My husband is cheating and admitted that he is only with me for the sake of our child; what to do?
'Love yourself first, then everything else falls into line' - Lucille Ball
Assalam Alaikum,
I am a 28 year old Muslim woman. I met my husband six years ago and within 15 days of knowing each other, we decided to get married. We have been married for five and half years and have a beautiful four year old, Alhamdulillah.
My marital problems began immediately after I was married. We were both young (23), having to leave my family to move in with his (from North America to Europe), not getting along with his family and also me developing Type 1 diabetes during a difficult pregnancy contributed to our unhappiness. We would constantly bicker. I was unhappy with the situation but not with him.
We decided to move to the Middle East and began working there four years ago. I was not happy with my job, depressed about being away from family and upset with my self-image (I have gained weight and have developed a complex about my dark-skin color as my husband is very white).
My husband is a very handsome man and is quite charming, he attracts all sorts of people - especially women, which was a source of jealousy and fighting. He also used to be very strict and jealous at the beginning of our marriage (he would get upset if a cashier smiled at me) and I began to hate his hypocrisy.
Suffice to say we would argue constantly but when times were good - they were great. He is a great father and I wanted to have another child, which he began refusing - telling me I should get a divorce and find another man because he does not want more children with me.
This year, a new woman joined our work-place and I instantly disliked her. She would never say hello to me but I would always find her talking to my husband - who works in a different department! I began nagging him about it and he would call me crazy or jealous. One day, I sat him down and REQUESTED that he avoid her but he wouldn't listen.
We left the M.E and relocated to North America, we are in my parent's house. Things had been good between us until 2 weeks ago, I accidentally found an email from him to her. When I confronted him, he was proud and admitted that he had kissed her thrice! AT WORK. And that he had been emailing her every day since March.
Basically, they started speaking in Feb; at which point he made a separate email account which they shared. He would email her daily, mostly about how unhappy he was with me. How I didn't love him, appreciate him. He told her about our private arguments and even when I would fight with him about her. They fell in love with each other although, he says he never meant it, he was only playing with her.
One day, she went to see him at a meeting hall at work and they kissed. Then he says he told her he wouldn't do it again because it was wrong. But they kissed again in the elevator! Then a couple of days later she went to his room [he says I was absent] and they made out in his room.
After April holidays, she had gotten married so they ended their physical relationship but he would go see her in her room everyday or they would talk in the resource room. Also he would email her every day.
I read some of the emails. He wrote "She (as in me, ) fought with me today about you (as in her). Thought you'd like to know". She told him she was jealous that I sat next to him in meetings - he told her I didn't even like to and he would never sit next to me. So, he says they never met outside work. She would question him about other girls and he would swear there was no competition. Meanwhile, he was sleeping with me!
The stuff he wrote her, exclamations of love, fidelity, poetry; it breaks my heart cause I never had that. He wouldn't even kiss me. He wouldn't even hold my hand. He would just sleep with me.
He's been emailing her every day, until I caught him. He had copied a part of an email and when I clicked paste it showed up. I confronted him. He admitted it. I asked to see the emails and he refused.
When he finally let me see the emails, he had emailed her AGAIN, right after I had confronted him. He had written, "She found out, she doesn't know about these emails, protect your twitter".
So. YOU tell me does that show intent to keep in touch despite being caught???
I'm in a really bad place now I feel utterly devastated. Entirely hopeless. I don't think I can live like this. I wanted so much. I love him so much. I wanted another baby. A home. A life. I...don't know.
For the past week, I have been questioning him. He was apologetic at first but then admitted he hated our marriage and is only with me because of our child. He doesn't talk to me but is willing to have a sexual relationship - that is the only thing we have between us. He doesn't love me but I am afraid to let go, I want some Islamic solution, do I walk away or forgive, if I forgive...HOW do I forgive?
Is there punishment for him in Islam?
I am extremely depressed, and I know suicide is not the answer but I just feel like giving up. I feel like Allah has forsaken me because I have not prayed properly. I am so alone.
I need some perspective, some Duaa to help me make the right decision.
Sabqa.
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My dear sister,
Please do not give up hope, suicide is not an answer to anything- and will only lead to hell as it is a major crime. I know you are depressed at the moment, but Allah sends us challenges in life to test us and see who is worthy of his reward in the life after. So please do not think of this test as something you cannot handle because Allah does not test a soul more than it can bear. Think of it this way, the more you suffer in this life, the more reward you get after. Praise allah when things are tough and praise allah when things are good.
First off, make lots of dua, pray istikhara, and always ask Allah to help you in this difficult time.
