I feel like death would have been easier
I have a dream on my wedding night in which I was told I will face many tests in my marriage from God and that I must be patient. Many years have passed since then, and yes, I have been tested to my utmost limit from the very first month since my wedding. My husband has been having multiple online and emotional affairs. I have found emails, photos, messages and many other evidence.
He does not have sex with me, and thus we could never have children. His family dislikes me and we never talk. One time he left the home and never came back for more than a year, after telling me he was done with the marriage. However, he came back and I took him in.
My husband also forces me to work outside the home, even though I am shy and very uncomfortable working with men in the office, but he said he doesn't care. He has a good well-paid job but is too stingy to spend on me, so he wants me to earn and pay my own way. Meanwhile, he gives money to his family and relatives in Pakistan, even though they are not poor and lead good lives - they are middle class people. Recently, he has become worse to the point where I don't know if I can handle these tests anymore. He has moved to another room, he is dating women freely and comes home late and does not bother how I feel. He treats me so cold and refuses to talk, touch, or be friendly to me.
He has been saying many times he will divorce me soon, but he still sticks around. I saw him packing his things lately and I overhead him telling a friend on the phone he is planning to be abroad for several months, and he will consider if he will come back or not. I don't know what to do. I have prayed and asked Allah to help me, but everything is just getting worse and worse. I don't see my husband praying and it really breaks my heart.
I want to pack my things and leave him, but I am torn because of the dream I had on my wedding night which told me I will face all these tests from God. The crazy thing is, I still have every love and respect for this man as he is my husband. But I am in so much pain, sometimes my nerves, my head, my body aches from the stress and I feel like death would have been easier. If something is a test from God, is it right for us to walk away from it?
- Shaab
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As salamu alaykum, sister Shaab,
Thank you very much for sharing with us.
Sister, I am going to be quite direct with you, then please, sit down and breath, we are going to have a conversation woman to woman. This is my personal opinion about your situation.
I am going to explain something to you, all marriages face struggles, all relationships in this world face struggles, life is a test wherever you look at and the beauty of that is that reassure us we are alive, then what you have done reminding yourself that you will face many tests during your life was to reassure to your consciousness that your subconscious was right, then make me the favour of not thinking this way anymore, tests are a normal part of life for you as for everyone, what you are living is beyond a test.
Once you understand this, I want to go to the main problem of this situation, if you do love and respect your husband, get away from him, you love him as a brother but not as a man, this is not a healthy relationship. He has treated you with contempt, you shouldn´t admit all this humilliations from the first minute, it is fine to forgive, but your life with him, haven´t been a marriage, you just have shared your life with someone you married, but you haven´t acted in any way as a married couple.
He doesn´t love you or respect you, he shows it very clear with his behaviour.
Sister Shaab, you have to make a stop in your life, let this man go, ask him for divorce, go to counselling to understand that you have been living a lie for so long, to be conscious of what have you learnt from this situation, to learn what you should expect from a healthy marriage and to recover your self steem as woman. You deserve better. Don´t cry one more tear for this situation, don´t put yourself on a corner to feel sorry for yourself, stand up, wash your face and look at you in the mirrow, you know what I see, I see a woman ready to face a complete new life full of opportunities with possitive thinking and a whole world waiting for her. You have a job and you have been alone all this years.
Now, give yourself a time to look at your married life from a different angle and begin from cero, give yourself a time to moarn, not too much, you have cried enough already and after the three months of waiting after divorce, if you see yourself ready for marriage, after counselling and healing, go for it.
Teach others through your experience, but if you can avoid tell others your own experience, you have a tendency to create an image of yourself of lack of security or confidence, I don´t really know how to express it, but I think you understand what I mean, and I see behind that image, a strong willed woman even not feeling comfortable, you are an independent woman, then you have half of the way.
Your body is trying to get sick, full of pain and all this stuff, do you want to be sick? I hope you don´t.
To improve your condition, you need to eat fresh vegetables, specially greens, whole cereal if you can(chew it well), good quality animal protein( fish (specially) meat, poultry, dairys), nuts, fruits.
Exercising at least 40 minutes walking, if you can join a gymn, a dance class, pilates exercise, yoga, taichi, any of these activities would be great for you, insha ´Allah.
Practice some relaxing exercise, you can use this one that was posted by Wael in IslamicSunrays,
http://islamicsunrays.com/islamic-meditation-for-relaxation-and-spiritual-comfort/
Take a look in IslamicSunrays.com, you will find inspiring readings there.
Sister, you deserve a healthy life to marry a healthy, loving husband that cares and respects you, insha´Allah.
