Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Pregnant with a Hindu but too afraid to tear my family apart

pregnancy kit, pregnant

Pregnant

As-salamu alaykum,

I am a 23 year old Bangladeshi sister, born and raised in the UK. I am currently still living at home with my mum, step-dad and young step-sister with no other brothers or sisters.

I studied a few years ago and now I am only working part time.

Since I was 16 years old I developed a relationship with a Yemeni man, but my family would not approve to marry him as he was from a different race although he was a Muslim.

Even after I was sent to Bangladesh for an arranged marriage I still refused and when brought back to the UK I requested again but they still did not allow.

Since then I have shamefully been on the wrong path and have been committing even greater sins. I will shamefully admit I still do not know how to pray properly and the way my lifestyle is I would shamefully admit I probably should not even class myself as a proper Muslim.

Over the past 6 months I have developed a relationship with a Hindu (he is 2 years younger than me) and I have done zina. I did not intend for this relationship but I had fallen in love.

I knew I had to leave this relationship sooner rather than later as my family would not accept but it is too late now. I found out yesterday I am 6-7 weeks pregnant.  I do not know what to do. I am so scared of continuing with the pregnancy due to what it will put through my family.

My family are very traditional and strict. My mother has been divorced from my real father since I was 1 years old and she has told me she had an abortion with her 2nd child whilst separated as she could not have coped. She has also told me in the past that if by chance I was ever to fall pregnant before marriage then I would have to have an abortion and no one in the family is to know (she does not know I have done zina). She has also been on anti-depressants for the past 22 years and cannot come off of them without feeling very low to the point of sometimes even being suicidal.

I do not really have a relationship with my step-father where I can talk to him about this but I am certain he would have the same views as my mother. I am the eldest of a few nieces and nephews out of all of my mother’s side of the family so there is a lot of pressure on how I turn out.

My mum doesn’t have many people to talk to as my family are very typical in a sense that they will gossip and have already judged my mum for having a divorce in the family and how well/bad I turn out. I help around with my family a lot in terms  of finance, help with translation at appointments and providing travel  as I am the only driver and care for my younger sister  etc.

My partner has said that he will convert to Islam but only for the reason to be able to process the completion of marriage. He believes in a God but that is it. He has said he will do anything for this to work and will marry me and support me. He has said if I have an abortion he will understand because family is everything; however he would like to have our baby as he believes this is a blessing from God.

He told me I can live with him and his mum (a practising Hindu). However he has a court date in June where he is more than likely going to be sentenced to prison for up to 12 months for a crime that he has not committed but unfortunately was at the wrong place at a wrong time for a serious fight that his friend has been in.

Most of my friends are non-Muslim so I have no one to talk to and seek proper advice. I cannot speak to anyone in my family as I don’t even really know who my cousins are. The only people I speak to are my aunties but their views seem to be more on the traditional side than religious.

 I really do not want to have an abortion because I know this is forbidden. I feel that reality has hit me and I really want to become a practising good Muslim regardless of whichever situation this turns out to be. On the other hand if I do not have an abortion I do not know what to do next. I know my mum will more than likely have a heart attack and I will be the death of her bringing her this stress. The thought of running away and not seeing my younger sister (I am so close to her I feel as though she is like my own child)  and not seeing my family and how much heartache and drama it will cause to them just seems unbearable. Telling them or running away will both cause my mum a heart attack.  It doesn’t seem possible. It will completely destroy my family. I will bring shame to the family but most importantly with the state my mum is in I know this will harm her mentality alongside difficulties in bringing up my sister.

I know my family will not accept for me to marry a Hindu and to continue with the pregnancy. But how will I live without my family knowing they will be falling apart. The thought makes me feel sick and I feel like I will go crazy and mental alongside trying to bring up my child in a household that isn’t Muslim.

I will be honest to say that my thoughts are more on the side to go ahead with an abortion as this will kill my mother and destroy the whole family if I went ahead with the pregnancy. But I know I will not be able to cope after an abortion as I know I would have killed my unborn child. This is tearing me apart. I wish I had never created this mistake but I know it is my fault.