As for your situation, i dont know the islamic solution- but if someone does not love you and does not want to work on the marriage and is openly cheating- i do not imagine as a woman that would be an ideal long term partner.
You should sit down with him-ask him to commit and work on the marriage and stop talking to the other woman- because he is committing sins/by speaking to a non-mahram woman. That is a huge nono and disrespect to you. If he does not want to work on the marriage-then you cant be the only one trying to patch it up. Ask him if he would prefer to divorce? You need two hands to clap if you know what i mean.
If he is not willing to work on the marriage- then you need to decide if this is the life for you- do you want to marry a man who is with you and has no affection for you and does not talk to you?
From another sisters perspective- i would say start working if you do not work already-earn an income and become more independent slowly and leave him be. Marriage should not be a place of hostility, sadness, and openly cheating on you and making you feel unworthy.
You deserve to be loved for who you are- and not because you have a child together.
will it be tough to be alone- oh ya it will- are you willing to go leave him? That is a choice that you can have to make. If you are unhappy about how your marriage is going and he has told you he does not love you and feel that you would be happier and at more peace living alone- then go for it.
If you still want to patch things up and keep trying to make it work and feel that he may change- then do so too.
May Allah make things easier for you sister and hope that your situation becomes clear.
Samira
dear sister
i realy felt sad abt ur story i knw how it feels coz my story is a bit similer to urs but i have no choice im trying to ignore and pray to allah
Obviously your husband has made it quite apparent that he doesn't want to remain married to you. He has even stated that the only reason he's with you is because you have a child together. Is this the life/marriage you deserve? No. Is this the atmosphere your child deserves to be raised in? No. Your husband has given you ample opportunity and valid reasons to leave the marriage. You have all of the justification you need to divorce him. It may be very hard for you, but there is a better future for you without him. You have/had a job, so obviously you are educated and employable. Your husband has not treated you well. He has hurt you and used/continues to use you. You are worth more than that. Break from him, and let Allah guide you to one whom is deserving of you. May He give you strength.
Lydia
Salam Sabqa,
I will say this the only way I know how. Value yourself and who you are. You are a worthy person and not deserving of your husband's mistreatment. He stays with you for sex but nothing more?! He is not deserving of the woman that you are and he is nothing more than an adulterer. He does this because he can and he thinks you will do nothing about it. You are at your parents you say? Tell him to leave, maybe his lover will take him in. Lift up your chin and be proud of who you are. You can move on and be happy, everything is in your hands. Do not for a moment accept your situation and think that this is the best that you can do. From the sounds of things, you can do a whole lot more without this man and his cheating ways.
Salam
You dont deserve to be cheated on and disrespected
As a person.
Love yourself so you can love others. Respect
Yourself so you can give respect.
Let go of bad things so the good can come in.
"let go of bad things so the good can come in"
This is a good reminder. As humans, we tend to hold on "things" that we are familiar with even if they hurt us and they are bad to us. Letting go of those things may be the key to a better brighter future.
Sister Sadqa,
Sorry to hear about your story. As other posters said, you deserve better. Your husband had emotionally checked out. I know it hurts because you love him so much. You value loyalty, he does not and that is the big issue.
You have 2 options. Stay with him knowing he does not care about you (he cheated, that is a proof)
Leave him, restart and rebuild a new life full of hope for you and your child.
The choice is yours. Pray to Allah and ask Him to guide you in your choice. He only knows what is best for you.
I know you are going through a difficult time. This time is not a time where you have to give up. Yes you can cry but do not allow your emotions to take control over your life. Remember ALLAH WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU. Call Him, He will help you.
May Allah guide you to take the best decision. May ALLAH reward you with the best.
Have a great day,
Reader
Please don't hurt yourself
I agree the all advises above your husband dont deserve you, leave him.
Sister, I once heard something that has always proven to be true for me. "It is much easier to be wise for others than it is to be wise for yourself."
Like an old Chinese proverb it seems to mock the complex human condition by putting into words something that seems so painfully obvious until you're looking through a lense of emotion... Then, it's not obvious at all. Is it?
Sister, my point is most women would have endured what you have for the sake of her marriage, and the hope of passionate love one day.growing, and emotions. You are not a fool, nor is your situation rare unfortunately. Shame on them both for crossing so many lines.
Now the question is sister, is it possible for you to step away from the lense just as your husband has stepped away from your marriage, and be wise for yourself? Yes it is possible, but for your own good and peace you deserve in all ways after these horrible circumstances, I would find any way you can to distance yourself from him emotionally, and find out how to keep your child through a divorce, and leave.him.
