Very unhappy about my marriage
Aslaamulikum..
I really need your help and advice. I'm in a very difficult situation and have no idea what to do. Or what's right and what's wrong.
Basically I got married 1 yr & 10 months ago. My husband lives in pakistan and I live in the UK. We were engaged first. Before engagement when my father in law ask me to marry his son. I said yes.. But my husband was forced to marry me by his parents mostly his dad. I did not know this before engagement. After engagement I found out that he's not happy with this relationship. I talked to my parents but they said it's too late now you're already engaged to him. What will society say about this. And then I had to stay quiet and marry him. The problem between us is the difference we have between each other. And the difference we have is that he's good looking and handsome but I'm not that beautiful. We just don't look like a nice couple.
I went to Pakistan for 1& half month to marry him. During that time people gave me negative comments about me and him which made me feel so sad and embarrassed. Even my husband was making fun of me and how I look, either alone or in front of people. I was hurt so much.
When we got married by his mother we were both forced to have sex. We didn't wanted to coz we thought we need some time and weren't ready but she wasn't listening to our words and just wanted us to have sex and then let her know that we did it. Finally just to make her happy we had sex twice. And after that there was nothing between us. We were more like friends for the rest of the month and then I had to came back to uk. When I came back I was so hurt emotionally. I went to marry and start a new life but I came back with hurts and pains in my heart. I can not forget all those bad times I had. It makes me cry whenever I remember those times.
By the grace of Allah when I came back to UK 2 weeks later I found was pregnant. I could not believe it. But it was true I was pregnant. And now I have a year old baby girl.
But the problem is that I don't have any feelings or love for my husband. I don't even consider him my husband from my heart. He's no one to me. He judged me for my look and didn't even give me a chance to prove him that I could be good wife. He knew that I not a very good looking but he accept me just for the sake of his parents. And this is making me more angry.
After coming back to UK. I went to Pakistan to visit him after my baby was born. With my baby. And then there was no changes in our relationship in fact it was worse then before. We were not comfortable with each other. We didn't use to talk a lot or spent time with each other.
Til now we never had sex again after that first 2 times. To make long story short. After visiting him I came back to uk. He's still in pakistan and we are waiting for visa for him to come to the UK. But we still don't have feelings for each other. Especially me. I don't consider him my husband. I don't hate him but I don't like or love him also. I'm not comfortable with him at all. I never wanna be with him. Not even one day.. I always pray he gets married again coz I know we will never be happy together. I'm not doing this on purpose. I'm scared that people will talk and compare me with him whenever they see as together. I can't hear anymore negative comments about myself in front of him. I'm really tired of myself being insulted by other people. I know he also doesn't like me. But he's not saying anything coz of his parents.
We hardly talk or chat over the phone coz I don't feel like talking to him and he also doesn't care about it.
I completely lost my confidence and self esteem. I feel hurt and betrayed. I don't think I can ever change my feelings for myself or for him. 🙁
Now my questions are. Is our marriage valid? The feelings of not liking him or not considering him my husband right or wrong. Am I committing a sin by doing this although I'm not doing anything by purpose. I know husband has rights on wife but I truly don't have any feelings for him anymore. I started not to like him since I found out he accept me just coz of his parents and those bad moments I had after marriage. I'm worried this will also affect our daughter's life. I want her to be happy in her life.
Can you please guide me whether I'm right or wrong. Am I committing a sin. We're both not happy in this marriage and it was forced married so was our nikah valid?? Plz I'm waiting for a good answer. You're my first and last hope. Coz I don't know whom to talk about this. I'm very stressed about this. I don't wanna do anything against Allah's wish.
