How do I get out of this and back to happy married life?
Assalam-o-alaikum
I am 26 year old married woman. I got married a year back and it was an arrange marriage. My husband selected me and before marriage and even after a month of marriage he loved me a lot. After a month of marriage he got to know about few emails with my ex (before marriage i have already informed him about my ex). After that I don't know what happened to him. He keep on abusing and scolding me all the time, treated my like an animal. After 6 months of marriage I got to know abut his two ongoing affairs. I confronted him, and asked him---he said he did this all because he wanted to hurt me, give me the similar kind of pain which I gave him. Which I never intended to, I am a very loyal wife and love him like anything.
But I was amazed, he was having several affair before marriage, even after our engagement he use to do video chats with one of a girl with whom he continued after marriage. one of his second affair was with one of his office non-muslim colleague. After I confronted him, he said Okay I will stop everything and won't scold and abuse you but you have also to forget everything. Just to give a new chance to our marriage I accepted. One of his another habit is to become overrefined with his female colleagues. In his office he is having only female friends. He is the only male person in his group of 9 people. Again I confronted but very politely. But professor even after all my sacrifices he still keep on abusing me and torturing me.
But after few months I lost my patience and left him and went back to my home. But with the grace of allah he came to take me back and promised that he will give me the status of a wife and will keep his promises. He said he cannot leave me as he loves me a lot. These things happened in January 2014, but professor I still cannot trust him. still he is very friendly with his female colleague. Three days back we were sitting together, then his same colleague with whom he was having affair called. he answered the call and said to me that just not to create any confusion he answered the call so that I could listen what they were talking. I told him I do not want to speak to her again ever, and you know professor again he started shouting on me and said "sorry the kind of girl you were before marriage I also cannot trust you". But i take this politely and tried hard to make him understand about my situation. After few hours he got calm and everything settled between us. But professor, I am really fighting a war with my soul ... I am not able to trust him. He loves me he use to tell me always that he loves me, but seriously I am not able to trust him. The time I had trusted him the most, he betrayed with me.
Please suggest me some way to get out of this.
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SALAMU ALIEKUM...my dear lady I will tell yu keep praying okkyyy as far as yu two are married be proud okkk
Salam,
Marriage works two ways and praying only wont help when she is suffering. Patience and hurt can only go in the same path so far until they clash. She shouldn't be proud of being married to a person who is accusing her of wrongdoing which by the way was in the past before they even got married. And definitely she shouldn't be proud of a man that has/had affairs and emotionally abuses her constantly.
Brilliant point bro Hossain
walaikum asalam,
sister he says he loves you yet continues to talk with another woman despite telling him. that is not love. that is pure lip service. love is compromise, commitment, sacrifice, caring, sharing etc.. if he really cared he would have stopped abusing you, stopped getting to friendly with his work colleague.
if you put up with it, then this will never stop. if you don't want to be with him, then tell him you no longer want him. give him an alternative. speak to your parents, because what your husband is doing is wrong.
ma salama...
Asalamaoalaikum Sister,
You ask how you can move forward from the dishonesty, lies and deceit of your marriage and live happily with your husband. The answer is you’ve already done your part, now it is your husband’s turn. It takes two people to make a marriage work and there really isn’t anything more you can do to improve this relationship.
You’re husband sounds like an immature and self-absorbed person. He doubts you all the time because he’s the one who’s been cheating on you all along. You had told him about your past before your marriage and if he was willing to accept you then there should be no mistrust on his end now. These are all excuses to project his guilt on you. In his mind he’s trying to justify cheating on you because subconsciously he knows it’s wrong and the only way he can do that is if he convinces himself that you’re just as low as he is. Of course you know that is not true. Oh and the fact that he was nice to you in the first month is what people often call “The honeymoon phase”. We are all on our best behaviour during those initial days when we meet someone new and our hormones are elevated. He didn’t change because he read those e-mail. He changed back to who he really is.
Now you need to ask yourself do you want to live the rest of your life being cheated on because it doesn’t seem like he’s going to change. You’ve given him a few chances and although he says he’ll mend his ways what are his actions showing you? In a marriage respect is a two way street and there is nothing more disrespectful than to be abused or cheated on.
I suggest you give him a final ultimatum: Things have to change or this marriage is over. Then stick with what you’ve said. It will be hard but you rather be single (for sometime) then be married and lonely.
-Helping Sister
Assalam O Alaikum,
Thank you and Jazak Allah to all my brothers and sisters for your kind response. With the grace of Allah he has improved a lot since last one month. He has stopped chatting with his female colleagues as far as he shows me and as far as I understand.
A couple of week back I told him that if he not going to leave his ill habits It would not possible for me to continue with this relationship. Hence, I asked him to kindly let me know what should I do. He assured me that he will not hurt me anymore and he will keep himself aloof from other female colleagues. But still I can see that when we go outside he always checkout the other girls walking on the road or malls.
I am just keeping a watch on him. I request you all to pray for me and my husband's happy and peaceful life. As I love him a lot, I am giving him yet another chance.
In case if you people have any other suggestion which I should keep in mind, then kindly let me know.
May Allah forgive all our sins and protect us from evils...Ameen
Dear Sister;
As far as ur part in this marriage is concerned, u have done and are still doing a lot. Being a married man, I know women generally endure more hardships & mistrusts than men. Without going into the details of ur story, I would advise u not to take any hasty steps and start praying ur five daily prayers with khushoo including the12 Sunnah if u have trust in ALLAH. Stop chasing him around because ur scoldings will not affect him how much u try.. If ALLAH wishes, He will make him a better man for u. Don't wait for him to get better, have lots of patience and make lots of Dua for him as he is ur husband who needs ur support. If u leave him, you,ll regret it the rest of ur life and will be again looking out for a new husband. There is a saying that a bird in hand is worth two in a bush. One day INSHA ALLAH he will be ur man in shining armour. Believe me, if u have trust in ALLAH, what He will decide for u will be the best solution.
If u do not have patience, then I will advise u to do Istikharah before leaving him.
May ALLAH guide u to the true path of Islam and may ALLAH solve all ur problems. AMEEN SUMMA AMEEN>
http://remindersbenefitus.blogspot.com/2013/02/some-duas-when-in-difficulty.html?m=1
This is a very helpful site with dua's when in difficulty
May Allah bless you and your family with happiness
AOA,
Helping Sister is certainly living up to her alias with that spot on analysis.
You have been cheated on by your husband who checks out girls in front of you and is too friendly with female colleagues. Your best option is to end this. Do you really want to bring kids into such a horrible environment as that? It won't be a happy life. He is a cheat!
As for love, write a list of pros and cons and you'll see that you only love an idea of what you hoped for in a marriage. He's got you hooked on something that never really was which is that brief time of bliss that was all too fake.
If you respect yourself you most certainly will not 'regret it the rest of ur life' as in advice by 'Javed'. You might hear your husband say this line too. The mentality!
Divorce is disliked but it is halal and this is no real marriage. There is no respect, no trust, no truth and definitely no love.