Good luck sister.
Assalamualaikum WRB Sister,
I hope by the time you read this, you ve not done or try to do something that can harm you. I ve read through every of your words and I pray to Allah that I might be of help to you.
I want you to know this first. You are YOUNG. 28 is still young and you ve a lot of advantages on your side.
But before you proceed further you have to make a choice:-
1. Stay with your husband
2. Leave him.
From your letter , I feel that you still want to stay with him because you really love him. So let us try with the first choice. My suggestions might be a little be hard but if you are determine , I know you can do it.
1. Stop talking and asking your husband about his affair with the lady.
Yes, it may be difficult but my point is that we are going to concentrate on your affair with your husband. Not his. Stop asking and stop saying anything about the girl
2. Try to be calm and not be so emotional
What I am trying to say is that you have to try to treat your husband the best that you can. It might be hard at first, but you must try. Don’t be so overly nice, just simple nice, like serving him with water when he comes back. Cook his favourite food, clean his shoes etc
3. Focus on your beauty
You re 28. I don’t know about your physical appearance. But I do want you to be fit, healthy and sexy. Join a gym, do some exercise, control your food intake .
4. Buy sexy clothes and get a nice perfume
Buy a sexy lingerie, short or mini skirt, tight t shirt. Its not a sin to wear all this for your husband ! Buy the best expensive perfume you can afford !
5. Dua
Every time you re about to cook wear those sexy dress or whatever you re about to do for him, just pray to Allah for help, that HE will grant your dua for your husband to fall for you all over again.
Important: REMEMBER
The other lady is staying FAR from him, you re neared and closer to the man you love. You have more advantages than the other womn !
We ll just try the above first before you ll decide whether to leave him or not.
All the best !!
You must be in a lot of pain.. you thought things were going well in
Your marriage that you were looking forward to
another child & on the other hand your husband shattered your thoughts...your husband is very similar to mine .. you have one child & so easy for you to move on ... if you choose to stay in this marriage knowing what your husband is doing your husband will have no boundaries & will think it's ok for him to carry on...that will only create more distance & a feelings of being unwanted which can depress you & you need to be fresh/ mentally & emotionally stable to give your son the best life ahead inshallah... You should set clear boundaries if you wish to make the marriage work & make them clear to your husband ..if then he makes it clear he doesn't want to
Carry on with the marriage then
Deattach yourself mentally
& emotionally from
Your
Husband since you say you love him it
Won't
Be so
Easy..
But inshallah you can do it.. Look forward to a
a new life ahead. perform
Istakhara if possible inshallah guidance will help.. Goodluck in which ever direction
You go in ..
May Allah (swa) make this test easy for you (Amin) may God bless you &
Your son .. Wsalam
Dear sabqa,
although ur post is not very recent but still i would like to add that i have been thru a similar situation with the difference that i ddnt have any kids during 5 yrs of marraige & that my ex husband ddnt hav an out right affair with a single woman but many short/ long term "options"
An apparently happy life stiuation (apart frm routine skirmishes regarding responsibilties and his habit of "looking around" & Occasional internet fling)was suddenly turned into the worst nightmare by a very similar attitude of "i dnt care abt wat happens to our relationship ur on ur own if u cant live with it" and believe u me i reacted in a similar manner... i would call it an over reaction now...Of confrontation and nagging...nag nag nag.And similarly he told his online GFs that he had a bad relationship or that he was seperated while i used to be sleeping right next to him!!!
The truth is the deep hurt u feel of being deprived of /decieved of what u percieve as ur only true deep love in the world justifies such a reaction. But in this agonising period instead of letting urself go and let ur emotions override u. i wud agree with the advice Sister A has given.
Sit back ---think calmly--- take an overwiev of ur situation as a third person (only u know the details of ur married relationship)
Try to not think of his affair---so u can focus on where U might have gone wrong which led him to it.
There might have been issues btw u where u never tried to listen or understand his point of view...where at times u wud give a cold shoulder or undermine what was important to him...relatives or habits or decicions.
And believe me he might be exaggerating the extent of his involvement with ths woman!Dnt believe all the details he has been feeding u just to make u repulse.Make ur own assessment.
Take control of the situation ---dnt let the situation take control of u.
It is very hard to come out of such a dilemma...but now when being divorced by the man of his own accord i sit back and think even if the result would have been the same ...i would have preferd to pass that one long yr of agony differently with more forgivness nd peace instead of a personal hell.
