Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can´t see the point of being alive anymore.


"O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere." Quran 2:253

My mum is so controlling and she won’t let me do anything, she’s actually made me feel so suicidal. I can’t take this anymore. I never do anything bad and I always do whatever she tells me to and I still have no freedom.
I’m not allowed out anywhere because she doesn’t trust me and it’s not fair because I haven’t ever done anything wrong! All my life consists of is studying, studying and studying. I get good grades and that doesn’t count for anything, I help her with the housework and cooking and get on with everything she makes me do.

I just finished my A-levels so I applied for a job and got an interview and I didn’t think it was a problem but when I told my mum about the interview she shouted at me and said I’m not allowed a job! I even explained that I want to start saving up now to pay back the student loan and to help me during university but she didn’t listen to me like always. I want to run away and get away from her, ahh I’m really angry. I don’t know why she’s not letting me work, she never gives me any money so I thought I’d pay for myself because I don’t even have a phone or my own computer (I’m almost 19!) and I’m starting university in two months but now I can’t even work because I’m not allowed! It’s so hard to find a job without any experience and I’ve been looking for ages and I can’t believe I have to throw this away because of her. I won’t be able to find one again.
I’m not allowed to watch T.V and I’m only allowed on the computer to do work so I have to lie and pretend I’m already looking into my university subject now to go on the computer. I can’t sit at home anymore, I am sick of tired of having nothing to do and cooking every day.

My mum also constantly puts me down and makes me feel like a piece of crap and it led me to stop eating properly. I was a UK size 8 before and now I don’t even fit properly into a size 6. Being thin is the only thing that gives me satisfaction now.
Because of her I have hardly any friends because they think I’m anti-social as I’m not allowed out and I’m fed up of making excuses. My friends went to Morocco this year and I wasn’t allowed with them so my other friend who also wasn’t allowed asked if we could go for a weekend break in England and it only cost £40 and she didn’t let me go to that either even though she knows my friend and her mum and it’s in this country! She said that if someone asked me to get a boyfriend would I do that too. What has that got to do with anything?!?

She knows I’m not like that and all my friends are decent, this honestly upsets me so much. My friends are becoming more and more distant from me now. I feel really trapped and I’m actually thinking of killing myself before she forces me to marry someone I don’t want to. I couldn’t even go to the university I wanted to go to because I’m not allowed to move out but my brother moved out last year and it’s not fair because he’s allowed to do anything he wants to and he’s had girlfriends but my parents don’t say anything to him and I’ve never done anything against Islam or my parents and they still don’t let me do anything. I wanted to live by myself, not in halls and pay for it with my loan and job and my dad said it’s okay because I’m a good girl but my mum said no.

What’s the point in anything anymore if she’s going to restrict me?  I want to be independent. Can’t my mum see that she’s made me hate her so much and made me want to do all the things she’s stopped me from doing? I don’t know why she’s punishing me. My dad doesn’t mind if I want to go out but he can’t do anything because he’s hardly home and my mum wouldn’t let me anyway. There’s so much more my mum has done but I can’t think of it right now.
There’s no way I can talk to her because I’ve already tried and she doesn’t listen to me. I can’t even run away because I have no money. My faith is slowly fading and I can’t physically make myself pray to Allah anymore because it’s been years and years of praying for the same thing and I know it won’t change and I’m so close to giving up on Islam. I’ve been calm and patient for so long and I’m fed up. What should I do, please can somebody help me because I’m going crazy and I can’t see the point being alive anymore.

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6 Responses »

  1. First things first, in terms of not letting you go away for the weekend alone, I wouldn't ever let my daughter go anywhere alone. That part I believe she got right.

    Let no woman travel without a mahram, this is a clearly defined rule. Fitnah can overcome anyone at any time.

    As for your mother's cruelty, I really don't understand how mothers out there can be so cruel to their children, but be patient, I have almost 100% faith that for your suffering and pain in your youth, Allah will marry you to a man who will treat you like his queen and make you feel loved and special. So just be patient, this is a test and you'll be rewarded, in this life and the next.

  2. Sister I can understand your pain what you must be going through because i had a friend just like you. She was in the same situation. All i want to say dear sister please do not hate your mother. You might not understand it but your mother is doing all for your own self security. More then that have you ever realized if Allah has not answered your prayers yet there must be something better for you in that..which you cannot see right now. Do not lose hope and your faith. Insha'Allah Allah will listen all your prayers. Why I am saying you this because He (swt) does listen everyone prayers.

    P.s : my friend who was in the same situation..she can drive, got a job, had nikah and can go anywhere she wants now. N Guess what she used to the say the same words like you. Allah listened her prayers. I know her mom loves her.

    So be patient sister. I know it seems hard but trust me when everything will fall into right place you will be the one saying. I am so happy n wished I have never felt anything like that. 🙂

  3. Sister, my heart goes out to you. You sound so down and depressed. But sister please don’t give up just yet, in fact never give up. Every man, woman on this earth is tested with different tribulations. And you know what especially in this beautiful month of Ramadan, if you remain patient Allah will reward you immensely.
    For some in this world parents can be the greatest trial and it seems to be that way for you. But there is a reason and only Allah knows what that reason is. Please have faith in His decree. Turn to him and pray hard. If you spent your entire time during Ramadan praying and reciting the Qur’an your mother cannot complain about you. All the things you mentioned you cannot do are typical of the western lifestyle. Going out with friends, going on holidays without mahrems, watching television, etc, are not traditionally Muslim actions.
    That’s not say that you remain confined in your house like a prisoner, but what I’m saying is that don’t look at all these things and make them your sole purpose in life, things that you need to do, just so that you can ‘fit’ in. Do not let them be your goals in life.