safaa22
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salam
sister you should not worry about people as they do not want to see happy someone. I think he is your husband now and why you are waiting for his visa I think you should go to Pakistan and you should live with him. And you both should try to understand each other and if he does not then you should do beginning and remember sister beauty is not every thing. what you will do with beautiful face if you do not have a beautiful heart. And he is your husband perhaps he thinks that he has been forced for the marriage and perhaps he thinks that you are not beautiful but try to realize him that you are not beautiful but you have a beautiful heart and InshAllah you will see that heart beauty will dominate over face beauty and you should realize him that you are her wife and you have some rights and if all the tricks does not work and get failed then you should straight talk to him that why he is doing so and and you should said that you need your rights and respect. sister try to solve your problem and then things do not get better then you should said that if he is not happy then he should divorce you but sister please try to safe your marriage because divorce is very end stage that will finish every thing between you both and at last if things do not get right then you should take divorce and should start a new life but always try to save your marriage because these things are not easy as they seen.
May Allah help you.
Hi sister ,
dont worry i am also a Pakistani i know how it feels so dont worry about it you both are couples and as the time passes Allah will create love between both of you , you must not leave him in Pakistan just go and live with your husband and not to leave him for even one day and spend time with him and pray to Allah for the guidance and i hope Allah will make your life happy with him.
While if you live there in Uk without your husband this is not good he will find another lady before you and he is your husband you must take care of him rather he likes you or not .
Asalamoalaikum Sister,
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties.
Essentially, the people at most faults are both his and your parents. Prior to your marriage, it was important for both parents to ask their children if they were happy with the proposal. If he was not attracted to you, his parents had no right to force him to marry you. And when you found out about this, your parents had no right to force you to stay. Happiness should not be sacrificed in the name of culture.
Coming from a Pakistani background, my maternal grandmother did the same thing to my uncle. She forced him to marry her sister’s daughter, his cousin. Fast forward, he was never attracted to her and they both stayed miserably for two years. He had a daughter with her, yet his feelings did not change. At the end, he decided to divorce her and it tore apart two families, two sisters. Although my uncle is a very kind hearted human being, he could not save his marriage because no matter how hard he tried, he could not develop an attraction for his ex-wife. Not only that, his wife had to endure so much heart ache (and she too is a wonderful woman) knowing she wasn’t attractive in his eyes. Essentially, today I blame no one but my grandmother for this calamity. You cannot force marriages, period.
I highly suggest you give your marriage one last try. If you both still cannot develop an attraction for one another, and you feel your self-esteem deteriorating, then you need to leave. And this time you need to only listen to yourself.
-Helping Sister
Assalam alaikum Dear Sister,
I am sorry that you are in a marriage in which both of you are not happy. That is indeed sad, but unfortunatley, it is not surprising. The root cause of this entire ordeal is very very simple. You wrote that your parents responded to your worries with:
"What will society say about this."
I can tell you right now that if all you are doing is satisfying the people, providing less rumors, putting on a smiley face to prevent being the talk of the town, you will never reach genuine happiness. It is truly sad that instead of making the focus of your marriage a means of growing spiritually or becoming closer to Allah swt, your parents are worried about what people will say. Sadly, this is what drives many of us. It is a struggle that many, you and me, find ourselves in, but, this is NOT the reason to stay with someone.
Your marriage is valid as you both consented to regardless of how you or him felt, but both of you are not helping one another. I suggest that you have a candid talk with one another, decide if you want to give it one more try and see if the both of you develop some real attraction to each other OR if you want to part in kindness as the relationship is still early and would become a mere memory after some years--yet if you stayed together to please people and not yourselves and Allah swt, you will both be scarred.
Also, it is absolutely sickening to know that any parent would interfere in their son's or daughter's intimate lives to the point that they would inquire about their sex lives after marriage. This is unacceptable.
I have seen these types of marriages amongst family and family friends in Pakistan and I have seen people really suffer. The marriage falls apart, affairs start, but society is happy...?. Meanwhile, the family acts like everything is normal because they have made society happy with this facade of a marriage. So realize that marriage should bring some level of peace and happiness to you and your husband - no one can tell the both of you what that is, so, rely on Allah swt, pray Isthikhara, be sincere and pray. Instead of making society happy, focus on your marriage and finding peace in it, OR if you mutually agree after exhausting ways of finding happiness in your marriage, you may have to part. If you stay together, do it for the right reason, if you part, do so also for the right reason.