May Allah be with u and give u strength to do what is right,
I am in a same situation right now. I have 2 daughters, I have been married for almost 5 years, few month ago my husband started coming home late, I would ask him why he's late and then we end up in a argument. We both go to the same gym to workout and there is a girl who works there, he has been talking to her constantly, serveral time I caught him talking to her outside, in the parking lot and walking with her in the mall and when I asked him what he was doing, he would say to me he bumpped into her.
Late at night he would secretly send her text messages, I read all his text messages, I confronted him, he denied, I also found pictures.
Last month he tells me that he needs some space and some alone time to think and then he tells me that he doesn't love me anymore. So he moved out, I couldn't do anything, his family tried to talk to him, didn't listen.
My eldest daughter who is 3 and a half was so miserable, because her father wasn't spending any time with her and she would wake up middle of the night crying for him. I told him what was happening, then he decided to take the kids couple times a week, and everytime my daughter came back from her father's appartment, she would tell me that there was a girl there sleeping with him, I ask him, he would still deny and tell me i am making shit up.
Now he has moved back home, because he can't afford to pay for 2 appartment, but we are living like a room mate, he is out till 4am everynight, partying with his new low class friends and the trash he is dating.
I don't know what to do to save my marriage, I don't want my marriage to break cause of some trash, believe me she is not attractive, I asked guys would they date her, they all made wierd faces, my husband himself said to me she's not attractive. I don't know what he see in her, I am 32 and people think I look like a teenager and lot of time people don't believe me I have 2 kids, is cause I look after myself, I get compliment everyday when I'm out, even if I'm with my husband. I guess its not the looks...
so I have decided to change myself. I have been doing alot of readings and research
I haven't been working since I've been married, because I had babies, now I am starting work, i am going to make new friends and have lots of fun, be more independant, take care of myself, show my husband that I am happy, give myself the importance, make myself unavailable to him and make myself very irristiable, which I am doing everyday, be more positive and optimistics then maybe he will see all these changes in me he might think about making this work, I might win his love back, so I suggest you do the same.
To make your partner to fall in love with you again, you have to change yourself, not you partner, even if he is the one at fault. You need to reconnect with yoursef first, who you are and as you decide what to do with your life, your love and your vision. You wanna gain love, trust and respect, then you gonna have to think possitive, you have to stop being the victim, you have to stop being depressed and miserable, you need to be independant, get a job, make friends, go out, be happy, enjoy your life, make yourself more desirable, be proud of yourself and just pray to ALLAH, then you will see how your husband comes running to you and i hope mines does too, insh'allh! I will pray for us.
Take care.
Asalam Alaikum..
I see that this is hard time for you and I wish you all the comfort possible during this time. Your story stuck out and I would really like to touch on it. You said you want to save this marriage, yet your husband is having an open affair and dating another woman. It surely seems as if your marriage is done. Why let someone get away with causing torment like that? Is it worth TRYING to get him to "fall in love" with you again? No offense at all to you, if you are willing to forgive him thats on you, but understand something .. he isnt your boyfriend, you both entered A CONTRACT to be committed to each other and he violated the contract in a heinous way, and he is obviously a pathological liar (he continues to lie after being caught and he denies the accusations with the proof). I suggest you read the manner that a Muslim husband, and wife should have. You are not a rug to be walked on, and do not be a push over either. Alhamdulilah you have beautiful babies that need to know that their mom is a strong woman.
also
I don't know what to do to save my marriage, I don't want my marriage to break cause of some trash, believe me she is not attractive, I asked guys would they date her, they all made wierd faces, my husband himself said to me she's not attractive. I don't know what he see in her, I am 32 and people think I look like a teenager and lot of time people don't believe me I have 2 kids, is cause I look after myself, I get compliment everyday when I'm out, even if I'm with my husband. I guess its not the looks...
Whether you think this woman is trash or not it is not up to you as the judge it is up to Allah to judge us all, you criticize her looks yet are you pointing any fingers at your husband? or analyzing your relationship with him? You are comparing yourself to another person which is something you shouldn't do. What your husband has done is very haram, and the only ones you should focus on taking care of is yourself and your children, forget about finding ways to rake someone back in, clearly he made his choice when he violated the marital contract and goes out and parties rather than spend time working on his marriage and spending time with his kids
Asalam Alaikum Sister,
You closed your question asking if you should forgive. The thing is that you can only forgive someone who seeks forgiveness.. your husband does not even care that he was caught, and in fact continued to contact this woman even after. I don't think that staying just because of your child is enough to keep a marriage going, there should be more. If your child sees you are unhappy, the child will also be unhappy. Do not harm yourself physically, emotionally or mentally, and sadly it seems that what you are doing is letting him take advantage of your character. You told him from the beginning that you were uncomfortable with him speaking to this woman and he should have taken that and considered your feelings. I don't think that this man really cares about family values, because he is being unfaithful, lying, and manipulating you. Is this how you want to teach your child how a wife and husband's relationship should be? The only thing I can do is to tell you to separate and ask him if he wants to change, give him a time frame (like 3 months) if you do not see any changes, then request a divorce. It is your right to want another child.