Please can somebody help me? I haven’t stopped crying and I am feeling exhausted and drained. I know I have done wrong and I will pray to Allah for forgiveness and guidance and most importantly start to learn how to pray properly. Please I am begging for help. I cannot go to my local mosque as our community is small so everyone knows each other and I have tried looking at websites but I need direct help and advice.

- tania123


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14 Responses »

  1. Asa sister,I'm British as well and have grown upon this community alongside many bengalis and paki sisters. Ikmow the condemnation you face as I saw a dear friend almost beaten to death by family for the same situation. Its easy for people on this board to say just leave but its not easy.its expensive to live alone In the UK and to find decent work.council benefits are not available like they were in the past to single mums . Look you have committed sin as well all have,and I'm not here to judge you.I don't want to see you hurt by your family.what do you feel is best? I have five children and been married three years..two sets of twins and a neeborn.I had an abortion once while I was married bcos there was a bad fetal abnormality that the child would've died from at birth.. sister my heart aches everyday I see the other twin... ieventhough it threatened my life I couldn't fathom undergoing that again. Look there are resources but unfortunately in our community we rather condemn than help sisters in this predicament. I'm sorry but the smile you'd get from your baby and all that you go thru would be worth it.its the best job given to us by Allah set is to be a mum.

  2. salamm

    my dear sister
    it is the intention that counts for every good intention you get a reward and for following it through you get rewarded again it takes time to master the skill of reading namaz properly go to your local mosque and ask for help with it

    and as per your situation i would not advise to abort but you know your situation better try and speak to that guy and see if he will marry you if he says yes then before you go ahead make sure you both do thuba from your hearts for the zina that you have committed and go forward if you do not have the support from your family then your other option is to speak to an mulana that will not be biased and ask them to help you both Islamicly go forward

    i am sure the editors will also advise with very good advise soon inshallah

    OH AND BEFORE YOU start all this read about istahara and read it for this test that Allah has sent you to guide you the right way forward and strengthen your emaan

    Allah hafiz

    • salaam

      sorry i got my wires grossed i thought he was muslim but it was the first guy that the sister spoke of that was muslim

  3. u sound like ur trapped and are ready to giv up.........all i knw is this life is but a test and allah is forgiving. evryting we do n say has an affect on us n the ppl around us but wat happens was meant to b. whther u r the cause or not it WAS MEANT TO BE. this little baby that is inside u is a blessin whom allah has sent to u to mayb wake u up n realise where ur life shld b headin.

    as for ur boyfrnd mayb this will b the door for him to lead him to the rite path. sure he will only do it for ur sake but mayb this will b his first step towrds imaan n u will b that door. it is def a very hard situation that u r in but jus remember life n death hav been decided before we were born. tellin ur mum may cause her to becum ill, may cause death (god forbid) but that was goin to happen nyway.

    allah luvs those who repent. when u r openly admittin to ur sins n are sorry for it then allah is forgiveful as long as ur niyath is now to do wats rite, inshallah believe in allah n ask him n only him for help n ur dua will b answered inshallah.

    may allah giv u sabr n the answer to make ur n ur family's life a imaan one

    read namaz n make dua, when u feel there is no one that is the time the blessd ones remember allah is always there ALWAYS

  4. Sister whatever situation you going through it's very very sad and it's dangerous and even more sad that you with a guy who is not Muslim and I am sure you know that in Islam woman can't marry non Muslim and even they want t convert then they can marry but that convert has to be from heart not the sake of marriage. As per you described his reason to convert in my knowledge I don't think it will be valid and your marriage will also not be valid in Islam.

    The situation you in now it's very hard to say what you should do. I won't advice you to have an abortion in Islam it's like killing someone. But the other choice you have it's even more invalid. I think you should speak to your mother and tell her about everything. I am sure she will stand beside you. And by any chance your mother dosent support you then you should consult with an imam about this matter. For this you don't need to go to local mosque you can go a bit far. Do you study? Do job? Can you support yourself? 