As for going to Pakistan and living with your husband, I don't feel comfortable in supporting that suggestion especially because of the difficulties that could arise for you and your daughter--also, it was suggested that you should live with your husband whether he likes you or not or you should try to make him like you - you are not responsible for his feelings or him for yours - while you may foster ways for a good environment in your marriage - you can't make him feel one way or another.
May Allah help you and your husband in your difficulties, Ameen.
Jazakalahukhair everyone for ur kind advices. May allah rewards u all for ur kind words. Ameen
@ Shayan
I know heart beauty is more important then face and thts why i'm very greatful of allah for however my apearance is. Im glad im a muslim and allah has grant me with alot of knowledge about my religon. I try my best to practise my religon and make allah happy. Thats why i secrificed my happniss and everything by eccepting this marriege knowing that i will not be in this marriage at all. But i eccepted for my perents prid and thyer happiness for the sake of allah.
But stil I cant ignor what people are saying about us caz its not that easy. I can ignor it once, towice or thrice but i cant ignor it whole my life. When im alone im ok. People dont talk alot. Even if thy talk about me i dont care. But when im with him they just cant stop commenting. Caz the diffrence between us catches thyer attention very easily. He even feels embarressed for going out with me. I might ignor it but he wount ignor it. Which is why he was also talkig negitive about me when i went to pakitan to marry him.
Like i said i lost all my confidance and selfasteem. i can not try anymore to make this relitionship work. Whatever i could i did it after marriega and when i went to visit him. I cant do anymore caz i know it wont work. Im not comfortable with him at all. I cant even talk to him propelry.
Here i live with my perents. I cant go and live with him in pakistan caz his dad and evryone alse wants him to come to the uk. Also my doughter has admited in hospital here. She recives appointments every month for check ups. Which mean i have to be here until he come here. Even if he comes i dont think anything will change. Instead evrything will go wrong.
Im not looking or thinking about divorce for many reasons. 1. For my doughter. 2. Our perents will never eccept this. And 3. in our culture theres no divorce. No mettar what u have to stay in it. I always pray he gets married again. if he gets married then i will be free from him and people's negitive thoughts and my depression.
Yeh Helping sister, Hes my cousin. Hes my dad's brother's son. So afcorse he and his perents knew exactly how i look like. But stil they had to force him for this marriega for what reason his perents knows.
Im not here to complaine about him or his perents. I know wht happned is totaly wrong. I just wanted to know what im thinking for myself and him. And the negitive feelings I have whether theyr right or not in eyes of allah. I know husband and wife's relitionship and its rules and importance in eyes of allah. But i feel like this is not for me. I feel like im stil single with very broken and hurt heart. the only changes that came in my is life is my doughter. Other then this i dont feel like i got married. 🙁 and all this makes me hate him and his perents day by day. May allah forgive me.
I have some very bad memories relating to this marriage. 1. People's bad comments. 2. Making me more imbaressed and guilty. 3. The way we were force to sleepy with eachother. And lastly some of my husband's bad words which stil goes in my mind and making me feel worthless anf useless. All this is making me not to even talk to him. He also dosnt care whats in my mind. Or try to talk to me.
Im so lost in my life.
"I cant go and live with him in pakistan caz his dad and evryone alse wants him to come to the uk."
Essentially this is the reason that his family forced him to marry you--there are many people who will ignore their son's happiness just so that he can go abroad. Unfortunately, in the face of this reality, this doesn't just boil down to looks and appearances - the ulterior motives weigh heavily .
Sister Safaa,
Sorry to hear about your sufferings . It is very shocking that despite your parents staying in UK for such a long time they forced you to marry this guy .I don't understand why they are interested to please society .
You can't play a martyr for your parents selfish thinking . You need to take on them straight and do what you want in life .
Some times obedient kids suffers because of parents selfish thinking .
@Logical You can't play a martyr for your parents selfish thinking . You need to take on them straight and do what you want in life .
