Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is this a sign from Allah that we shouldn’t marry?

What does that mean?

Assalamu alaikum,

I am in need of sincere advice. I have known a guy for the past 4 years. We are not in a relationship, but we have talked within limits (with his sister in our group chat) just to get to know each other and know if we will be compatible. He is from a practicing family...and his sister knows me too. We are not in love but we both know that we both will make a great couple and good parents to our future children because we both want to make it to Jannah In sha Allah.

Two years ago, he sent his proposal and my mother did not disapprove to them directly but asked them to wait. She told me that she isn't happy about the cultural differences between our families so she can't approve. I have prayed Istikhara almost 20 times since then and always pray to Allah that if he is not good for me, May Allah remove him from my life. Four years have passed and he still wants to marry me! Allah hasn't removed him from my life and his sister is willing to send the proposal again.

My mother doesn't want to reject them directly but is still hesitant only because they are from a different culture and different part of the country we live in. She is afraid of what people would say after they find out that she has approved of a proposal from a different city/culture.

Should I take my mother's hesitance and disapproval as a sign from Allah and the answer to my Istikhara? Or should I try to convince her that he is a good match for me because he and his family are both well educated and practicing muslims?

If my mother's hesitance and disapproval can be signs from Allah and answers to my Istikhara, I will ask him and his family not to waste any more time on me and look somewhere else to get married. But I just want to be sure if her disapproval (even after so many Istikhara prayers) is enough for me to reject him.

Jazak Allahu khyran to anyone who takes out the time to advise me.

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3 Responses »

  1. Walaykum Asalam

    Firstly sister, do not communicate with this man regarding marriage, unless your Wali (guardian) is involved. Your Wali should be a male member in your family, usually the father, brother, uncle, grandfather, etc.

    If you choose to communicate to this man via group chat, then your Wali should be involved in the group chat, rather than the sister of this man.

    Secondly, your mother is not your Wali, and she is not the one who is meant to make all the decisions and have her approval and final say in this matter. Your Wali is the person who should carry out this role, instead of your mother.

    Your mother can be consulted regarding the marriage and present her stance, however she should not be in control of the whole situation.

    Also, your mother’s disapproval and hesitance to go ahead with this marriage due to cultural differences, is not a valid excuse. If this man possesses a level of Deen and character in which you are satisfied with, and there is compatibility such as attraction, etc, then you should not dismiss him due to cultural factors.

    Try to arrange for several face to face meetings with this man, in the presence of your Wali, in order to assess general compatibility and decide if you want to marry him. People change in 4 years, so try to meet this man again. Don’t rush the process.

    If you feel satisfied with this man and so is your Wali, then go ahead with the marriage In shaa Allah. Speak to your mother and let your Wali also explain to her, about how her views on cultural differences are unnecessary concerns to reject a good man, that is compatible with her daughter.

    So sister, in a nutshell, do not reject this brother or let your mother reject him, unless you get your Wali involved. Arrange several face to face meeting with this brother with Wali involved and take matters from there. Also, you can get several family members who are wise and trustworthy, to explain to your mother and help her understand that cultural differences are not dealbreakers or valid reasons for rejection, if there is compatibility.

    Pray Istikhara again. May Allah (SWT) grant you what is best in this dunya and akhira, Ameen.

    • Jazaki Allahu khyran for this response. I am the sister who posted the question. I got another proposal after this and my parents were impressed by this man because he is of the same ethnicity and a hafiz masha Allah. I was willing to give him a chance too but when I looked onto his social media, turns out that he follows several adult pages and that didn't sit well with me. I tried to explain this to my mother but she says that all boys do this, this shouldn't be the reason you reject such a good proposal.
      Talking about the first proposal, I prayed istikhara several times after that and prayed to Allah to remove him from my life if He hasnt written a future for me, with him. But he still hasnt backed out.
      You advised me to consult my wali or someone wise from my family, unfortunately sister.. most of my family is pretty racist {including my father, brother and grandfather}. They will reject this proposal solely because he is from a different ethnicity. I am being pressured into choosing a man that doesn't seem decent to me and reject someone very decent and ideal,who has been willing to marry me for four years, despite several istikharas.
      I am very confused. I pray to Allah to help me. I cant make the wrong choice just to please my family but my family is pretty racist and materialistic, would choose a rich indecent man only because he memorized the quran as a teenager and is of the same ethnicity as me. And will reject a practicing man, who is financially well off and educated too but not of the same culture as me.

  2. Asalamualaykum Syeda,

    You write:

    "Should I take my mother's hesitance and disapproval as a sign from Allah and the answer to my Istikhara? Or should I try to convince her that he is a good match for me because he and his family are both well educated and practicing muslims?"

    If you are having to question whether or not your mom's response is the answer to your Istikhara, then it probably isn't the answer. The answer to your Istikhara should give a sense of peace, fulfillment, and conclusion to your distress and confusion, rather than further confusion and anxiety, which is what you're experiencing.

    I think you need to keep doing the Istikhara until you get this sense of peace.



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