    My suggestion to you would be to rather than antagonise your mother by constantly speaking of this, try to engage her in activities that you’d like to do. For example, take her out with you for lunch; if you’ve got sisters maybe you can all go together. Go shopping with her, treat her, treat yourself. Invite friends over to your house and have a girly night in, so that your mum can see for yourself who your friends are and at the same time you can have some fun. Join a study circle in your local mosque, that way your mother be happy with you and you will get the chance to meet new sisters, get out the house for a bit, most importantly you'll learn about your deen.

    In most cases our parent have a totally different upbringing to ours, sometimes they’re from a completely different culture and for some it can be very difficult to understand the lifestyle you want. I do believe that your mother is not intentionally trying to be cruel, I think this is the only way she probably thinks she can be a good mother. This may also stem from perhaps how she was bought up by her mother. Please be patient with her.

    Below are some Prophetic sayings I want you to read with a open heart and mind.

    The following is narrated by Imran ibn Husain, Abdullah ibn Amr, and Abu Bakra:

    The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Shall I tell you which is the worst of the major wrong actions?" They replied, "Yes, Messenger of Allah." He said, "Associating something else with Allah and disobeying parents." He had been reclining, but then he said up and said, "And false witness."

    Anas ibn Malik: A man came to the Messenger of Allah and said: "I longed to go on jihad but I was not able to". He said: "Is either one of your parents still alive?" The man said: "My mother". He said: "Allah has instructed us in devotion to her, so if you do thus, you are as one who has made the hajj, the umrah and participated in jihad."
    You see, sister, mothers are one of the means by which Allah exercises His creation. Beyond what she is due as a parent, a mother is additionally due special feelings of reverence and dutifulness. This is because of the travails that she suffered during pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing. The Prophet (saw) has particularly instructed that mothers are due the best conduct four times before fathers are.

    My sincere advice to you sister is please please be patient. This not something to end your life for. Look around you, there is utter misery in people’s lives but they remain steadfast and beseech Allah for help. You do the same.
    My other suggestion to you is also to have a heart to heart with your dad, lay your anxiety and frustration on the table, maybe he can help by speaking to your mum on your behalf, but in all cases try your best to show your mother kindness, it may go a long way in easing the situation for you.
    I hope Allah makes it easy for you.

  4. As salamu alaykum, sister meenam,

    Ramadan kareem to you.

    I would like to add the following, you are an excellent student, you are an excellent daughter, but you feel you don´t control, that the control is on your mum´s hands, and you have chosen to control what you eat to create the feeling that you have power over your mum, she cannot control that, then you are powerful, ....Please stop this attitude and come back to healthy habits of eating, after Ramadan, even if you don´t want, push yourself to eat five times a day, two strong meals and three normal ones, please stop playing with your health, you are still on time, but you have to stop starving yourself because at the end this is a way of self destruction and you don´t want to fall in the nightmare of eating disorders.

    Sister you are powerful and you don´t need to show it controlling your intake of food, accept what you have, forgive your mum, be soft hearted to her, I know her attitude is painful and hurt a lot, but she is your mum and she may not know how to behave in other way, stop fighting, when she turns too painful, do wudu, look for refuge on Allah(swt), see her Heart, pray for her, forgive her once and again,....Allah(swt) knows all and best. He(swt) is watching all your efforts that you do with your mum, look at it just as a test, nothing personal, she is helping you to grow up and be your best. When you change the way you look at the situation, you submit to Allah(swt) you won´t have the need of being controlling, you will let yourself flow as water, watch a current of water, study the way it functions and how it deals with obstacles, you will learn a lot, insha´Allah.

    Have you read, read some of the articles, you will find them very inspiring.

    Be an silent example for your mum, be your best my beloved sister, be balanced, do your prayers, read and recite the Quran, see opportunities instead of obstacles and learn to deal with dissapointments as opportunities to grow up and to be grateful for, learn to smile from Heart and enjoy you are with your family, soon Insha´Allah, you will be a mature, independent woman with her own family, enjoy this part of life, because once you have learnt this lesson and pass the test, you will be inside of other life lesson to get ready for other test, insha´Allah.

    From Heart to Heart,

    María Editor

  5. Sister,theres millions in your situation. I,being one of them. I've learned to embrace the idea. Clear-cut shariah fun. I used to be very rebellious and upset because I meant "They do everything different to normal people!" ,but I truly make shukr now. Have faith,Allah Ta'aala has a greater plan in mind for you.

  6. I happened to think of this question yesterday when I heard a hadeeth that islam enetered the world as a stranger and it will return to being a stanger,so give glad tidings to the strange ones. We are living in an era where indecency has been beautified and made compulsory. We are seen as strange in this world,we are seen as the odd ones,but we have been given glad tidings and that is enough. Let us rather be a stranger to this world then to be treated as one when we stand infront of Allah Ta'aala.

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