Some times obedient kids suffers because of parents selfish thinking
I agree with this 100% it hurts but its TRUE parents don't always see a good child instead see their own selfish needs to come first.
Salam sister im sorry to hear about your suffering. I really wish your parents hadn't forced you into this but no point dwelling on the past. I believe physically we all have something that's beautiful about us. Nobody is perfect. I sometimes find that women don't take care of their appearance because they feel they are not pretty. Do you dress up for your husband eg make up, getting Ur hair done, facials, keeping slim etc. I know these are all superficial things but it seems this is the biggest set back in your marriage. There's so much that can be done using make up/nice clothes etc - you can literally transform a person. Whilst your living in the UK and away from yournhusband, work on yourself, transform yourself. Normally I wouldn't make such superficial suggestions but it seems to be an important aspect of your marriage. I mean look at these so called supermodels - a lot of them would not look the way they do without intense workouts/diets/make up etc - they work on themselves. No pain no gain! I personally went through a phase where I felt ugly. I had gained a lot of weight, my skin was awful, and for me it was a vicious cycle because I felt that no matter what I do I'll never look good. I was obsessed with my nose which was broken since childhood and to me it looked awful. I seriously felt like the ugliest person on the planet. People made comments about my nose too even members of my close family, and it shattered my self esteem. But I worked on myself, I worked out, lost weight, had regular facials, learned how to use make up, etc etc. And now a few years later I love how I look. Agajn, I cannot stress to you how superficial this all is and a marriage should have a deeper connection, but I'm just saying that sometimes you need to work on yourself, you need to make yourself attractive for your husband. Sorry if my comments offend you, perhaps im not giving good advice but just trying to help.
If there is something in specific that worries you about your physical appearance then work on that. Eg crooked teeth - get braces. Yellow teeth - whitening agents. Bad skin - facials/ see your gp for antibx of u suffer from acne. Weight - go to the gym/ have a healthy diet. Hair - wax. Buy some good quality make up, learn how to use it. Clothes- buy some nice elegant clothes, nice jewellery. There is just so much that can be done to improve your physical appearance. I wouldn't give up if i were you. No one is flawless, everyone has a flaw that rhey wish they didn't. I really hope and pray Allah swt puts love and mercy in your husbands heart towards you and makes you the most beautiful woman in his eyes, ameen.
Also sister Pls have a look at this link : http://youtu.be/0sjpfnkKrCI
Jazakallahkhair bucks,
I really appreciate ur advise. yeh i did try to wear make up and nice cloths after my marriega but he used say dont wear make up. I hate make up. I feel discsting from make up. I wore make up sevrel times but he used to say why u wearing make up again. I told u to not wear make up. Then after that i also stoped wearing make up caz there was no point in wearing make up. My facial apearance is not bad i just have problam with my height. Hes alot more taller then me which makes a big diffrence between us. And i geuss there's nothing i can about my height.
I know its a test from allah but why such a difficult test that i feel like im gonna fail this test. Evryone is saying im losing weight and getting skinnier evryday. I eat properly. i know im losing weight caz im very depressed. I feel lonly and broken. I cant talk to my perents about it caz im sure thy wound understand me as thy always think about community and socity first. thats why somehow searching an anwser for my problms i found this site. And came here for help. I needed somone to talk to. To tell them how hurt deeply i am. I feel much better now at least i could share about the feelings which were eating me from inside. May allah rewards u all for such a nice and helpfull site. Ameen
There's nothing i can do to make him love or feel attracted towards me caz all these are natural feelings which u cant force anyone to have it for u. Also i need to change myself and my feelings for him first in order to save this marriega which i dont think i can do it with such a low cinfidance and self asteem. I just want him to get married agin. This will be better for all of us.
I have seen tonnes of couples where one spouse is taller than the other. Sometimes it's the woman who is taller than the ma, but that doesn't bother them they still go on to have a happy married life.. Forget what other people think or say. Like sister Saba said if you base your happiness on what other people think or say you will never be happy. Sister my cousin is only 4ft something and her husband is near 6ft - sure people found that a little odd but they didn't care because they were both happy together and alhamdulillah now they have gone on to have three beautiful children and are living a content and fulfilled married life.