Live Shaad, you are unique and precious, please give yourself the permission to live, to breath, to have your own life, to be loved, to show love, to be respected, to help others, to move on, to learn, to let things go, to be flexible, to shine as the beautiful jewel you are, insha´Allah.
If you need me in any way I will be for you, insha´Allah.
All my unconditional Love,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Beautifully put...what else is there to say. I really pray that you take the sister's advice and move on. He left you a long time ago. He won't have relations with you. He isn't praying. He seems to not even care about Allah, so why would he care for you? There is no marriage. Don't wait until "he" decides to leave you...again... You are worth more than that. Read about how Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) treated his family, and learn to desire that for yourself. You ever heard of "pray and tie your camel". Pray for the man, and let him go. If he was caught doing some of the stuff he's doing hundreds of years ago, he would've been stoned to death, and you would have no choice but to move on. Write down the pros and cons of staying with him. If the cons outweigh the pros, say good bye. Don't worry, Allah will try you in another way, so if you're looking for reward from Him, there are plenty other ways of getting it!
Love You for the Sake of Allah,
MuslimahPrincess
Asalamoalaikum my dear sister,
I am sorry to hear about all the tests you have underwent and you have been extremely patient; do not think your actions will go to waste. You will be rewarded immensely, inshAllah.
My opinion may cause other readers to raise questions as to my rationale, but my belief is that you leave him. Yes, you leave this man who is only using you and your home as a hotel—a place to stay and rest. He has no affection or love towards you, he comes whenever he desires and leaves whenever he desires. It’s like he just comes home eats, sleeps and gets up and leaves without taking into regard that you too live with him.
In regards to him forcing you to work that is completely un-acceptable. Allah swt has put the burden of finance on the man’s shoulder. It is compulsory for him to provide you in every aspect, including financially. He is sinning and of course he is going to be stingy; these affairs do require money spending if they are being conducted face to face.
My dear sister, in your post you ask us,
If something is a test from God, is it right for us to walk away from it?
Allah swt tests each and everyone human in this world, some fail while others succeed in it. Patience is a virtue and it’s a great quality for those who possess it, but there is something called suffering and that’s entirely different. From what you have written, it seems as though you have tried to make this marriage work but your husband has no desire to, then how can things get better? It needs take two to tango. After all the suffering he’s put you through—denying your rights such as financial stability and your emotional and physical needs (living like a room mate in another room), I suggest that you end this relationship.
I would have suggested that you talk to him or go for family counseling but then I re-read your post and realized this man doesn’t love you and he is using you as someone who will cook, clean and wash his clothes for him. He thinks by giving you a place to live that he is fulfilling his duty; he’s not.
I doubt he will ever change; people like him don’t have any desire to change as they do not see their actions as wrong or hurtful to others. Therefore, I suggest that you end this relationship and find yourself someone who will fulfill his duty towards you inshAllah.
I wanted to add, the fact that you did not have children with this man is a blessing of an in itself. You can walk out of this marriage without having any connection with him.
You are stronger than you think, Allah loves people who are patient and thankful, but there is a limit to being patient and when it is crossed, it is known as suffering and no where does Allah swt state that you must suffer in order to please Him.
-Helping Sister
Dear sisters who have answered my question, thank you so much for your replies. I had tears in my eyes reading them.
I wanted to add that some time back, I went to an alim - a pious man - to seek his advice. He did prayers for me, and he then told me I need to stay to face this test, that I should not walk away from it. It would be too easy to walk away. So it makes me guilty to my soul to leave the marriage.
I left everything I knew and loved (country, family etc) to be with my husband. This place is hard, and freezing, and people speak a foreign language. Just adapting to the country was so tough for me. I have to travel 4 hours daily on public transport in the extreme cold to get to work, while my husband has a luxury car and is earning good pay. He does not give me a single cent towards monthly allowance. I hardened my spirit to survive. Now, I overhead he is planning to leave for a long time, and I know how hard it is to survive alone in this place. I don't have a driving license because he discourages me from having one. I hardly have any friends because I spend my days at home doing housework, prayers, zikr and reading. I do not enjoy socializing with the non-muslim people in the town where I live.
But this whole marriage is killing me - my body, soul, spirit...everything feels wounded. I have a loving generous family, and sometimes dream of going back to them. But I am torn between staying and leaving. Particularly when even that alim has told me I must stay.
Dear sister Shaab,
I’m glad to hear from you and know that you are trying to be strong, alhumdulillah. My dear sister, you talk about going to an aalim and him predicting that you remain with this man as it would be wrong for you to leave because you are being tested. I am shocked as to how people who have such deep Islamic insight still give such irrational advices.
