A Valid Marriage?
Salam
I am a 30 year old sunni muslim born in UK to Palestinian parents, who have moved to the UK from Lebanon.
I live alone in my own house which i have bought myself and i am a doctor. I have met a sunni muslim man who is 38 yrs old from Yemen through a friend.
My dad is refusing to meet him and consider him as a husband for me, I have tried discussing the case with him but i am very scared of him because i find him intimidating and aggressive and he has beaten me and threatened me when felt i was disrespecting him about issues with marriage before. My dad believes this man is not trustful and not good for me, he believes our marriage would be unsuccessful as he is not educated to my level. And he is from a broken family with divorced sisters and his father is not reliable or honest. He believes that his past was full of sins and he claims to have seen him with a girl in his father's house. The man i want to marry says that this is not true and he has never met my father.
He repents all his sins in the past and we want to get married and help each other to be better muslims. I have asked a family friend my father respects to discuss with him to help him open up but he refuses and he does not want me to even speak to this man, My uncle has also tried for my sake as he is my father's younger brother and he understands how difficult and stubborn he can be.
I feel it is unfair as my father has not given this man an opportunity to meet him face to face. My mother also dislikes him because of his reputation 15 years ago. We both want to start a new chapter and he is a muslim .
I feel it is unfair and i am not keen to consider anyone else as i am convinced we are good for each other. and we are both consenting and accepting of each other. My parents are encouraging me to meet someone else and they say they will consider anyone else but they have refused other potential husbands in the past without meeting them. They believe i am rushing my decision and that i am anxious about my fertility. I understand their concern and they want the best for me but i dont feel they can judge someone to this level and refuse to sit with him based on rumours and history from a long time ago. I am more open minded than this and we should all be forgiving if Allah is the greatest and most forgiving....
My situation is making me very depressed and anxious and having a negative effect on my daily life, i have started wearing hijab and praying to be closer to Allah and i am now taking anti-depressants. I feel suicidal many times even though i know this is the shaaytan playing in my mind and i would not dare do this. I have tried to communicate how my father is making me feel in an email to him but he has not replied and i am lost. my mother is dismissing the situation she is siding with my father but he has a controlling nature and he is under a lot of pressure from other family issues.
I am very stuck and would appreciate some advice about what to do. One sheikh i spoke to says i can get married without my father's permission as there is no islamic reason to refuse this marriage. He said he can assign a mutual friend as my guardian instead. we did this in october and were advised we should inform our parents immediately but we didnt because i am too scared of the consequences. I fear my father would kill me or disown me and make all my family disown me. Since then i have not told my uncle but suggested the idea of marrying without my father's consent. he has asked a few people and has advised that it would be seen as Zinna if i marry without my father's consent. (
However may Allah forgive me but i am not a virgin anyway from before i met this man i am a victim of abuse and i made some terrible mistakes in the past - my parents and family do not know this and they assume i am a virgin. The man i want to marry accepts and understands that i am not a virgin. My uncle does not know either but he is now advising that i should leave him as it is not worth sacrificing family as my father will not speak a work to me for as long as he lives if i marry without him agreeing, and he is the type to make sure nobody else speaks to me again from my family.
Please help.
Curious86
Entries(RSS)
OP: However may Allah forgive me but i am not a virgin anyway from before i met this man i am a victim of abuse and i made some terrible mistakes in the past - my parents and family do not know this and they assume i am a virgin.......... The man I want to marry accepts and understands that I am not a virgin.
Is "not being a virgin" one big reason you want to be with this man? Seems like you are close to this guy, so you even shared this "virginity" information with him. Is there a medical or non-medical way can pass on as a "virgin" if you marry some one else? Keep looking for other guys and marry the best educated and younger guy.
Your Yemeni friend may use your past to have FREE PASS to relationships with other women.
dear sister
Please do not do this, you are a doctor you will find many good men.
please try to understand its more then being non-virgin, its about your prestige. ppl will not respect you after you take this step of marriage without wali.
Plus you will hurt your father he might not forgive you. even if it a matter of your father's ego, no matter how illogical and cruel he is please you should have to consider HIS will.
Assalam-o-alaikhum Sister,
A short reply would be, it is "Izteraari" situation. It is an Arabic word meaning "Compulsion". In "Izteraar" the usual practices and commandments don't hold. As it is mentioned in Surah Maida, "But whoever is forced by severe hunger with no inclination to sin - then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. Surah Al-Maida, v 3."
Izteraar isn't only for hunger, anything that causes threat to life either physically, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise is compulsion. People commit suicide which is a greater sin then marrying without permission of Wali. Although it is desirable in normal circumstances to get approval of wali.
However, I believe the concept of wali doesn't hold anymore (as re-married/widowed/divorced women didn't require permission of wali even at the time of Holy Prophet (s.a.w) so we can interpret that it was only a social condition that Prophet (s.a.w) set according to the conditions of 7th century Arabia. Now, women have got awareness (just like the widowed/re-married/divorced women of Prophet's s.a.w time) and secondly this hadith of the Holy Prophet (s.a.w) is used as a tool for manipulation i.e., no marriage is valid without consent of Wali).