Don't fixate on your height - wear heels. Learn to love yourself, go for counselling and try to develop your self esteem. Has your self esteem been affected after the marriage or was it always low? Did people always comment on your height or is it only in comparison to your husband? Focus on further improving your personality, and confidence - attract your husband using words.
I just don't feel like you should give up so easily. It's like you have shut yourself off - your blocking out your own feelings in order to protect yourelf from feeling hurt.
Also I don't really agree with you when you say there is nothing you can do to attract or make someone love you. I think being attractive is something you can work on. And love I believe comes with time when you get to know a person and go through the good and bad times with them. Sometimes it doesn't happen straightaway unlike lust, it can take time. In this case neither you nor your husband seem to be making any effort. Your both staying miles apart and I don't believe that will help.
Make dua to Allah swt, I pray with all my heart that Allah puts love in both your hearts for each other and enables you both to overlook each others flaws. Ameen.
Don't give up just yet! Focus on yourself!
Sorry for the million messages but another thing is that being attractive doesn't necessarily mean that your husband will love you, there are so many other factors in a marriage. I consider myself attractive, my husband was definitely attracted to me when we got married - there was absolutely no doubt about that. I took a lot of care with my appearance, hygiene the way I smelt etc etc But that didn't stop him from going onto cheat on me. And the woman he cheated with is so much older than me and not particularly good looking!! There were no excuses. He mentally tortured me by denying intimacy when I wanted it and using me whenever he was in the mood. And then to justify his own bad behaviour he started calling me fat etc which I wasn't, it was just an excuse, but it would hurt me and reduce me to tears. But I believed him and it affected my self esteem greatly, and that didn't do any good for me in my marriage, I lost self respect and dignity because I literally felt like a nobody. But really it was just him, he enjoyed the control he had over me, he was insecure in himself so he had to bring me down with him.
In the same way your husband and these other people have no right to comment on your height/flaws because I'm sure they have plenty of their own. You need to really work on your self esteem and stick up for yourself. Don't tolerate this nonsense. Be happy with who you are and be grateful for what Allah swt has blessed you with. Take control of the situation and show your husband your confident and you feel beautiful. You don't need him to make you feel happy. He needs to learn to appreciate you. You have a daughter who you need to set an example to. You need to show her by being a good role model to be confident and comfortable with herself. To stand up for herself!
Anyway those are my feelings re: your situation. I pray things work out for you.
OP: Basically I got married 1 yr & 10 months ago..........When we got married by his mother we were both forced to have sex........But the problem is that I don't have any feelings or love for my husband. I don't even consider him my husband from my heart. He's no one to me. He judged me for my look and didn't even give me a chance to prove him that I could be good wife. He knew that I not a very good looking but he accept me just for the sake of his parents. And this is making me more angry.......After coming back to UK. I went to Pakistan to visit him after my baby was born. With my baby. And then there was no changes in our relationship in fact it was worse then before. We were not comfortable with each other. We didn't use to talk a lot or spent time with each other........Til now we never had sex again after that first 2 times.........I'm not comfortable with him at all. I never wanna be with him. Not even one day..
Why did you apply for your husband's visa?
Jazakallahkhair bucks,
I know sister how much hurt n sad u must've been feeling caz of ur husband's behivour n his rude words. May allah helps u n rewards u for all the problams u face in life. Ameen.
Yeh sister i had this problam of people's nigitive comments even before my marriega. But then i didnt care about them much. My confidence was a bit low but not much. But after marriega whn my husband started to talk about me n gave me negitive comments as well as other people comparing me with him. That was when my confidence came down from low to zero. I left with no self asteem or confidance. I aways have these toughts in my mind that my husband doesnt like me or my company. He feels ashamed of me. And thats what stoping me from trying to make this relition work.
