, if you parents give you permission to do so. I would be happy to get to know you as well. Does not hurt to try, if I am not what you are looking for then no hard feelings for me. Were you expecting me to be older or younger, not sure what you mean by that?

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