Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Years Of Lies…

Move ahead with what Allah has Destined for you

I have been with the love of my life for twelve years and six months ago I found out that he had been lying to me all this time.

He is originally from Afghanistan and told me a month after we met that he was married since he was 18 (he is now 40) to a girl who was then 13. It was an arranged marriage..He said his wife lived with her parents in London and that there was no love between them. He said that it would bring shame to her and his family if he divorced her.

Six months ago I found 2 usb sticks in his bag while he was out. I was curious and thought it was just work info or pictures from his homeland. Instead, I found profile pages to Muslim dating sites, numerous pictures of other woman; a conversation between him and a woman from Saudi Arabia in which she wrote that she showed her mother his picture and when was he coming to visit her. I found pictures of him and another woman in Rome which he later claimed that it took place in the year 2000. I remember him telling me he had family visiting in 2006 and he was travelling to Rome with them. She was not family. I was stupified by what I found and called him.He said I was mistaken and the profiles were old.

He had to go to Dubai six months ago to work. Again I was curious and looked him up on the same sites I saw the profile pages for-there he was on one of the living in Dubai pages and he had been online 2 days before. Again I called and again he told me I was mistaken.I also found him on a Ukrainian dating site and there is no telling where he is signed up on.

He apparently has been doing this for years. I even contacted a niece of his at first thinking the number I found was for another girlfriend of his. She informed me that he had been divorced for years.He said again that I was lying and that he was still married. The sad reality to all of this is that I only wanted him to tell me the entire truth to everything that had been going on. The list is endless now even to include finding condoms in his coat pocket. All the while he said he loved me.Interesting too that I see he is online at all hours during the night, on Whatsapp and Viber constantly , yet he doesn't want to talk to me because he says I only hurl accusations at him.Really? All I was asking for is the truth.

I have told him it is over between us yet he still insists that we will talk about this. Why? He posted on those sites for marriage as well yet he wasn't willing to marry me.The effect those profiles had on me were destructive. I was never so devastated in my entire life. He was only supposed to be gone 2 months and now we are heading for the 7th month. I am at a loss as to what to do.


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4 Responses »

  1. Salam Sister,
    The relationship you had was already wrong from the start and would have continued to be wrong even if he was not engaged in all the activities you describe. It is all irrelevant as he is a married man and even if he wasn't, the relationship is still wrong because practicing Muslims do not have such relationships outside the realm of marriage. I understand how devastated you are but believe that you are very fortunate to have discovered what you did before you became even more entangled with this individual. What he did is unacceptable even amongst non-Muslims, and I do not think you should feel bad at all for ending the relationship. Sometimes when you are down, this becomes the best time to reevaluate your priorities, and I pray that this might be a new beginning for you and a step towards a happier and more fulfilling life.

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    There are so many things that are surrounded by sadness in your story:

    - you stayed in a haram relationship for 12 years
    - you devalued yourself by believing in someone who doesn't even know what truth is
    - you keep asking questions that you know the answer to but somehow expect another answer
    - you are letting someone to give input for your life when all they clearly don't care about you and your well-being

    Please read the Quran and read about Jahannum, Jannah, and Forgiveness. Do you not understand that this world is temporary and shaitaan will do anything to convince you that the ephemeral now is somehow more significant than the eternal hereafter?

    Start remembering your purpose and recognize that Allah swt wants you to live respectfully. This is no way to live. Forget this "man." Don't ever look back and return to Allah because this man is only and only interested in a free ride no matter how he tries to justify it. Either you see all the evidence or you are blind to it--so be wise and do the right thing, inn shaa Allah.

    May Allah guide you and all of us, Ameen.

  3. You have been sexually involved with a guy for 12 about years even after he told you he is married. I think he told you that so you will not expect anything more then a physical relationship. After finding out the "real truth" about this guy looking for girls every where on the Internet, you still call him "love of your life". You still think about him coming back and talking to you. and don't know what to do.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    I'm so sorry to hear what you are experiencing; it is never nice when someone we love deceives us.

    Try to say Alhamdulillah, though; you have learned this man's true nature and been strong enough to tell him the relationship is over. Allah has shown you how to return to His path.

    Ending an emotional attachment you have had for 12 years may be distressing, but with Allah's guidance inshaAllah you will be able to recover and be stronger for the experience. At times of emotional distress, people can be extra vulnerable to shaitan's whispers, so make sure you have plenty of support from friends and family, study Islam (maybe join a study class or a community project?), and surround yourself with positive Islamic influences. Pre-marital relationships are considered to be haraam in Islam, so it will be important to repent for your previous relationship with this man - repent with sincerity, and know that Allah is Most Forgiving and Most Merciful.

    Given what you have told us about his liaisons with other women, I'd also suggest getting a sexual health check, in case he's exposed you to any STDs.

    Midnightmoon editor

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