I believe as Mother of believers, Sayyida Khadija who was a widow, can send proposal to the holy Prophet herself. There is any sin on you to marry him. As Prophet (s.a.w) told not to refuse marriage proposal whimsically, for this will spread mischief and great corruption in the land. You can show this hadith to your father. Although, it is very unlikely he would be convinced even by the saying of the Holy Prophet (s.a.w). I hope and pray for otherwise. All these brothels, suicides, alcoholism, drugs, etc., are the manifestation of this Hadith.
Not to commit major sin avoiding minor sin. JazakAllah.
W'salam
Assalam-o-alaikhum Sister,
A short reply would be, it is "Izteraari" situation. It is an Arabic word meaning "Compulsion". In "Izteraar" the usual practices and commandments don't hold. As it is mentioned in Surah Maida, "But whoever is forced by severe hunger with no inclination to sin - then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. Surah Al-Maida, v 3."
Izteraar isn't only for hunger, anything that causes threat to life either physically, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise is compulsion. People commit suicide which is a greater sin then marrying without permission of Wali. Although it is desirable in normal circumstances to get approval of wali.
However, I believe the concept of wali doesn't hold anymore (as re-married/widowed/divorced women didn't require permission of wali even at the time of Holy Prophet (s.a.w) so we can interpret that it was only a social condition that Prophet (s.a.w) set according to the conditions of 7th century Arabia. Now, women have got awareness (just like the widowed/re-married/divorced women of Prophet's s.a.w time) and secondly this hadith of the Holy Prophet (s.a.w) is used as a tool for manipulation i.e., no marriage is valid without consent of Wali).
I believe as Mother of believers, Sayyida Khadija who was a widow, can send proposal to the holy Prophet herself. There isn't any sin on you to marry him. As Prophet (s.a.w) told not to refuse marriage proposal whimsically, for this will spread mischief and great corruption in the land. You can show this hadith to your father. Although, it is very unlikely he would be convinced even by the saying of the Holy Prophet (s.a.w). I hope and pray for otherwise. All these brothels, suicides, alcoholism, drugs, etc., are the manifestation of this Hadith.
Not to commit major sin avoiding minor sin. JazakAllah.
W'salam
First of all I'm very sorry that you are going through such trauma
Secondly call the police, your dad should nor be putting his hands on you
Thirdly I don't know which Imaam you consulted, but you are permitted to marry in Islam, even if your parents are not willing
You need to study your rights as a muslin woman before you do anything else
If you are not a virgin, pray for forgiveness and move on. The past is the past.
Dear lady why do you need your father's permission
when you are already living in your own house that you paid for and you make ur own money???
you are a doctor( and even if you were not a doctor but any other profession)
you can call the shots
you don't depend on anybody but yourself (financiallyExpecially)
keep that in mind
You pay your own bills
you pay for your own car
you pay for your own mortgage
and you are above 18
you are an adult
you call the shots
you can make the choice
Who cares if your father disowns you ?
you make your own money anyway
you have your own home and your own life anyway
so what are you losing?
nothing
And you also say you was afraid for your personal safety if you go against your father
I think that is a sign that you really need to call the police
and don't go anywhere by yourself
I feel that your father is capable of doing anything to you
you said so yourself
In regards to the man you are interested in
it is really difficult to say what his intention is
it is true that people can learn from their mistakes and become better people
but still you have to be on the safe side
what I suggest is that you take a special form of birth control that will keep you from getting pregnant for a number of years
if the man is decent then you know you made the right choice
but if the man is indecent you can divorce him and not have to deal with the difficulty of raising kids
and fighting for custody
you are a grown independent adult
and you can afford to make your own mistakes and learn from them
we all do
Sweetheart grow a pair of ovaries
straighten out your shoulders
and lift your head up
and study your rights as a woman and a Muslim woman
you are not a little girl anymore
you are a grown woman
and you can make your own decisions
especially as you can support yourself
You need to concentrate on yourself first
before you give your heart to someone
because if a person sees you so overly submissive
especially when you have so much position and Power
they are going to use that against you
you need to love you before you love anyone else
if you don't love yourself
how can you expect anyone to love you
Good luck
Salamalekum
Lol you sure do kick it with the replies sister 😛
The OP only really has 2 choices here,
1) Let her parents have it their way.
2) She has it her way.
The idea of her father disowning her just cuz she wants to marry a man of her choice shows how anti-islamic he is. Is he even a Muslim? What about the mother? Is she even a Muslimah?
The OP sure will have to be careful about that man from Yemen though.
All she really needs to look at is exactly which one she wants more, the man as her husband or her blood family staying in contact with her. She best go for the one her heart is more inclined to and if needs be then praying to Allah for the option to choose is surely a way to do things.
May Allah guide her to the right option and protect her from all harms in this world and the life hereafter.