You do not have to stay with your husband if you are not happy, especially if you are making yourself sick both emotionally and physically. This doesn’t mean though that whenever a fight occurs, a person files for divorce. We are supposed to try to make things work, this is our duty but if the other person is unwilling or just doesn’t care, we as women do have as right to ask for divorce—khula. Why do you think Allah swt gave us this right if he didn’t want us to use it? It is permissible for a woman to ask for divorce if her husband is treating her ill, neglecting her, abusing her, taking drugs, etc.
As I mentioned in my first post, being patient is important but there is a limit to it my dear sister. You have tried your best; you are no further obligated to stay with this man. He is not even fulfilling your basic rights.
I find it extremely saddening that you have to commute 4 hours every day to work while he has a car and can drop you. I further find it so unjustified that he doesn’t allow you to have a licence. My dear, do you really want to suffer like this till he dumps you and leaves from your life?
You are not a doormat that anyone can just walk all over you. You are a woman, a muslimah; you deserve to be treated with respect and honour. Why are you allowing yourself to suffer like this? You do not have children and I honestly see this as a blessing in this case—you need to pick up the signs that Allah swt is showing you. This man will not change nor will he keep you happy. I’m pretty sure he will just discard you one day, and then what will you do all alone in a city where you hardly know anyone?
Now is the time you turn towards your loved ones and ask for support. You can end this misery; it is entirely in your hands.
-Helping Sister
As salamu alaykum, Shaab,
Those are just excuses to keep yourself in a situation where you don´t have to take decisions, I don´t feel pity for you, you are one of the strongest women I have met in this site, you are very intelligent and with a strong will power, certain a strong iman, too, your only problem is that you have get used to blame others because you don´t want to take decisions by yourself.
You are living the life you have chosen to live, if you want to be with your parents, you are the only one that is stopping you from being there, you want the driving license, go for it, you don´t need anyone else to live and to take decisions, your marriage life is a lie, at the end of your life you will be asking yourself what did I do to be the best I could be? you are killing yourself with your attitude not your husband, you.
Why don´t you sit with him and ask for your rights? No support, no presence, no sex, no anything, face your situation, he is going to leave you again, What kind of life is this one?
Live your life and please stop complaining about him, you have never asked for your rights, you just stay quietly and silent because you think you have to stand all the bad because you dreamt and someone told you, you have to; sister, wake up and take decisions, the only person that can live your life is you, the only person that will be asked about your acts what you have done and what you haven´t done is you.
You programmed yourself with this "test" concept you have, you have to reprogramm yourself allowing yourself to enjoy being alive, to be with people that loves you and appreciates you, to learn new things, to go out and exercise and meet new people, open doors and windows and live.
From Heart to Heart,
María
IslamicAnswers.com
Assalamu alaykum Sister Shaab,
Your situation would bring tears to any soft heart. Sister, I feel sorry for what has been happening in your life since marriage.
I don't understand what sort of "aalims" we have who give such foolish advices. It is indeed foolish to ask a woman to stay with a man who is doing things what he did to you. May Allah give some "wisdom" to our "aalims" with the knowledge He has bestowed upon them.
You do a very good thing by staying away from Non Muslims and engaging yourself in prayers and zikr instead. Masha Allah.
Sister you seem to be really nice.
Alhamdulillaah, before I came to know about this site, I thought the world is so bad, everyone fighting, not allowing another to live in peace, quarrels all around, betrayal etc. But when I see sisters like you and a few whose posts I have replied to in last few months, I feel so good to know that there are women so nice, looking to adjust, looking to work hard towards their families and loving their husbands despite their odd behaviors. I praise Allah for this. Subhaan Allah, sister you do not worry. You are good. Allah will never leave you to suffer, Insha Allah.
I think He has given enough indications of separation from the begining but somehow you kept to patience, which is good, but when the "needs" of a woman are not fulfilled and she does not get Peace with her husband, Allah Himself encourages separation in the Qur'an.
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - surah An Nisaa.
The above 3 verses Subhaan Allah have such large application to almost all marriages facing problems.
You tried the path of peace, it did not work, now take the path of separation.
If need be, go back to your country and people. If you can manage alone and think with time Insha Allah you will settle there, hang on.
But for a Muslima, to be alone in a foreign land, I have some concerns of safety as well as her very existence as a true Muslima. I think you are strong and can face even more Insha Allah. This is nothing. From your post I believe Allah has made you a woman of firm resolution. I find so much calmness in your post despite of the turmoil you are in right now.
May Allah keep you firm on the Deen in the hard times and in times of ease.
If there is anyway I can help you, please tell me sister. Insha Allah I would try my best to be of help.
Salaam,
Your brother.