Salaam
Sister your story caught my attention because am going through a similar situation. May Allah guide you during this difficult time inshaalah. When a man is blinded by love or interest for another woman, they don't care and see your efforts in saving the marriage as nagging. My husband is 37 and had 3previous marriages but when I married him he only had one who lived in America with 6 kids. I knew him for only 3weeks and we got married, everything was perfect until I had or child. He started abusing me emotionally by not responding to my calls when I call him during the day, coming home 2am and when I ask him he doesn't answer me and I'd get angry n start shouting then he would start dressing saying am leaving I don't need ur hustle. This went on 4 several months when I got his close friends involved to try and talk some sense into him but it all failed and I let him be coz he already left our home. I started praying istikhara everyday but still used to call him but never answers his phone and when he does he says he's busy.He stayed for 3weeks And when I wasn't calling him anymore he asked me to give him one more chance which I did.
He recently gave me his I phone and unaware that his email was open, I was shocked at the first message I opened, I saw a naked picture of him and a girl, I decided to check some more and I realised he was having affairs with 4different girls from the moment I had my kid a year ago. I asked him and his response was even more shocking " it's them not me, I chose you over them even though they are all beautiful girls" he claims he will change since he is going to Hajj but I doubt it because he already has 2failed marriages and a wife who sees him once a year.
Sometimes we need to take a stand to be heard but when it fails we think about what's important for us, our health and for our deen. I am very depressed but Alhamdullah my daughter is my strength at the moment, am only 24 and a student at a top university am sure I deserve better and that's why I ask Allah to give me strength to move on.
There are two kind of people u meet when you marry, someone who will make easy 4u to entr paradise and one who makes it easy for you to enter jahannam. May Allah s.w. makeit easy for us inshaalah.
Hello Sabqa,
AssalamA.
I've gone through your whole story and I believe I realized your situation. I don't know whether its still persist with you or not.
Asuming it is going on yet and if so, please try to understand 2 basic points and keep doing the 3rd step alongside to solve your problem (not only this any).
1. Sometimes Allah wants us to be more close towards him & his path and he gives distress, afflictions or calamity in our perpetual life (it could be with any matter). So you have to be really very positive / optimistic although its so tough to be so in such hard-time.
If you go search and analyse those who are blessed by Almighty eventually most of them had faced truly trough-time in their life beforehand and which led themselves to become a true sevent of Allah. Its really difficult to explain if you do not try to understand this wisdomic meaning.
Thus, one's affliction / hard-time usually fetch him / her to approach to Allah in true sense (from deep inside your heart / soul). Meaning affliction doesn't comes to harm you ultimately rather if you realize you will find that it comes to purify you to be blessed by Allah. As by burning over and over someday you will find there is NO ONE BUT ALLAH alone to help you to rescue you (offcourse if you take it positively) and thats the moment your prayer will be more and more worthy to Allah.
2. At the same time you also need to be less focused on the matters / things / person which matters you a lot in practical. You need be rather keep you in righteous position always. It is also very tough to do!! But you can only be able to do so once you can truly depend on almighty God (for your affairs / matters).
3. You be persistant on seeking almighty's help by DUAs (i can share some particular dua for the purpose) with Salawat (darood), Nafal salah while you do not miss any mendatory salah (05 times in a day).
TRY TO IMPROVE QUALITY OF YOUR BELIEVE / FAITH ON ALMIGHTY LORD & ASK HIM PERSISTANTLY TO HELP YOU!
Finally please keep your utmost pateince and longing for almighty's help.
Please read this beautiful dua as many time as you can -
"inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji`oon; Allahumma ajirni fi musibati wa akhlif li khayran minha"
‘Verily, we belong to Allah and verily, unto Him shall we return. O Allah! Reward me for the calamity that has befallen me and grant me better than it.’
May Allah reward you for understanding & remove your problem.
Thanks,
Morshed
Sister... I am going through something similar... I realize this post was in 2012. Your story broke my heart 🙁 what happened now? Are you better? Did you guys stay together? I hope you have healed inshallah...