Sister he may not even feel that way about you. Most men find confidence in a woman quite attractive. He may not think that way about you but because you have negative opinions about yourself then maybe your behaving in a way that pushes him away. You him the confident happy you. You need to first work on yourself, this time away from him should be spent building up your confidence, self worth and inner happiness. Seek out counselling so they can help you find ways to do this effectively. You need to break this cycle of negativity. Study, get involved with the community, get some hobbies, build yourself up rather than feeling sorry for yourself. I know it's hard when negativity comes from your own husband but it's also important to realise your self worth. Work on yourself so you can then work on your relationship. Pls don't give up, there's still time to save your marriahe and make a place in your husbands heart for you, rather than telling him to get married again.
@svs, i had to apply for his visa caz thats what evryone wants. And afcorse for socity hes my husband so he has to come here n live with me.
When I am reading your reply and your situation, I think your major obstacle is your low esteem, lack of self confidence and shy away from your problem instead of facing it. I know it sounds unthinkable for people from your culture to see the other side of the wall but I hope you are aware of your passively waiting for solution approach is only damaging your quality of life. You are burying your head under the sand. Your wishful thinking that he may divorce you may take years to come true.
My question to you is what are you planning for your future and your daughter? Are you able to get back to college to earn your degree so that you will be at least financially independent. At least, you don't need to depend on your family or husband to support you. While you are waiting for "something" may happen, you may also like to invest yourself in education. You will be amazed of how many options and doors can open for you. Your marriage is a difficult situation but it is NOT your whole life. Inshallah, while you have a more healthy self image, you may be more able to deal with it. I know some couples live in a same roof as friends for years. Not saying this is your option, but if you care too much of how people will see you, you may end up like that as well. Remember, you have a daughter now, she will start realizing what is going on when she grows older. Do you want her to live in a family like this or you may take the courage to make a decision?
One last advice: marriage does not define yourself, it is your deen, your relationship with Allah and how you hold up yourself as a good muslim woman. For that, you will make a positive impact to your daughter and earn a happy and fulfilled life here and after. Amen.
MasAllah great advise sr k
Jazakallahkhair evryone. I really appreciate evryone's kind words n advises. May allah rewards u all. Thanks alot.
I agree as most of u advised to work on my self asteem n confidence. inshallah this will be my first goal to achive. After that i,ll try to make this marriega work. Due to my depression n hard times i had i was complitly lost in life didnt knw what to do.
Thanks evryone. Please remember me in ur prayers. Jazakallahkhair.
Duas always.
May Allah swt bless you with utmost happiness and bless your marriage ameen
InshAllah for safaa ameen.
Salaam sister bucks, I have been hoping to see you somewhere so I could ask you about how your situation has turned out?
You give good advice to the sisters on this forum I didn't know how else to contact you lol so to the editors plz don't mind me squeezing myself on here since we couldn't share our contact info on this I just want to know how everything has been??
JazakAllah khair to the editors if you allow my message to go through.
I just want to tell you from my own experience people are going to talk whether your married or single. People talk about you today, tomorrow they will talk about someone else ITS LIFE. Its a very cruel world we live in you have to toughen yourself up and be positive in outlook of life ahead of you.
You need to build up on your self esteem and confidence - maybe going college or even maybe working, or go out of the house. This will help you get out of depression and how you feeling.
You need to learn to trust and love yourself - no matter your husband says about you Allah created you beautifully you dont need to change. Sometimes when we have something good its easy to see the faults in another person when actual fact the fault is in that person who starts the issue.
Be a role model for your daughter there's no need to feel unhappy. Be strong for your child keep busy.
and learn to be positive even when the negatives come crashing down. There's a lot of barriers in life but only you can change this to something better.
Give it time within your marriage ignore the nasty people they are only jealous this what happens to people they allow shaitaan to get in the head. Do not let this happen to you.
Jazakallahkhair samina,
Masha allah very beautiful words. U made me feel so much better. May allah rewards u for reading n trying to help me. I really appreciate it.