  5. Assalamualaikum,

    What have you done to yourself, sister? Zina is one of the major sins, and one of the reasons is such corruption in our youth. A Muslim nation punishes it with 100 lashes. Many women marry non Muslim men as a result of their pregnancy. This is more dangerous than the Zina itself.

    Whether Allah Will Forgive you or not is His Wish and we can't have a say. So Repent to Him day and night, cry to Him in the middle of the night and hope that He Will Forgive.

    I am sorry, but you will have to choose one of the two ways because the third seems a path of hell fire (marriage to this man while he does not accept Islam, convinced about it and practicing it). The first is a sin which is killing your child, which I will never ask you to do. So the only way you have is to inform your family about it. The repurcussions are a fruit of your own doing. I am sorry to say but this is the bitter truth.

    Tell this to your mother and calm her down, and ask her to marry you to a man who is religious. It is difficult to find a man who will accept you with a child from Zina, but it is not impossible, if you do tawbah and start practicing Islam as you should. Learn how to offer Salah and read the Qur'aan. You could start a new post with a question about prayers so that the subject is kept separate from this.

    Abu Abdul Bari
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Good reply!!

    • Well said !!

    • Well said,just extending a bit..Allah make ways for HIS ppl just ask for forgvness n your past will no more belong to u...Your a fresh new muslim without any sin...instead of i suggesting u anything i think you better refer Allah ask HIM To guide you and he surely answers call of those who call upon HIM...May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen

  6. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, this is an extremely complicated and difficult situation for you, and people will sadly get hurt no matter what you do next. The important thing therefore is to do what is right.

    Marriage to a man who would be converting in name only would result in disputes and struggles, your child would not get the Islamic upbringing you want for them, and would be disobeying the Islamic boundaries prescribed for us. It may be that if he learns more about Islam he may recognise the truth in it and genuinely convert, so it would be acceptable for you to ask him to read more about our faith. However, he should do this by himself and for himself. I would not advise marrying him using conversion as a deception - the truth will come out, your child will be conflicted and confused about their upbringing and its inconsistency, and while you can try to deceive people in this world, Allah knows the truth of what is in our hearts and deception is impossible.

    There are many open-minded and kind-hearted Muslim men who would love you for yourself and the good Muslimah you become, and help you to grow and learn. It is not a choice between marrying this man or not marrying at all ever.

    Abortion is the killing of a life inside you, a life which has already blessed you and helped you turn back to Islam. The Quran teaches that if a person kills one other it is like killing the whole of humanity, and if a person saves another it is like saving the whole of humanity. By leading you back to Islam, your child may already have saved you, I would urge you not to end their life by abortion - this baby is a blessing.

    Telling your family will be hard and may well lead to many harsh words and tears, but I would hope that in time they would see the joy in the situation as well as the struggles - their daughter has returned to Islam and the family has been blessed with a new life. If your family respond in anger and you are afraid they will hurt you or your child or try to force you into marriage or overseas, you can seek help from the authorities and Muslim women's groups, but inshaAllah they should be supportive of you.

    Even if your family do not support you and you are faced with the challenge of raising a child alone, this is better than abortion, or being forced into marriage, or raising your child in an undesired environment. If this is the case, celebrate the blessing of your child and set a good and constant example of Islamic faith and integrity for them.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. aslaam o allaikum
    AYATBINTHAMZA before you answer any questions or offer any advice you need to check your language and manner you speak in. if you live in uk and grew up with asian children you must know word "PAKI" is very offensive and use of this word is classed as a racism
    sorry if i sound harsh

  8. @tania123

    Walaikumassalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu.

    How are you now sister ? What have you decided to do ? Kindly let us know.

  9. In the link "Since I was 16 years old I developed a relationship with a Yemeni man" .. And u are 23 years old.

    For 7 years that Yemeni didnt make u pregnant but in 6 months u Mushrik bf made u pregnant...

    This is the difference between one who beleive in Allah and one who doesnt.

  10. You put yourself in this situation and now you are regretting.

    Unfortunately, there is no undo here. You cannot undo it .....you will have to suffer the whole life.;

    May Allah make it easy for you.

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